Angry rant about feeding 2yo DD, so fucking fed up

[titferbrains]

GRRRRR

have just done energetic mopping of kitchen floor to get rid of rage but am still angry and fed up.

DD had illness as a baby, so I had a lot of anxiety around feeding her, making sure she was full, being judged by others who saw her "eat" and her weight during illness and recovery.

My problem is I don't know how to let go of my anxiety about her not eating enough - FOR ME. I have read all about this and I know that she should dictate how much and when and that all I do is provide the food but I am no good at it.

She has eaten a few bites of fish pie with extra milk and sweetcorn mixed in, and then one raspberry covered in creme fraiche.

My other issue is that I HATE waste and so I struggle with throwing away so much. Feeding children is just a monstrous waste of money, food, effort, calories, produce. I love my DD so much but this aspect of parenting is totally maddening. We visited a family this summer whose 9 month old child eat more and faster than my 2 year old daughter.

I just need to get over this and I do not know how.

Please hug or slap me about the chops and tell me to get a hold of myself.

Appetite kicks in a 3?!

I'd put out about what you'll think she'll eat, perhaps slightly less. Saucer/bread and butter plate size ideal.

Don't hover or watch (if you are) or pretend not to, busy yourself doing something else.

Wherever possible sit down and all eat together as much as possible.

It's sooo important that you relax about it all, can you try or at least pretend to?

Let her use cutlery if she wants to, or she can finger feed herself. Do not spoon feed. Finger food might be less worrysome than a hot meal.

x

My pair would live on fresh air and apples if they could. they are very fussy and yet somehow as fit as fiddles full of energy and vitality so don't worry perhaps as little ones it is their ability to listen to their own appetites (unknowingly).

My thinking is bringing them up in a family where they see the adults enjoying a wide variety of decent food will sink in as they get older especially if you say nowt and offer fruit etc..

wow loads to respond to here - I went out for dinner (THANK GOD) and am feeling a lot more relaxed now.

I try not to hover over her but I tend to use laptop as she likes to use it to watch peppa pig on it when she's "free"... I think she gets a bit lonely if I'm not at least sitting with her... but when I sit wiht her I'm looking at what she's eating.

I am terrified of her being hungry and it being the middle of the night. She has never been a great sleeper but this is only re: her waking up for a little more milk or water. Because she already does this quite often I worry about her waking and saying cereal or croissant or something.

I like a lot of spicy and highly flavoured foods, so I tend to get a bit stressed about feeding her. I don't want to waste money, time and effort but I also want to develop her palate a bit. Also I tend to cook for my DP later in the eve as it's my favourite thing to do (cooking) so I do it when I have quality time to concentrate.

I don't weigh her anymore as I used to get sick to my stomach going to weigh-ins. I am no longer required to go and she gets weighed at hospital for regular check ups anyway. SHe is growing fine as far as I'm concerned but her history makes me worry that if she doesn't eat well for a couple of days she will drop and I will have docs breathing down my neck again.

I am aware that it's good for kids to eat with their family and this is pretty much impossible, hence my efforts also to sit wiht her in the evening. I don't eat with her because it would mean my DH wd have to eat on his own.

I think I eat at odd times because I'm not a morning person so would happily eat at 9, 2 and 8 or 9pm. this clearly doesn't fall in wiht a toddler's habits.

Like I said I try not to give her too much but I then get even more upset when I've given what seems a tiny portion and she's not interested...

REally struggle with being stern enough to let her go hungry at supper time if she's not eaten well because she's not slept thru very often in her short life. DOing something that might increase chance of her waking at night seems a tad counterintuitive.

I will really try to ignore the amounts she eats and give mealtime food at other times if she's hungry this week. and will report back with her reaction. Totally terrifying tho.

Sorry I haven't read the whole thread but this thing about milk and colds is not true. When my DD2 was in hospital with pneumonia (quite a lot of mucus about...) and wouldn't eat they gave her (baby) bottles of milk.

i can understand where it comes from if she was ill but i do think that you are investing too much of YOUR emotion in HER eating. the descriptive terms you use are really over-the-top it seems to me. i mean that with kindness, though, in all sincerity. it's not easy when your child has been sickly.

I've never heard they shouldn't have milk when they have colds. I think mine would have starved to death if I'd taken away their precious milk.

It's worrying and it's frustrating, especially when other people's children seem to eat everything on the table and then start on the actual table.

But you can't force them to eat, they don't let themselves starve and letting it become an issue now is setting yourself up for a daily battleground which won't achieve anything and will make it worse.

They do get better with time, honestly. DD isn't that picky now and I have every confidence DS will improve eventually too - but probably not anytime soon.

DD will get alot more from apricots and bluberries than pasta...look at it as nourishment and not quantity!!! that way you will understand what she needs to survive, vit c and iron and not carbs as thats all past has apricots and blueberries prob contains more of these essentail vits than a full fish pie or shephards pie lol

i did cut out dairy for my daughtert as she was unwell loose bowels ( there is a distinctive and unpleasent smell from your child if she has a dairy intollerance).. colds excema i insisted i be referred to dietition...i did have to visit drs every day for two weeks tho... i did not cry as not to think im a loony over protective mum and was taken seriously...my daughter is a grazer she barely finishes a meal but snacks on well nutritious healthy and inexpensive foods. i ask that she has at least one taste on her tongue of foods she says she dislikes but never argue over meal times if she does not eat i tell her that is fine but there is no treats... not snacks...but treats.

its important not to get stressed at meal times. simply eat with her keep at the table singing and talking untill you have finished what you are eating clear away the mess without even a mention of what has and has not been eaten, children and small babies do alot for effect..ie wont eat.... mum screams..this is fun what can i do nxt...ahh ill cry and then she will feel bad, lol dont u derestimate...OK FINE GO PLAY...is a good respose for less freaction.

must also mention 2yrs old is usual age for children to display a natural prefference in food this goes back to instinctive behaviour, an infant in the wild is developing an understanding of the world along side a natural curiosity of control... a 2yr old has the ability to controle what enters there mouth for pleasure and gain also developing an understanding of danger so basicaly toys and fingers will enter mouth...constantly..that is very annoying as you think..your not a baby stop putting everything in your mouth!!! but food will not as they are unable to discrimate between what is poison and what is not so to survive it is far safer to alow nothing pass the lips..that is why it is important to alow them to use there own discovery dish it up dont say a word and either it will be at least tasted one day and fill up on blueberrys and apricots and rice cakes inbetween just time it well so that they are def hungry at meal time.

You can still use ice cubes of food for an older child. I freeze mash with pureed leek, cauliflower and swede and DS is none the wiser. I make meatballs with steak mind, and add in tomato puree, and pureed butterbeans and carrots.

I appear to have THE fussiest eater ever (wont eat pasta/cheese/egg/chips) but I can get 3 of his 5 a day into him if I'm crafty.

It comes and goes too, doesn't it. The other day DS (3) ate in one meal: A sandwich with peanut butter and raspberry jam, a ton of mixed veggies with olive oil, a banana, a chunk of cheddar, a chocolate chip cookie as big as his head, a full glass of milk and one of water.

Today I think he ate a pea.

Just do whatever you can not to obsess. Make what you want, give her a teeny plate, ask her to try some of everything and then be done. She really will eat when she's hungry :)

"but I also want to develop her palate a bit" at 2?!

Toddlers are notoriously neophobic at that age, DS are anything until he was 2 then gave up almost I would consider "adult" but at 4 started being persuaded to eat a bit more variety and now at 5 will mostly eat what I do as long as its not too spicey.

Most childrens taste buds are way too sensitive for spicey foods.

I think it is important that you eat with her for many reasons...

important for her to see you eating
Makes her eating less of a spectator sport
Gives you something else to do apart from stressing about her eating.

I eat with DS at teatime (half a meal) then eat another half a meal later.

I know how frustrating it is. But on the plus side if my ds ate a raspberry I'd be v pleased! He will not eat any fruit at all-at 1 year old he'd munch through bananas but now he looks at them like they are poison. I gave him one of those fruit pot things which he did eat, but only whilst repeating "it's not got apple in it" with his mouth full. Very much hoping it's a phase. But it sounds like your dd is not fussy-just eats small quantities, so hopefully she will just gradually eat more as she gets older. Best of luck!

The way I survived the early years was by cooking a meal for all of us (even if it had to be reheated later for dh) and then feeding dcs the bits that were toddler appropriate: that way I felt nothing was ever wasted, as dh is a reliable gannet, so there would always be someone appreciating my efforts.

At age two you don't need to be cooking separate meals for your DD and for the two of you (bar mega chilli or salt etc being added) there is no reason she can't eat the same adult style meals as you. Honestly. Spag Bol, shepherds pie (mild) curry, stir fry, pasta etc etc these are meals you can all eat.

By all means sit with her while she eats, but you'll find if you're not eating you'll just be sitting there focusing on what she's eating.

How about making a real effort then to eat together on days when your DH is not working. Eating together is the best example you can set for her and it is really powerful social learning.

Definitely give dairy if poorly unless there is a genuine intolerance - hot chocolate, extra cream in tomato soup, custard, bread and butter pudding (with choc chips instead of squashed flies!).

Why not eat with her every night but just a tiny portion, like a starter. I bet she won't notice how much you eat but it is more sociable for her to have you eat with her. Then you can eat a slightly smaller portion with your DH later.

When DS1 was two I couldn't understand how he could get by on a QUARTER of a slice of bread for lunch ... He is now 6 foot tall.

Try not to worry, so long as she is growing.

I think the firsr thing you need to do is go to the GP and ask for a CBT referral to address your issues around food, control, and perfectionism. she eats fine, children this age often only have a few mouthfuls. You are transferring a huge amount of emotion onto her around food and this has the potential to be quite damaging.

sorry if this sounds harsh just being straight with you. You need to eat with her, the same food. your Dh can eat alone, my Dh often does if he comes in late, I'm sure he'll cope.

My close friend has had an absolute NIGHTMARE with her dd from day one. She only ate yoghurts, never touched baby rice or anything that friend tried to wean her on. One holiday all she ate was a babybel and a magnum, no lie (+milk) for a whole week, but because of how her Dad is re his meals she's never not once had a sit down meal with her parents so never learnt about eating meals. my dd between the age of 1 and 2 only ate bread and bread based products. It did my bloody head in. Now age 4 she eats all sorts, even curry. You've got to try to chill out about this. Seriously.

titforbrains
Firstly I think you need to take a deep breath and relax. My best friend lived on sausages and milk until she was 17 and is now a consultant endocrinologist.

I would never cut out milk even with a cold (unless allergic)
Although I agree with giving children a good variety of adult food, when I just want to get a good meal into my DD, I cook pasta, tomato sauce, mozzarrela and sweetcorn. She always eats that. Likewise cottage pie or stew. Sometimes its not a bad idea to cater for their palates.

Agree with all the other posters that your DD is pushing your buttons, my DD is a genius in that area.

Hi,
My ds had the whole watched weight issue (very sick- emergency surgery at both, slow to gain etc) referred to nutritionist etc etc.... BUT I have to say I responded rather differently (I don't mean it in a smug way- it's just where I went wwith it). After seeing him very nearly die (twice) I figured anything else was very minor, gagging on food, falling off climbing frames, disapearing out of sight.....I had experienced a real near death experience so became very laissez faire about everything else. I'm not arguing that this is a good thing but is it possible that you're reaction swung in the other way and you are overly concerned?
I urge you to follow what the other posters have said, relax, she will be fine. Defo try and cook things you can eat toghether. DH and I have adult meals two or three times a week and eat spicy food then (later after kids in bed). Other than that we have food we can all eat (even dd 7 months old). And we eat without cajoiling or commenting (at least 90% of the time!).
I know you are worried about sleep, but I have to say I really don't think quantity of food and sleep are related (especialy at this age). Some kids are just better sleepers than others. If your dd wakes up and you ask her if she's hungry then she'll say yes (probably).
In the end what goes into their mouths is the one thing they have total control over and you absolutley do not want it to become an issue of control/battle between the two of you.

hettie thanks for your post, I know exactly what you mean about feeling that bangs and scrapes seem very minor after a serious illness, and on that front I am the same, I let her do what she likes and just remind her to be careful.

But I have trouble with dealing with letting her get down from the table when I know she isn't full , she just doesn't want to eat that particular thing that I've put in front of her.

Also sometimes she appears to refuse something but if I put some of it in her mouth she then starts to eat and will eat a surprising amount.

If in these situations I said fine you don't want, then you can get down, I worry about her being hungry later, a hunger that isn't going to be sorted with a bit of milk.

I do take the other poster's point about having "grown up food " a few times a week and food that she can eat the rest of the time. It is silly of me to be stubborn about eating spicy food several nights a week and then grumbling about her not eating something or other different....

I do think I have some control issues but it is just occasional flare ups rather than every day. Mostly I'm not bad at being positive, giving small portions, not pushing her to eat loads etc.

I think a control related issue for me is that I am a bit obsessed with giving her enough variety, so I tend to experiment with things and then get a bit cross because she doesn't like them. I'd feel a bit sad giving her pasta twice in a day - I try to give her a different carb with each meal - but that's pasta, noodles, rice or smiley faces, as she doesn't really do bread or mash.

Do you just have a number of dishes you know your DC will eat and you just keep serving them all the time? This is the other thing, if I'm focusing on eating with her and us all having the same thing, then I have to eat all that boring food.... I should just suck it up and stop whining shouldn't I?

My task today will be to meditate on acceptance and forbearance

I also agree that at age two they are no more likely to wake in the night if they have had less (than you would like) to eat.

Let her cook with you - or make her own things up - e.g. pizzas, ro fajitas, veg/breadstick or other dippers etc. It will give ownership/pride. Make a fuss of how delicious the pizza she has made you is.

Eat with her. That really is important, and eat the same thing as her.

You really need to tell yourself before each meal that your anxieties will make her grow up with food issues.

She will eat if she is hungry - she really will! But she won't eat if she keeps getting filled up between times with milk or yogurt.

If the waste is a big problem, then give her a smaller portion. Otherwise, save it in the fridge and make pasties with her the next day - it's great fun and again the ownership/pride thing.

Does she like toast?

I disagree with the poster who said leave bowls of food around so she can graze all day

IMO if you do that she'll never get used to eating a meal at a proper meal time

I also think you should eat with her to set a good example

she doesn't like toast, sometimes eats baguette but I don't buy bread like that normally because I don't want to get fat(ter) by having it around...

SHe occasionally eats bites of my pb and jam toast sandwiches. But I don't have those everyday and if I make her her own she doesn't eat it

same with chips - she'll eat them in restaurants, but if I make homemade chips in the oven she turn her nose up at them.

Hairy, I used to be a chef and I cook a lot anyway, so I know what yr saying, everyone always makes gags about how she'll be a food critic age 4 because I am so into my food... but she rejects so many foods that most kids seem to love! doesn't like cake very much, doesn't seem to like pastry (I made chicken pie with pastry on top the other week and spat with such vehemence I was like ) and baked beans, cheese of any kind....

btw when I said "develop her palate" I meant that I don't want to offer any less variety just because she is going thru a phase of being pickier. I don't want to stop discovering what she likes.