Emigrating advice needed.....LONG

[melissasmummy]

Please can anyone offer some advice.

On Friday my DH came home from work & announced that he wants us all to emigrate to Australia. It would be easy for us to do as he lived there for 18 years & his parents, sister & aunts & uncles still live there.

I have some doubts but mainly I can see what a great move it would be for us. Our DD (2 years old) would have a better life & much more family there as.......

My mum hasn't made any effort to see her since she was born (I don't talk to my mum, but she knows that I would not stop her seeing her grandaughter)

I haven't seen my brothers (2 of) for as long as I can remember. They just don't show an interest in the family as a whole.

My sister only lives 30 miles away, but doesn't make the effort to call or visit, although we do chat on a sporadic basis.

My Dad is currently in bad company which sees all sorts dropping into his house at all times of the day & night, smoking puff & drinking etc etc.

This isn't the picture I had in my mind of my "ideal family" when I was carrying DD.

My husband is unhappy in his job and a recent holiday to Australia just proved how much he misses his family.

We are also worried for the current state of the country & not sure if we want to bring our child up here anymore.

On the other hand, we would have to live for a while with his parents. They are both retired & with me being a SAHM I would find the lack of privacy suffocating. The holiday was hard enough & on one occasion I heard them slating me for my mothering skills & his mum constantly tells me I am overweight (which I am, but don't need it shoved in my face).

It get very hot there & I really don't like the heat all that much! I walk alot, but to have to walk in the heat they get there would kill me!

I know the reasons for not going seem trivial next to the reasons to go, but I just can seem to see things that clearly!

I don't think DH understands my doubts, he doesn't really see why I am struggling with this!

Please help? Any advice?

Which part of Oz are you thinking of moving to? My dh is Australian and we have thought about it too, although not seriously as I wouldn't want to leave England. But he would go like a shot if I said I wanted to.

Would you really have to live with the in-laws? Why? Couldn't you rent to begin with?

There doesn't seem to be much keeping you here (unlike me).

As for the heat, you would find that the houses and public buildings are much more geared towards coping with that than we are. I know in Queensland, where my dh is from, most houses come with air conditioning in the same way that ours come with central heating.

I know when we took our children there for a family wedding, it struck me how wonderful it would be for the children to grow up there, but I know I just couldn't leave England.

Sorry, random thoughts there for you.

Actually I don't think your reasons for not going are trivial. I hate the heat too and it may be air conditioned in the buildings, but you become a prisoner in your own home.

I also think - in general - that worries about "the state of the country" are a bad reason to emigrate because it generally means you are setting yourself up to be disappointed.

Finally a move like that would probably end all possibility of reconciliation with your mum. You may not care, but should probably consider it.

You could always go and commit to staying for only a few years, with the possibility of returning to the UK if it doesn't work out.

If you don't do it, you'll probably always be thinking "what if?".

LM, Ironically I had always said I would jump at the chance to live in Australia (Adelaide, by the way). But to hear DH vocalise that we should go kinda puts a different stance on it. I wouldn't really have a lot to stop me going! We could rent, & infact this is just some thing we have been discussing. We would stay at the in-laws for a month til we found something we liked, which doesn't seem SO bad!

SP, I haven't spoken to my mum for 11 years & I doubt I ever will. She really is not a nice person & this is reflected in the fact that of the 4 children she had, only 1 now speaks to her.
The state of this country isn't our only reason to move, DH misses his family & our DD really would have such a better life there. I do agree with you with regards to becoming a prisoner in your own home, I don't drive & as things are so far apart, I would certainly be stuck for a while.

A2005, that is what we will probably do, give ourselves X amount of time & see how we feel.

Thank you for your posts. It is kinda scary that the decision rests with me. I feel like I'm responcible for the rest of our lives.

The adventurer in me would ahve to give it a whirl, I say go for it!

I know the heat is an issue but you would become better aclimatised to it if you lived there.

Do you not drive because you haven't taken the test or because you don't like driving? If you just haven't passed then book lessons now, what better reason to start?

As for the MIL, some MILs are just crabby old bags that have to say their two pennies worth, telling you you are overweight and slating your parenting skills is not the way to get you on side. And remember you have all the balls in your court as you are the mother of their grandchild

We're off too. USA - husband headhunted to fabulous job - so me 2 ds's and the dog are off to colorado. It's hot too there. I'm scared witless long way from UK, elderly parents, but hey. Finally thought give it a go. Visa is only for six years unless we get a green card. Boys will then be 9/7 so worth a try. But understand your concerns totally. Draw up a list pros and cons and see which is the most. Pros won for me - I'm a SAHM too and won't be able to work in USA. Think u will need your own space. Tell DH that will be crucial.

I live in Queensland and yes it does get hot... but if you like walking - do it in the cool of the evening or early morning. Okay so you will need to stay with inlaws for alittle while but you could get something to rent fairly quickly and then that would be fine. If you find it hard to deal with in laws keep telling yourself it is for the best.. and it is only temporary. It also depends where you are going to live as to how hot it is.

I moved to NZ 6 years ago, and just refused to live with in laws although they had room etc. and at that stage we didn't have ds. It was money well spent to live in a motel for 8 weeks while we bought a house and waited for our furniture.

I didn't think Adelaide was that hot - they do have seasons don't they?

I understand you have reservations and I don't think they are trivial, but.. I emigrated to Perth 1 year ago and it is very very rare that a day goes by when I don't take a deep breath of the fresh air, watch the kids running around in the space and sunshine and give thanks for the opportunity I had to come here.

Yes it does get hot, yes I have left my home without reconciling with my sisters (another story) and I live with my MIL and don't have much privacy but AFAIC the quality of life and - now this is a big factor to consider - my dh is SO much happier and relaxed that this colours almost everything favourabley and we are all so very happy.

I know everyone has pros and cons but what I mean to say is if you don't give it a try you'll never know and the quality of life here is so fantastic particulary for little kids that most everything else pales in to insignificance

Say you'll do it for 2 years and start off in a small rental and you'll be laughing

Will you have aircon and a car? and how long til you get your own place?

Do you have to go back to his home town ? Could you go to another part of Australia that was a bit cooler ?

That way he is closer to his family and in his home country - but you are not suffocated by their presence and you could carve your own niche.

Hobart (tee-hee)

I think he could have discussed it with you before coming home and announcing something which is a very big decision. It does sound like it may be a great opportunity for you and your family but I think you probably need more time to decide if it is really what you want to do. Were you happy living here before he decided this??

You could start the visa process so at least you will have the option of going if it is what you really want to do. My dh is Australian and even as a Spouse it was a long and difficult process of getting a visa for Australia - took about 6 months and was quite stressfull. Your daughter shouldn't have any trouble if your dh is a citizen.

We lived in Sydney for 3 years before I had ds1 and I had already backpacked around Australia before I even met dh and I knew it wasn't a place I wanted to live permanently. I told him this from the start and he agreed that ultimately we would live in England. I definitely would put my foot down about living with the inlaws I don't think that would be fair at all, maybe for a few weeks but more than that would be too much I think.

Although you don't get on with your family do you have good friends here because it could be quite lonely moving to the other side of the world when you don't know anybody and dh is working all day, especially if you don't drive.

It took me 5 working days to get a spousal visa and that was applying in London but to the less populated Western Australia

WOW suzywong thats impressive is it a Permanent Resident one? I did apply for mine about 10 years ago so things could have changed. I had to have medicals, xrays, provide copies of bank statements etc etc it went on and on but we hadn't been married long and were living in the US at the time which did complicate things I think.

Thank You for your message.

Don't get me wrong, he didn't say I'm going & your coming too, he said he thought it was agood idea for DD quality of life. We won't go if I don't want to.

I don't drive as never passed my test, although it is something I will do if we decide to go there.

I would rather go to Adelaide as I have been there twice & like it, so would rather go somewhere I am familiar with. Living with the Inlaws, he says will be very temp, like 4-6 weeks, which is do-able. Then we will rent for a while until we decide we are happy or not.

We are still going to have to talk alot of things thru . I spoke to my Dad today (the person I would miss most) he said he would be very angry if I missed this oppurtunity because of him.

It is a great & I do see the full advantages of doing it, lots of thinking stlll needed.

Adeliade isn't the hotest state, I know. I will adapt to it, I will just need time!

good strategy there melissasmummy
just keep thinking: "I will no longer have to have my washing machine in my kitchen, I will no longer have to havemy washing machine in my kitchen" (all the houses have laundry rooms here - woo-hoooo)

Stripey - we had been married 10 years when we applied and I think settling in Perth had a lot ot do with it)

suzywong - what do you mean about the quality of life for little kids?

well....
just off the top of my head nad comparing it to what I know, ie North London on a very average income, that is no private nursery or school fees and a rental home.

The space, the acres and acres of people friendly outdoor civic and reacreational space.
The parking; all facilities have carparking spaces - I used not to be able to park outside my own home and very seldom within convenient distance of places, playgroups etc, in London and that is something that means a lot when it's peeing with rain and cold and you ahve to lug two kids with you
the child friendly aspects; I cannot count the number of playgrounds, actually I think it is 8 within 10 minutes walk of my house here and those are just little ones, with one climbing frame, a slide and monkey bars and just the one swing
the education system; here in Western Australia ( I don't know what it's like in other states) all kids turing 4/5 have a free place at Kindergarten for 2 days per week, not obligatory school that starts the following year, Kindergartens all have outdoor playing space with permanent equipment and are usually a separate building within the grounds of hte main primary school
safety; in the suburbs - and most Australian living is suburban- the speed limits are low 50ks and peole on the whole stick to it, there is no heavy traffic to speak of, no double decker buses no crazy white van drivers and in the parks and playgrounds I dont feel nervous of being mugged. ANd that's not just in my leafy suburb, that goes across 95% of areas.
in general; the relaxed, un harrassed life-style, the emphasis on quality of life and leisure time that exists here - it is so stunningly beautiful you can't help but drop your pace and chill out, filters through every aspect of life and that has to be good for the kids

my kids are very little but I am so pleases that as they get older and need more guidance so to speak there is every type of sport open to them here, I intend to get my boys in to sport and we all know the benefits of that as a pass-time. The public education system is good, there are sometimes the usual concerns of teaching standards, but the schools have so much space and light that I don't envisage my kids haning round the Shell garage in Hornsey smoking and planning shoplifting raids as something to occupy their time, which is what would have happened in overcrowded overpriced London. I am making very personal comparisons here, assumedname, but at the moment all I can be is subjective. Other more wealthy north Londoners may have different experiences, but my subjective views aside the general attutide of Australian youth and the attitude to kids in the community is very honest and postive and hopeful and that is what I like.

Interesting, sw.

What about attitudes to people with an English accent - is there still the 'POM' thing?

a bit
lots of poms and scots here in Perth but it's not a real hinderance, not really a discriminatory attitude just they like to know, to classify.
My plummy tones are not alwasy understood.

You've made it sound really nice suzywong.

I'd never be able to emigrate because I can't get over my fear of spiders.

well there is that
I was bitten by one of SPIDER PICTURE WARNING these , a non venemous Huntsman spider, early one morning in the kitchen. I trod on it and it felt like stepping on a kitten's paw.

But swings and roundabuots you know

They must be quite robust then - if it could still bite you after being trodden on?

oh yes they are robust, well I didn't but my whole weight on it as it really did feel like treading on a mammal but it was able to bite me back as defence.

the Eastern States have a charming creature called the Paralysis Tick