problems with adult daughter & work- long

[tallulah]

Didn't know what to put this under. My DD is 19 & has just finished first year at Uni. She had a job at safeway near uni during term and near home during vacs. Because of the merger the one near uni won't keep her job open over the hols & if she goes back she's on new contract less money etc. The one here won't have her over the hols because she's going back!

She has signed up with agencies & been to the Job centre but so far she's been home 3 weeks & no sniff of a job. Difficulty is that she has decided she won't work weekends/ evenings/ in retail/ fruit picking/ in a call centre, which rather limits what she could do. Doesn't help that during the week she lives with boyfs family (20 miles away) & he only works weekends, so obviously the lure is being with him during the day. (he gets a full grant plus extras so he doesn't have to work)

I have found her no end of jobs available but she poo-poos each of them because she has got herself a nice little social life with various activities throughout the week.

Trouble is the summer is disappearing fast & with no definite job to go back to either I'm worried she'll go back to Uni & not have enough money for rent/tuition. Then it'll be expecting us to fork out. Not only can we really not afford it, I'm not at all inclined to bail her out if she has spent the whole summer having fun!

It's so frustrating that because she is 19 we can't demand she comes home, or make her go for interviews. In the eyes of society and the law she is an adult, but as far as student funding is concerned she is our dependent and we have to pay for her!!!!!!!!

She's planning to buy a car "when" (harrumph!!) she passes her test in July- how long does she think what money she has is going to last?!!!

Any thoughts before I explode?

only thing i can say is tell her how it is. warn her that you won't be the one bailing her out should she find herself with no money.

I have.. she takes no notice

...then IMO, you have to continue to be a great mother and let her make her own mistakes.

agree with logic. she'll learn the hard way! and it'll be hard for you as well.. but she will come out a more sensible girl!

she will be able to survive on loans and stuff should she go back without any cash. it will just mean that she will have to work instead of go out next year. if you stick to your guns you will probably have a very different daughter next summer!

Make it very clear exactly how much money she will be getting from you during the next academic year (if any). Might be worth writing it down (if you are giving something anyway) - hand it to her with a "just so as you can plan your budget, here is when we will be giving you your grant top-up" or whatever.

And then leave her to it. She is old enough to make her own decisions, and how much better to do so at this point, when the cost of living doesn't have to be quite so high, and many fo her peers are int he same boat, than when she is a few years down the line possibly with a house at risk.

I had no financial support from my parents (they even refused to sign the grant form!), but adapted accordingly. As a result I seem to have hed less financial problems later than some of my friends who were bailed out (one of my friends budgetted for an interest only mortgage on the basis that his parents' inheritance will pay off the capital!)

great posting tallulah. I can see me posting something similar in the next couple of years and I think the replies you've had are spot on; but I'm not sure I'll be such a great mum as you.

Our ds is 17, works very hard at his school studies and we are immensely proud of his achievements BUT he has no inclination to work at all!! And he can't seem to see that there is a limit to how much we can support him. He is making his choices for unis and seems very keen to go to Scotland (st andrews or edinburgh) but we live in the south and he doesn't have a clue how expensive and time consuming it will be traveliing to and fro. Dh has now bought him his first car and is paying for his lessons - bad mistake imo!!! Trouble is dh is exactly the same - he is still living off his own father's considerable generosity and has never learned to do a proper day's work in his life!!! What can I do (short of divorcing my feckless dh)?

"It's so frustrating that because she is 19 we can't demand she comes home, or make her go for interviews. In the eyes of society and the law she is an adult, but as far as student funding is concerned she is our dependent and we have to pay for her!!!!!!!!"

Student funding assessment is skewed and completely crap. It doesn't mean you have to pay for her - you give her what you can afford while she's at uni and that's all - what's she going to do, sue you?

The first part of that is the key - she is 19, she is an adult, it's up to her. If she chooses to do without wages it is not up to you to make up the money. She can ignore what you say as much as she likes but she can't make you give her money so if I were you I would cease to make any effort on her behalf and if she tries to get anything out of you just smile and say sorry, no.

I would advise not to bail her out. When I was at uni my parents didn't have the money to help me out, I am 33 now and have never had a penny from them because they never had any and I didn't expect anything, I've always had saturday and holiday jobs. I have never overspent or got into debt because i know I can't rely on anyone to help me out. In contrast other friends still rely on their parents for help, and one particular example I think of, she still expects her parents to bail her out if she needs money. Isn't realistic about life or the need to earn money to survive.

Thank you all for your support- helps me feel I'm not being evil We told her right at the start that we wouldn't be giving her any money at all- we have 3 boys at home & a lot of expenses.

I was getting into a panic because she hadn't sent her loan form in either. Deadline was in March. (she forgot). She has now got herself into gear & sent it in but they've told her her loan probably won't be there at the start of term.

She has come home today. I managed to bully her into going to another town to apply there as well and she had an interview for some shops opening soon.

I am going to explain (again) in words of one syllable that there is no money, and she has had a rethink on the car!

I have worked in summers and during term time, and summer work si so much easier (I am 20 just finished uni). Just tell her if she doesn't work now, she will have to work next year and it is so hard to balance uni and working. Shifts clash blah blah.

Most minimum wage type jobs require you to work evenings and weekends. I am sure when she realises next term that she can't feed herself (i have this every month now and I do work) she will buck up her ideas.

Who is paying for her current social life and travel to boyfriends?