My baby started crying when she saw me

[FeelLikeTweedleDee]

For the past two Fridays my DD (2.5 months old) has slept at her Grandmas. This has been her first experience of sleeping out. She always seems so alert and happy when she's been at her Grandmas. Today when DH and I went to pick her up DD started crying hysterically when she saw me. She didn't like the look of me at all.

I already suffer from PND and feel out of my depth with motherhood so this latest scenario has been another nail in the coffin.

I trully suspect that my DD prefers the company of my mother to me. I'm just sitting here crying wondering if I'll ever be a good mother. DD is still in her car seat. I'm scared that the sight of me will make her cry again.

I feel like a pathetic mother. My DH tells me to pull myself together and he's "went out for a drive".

Would my DD be better off being adopted by my mother? Would she be happier?

I'm trying my very best at motherhood, I really am :,( But if DD is happier with someone else?

SPB - I'm in the Tyneside area.

Thank you Elsa123 (and itsatiggerday) for suggesting that DD was pleased to see me. She's all smiles now and trying to talk to me.

Does anyone think that it's bad that DD sleeps out? I'm reconsidering it.

Mollie - in what ways does your mother undermine you? If it is true that most grandmothers do this (and I have every reason to believe it is, going off my thread on the topic), why would they do this? It makes me feel very hurt and makes me reconsider spending time with my mother.

Poor you - sounds like a miserable time, and that you're being undermined by all and sundry.

I have never heard the thing about SSRIs and weight gain. Is it a documented side-effect??

Really, I would try them if you have PND. It might make things much more copeable-with. Surely it would be better to feel happier, even if you did put on a bit of weight?? (didn't happen to me, BTW, although I know one case-study does not a scientific fact make).

The putting on weight thing, I mean. And the SSRIs made the difference between me feeling like a crap mum and a completely normal person again.

I don't think it's bad - I think it's great if it works for you - I'm just wondering whether it does, or whether you're getting the worst of both worlds and feeling like you should be grateful for the priviledge!

narmada - which SSRI were you on? Were there any side effects?

When he was a baby it was nap time and feeding (he was weaned very early at 9 weeks).

From toddler onwards it has been discipline. I'm stricter in any number of ways than my mum (although I recall her being strict with me when I was a child).

I don't think she does it deliberately. It seems to be almost innate. She did say when ds was a baby that she loved him more than she loved me and from that I guess she doesn't like it when I tell him off.

If the fact that your mum has your dd helps you then you have to decide whether you put up with your mum's comments or see if you can talk to her. I've tried countless times but it really doesn't register. However I know my mum will do what she can to help me so I know in some way I have to put up with it.

Although her being helpful can be a pain as well. She lives locally and collected ds from school this week. For some unknown reason she thought she would do some tidying up in the utility room (it didn't need tidying). The one thing on the floor was ds's brand new swim goggles. She threw them away because she thought they were old. Meant ds had no goggles for his lesson today and I've just spent another £10 on goggles. I'm afraid I just suck it up as I know it is only a matter of time before she does something similar again!

I was on sertraline (brand name Lustral). It is supposed to have the lowest transfer rate into breastmilk of all the SSRIs - no need to give up the BF, by the way, if you don't want to, that is.

Re side effects - I had a period of slightly increased anxiety and very odd dreams when I first started taking it, but that is not uncommon. It does take several weeks to work, be warned. But I feel it was well worth it.

Poor you, Tweedle. I think you need to take the advice to give yourself a break. Your confidence is being eroded by the way your mum and DH are behaving. Your daughter loves you and you need to let yourself believe that. Take the pills, go with your instincts and do what feels right instead of what you think you "should" do. This will get better, so much better, but you need to look after yourself for now.

Poor you, Tweedle. I think you need to take the advice to give yourself a break. Your confidence is being eroded by the way your mum and DH are behaving. Your daughter loves you and you need to let yourself believe that. Take the pills, go with your instincts and do what feels right instead of what you think you "should" do. This will get better, so much better, but you need to look after yourself for now.

Sorry, phone misbehaving.

I agree with what Elsa123 said. She's crying with relief when she sees you.

Thanks for the advice everyone.

My mums behaviour really erodes my confidence and makes me feel hurt and angry, but what can I do? Cut her out of my life? Would that be fair on DD? Mum is her only grandparent.

longgrasswhispers - can babies as young as 2 months register relief? (Genuine question as I have no idea)

It's not 'bad' that DD sleeps out but doesn't sound like it is achieving anything positive at this time. The more time she spends away from you the harder you are going to find it to bond and you will make yourself feel worse. You could be creating a vicious cycle. Especially if you are not getting a break.

Your dh is not being very helpful. could he come to the gp with you so the gp can have a word with him? you need his support more than ever. and you really need to take those tablets. they will take a while to kick in.

i'm sorry you are having such a tough time. but you really need a serious chat with dh. perhaps show him this thread.

You might not care so much about gaining a couple of pounds once you're on a more even keel anyway. I never did gain weight on ADs either btw, in fact my weight didn't go up and down so much as I stopped comfort eating. But that's just my experience. Don't let worry about weight gain stop you from getting the help you need.

I think a lot of people struggle with their mum/MIL the first few months. When you're trying to find your feet and they chip in with their helpful comments, it can feel like you are being totally undermined even if they are well-meant. It's even harder when your confidence is low.

Your DD doesn't prefer your mum to you- you are totally irreplaceable to her. She could well be wailing from some sense of relief, not that she knows really why she's crying. Honestly, you are her whole world at the moment, even if you feel like everyone else could do a better job of it.

If you tackle the PND, you will probably find everything becomes more manageable. You need your DH on board though, this is a difficult time for you and you need all the support you can get.

I would recommending seeking out those other MNers too...I don't know that Stealth is the only wierd one but I'll bet they're all good company :)

I'm sorry if this seems irrelevant now because I haven't read all of the thread, but it might be because she was pleased to see you. Although she is older, my DD does this sometimes, I think she only realises I haven't been there when she sees me.

Also give yourself a chance to get used to being a Mum, you've not been doing it very long so it will take a while. The fact you're on here asking if you are a bad Mum shows you're not.

Good luck and a big hug, x.

I'm with Elsa.

My DC2 went into nursery at 3 months (flame me) and one of the first times I went to pick her up she took one look at me and cried! Definitely think it was her only way of expressing relief!

But you need to speak to your HV about your PND and get some help in training your DH.

DS used to go to nursey one day a week when he was a baby and although he was happy during the day he ALWAYS burst into tears the moment I walked in the room to collect him. I'm certain it is an emotional response of relief that mum has come back. He was older than your dd so he could crawl towards me and cuddle me so I knew although he was crying he was still very happy to see me!

I'm with Elsa too. Of could she likes you, you are her whole universe :)

We dropped our 3 year old DD off at my sisters for the weekend a few weeks ago (she was having a "sleepover" with her cousins), and we ended up staying for a bit to chat to my sis. My DD said:
"Mummy are you going now?"

"Yes DD it a bit"

"Good, and will you take Daddy too"

And was gutted and sulked all the way home

But according to my sister she was crying for me a few hours later. Children just do these things to test you I'm sure and it doesn't get any easier as they get older.

Just wanted to add that my DD (9 months) almost always cries when I walk in the door from work or other time away from her! I think it is because it is such an emotional thing to see me, and she can;t cope with that any other way yet - or that seeing me makes her realise she has been apart from me! I get really jealous that my DH gets smiles and giggles when he comes in, but deep down I know it is because she still feels like she should be with me all the time whereas she is more used to him going away and coming back.

Oh, and in relation to thinking breastfeeding should be a bonding thing - I also never felt that, in fact I felt the opposite. I felt like daddy got nice cuddles, but if she was on me she smelt milk and wanted feeding / got upset even if she wasn't hungry. Also, seemed to spend most of my time doing it and is hard not to get fed up of that. I kept it up for 4 months and am glad I did, but I haven't missed it at all (apart from how much easier it was in the middle of the nights than bottles!) So there is nothing wrong with you for not feeling it bonds you.

The first few months are really hard even without PND - I was getting upset about everyhting all the time for about 6 months, and I don't think I had PND. Get as much help as you can and it does get easier and better (and much easier to bond once they have their little personalities more!)

DD needs you and would not be happier with anyone else. But you need to get as much help as you can and have a serious talk to DH about support!

Just want to reiterate that they DO cry sometimes when you pick them up as a sign of relief, also it's a bit overwhelming for them. DD1 is 2.5 and still does this sometimes when she's been looked after by grandma. Cue grandma making comments like, 'ooh, well she's much happier/better behaved when you're not here!'

Also, was she hungry? If she had been feeding by bottles while you weren't there she might have seen you and just thought 'BOOBS!'

It sounds like maybe the baby spending so much time with your mum isn't such a good idea at the moment, perhaps cut it down a little and spend some more time together with her just playing and getting to know each other a bit more. If you are her primary carer most of the time you will have more confidence in yourself that you know your baby best and when your mum tries to undermine you will be able to say 'no actually, we do it like this...'

It's early days yet, things will get easier. I agree your DH doesn't sound very supportive, has he any idea what speep deprivation does to a person?! Not to mention all the hormones racing round your body after giving birth.

It sounds like you are a great mum xx

Your dd is crying because she is so pleased to see you. Its relief and emotion from having been parted from you, her mother.

kidds always put on their best behaviour for other people and its actually because she knows she has your unconditional love that she'll have a good old cry when she is with you and let you see her good and bad sides!

You sound such a lovely mummy, just by considering whats best for her.

Take back control though, there is no right or wrong and just spend time with your dd doing what you and she might enjoy even just sitting in front of a film having a cuddle.

Definitely get as much help, support as you can. You'll be fine. Its bloody hard work at 2.5 months!! Give it time, you'll realise she loves you.

And boy can mils and mothers undermine you!!
Don't let her!