please help me. i'm growing out of love with daughter...

[newmomma]

she's 9 weeks.
she just cries.
i'm finding it hard to bond with her and i'm really struggling to cope.
i'm sobbing. i just don't know what to do.

lots of hugs
It is terribly hard when they're young I find. I struggled until abt 12 weeks when the smiles were regular and the feeding easier finally. Now at 15m we're best friends and have great times together.
Hang in there and try to get some sleep and do something fun for yourself. x

Hi newmomma

Sorry to hear that you are struggling to cope. Why dont you make an appointment with your health visitor or GP and they should be able to help you just get over the first few hurdles.

Have you got any family or friends nearby.
Whereabouts do u live because I am sure there are mums out there that might be able to help and befriend you. I am in Oxfordshire.

Have you tried seeing if Homestart can help you? They are there to offer people just like you some help and friendship and hugs and even mundane stuff like helping you do the dishes or hoover up or holding the baby while you go and have a shower. Haven't used them myself, but have heard great things about them.

Aww petal - God I remember being there too. It is sooo hard and you feel all mixed up as you are sleep deprived, still getting over the birth, getting used to it etc etc.

You are not alone and you are so not the only Mummy who has or is feeling like this.

I actually hated my DS after he was born - after about 2 days he just cried constantly and was sick all the time yet starving. Anway to cut a long story short he had chickenpox (caught from his big sis when he was 18 hours old) and reflux.

The point is though that forgive yourself - you are allowed to be upset, confused and it is normal to be finding it a huge change to adapt to. See if you can get some friends, family to help - give you a wee rest - even just to go andf lie on your bed with a cuppa and rest for an hour.

Homestart are great also.

Most importantly do not beat yourself up about it - we all do the best we can at any given time.

Big big supportive hug.

and incidently - I adore my son now - it was just I was overwhelmed and exhausted at the time. Still feel a bit guilty about how I felt but I am only human .

I have 3 DCs and I really struggled with the third (DS2). He was a very demnading baby and semed to cry constantly. I remember putting him in his bouncy chair and staring at him wishing that we had stuck with two.

I felt awful for thinking like that about my own child. I was on MN a lot talking to a really supportive group of people and that did help. I had a visit from my HV once a week and my mum lived nearby. Despite all of that support I remember feeling terribly alone and terribly sad.

When your experience of your baby is like this it is awful. I felt I was robbed of what was meant to be a joyeous time.

However, DS2 is now 3 and he is my little supersatr. he is still a much more difficult and demanding child than my other two, but I wouldn't change him for the world. He is funny and loving and those dark days seem light years ago.

You will get through this. Take one day at a time. Don't put too high expectations on yourself. New born babies are hard work and I didn't feel I got much back. Before you know it your baby will be smiling at you and slowly she will become more interactive.

I worried that DS2 would be affected by my earlier negative feelings towards him. I don't think he has. He loves me and spends as much time as he can with me and I think we have a great relationship.

I'll be thinking of you. Come back and chat on here when times get hard, don't keep it all inside yourself.

Have you been in touch with your health visitor to be assessed for PND?

9 weeks IS hard xx

I felt exactly the same with my little one, she was crying so much, realy bad with colic. but i had to keep it together and we managed to get through it! she's 14 weeks now and i couldn't ask for a happier baby.

You'll get through this, its tough but you'll do it and before you know it she will be giving you smiles all round.

Big hug to you, :-)

thanks
i'm doing all the day-to-day stuff with her, of course, but because i have to. no coz i want to.
its like trying to love a blister. permanently painful with very little redeeming features.
my son is 19 mths and a joy, so i know its not 1st time parental nerves or anything.
she just won't sleep. and when she's awake she cries.
i'm exhausted from the effort of just trying to keep her quiet so my son can sleep.
pnd - maybe. but i honestly think i'd be happier if she just shut up once in a while. its like torture. i hate every minute i'm awake.

has it been like this since she was born? (your feelings that is) as your last sentance does sound very much like pnd to me

no - she was lovely for about 3 weeks, but then the crying started... and it hasn't stopped since.

Have you thought about seeing a cranial osteopath for her, I know some people on here swear by them.

My first DS was like that, could never put him down, cried ALL the time, NEVER slept. It was a form of torture for the first three months. I went through the motions because I had to, not because I wanted to. I didn't feel I'd binded with him, and that he hated me etc. I did end up with PND because of it, and I didn't get it treated soon enough because I didn't know better and thought this was what being a mother was like. I was going to post here today about feeling I still don't love him as much (at nearly 5) as I do DS2 who is only 3 months, because I struggled through for so long. But, I know that in reality I do adore him, he's just being quite challenging about no longer being the centre of the household at the moment. I just have maternal guilt over instantly adoring my much easier DS2 where I had to work for it with DS1.

Please talk to your HV or GP about how you feel, and get some support, get friends or family to give you a break for a few hours on a regular basis.

is it all day?
how was her birth?

is there anything that pacifies her at all?

I had a baby who cried all day. Bathing then swaddling helped, walking with her in the pram and we bought one of those second hand swing things (god that was heaven) They all helped, but it is finding something that works for you.

Is anyone helping you during the night?

It gets easier it really does, you will fall in love with her again. Don't waste energy feeling guilty, we all go through tough times.

Get some help and some rest.

Get exercise you will feel better.

Talk to the g.p.

It's all normal and it gets easier. The first few months are very tough.

Your dd may have trapped wind - talk to someone you might get some good help.

9 weeks is very hard, harder than the first few weeks IMO because by now the sleep deprivation has had time to build up and any energy reserves you had stored up from before the birth have long since gone.

Speak to your HV. You are NOT the only person to feel like this. You might well have PND or maybe you just need a break for a couple of hours on a regular basis..is that possible? What is your support like?

I had a dd like that and now have another baby dd like it. I've learned to accept that I make horribly screamy baby girls. I've cried alot the last few months but for me with a now gorgeous amazingly well behaved 12 year old daughter I do know that this will pass. Day by day she is getting closer to the day when she doesn't cry all day.
But you do sound like you're actualy depressed so I'd see a Dr.

I've got to be quick as off out: Have you looked at the Sears websit

trouble is she's bf so i can't hand her over to anyone for any long periods of time

have really struggled to get her to take a bottle even if i manage to find time to get my pump out...

Same for me too. Breastfeeding is really exacerbating the situation as I don't ever get away from her, we co sleep too. I don't get much from expressing and most days I can't put her down long enough to get the thing out of the steriliser.
I just keep telling myself that this is a few short months and we will get through it. By Christmas they'll be weaning and able to go and be babysat by other people as the breastfeeds will be more spread out and the carer can offer them water or baby juice.

1st of all lets eliminate PND. do the test.
test
this will tell you if its PNd and then off you go to your hv and/or gp for help.

But I was not depressed. my mum and my best friend didn't think I was, but one person on my PN thread suggested I was. But actually I wasn't. I scored very low on the test.
i cried. and i got angry. but i had logical reasons for feeling like thta. I was struggling. oh yes, it was all a bit to much. but for tangible reasons. sick baby. crying ALL NIGHT. never in the day. no sleep. diabetes gone mad.
I did not have irrational thoughts of harming myself, or thta harm was going to come to my baby. i laughed and cried. my emotions were up and down. but i feel this is normal, not pnd.

let us help you to work out what is really going on here, then hopefully we can help you to sort it.

It doesn't have to be long periods of time to give you a break from a difficult baby. Just someone to take her out for a walk or sit with he while you do for an hour or so. You can get some breathing space and calm both of you down.

Do you think she might have colic? My Dd was exactly the same with the crying, cried all day usually until 4am or 6am. Felt like a zombie due to no sleep and permanent crying. I had to go to bed as soon as DP came home from work so that I could rock her during the night as he needed to sleep ready for work the next day.

The day that I bought Dr Brown bottles changed my life, it really did, she slept, stopped crying and I got some sleep.

It might be worth a try, it was for me.

You poor love - its so hard at first. I found it really hard making the transition to 2 children. My DS 1 was slightly older than your DS at 24 months when DS2 was born.
My DS2 was hard work to start with - I don't think I put him down for the first ten weeks. Two things helped - having a sling so I could hold him close and get on with things with DS1 and some cranial osteopathy.
Good luck - hope things get better for you soon

Really feel for you newmomma. God it's so hard when they don't sleep and cry when awake. And you are exhausted and don't know what to do.

Second all who recommend visit to GP or HV. It will really help to talk about how you are feeling. Let them be the judge as to what is going on re PND.

On a very practical level have you tried a sling (a wrap like a moby)? With DD it was the only way to keep her calm and happy while I got on with looking after DS. It really helped because I knew I had a foolproof way of stopping the screaming.

Hope you start to feel better soon.