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Original poster

My baby started crying when she saw me

61 replies

FeelLikeTweedleDee · 02/10/2010 15:32

For the past two Fridays my DD (2.5 months old) has slept at her Grandmas. This has been her first experience of sleeping out. She always seems so alert and happy when she's been at her Grandmas. Today when DH and I went to pick her up DD started crying hysterically when she saw me. She didn't like the look of me at all.

I already suffer from PND and feel out of my depth with motherhood so this latest scenario has been another nail in the coffin.

I trully suspect that my DD prefers the company of my mother to me. I'm just sitting here crying wondering if I'll ever be a good mother. DD is still in her car seat. I'm scared that the sight of me will make her cry again.

I feel like a pathetic mother. My DH tells me to pull myself together and he's "went out for a drive".

Would my DD be better off being adopted by my mother? Would she be happier?

I'm trying my very best at motherhood, I really am :,( But if DD is happier with someone else?

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OldLadyKnowsNothing · 02/10/2010 15:35

Are you receiving treatment and support for your PND? Because I really think that - and an unhelpful DH, to say the least - is the core of your problems.

We've all felt like shite mothers at some point, and your baby is very new. Put all thoughts of adoption out of your mind, and give her a cuddle.

fuschiagroan · 02/10/2010 15:37

honest to God, she is not yet 3 months old. There is no rhyme or reason to why she screams. It wasn't because she saw you!

Is she still in the car then? You need to fetch her in.

fuschiagroan · 02/10/2010 15:37

Oh yes, your husband is not being very supportive. In fact he is being unreasonable. If you are feeling bad he needs to step up and comfort you, not disappear off

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StealthPolarBear · 02/10/2010 15:39

go & get your dd out of the car seat, put the radio & dance with her. she might cry, babies do. No, she wouldn't be better off with your mum. You're her mum. Ask your mum & your GP for support & help to get out of your depression. Doesn't sound like your dh is supportive- unless he was just at the limit?

Meglet · 02/10/2010 15:41

I had exactly the same with my DS, he always cried for me but was happy interacting with the rest of the world. Everyone else enjoyed him. You are fine, some babies are just grumpier than others.

And, no, your baby wouldn't be happier being adopted.

Does she have a swing seat / electric mobile so you can have a few minutes peace?

((hugs)) and (chocolate).

nesomja · 02/10/2010 15:41

You sounds really like you're struggling with getting used to being a mother, and that your dh is too. It is a really difficult transition. I agree with Oldlady, you need to talk to someone, start with your GP or health visitor but you could also ring helplines like the NCT parenting helpline.

Your dd is a tiny baby, she does not prefer your mother to you. Babies cry for all sorts of reasons but not because they don't like they sight of someone. You are her mother and she will be hsppiest with you in the long term, but you might need some support with that. Don't let your depression make you feel that you aren't doing a good job.

nesomja · 02/10/2010 15:42

ALso, have you tried a sling? When I was really low after my ds was born I found having him cuddled close to me in a sling was really helpful, he was so grumpy the rest of the time!

Original poster
FeelLikeTweedleDee · 02/10/2010 15:46

DD was in her car seat in the house. I've put her to the breast now.

DH "tells me off" whenever I get upset (which I admit is weekly at the moment). Yes he tells me off like a child. He did it in front of my mother today. It makes me feel humiliated and I tell him so. Perhaps the 13 year age gap makes him think he can do this?

I'm genuenly worried that DD prefers my mothers company to mine. I even caught my mother referring to herself as DD's mother by mistake today.

What should I do for the best? I have no idea. I have no one to talk to about this. Last weekend my DH humuliated me in front of my only good friend by telling her that I have no friends.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 02/10/2010 15:51

Is your mum supportive?
The referring to herself as mum could have been an inncoent mistake
How is breastfeeding going?
How is your PND being treated and followed up?
You do have friends and you do have people to talk to. MN will always provide support and advice, your HV should be there for you as well as the child, and there will be NCT and SureStart events locally that will help and provide friendship and support. PLease please look into the above. I know it might seem hard.
Where (roughly) in the country are you?

itsatiggerday · 02/10/2010 15:51

Agree with others here, do talk to your HV or GP to get some more support.

Also, just a thought, but DS has much more clinginess generally than DD ever did and for months he would settle OK and be fine playing with other people and then cry the second he saw me to come and pick him up. He still does it sometimes. It wasn't misery at the sight of me so much as feeling safe to express to me that now I was back he wanted to tell me he'd been sad without me.

Not sure if that makes sense - but I guess I'm saying don't take it as a negative - rather that as her mum you're the one person she can express her sadness to unconditionally.

Tee2072 · 02/10/2010 15:52

Get to your GP and get some help. Tell your DH to fuck off.

Sorted.

(if only it was that easy!)

StealthPolarBear · 02/10/2010 15:53

DD does that to me - she is older but cries when she sees me (after a day at nursery or whatever). She is protesting about the fact I've left her :o

FrameyMcFrame · 02/10/2010 15:54

what OldLadyKnowsNothing said.

Original poster
FeelLikeTweedleDee · 02/10/2010 15:59

SPB - I'm not sure about my mum. She likes to have contact with DD but she undermines me all the time. I made a thread about this a few days ago.

BFing is exhausting but okay. When DD is away from me I pump around the clock to keep my supply up. I keep reading that BFing is great for "bonding" but I still don't understand how. Am I supposed to be feeling something more? I feel that I bond more with DD when I bath her.

The doctor gave me antidepressants but I haven't taken them. I'm scared of putting on weight as I read SSRIs can do this. Silly I know but I'm one of these ultra body-conscious people. I'm trying very hard to shift the baby weight.

Re: friends. I've started going to a weekly baby group but I wouldn't say I've made any close friends there yet. See my post above about my only close-ish friend. I feel as though I'vre lost her now.

I'm in the north east.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 02/10/2010 16:01

OK where in the north east
(feel free to ignore me but I'm in County Durham :o)
Can I ask why is your baby spending significant amounts of time away from you?

StealthPolarBear · 02/10/2010 16:07

probably scared you off now :o i do get excited when i discover another local

Original poster
FeelLikeTweedleDee · 02/10/2010 16:09

SPB - We've started letting DD sleep at my mothers one night per week. Is that significant? It's designed to give DH and I a rest. But tbh only he gets a rest because I'm constantly attached to the breastpump at all hours. Also some nights DH does the night shift on the sofa whilst I sleep in the bed and vice versa.

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Original poster
FeelLikeTweedleDee · 02/10/2010 16:09

SPB - do they have north east MN meet-ups?

OP posts:
gingerkirsty · 02/10/2010 16:10

Please please please take your tablets, losing or gaining weight is not what your happiness hangs on right now. The tablets will help to rebalance your hormones and get these feelings in check. When you are feeling better, then think about your weight.

StealthPolarBear · 02/10/2010 16:10

well I just meant if you're worried about her separation from you then it's not going to help. And pumping is a pain, pumping during the night must be 5x worse. Have you tried co sleeping and feeding lying down?

StealthPolarBear · 02/10/2010 16:11

yes, we have a Co Durham one - have seen a Newcastle/Tyneside one in active conversations recently. Not sure about Teesside area but I know there are Tees MNers.

StealthPolarBear · 02/10/2010 16:13

Co Durham one I am the only weird one, everyone else is lovely i promise!
I think we have a good spread across Durham as well so someone should know your area - please pop in to say hi!

StealthPolarBear · 02/10/2010 16:13

sorry, assumed you're in CO Durham, you#re prob not
apols for typing, am being screamed at

Elsa123 · 02/10/2010 16:21

I'm 38 weeks pregnant with my first but could not ignore your post. Do you know what? It sounds like your DC clapped eyes on you thought (in the manner of a 2.5 month old) something along the lines of "Oh thank goodness for that, MUMMY!!! I've really missed her....WAAAAA!!!!" As a way of expressing relief. If there's one thing I've learnt from this forum its that babies that age don't really understand that they are separate from their mothers yet. I think you sound like a wonderful mummy who needs to give herself a break. And by a break I don't mean leaving your baby with your mum, I mean taking every opportunity to enjoy your baby and sod everyone else.

If your DH is being so disparaging, leave him with the baby for the day, he'll soon wind his neck in. Also if your HV is helpful, perhaps you could arrange for him/her to come round when your DH is in and talk through PND. Your DH needs to understand how serious it is. Also, please take your tablets, side effects are just that and if they make you gain weight, then go back to the GP and try something else. But they are essential. Good luck x x x

MollieO · 02/10/2010 16:26

A lot of babies cry and that includes when being held by their mums. Ds was a crying baby. He hated being held and I used to find any opportunity not to hold him unless I had to - he was always the first on the mat at any post-natal group. He had severe reflux which was difficult to treat and I reckon that contributed to him not seeming to want to be held unless he was feeding or asleep.

As for grandmas (your mother) I think they have an inbuilt mechanism to undermine their daughters and spoil their grandchildren. At least that is what mine does. It is early days but you will eventually work out which battles to fight and which to let go.

Ds is was a very sickly child and I found the whole parenting stuff really hard work. Honestly I can't say I really enjoyed being a mum until he was about 18 months and could talk. I also found it difficult when I met others that seemed to be 'natural' mums. At one point that seemed to be every mother I met.

I didn't have PND but still found it hard to cope so you have my sympathy. I used to think that every day ds would be a day older and it would be a day towards what would hopefully be an easier time. He is 6 now and is a very cuddly child. My mum still undermines me but is more accepting that my parenting style is different to hers - it is easier to see the results at this age!

Finally I found it hard to make close baby friends. A couple of my NCT friends have become close friends but it took time. It is hard when the only thing you may have in common is having dcs the same age. Again there seemed to be lots of people who made friends easily but 5 or 6 years on those friendships have lapsed.