Tips to manage parental anger and shout less

[NotAnotherBrick]

I have got into the habit of shouting at my children and do it far too much. I have a very short temper anyway, but I am aware this is not good for my children. I am also aware that I am not the only parent who yells at her children!

So what do you all do to not shout at them?

OK I did that too and here's what helped me:

• Always (always) take a few seconds to think about your actions before you do it - or your words before you say them. There is always a small time gap between your child's behaviour and your response to it. Take more time and think about what you will be saying and how you will say it - it will make you much more in control of what you say and do. The key is to take control of your own behaviour and that's very empowering. You will feel so much better about yourself if you learn to take that time and control your emotions.

Pretend that there is a television crew filming you for a documentary !!!

Take deep breaths, or go to one or two yoga sessions to learn how to breath your stress out of your body. It really helps.

Try different tricks that will work with the kids to manage their behaviour. I don't know how old your kids are, but I have two boys of 3 and 4 and what works is reward with extra TV time, give them lots of praises if they do things sensibly, use the oven alarm and set it for 5 minutes before we go out and get them to put shoes on and coats on before the alarm rings (make a game out of it) instead of shouting at them to hury up all the time. Make it very clear what the rules are and stick to it all the time. IE it's a red card if they hit each other, they have two minutes in the corner. Every time.

When you have spent half a day not shouting at them, reward yourself - with a nice cuppa and a biscuit!! If you have spent the entire day without shouting have nice long bath. You will feel a lot better if you learn to control yourself.

That sounds like excellent advice Blueberry and I think I will give it a try too because I feel like I am constantly shouting at/nagging my kids too

Mine are 4 and 6 and drive me round the bend NOT doing anything they're told. I think it's much much easier when they're little and don't answer back so much. they are both good when we are doing things all together. I cannot spend my time glued to entertaining them.

Thanks Blueberry I'll take your advice too, definately am a shouter (only after I've given warnings tho - it just winds me up when I've given the 5 minute, 2 minute, 1 minute warnings and they still act shocked and surprised we're going out, getting dressed, turning the tv off etc.)

Anyway, thanks again, I'll try and stop shouting, if only for the biscuit treat!

x

Thanks, Blueberry.

I like the idea of rewarding myself very, very much!

I came on mumsnet tonight with heavy burden of guilt for yelling at my 3.5 DD at tea time - felt so stressed and just exploded because she wanted to change her clothes (AGAIN) just as saucespans were boiling, little brother on the potty, cats running amok...the usual. Felt awful and apologised afterwards, lots of cuddles, but will definitely be using the tips in this thread to control myself next time. Thank you mumsnetters once again for reassurance that it's not just me and for good sound advice.

I think it's important to also identify what the trigger is that will set you off. I can listen to squabbling, calmly break up fights, deal with the 1001 questions but if one of them starts shrieking I fly off the handle. I just can't handle the noise. Once I figured that out it was easier to stop the red mist descending. I tell them I can't bear the noise - and I leave the room.

Gah! Managed not to shout the whole day, and then yelled this evening after an immense show of brilliant patience with the children and continued refusal to go to bed .

But this morning, I realised that it's not so much anger, as a huge, overwhelming outpouring of emotion...when I didn't shout this morning, when I stopped myself shouting, I went in the kitchen and sobbed and sobbed instead

I have decided on some strategies to feel more loved by my children so that I don't get so angry.

I have decided to love myself more; and to treat myself like a wonderful person so that, rather than actually saying 'I am worthy of respect and love' and feeling very self-pitying about it all, I am going to be showing them that I believe I am worthy of respect and love. I am going to let them see me making time for myself in the day, and doing little things for myself. I am going to smile as much as possible; and I am going to rethink my whole attitude to the things that upset me the most...which is lack of help for housework etc. Particularly tidying. I have been reading the stuff on 'chores' on joyfullyrejoycing.com a website someone pointed me to, and I felt very uplifted by it all...I just have to remember it all now!

Wish me luck!

All good advice here.
I have just had a look at the www.joyfullyrejoycing.com which is a bit too radical for me ! BUT I did come across this quote on the site which I think is spot on and easy to focus on:-
"Stop thinking about changing "for good and not just for days or moments." That is just another thing to overwhelm you and you don't need that! Just change the next interaction you have with the kids.
One interaction at a time. Just make the next interaction a relationship-building one. Don't worry about the one AFTER that, until IT becomes "the next one."

Don't know if this might help?

I know! I have a five year old boy and get soooo impatient. Never listens the first time, always stalls at everything. What has hugely helped me is to talk about my emotions. So, I feel myself getting impatient and I tell him in a nice way (as this is before I get angry). I explain how I feel and why, and sometimes even remind him he sometimes gets impatient when he has to wait for me. Each time I feel anger welling up, I stop to think: which emotion is this? Why am I angry? And...to my own surprise it really helps, as I initially thought the emotion really was: anger. I now know there's usually something preceding this.
Good luck! Inge

Totally agree with Bluberry only i reward myself with a g&t also, i came off the pill because i knew that turned me psycho and i've not even wanted to shout since...it's wierd but true. I used to suck it in before not to shout and now i'm calm and don't feel the need to i do those things blueberry has mentioned.

So, NotAnotherBrick, how's it going? I am more prone to shouting when I'm tired, which is all the time since DS2 (9.5months) is still yet to sleep through. Instead I make sure I'm adequately caffeinated. If I feel I'm over-reacting, I go and have a cup of coffee or tea. Sometimes even with sugar in.

Rage this morning - initially with my DS (5yrs) - then tears of rage and shame with myself. I promised myself I wouldn't be a angry shouting father (like my own)...and here am I repeating the crappy behaviour. OK, so I am more demonstraively loving and playful and child-centred, which are all improvements, but...why the hell can't I hold back the rage sometimes? And when it comes - well, it won't stop until I get a reaction from DS. Everyone's comments comments are useful for me too and it's good not to be alone in this and to share.
I guess last night's disturbed sleep doesn't help.

Anyway, I've got some relationship repair work to do after school today.

I find I have to take a deep breath, leave the room if possible, sometimes just walking upstairs and down is enough. Then calmly try and change direction - give a couple of options on things to do. But there's no option on refusal! If they are busy... preferably in different rooms it usually helps.
Other than that caffeine, chocolate or wine? :)
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