sorry, while i was on here, my little 'darlings' turned on the garden hose and filled one of my stone planters with water. my plant is now swimming and the kids were covered in mud. i stripped them off in the garden and hosed them down then sent them to bed!! little monsters! so thats why i had to disappear, sorry. - dh was in the garden and he yells 'have you seen what they are doing?' and acts like its MY fault i said no i was in the house, they were in the garden with you. he huffs off back to his sun lounger leaving me to do all of the above. MEN!!!!
anyway. what other people think is irrelevent, really. but i know what you mean, you do the organised thing in front of people but thats not how you feel at all! i know when my kids are playing up my eyes pop out and i start panting!!!!
but what you are describing sounds more serious than every day lows and grrr of kids driving you bonkers. you sound really low and there is lots of help and support out there, you know. really hope you access it to help you feel better v soon.