please help me. i'm growing out of love with daughter...

[newmomma]

she's 9 weeks.
she just cries.
i'm finding it hard to bond with her and i'm really struggling to cope.
i'm sobbing. i just don't know what to do.

newmomma - I could have written your post when my son was born.

He would cry and cry and cry some more - I was literally tearing my hair out and I was thinking of all sorts of dreadful things, like, oh if only I could just die and then the suffering would be over .

Has she been checked over for reflux or anything? We thought my ds had colic because he was so unsettled, and we kept jiggling him up and down, patting his back etc which was probably killing him as it turned out it was reflux in the end.

What really really helped was the diagnosis of this, medication and a prescription milk, and also we invested in a really good baby swing which you can strap them into and it rocks them for you - it was a lifesaver for me and I was able to do stuff for the first time in weeks without having him stuck to my breast!

I did have a consultation with the health visitor as well - she did a test - can't remember what it is called but is to guage for PND.

Sorry if I've x-posted but not had time to read all posts.

Hope you are ok anyway - and as the old cliche goes - it will get better x

Also, I had that exact same feeling of not loving my son - I think more people feel like this than they care to admit, but I don't think it's that you don't love them, it's just that it's so hard to feel nice feelings about a little person when you get no positives back from them. It will change, don't worry.

Hi there, just read your message I completely sympathise my DD screamed constantly from birth, I was constantly ringing my mum asking for help. What made it worse was several friends who'd had babies werent having half the battle I was,I remember 1 day thinking god I could just let go off this pram!(whilst walking down a hill) obviously I didnt but it drove me to thinking that way, I had a 36 hour ventouse birth and I did look down the cranial therapy route I also contacted a help group called crysis, dont have number now but sure you could google it or something, its been a struggle and I too have really found it hard to bond, still do somedays, but I now have a very spirited strong minded 3 year old, Good luck and sending you lots of hugs.

Cry-sis

Be kind to yourself. It's so hard but it will get better x

hi newmomma I think you are/were on the May postnatal thread, please come over and rant away we are all feeling the same way.

My DS is 12 weeks today and was the exact same as your DD, he was either sleeping, eating or crying, he just seems so unsettled and unhappy all the time and as he is no4 I didn't have the time to simply hold him 24/7. I felt rubbish like a crap mum.

However and I say this very nervously, he is improving, his sleep is better and he will actually sit in his swing or on his mat and look around and be content for a while now. First 3 months is so hard hang on in there is does get better.

Hi, just wanted to send you hugs. DD1 was like this, all the time, no reason! Just cried!

I remember one night having her out in pram at about 8pm (not late, granted, but it was dark) as the crying didn't seem so loud outside. An old couple told me off for having her out as she was obviously upset. i just stood there and cried!! That wasn't the only occasion I cried in front of strangers!

I didn't have PND I was just so very tired, but then PND developed as I wouldn't let anyone else take her as they couldn't pacify her either and I felt I was failing passing her over to someone else.

At 15 weeks she just stopped! No bloody explantion for the crying!!

But, you've said it's not your first. you will know yourself if her crying is normal, so if you feel you need to speak to someone else then please do.

Does anything settle her? DD1 had about 3 baths a day!!

I hope it gets easier for you soon so you can start enjoying your DD.

x

Be kind to yourself. See a doctor and make sure there's nothing wrong. Don't feel ashamed to put her down somewhere safe and walk away to sit for a while by yourself. She needs you to keep it together, you must take care of yourself so you can take care of her.

Ds2 creid from week 1 to week 12. not the first week in hospital, but when we got home. we tried everyhting. in the end assumed colic ? it stopped at week 12. stopped dead. very odd. if it is that, hang on in there, thta seems like an age, but its not.
you have all our sympathies.

Op come back. are you o.k. ? let us help you.

Thanks everyone.
I'm hopeless at replying to individual posts but will try...

Several of you have mentioned the GP or HV. I have been to the GP 2 or 3 times and they've checked her ears and temperature and tummy and said there's nothing physically obviously wrong with her. But I did forget to ask about reflux so that is going to be my next question. They've just said it must be colic...

The HV has pretty much exhhausted all possibilities too. Tried driving, pushchairs, cuddling, infacol, dentinox, dummies, slings (kari-me & baby bjorn), gripe water... Tried breast feeding clinic - different positions, change of diet and copious winding. They've said to wait and she'll grow out of it. And also recommended HOMESTART but (here go the comments from people telling me I'm being silly...) I don't feel comfortable accepting help from friends at the moment, let alone strangers. And I'd feel even weirder letting someone strange run off with my baby, even if it was just to walk her round the garden.

I just did the Edinburgh test and scored 11. But, I genuinely believe that my problem isn't PND - I just am hating every minute of being her parent because I'm physically exhausted from trying to keep her quiet or from listening to her cry in another room when I can't take it any more. I'm still not sure which is worse. I've had one instance of crying (yesterday, which prompted me to start this thread) and otherwise I'm keeping myself together. I'm pretty miserable but thats only because I would love nothing more than a week in a hotel room on my own. To sleep. I don't want to harm myself and I still love my other child desperately. Surely that would be affected with PND.

My periods have started already (had 2 in the last three weeks) which must be affecting my hormones and I also have a rotten cold.

I don't think I'm depressed. Genuinely. And its not denial.

I just need her to be quiet. I feel like she must hate me if I can't even quieten her - I'm her mummy. It makes you feel useless, and that attempting anything is futile. It also makes the days seem verrrrrryyyy long.

Two more questions:

She does seem more 'touchy' with me - my Dad seems much better able to pacify her. Is that just because I'm so highly strung she's picking up on it? She seems to be permanently frustrated and chewing her fists with me - like she's either teething or hungry, but happy with someone else. But she's piling on the weight and can't be hungry and it seems early for teeth. Is it likely that just the smell of my milk is driving her nuts? My Dad seems to think I should put lavender oil on my breast pads or something...

Also, she's quite weird with touch. I've tried baby massage (just about sometimes calms her down, or else it does the opposite and she goes nuts), but when I touch her skin she sort of flinches. And jumps like she wasn't expecting it. And her skin is a little bumpy like sandpaper, but the docs have seen it and ots nothing sinister. Could she have some kind of rare skin condition that means her skin hurts??

I'm going to go and buy a baby swing today as I'm too exhausted to hold her up any more and am convinced it must help... This one I think:

Swing

Lastly - I phoned Crysis previously and was told that the person who did the counselling was asleep as they woked nights and to try calling back another time - so I lost the bottle and gave up.

Anyway - back to the lemsip, lockets and glucose energy tablets for me. At least I'm losing some weight...

Jesus, sorry for the massive post...

Oh and cranial osteopathy...
I phoned the chap I see who I took my son to and he's on holiday for three weeks... Bastard.

Does anyone have any recommendations for the Berkshire area please?

newmomma - I have a theory that some babies are just too sensitive for the first 3 or so months. There is a well known theory that human babies are born 3 months too early as there heads get too big and that they actually need another 3 months in the womb so are born too early. Everything is new to her, she cannot see that well yet, everything will seem scary, she has this inate need to suckle yet if she suckles too much she will get too full and be sick, the world is just such a big scary place.

Upshot is there is nothing you are doing wrong or could be doing better for her. You are doing fine, better than fine in fact. DS was like this and if I remember DD3 was the same as well, they just seem so angry and upset all the time and you are right nothing seems to settle them.

My advice is take it one hour at a time, don't plan too much ahead just get through each hour. If you need some time out put her in another room for 10 mins. Do whatever it takes to get through that hour.

I have a swing like the one you are thinking of buying, I love it and more importantly so does DS, he sleeps in it better than his moses basket.

Her skin seems normal to me too, DSs still spotty and dry. He doesn't like baby massages either.

I think the first 3 months are all about trying to get them to stop crying and go to sleep!

Thanks sweetkitty

I just posted on the May thread but am worried as everyone seems so happy and jolly on it that they'll think I have PND too.

I'm pretty much doing as you say. Taking baby steps. Literally.

I don't plan to go anywhere or do anything unless I have to - the looks OTHER MOTHERS have given me walking round supermarkets with a screaming child have reduced me to tears to I try not to go anywhere with her.

And on occasion I have left her to cry in her moses basket, but its nearly as exhausting and sould destroying listening to her in the background as it is trying to calm her. Hey-ho...

Here's to the next 6 weeks being over. Which I'm gutted about saying as I think she'll be my last child and so I'll never be able to enjoy a tiny baby again - so should be taking in every moment this time round. Not wishing it away.

newmomma I'm so sorry you're going through this. I think people are just suggesting PND as it is always something worth considering/eliminating and it is still something that is ignored by a lot of people due to the fact that many still find it difficult to talk about.

I know you said you don't want to hand DD over to a friend, let alone a stranger, but my offer to come over is still there (I'll send a msg via FB).

Ignore the looks that other mothers may give you - many have possibly been in your shoes and those that haven't shouldn't be giving such looks to anyone as they don't know what they're going through.

I hope that the swing helps and there do seem to be a lot of people saying that things tend to improve from the 12 week mark so hang on to that hope too. Thinking of you.

Please ignore any other looks/comments from other mothers. Sometimes getting out of the house is your saviour.

I've looked after quite a few babies like this and it is hard. But who is looking after you? It sounds like you need a bit of support so don't turn down any help that may be offered.

hi
two suggestions, hopefully useful,
how would you feel about someone from homestart coming over to just listen to you venting and doing housework for you, so you have a bit less to do, a friend of mine use them when she got divorced with a 2yo dd, and she always says how good it felt just to character assasinate her husbasnd and just it felt good to come into a tidy kitchen or found dinner ready in the oven.

i have a bouncer that rocks, on batteries, and so does my dsil, we both say is the best present we got

newmomma I have sooo much empathy for you I used to sit and cry whilst feeding my DD and wouldn't have a chance to wash myself or brush my hair until DH came home from work. I sometimes felt that I had made a terrible mistake becoming a mother and wondered what would people think of me if I asked to give her up for adoption . She would only stop screaming when my husband came home and held her - like she was so relieved to be out of my company.

I remember feeling like all my nerves were fizzing and not being able to see out of one eye cause it had gone up the spout from being so exhausted. But could I accept help from anyone, including my own mum - nope - cos that would mean I was even more of a failure in my mind. I think this was exacerbated by the fact that my mum had had to cope with ALOT when I and my siblings were born and I felt that I should be able to cope with no real demands apart from that of my baby. I also couldn't leave her screaming that made me feel sick.

DD's skin was lumpy and she hated massage too.

Things started to turn around for us at 5 months and she first slept through at 9 months. It has been a very tiring journey and am so grateful that we both survived - and I do feel like a survivor for making it through - I was obsessed with telling DH how to look after her in case I died!

We are now at 17 months and I love her so immensely but I remember how bad I felt for the first four months. Including not going out because I was petrified of peoples reaction to her screaming and scabby skin.

I feel so much for you and wish that I could give you that week in a hotel room, but some things that helped me (even if they were just a placebo) were:

eventually agreeing to leave my DD with my mum and DH for an hour whilst I went and had a haircut, I felt incredibly guilty and cried whilst I was there but it was the first step towards looking after myself.

Trying to eat healthily.

Buying an Amby Nest for DD to sleep in.

Infacol

Baby Swing - it was very similar to the one you have chosen.

Room cold water humidifier at night

Baby Bjorn type carrier - I could't get on with a sling I was worried she would drop out.

Horlicks!

newmomma, so glad you came back. hang on in there.
like i said before people who suggest you have PND when you definitely don't, it is just struggling, they are only trying to help. but they sooooo don't.

I understand that you don't. many of us here do. and we can see that this is really hard for you. it was for me too. very very similar.

hope this helps you.

My dh is so caring. but he is a jim'll fix it type and he doesn't cope well with me wittering on ALL THE TIME, re feelings.
so i did this to my mum and my best friend.
talk to a female. talk to us. try to stop talking to him.

think about practical things he CAN do to help. tell him you need a break 6pm to 7pm. and leave baby with him. you go ofr a walk. or get out of the house. without her. somehow. gym, sauna. anything. tell him , you need help and you need a/b/c.
men like practical.

these may not suit you, but just some possible ideas.

and lets HOPE thats it is colic and will be over soon ? 12 weeks often it stops. or he sleeping. crying ( god i've never heard crying like my ds2's. it went on and on , intermitently for hours and hours. all night. 6pm to 6am. off and on. f**k me it was awful.
or maybe she will just get a bit better naturally. her sleeping improve ?
hope other threads can help you on this , maybe ?

keep going. MN is here to support you.

this won't help but it might make you feel better.
my mil is supermum, but no.5, a boy, drove her crazy, he was crying day and night, never slept, for two years, she was going so crazy that she attempted to put a pillow on his face, just to make him shut up, she doesn't think she had pnd, looking back, she was just desperate for a bit of silence, well, now they are all adults in their 40s and 30s, guess who is the favourite.... ah, and she has a laught every christmas retelling the story of how this boy didn't sleep for two years, he doesn't think is so funny.

"She does seem more 'touchy' with me - my Dad seems much better able to pacify her. Is that just because I'm so highly strung she's picking up on it? She seems to be permanently frustrated and chewing her fists with me - like she's either teething or hungry, but happy with someone else. But she's piling on the weight and can't be hungry and it seems early for teeth. Is it likely that just the smell of my milk is driving her nuts?"

My goodness you are describing my DS exactly when he was that age - I would hand him to anyone and he'd stop - not for long though. He too was constantly chewing on his fist and desperate to latch on - but he had reflux. I think the sucking helps them to soothe it. He too was piling on the weight, so no-one was worried initially, but once he was medicated it was fine. We also had a swing like the one you have posted.

Hope you are feeling a bit better x

newmomma - you say the looks you get, try having a screaming baby in the back of the pram and a tantruming toddler in the front, the looks I got that day!

I must admit to not enjoying the first few weeks but IT WILL GET BETTER promise!

newmomma, i used to feel awful that i wasn't able to breastfeed, at least not completely, ans oscar was so small, only in the 9th centile, blamed myself really, don't know why, but today we weighted him in the clinic and he's gone up to the 50th centile, and he is a lot longer too, he is healthy, apart for that blocked nose, so really whatever i am doing is fine, don't let guilt get hold of you, look at the good things, sure there is some.

Glad to hear from you NEWMOMMA - hope you are feeling just a wee bitty supported through cyberspace . I think you are doing really well and you sound rational despite what you are going through

You made me think of being in Tescos with DD who was 23 months at the time and DS and he screamed and screamed all the way around - everyone was looking and I just wanted to die - he tears were forcing themselves from my eyes. They even ended up opening up a checkout for me to rush me through. It was awful - I felt like supercrapmum! .

I remember in the middle of the night wishing him dead . The unspeakable truth - I feel so guilty now but you are at the end of your tether - especially when you have another littlie to look after too.

So you are not alone and we are all thinking of you and sending you and your wee bubba calming happy vibesxxxxx

Hi, lots of good advice here, just wanted to second the suggestions that reflux might be the trouble. One of my twins screamed dreadfully, a real full-throttled A-grade, ocean-going shriek, for long periods - we assumed it was trapped wind but Infacol etc didn't help. In tears myself I asked Gp for help and she prescribed Gaviscon, it was like someone waved a magic wand.