Any other Mums of girls out there who do not crave a boy?

[Easywriter]

I know lots of Mums of girls who do - there have been so many threads on here about it.
But I just don't. I am so happy with my girls and feel that if I did have a boy it would upset the balance somewhat and affect my relationship with them. So much so that if I was to go for a third child (I most likely will not) I would actually prefer a girl. Nothing against boys, of course, but I just don't crave one. Obviously if I had had a boy along the way I would have been delighted, but now I have my girls I am elated and want for nothing more.
Am I in the minority?

I started the first thread-about having boys and not craving a girl-to proclaim my happiness with what I 've got, and as a kind of fingers up to all those smug people who immediately presume I want to try for a third, just to get a girl.comments like this are hurtful and insulting.But I did make it clear that I had nothi g against hits and had I had them I would have been delighted.I just do not crave them now.
To be 'disappointed' or 'gutted' about having a particular gender is simply vile.

Oops. I meant I had ' nothing against girls'

I have two dds and feel completely blessed because I really hoped for girls. If I could be guaranteed a third girl I would probably go for it. I simply don't crave a boy and cannot force myself.

I am quite comfortable with the fact that those are my feelings and I make no apology for it!

nods mmm. Perhaps it was a silly idea for me to join this thread. Of course everyone is entitled to their feelings. I think what sits uncomfortably with me is that threads of this nature make me feel like I have to start 'defending' the gender of my children, in some way, which is ludicrous. Both dd AND ds are both amazing and a total pita. Equally.

I'll get my coat.

But Gateau, could you not allow that a person might be qualifying only their own situation? And that you can't possibly understand or presume to know what brought somebody to that?

If somebody has had terrible, abusive and violent relationships with men- maybe as far back as being a child where a daughter/father relationship was unhealthy or traumatic- and all you have ever seen is that replicated, would you not accept that a woman feeling those things is allowed to be frightened. To think that the overwhelming responsibility of raising a child is battling against the knowledge that every experience of male/female relationships they have had have resulted in anguish and unhappiness. Are they not allowed those feelings? The other way too. A woman who has suffered for years from an unhealthy relationship with their own mother, to the detriment of their self esteem, seen the same thing happen when bullied at school, is that person not allowed to be afraid of having a dd because they have never managed to get it right before with another female and this time it's more important than ever.

I know and you know that gender in parenting is separate from that overwhelming love you have and in the end it doesn't matter. But when you haven't experienced that or seen that, then you can't dismiss somebody's feelings as 'vile'. I'm sure given the choice they wouldn't opt to feel that way, so at the mercy of their own fears.

I'm not talking about smug 'oh I have such and such a gender and they're better because of xyz and heaven forbid I have a nasty little 'insert opposite gender here'. I'm talking about people who are a product of their cumulative life experiences and not being smug/blasé/dismissive.

It is not a comment on all boys, it's fear they're going to get it so terribly, terribly wrong.

hides thread

PJ, just seen on fb you're feeling poorly too. Get a big warm coat and possibly a blanket and a drink and nice food.

It is a crappy topic because what always happens is people feel they have to defend the gender of their own children. These threads come about because people are often trying to do that anyway. They have had complete strangers and silly relatives muttering 'your poor dh, he must be disappointed not to have a boy' or 'oh poor you having no boys, they do love their Mums so much more' etc. And they want to stick two fingers up and say no, actually we're just fine thanks and my children do love me and we haven't let dh down. But inevitably what happens is one comment throws the sentiment into 'well don't worry boys are crap anyway'. I see it both ways round. Because there are a lot of tits out there and they say stupid things about stuff they know nothing about and then we end up on an anonymous forum, tied up in knots and arguing the toss when what the vast majority of us are really saying is 'I love my children' and what we should be doing is laughing at the tits and just getting on with our days.

But then MN would be obsolete.

I do maintain though that on an anonymous forum, it's important that people are allowed to come and have their feelings. It's not unreasonable to experience a reaction to something and it's natural to want to explore it. I did it when being worried about having a girl. I know now I was a tit, but at the time I was worried. It's nice to tell people going through it now that it's normal, it passes, in the end it won't matter. Just telling them they're vile and disgusting won't help. They probably feel crap enough as it is.

Anyone who would be devastated to have a particular sex really shouldn't have another baby, because there is a 50% chance that you will be devastated. And that is no way to begin your relationship with your child.

With dc4, I had 2 ds and 1 dd, I initially thought it would be nice to have another dd, partly for my dd's sake. But I really examined my motives before getting pregnant, and realised that actually, though it would be nice for dd, I would be delighted with a girl OR a boy. Good thing too, we got another gorgeous gorgeous boy. Dd got a hamster to make up! And she adores the baby, despite him being ANOTHER brother!

I have just had DD2 and so many people where asking if we wanted a boy this time. No we wanted another child, regardless of its sex.

We didnt find out the sex and when she was born we got numerous comments about going for a boy next time and If we were disappointed How could we be disapointed?! We have a beautiful healthy new baby! Dc2 would of been loved equally boy or girl.

Actaully 2 DD's are great. DD2 has an entire wardrobe of clothes already and shes only 4mts.
The girls are only 4mths and 2.2yrs but are already starting to play with each other and I cant wait till they are playing dolls/ponies etc together :)

My sis has a girl and is pregnant with a boy which my Mum thinks is fantastic as she now has the perfect family Thanks mum!

I had two girls and with our third we would have been happy with either sex of course but when dd3 was a dd we were absolutely over the moon. I'm not going to apologise for that.

I think that it's appalling how Serafina in particular has been treated on this thread. She has said how she feels with great honesty and she has offered reasons why. The downright abuse she has received in return is both unjustified and really horrible to witness.

NorthernLurker - I can't see any abuse to be honest. I think a thread of this nature will always divide opinion.

I have 1 DD and I am 18 weeks pg with DC2.

Secretly, I'd love another little girl. I imagine myself with 2 girls. Don't get me wrong, I'd feel blessed to have one of each but sometimes I feel surrounded by boys. I have 2 nephews, all my friends have boys and I used to CM up until recently and the children that I looked after were boys.

I think that I'm a bit worried that I won't be able to relate to a boy as much too.

SOH - just been texting your dh at work. I thought the number was yours!!! I'm so embarrassed.

As you were, ladies.

You probably cheered him right up. I hope it was clean though. He's busy herding the great unwashed, can't have him blushing in public.

That's been dh's number for about 2 years! You did have my new one, you send me lovely pictures of your children on it. Hang on, will text you...

pigley - you do realise that brothers and sisters play together too? My brother and sister were inseparable when growing up (18 months apart) whereas I barely spoke to my sister (4 years apart and very differnt personalities and nothing in common as children).

Unlike all of you I did have a choice, I was single and initally thought I should have a girl but after hearing how I would wait longer for a girl because so many people want girls and there are more boys available I decided to leave it up to fate like everyone else.

Anyone who thinks they wouldn't be able to deal with a little boy is lacking in imagination particularly if you already have children. The difference between parenting any real child and the imaginery one you have in your head is a million times greater than the differnce between parenting a generic boy or girl.

They are tiny innocent clean slates to be cherished.

It makes me sad because altough people are claiming just to be "honest" in fact this is why (excluding china) there are many more boys growing up in institutional care than girls, unable to find families, particularly if they are not white. Westerners are clearly expressing a preference for girls.

I get that you might not crave a boy - I didn;t, I just craved a baby. BUt I don;t understand (significant abuse aside and even tehn I think you should be able to think your way through it) why anyone would seriously be upset at the idea of having a boy, with half your genes, who cannot survive without you and who will behave (if you earn it) as if you are the most important person in the universe. Who wouldn't want that?

Like it, Kew, like it. How is that beautiful boy of yours?

On the other identically titled and worded thread there are mothers saying they would 'freak' at the idea of having a girl, would be 'scared' of having one, are glad not to as girls are all dolls and pink etc. It does work both ways. And actually we live in a fairly patriarchal society still so cherishing girls is no bad thing in isolation. It's deriding boys that is the problem and kew on that I couldn't agree more. But then girls are derided too (I have a prissy, pink, one day to be a teenage nightmare girl apparently if you listen to some quarters).

What I am trying to say in a clumsy way is that sometimes, for whatever reason you have a preference. It happens. And it's not something you choose to do with a rational part of your brain. Yes we may know it's unfounded, they probably do too, but human psychology isn't that simple. What you're effectively doing is denying people an honest reaction...

I have a gender preference
Well you shouldn't
I know that but I do
Well I don't and you shouldn't
But it's happened and it's complicated and it's happening to me right now
Well you should stop it
But it's not that easy. I need to talk to someody, to know it's normal
Well just stop it

Thankfully, as people on this thread have attested, you can have this confusion and go on to realise it's all bollocks. You love the child you have. And it's humbling and you feel utter shame at having been so silly. But it was real at the time. If somebody was on here saying 'well I've had a boy/girl and I don't want it and am going to sell it on ebay', well yes, then get up in arms about it. Or get the person some help actually. Even then I'd probably be fighting for recognising that the person needs help not criticism.

I used to think it was awful that people wanted one gender or the other, especially after I had fertility treatment and was so glad to fall pregnant at all, but after reading some threads on here, I think it's understandable in some cases where someone's upbringing or life has really affected how they deal or interact with one gender.

It still irritates me when it's just someone wanting a boy or girl for more trivial reasons like to have one of each. Actually, 'wanting' is okay, but saying they'll be devastated if they don't get the one they want, etc.

OP, it's good that you're happy with your girls. I've got just the one boy at the moment and would love more in which case they can be whichever flavour and I won't mind :).

I started this thread.

Just for the record Pink Jenny it is a copy word for word of the other thread with the sexes switched as Showofhands says.

I tend to agree with you Pink Jenny, this is a bloody awful thread. (as is the other one, which is why I made this one, for balance you understand).

It's awful for SO many reasons it's beggars belief. Mostly though because no one has noticed that we are the lucky ones. We have children (whatever flavour we've got). Some people can't have them, some have children who are horribly ill or die early or whatever. How dare we start getting picky about boys or girls.

Just for the record, I'm easywriter, I have 3 children all girls and if I were to have another (subject to acquiring a full time nanny, gardener, housekeeper and gofer) I'd be happy to have another girl or boy.

That's not to say that the OP (of the other thread) shouldn't post to wax lyrical about her gorgeous children, but it'd be better to do away with the 'sex war' bit.

Children = Fab!

Sorry for repeating what other posters but I just wanted it to be clear why I duplicated the other thread.

Easywriter - I didn't see the other thread, so apologies. Anyhoo, I agree with everything SOH said in her last post and I applaud your final sentiment.

Good-o.

ShowOfHands, you've contributed such good posts to this thread.

I have nothing to add, just wanted to express my agreement and admiration.

I'm v shocked at having been called 'vile' and 'disgusting' for expressing an opinion about gender preference. Anyone would think I'd kicked a puppy in the face whilst wearing hobnailed boots.

Seriously, would you say that to someone in real life if they confessed they wanted a boy/girl??? I just wouldn't say something like that to anyone, wouldn't say something so hurtful without them having done something majorly shit, personally.

Have been so upset about this, my mums advice is to tell those who have made such shitty comments to just fuck off. My best mates advice is to just delete my profile and find a website that doesn't endorse systematic nastiness, which is what I think I will do, for the sake of my mental health.

Ironically, this thread has been the best convincer I've found for having a boy. I'd forgotten just how bitchy mean girls can be...

I'm a mum of neither and I crave neither