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Original poster

Is it just me who feels a spare part at M&T groups?

91 replies

sparepart · 18/05/2005 13:13

I guess it has kind of crept up on me, this feeling I mean. Also, if I just went to one group with DS then I suppose I could put it down to that group being cliquey, but I go to several and I think they are all pretty much the same.

I am starting to find that I initiate conversations and nobody is rude to me and they don't ignore me but don't really include me beyond a few mements of chat IYKWIM.

I think that it's really important to get DS to social with other children of his age so I do persevere but some days I feel it's like torture - a bit like first day at school.

Perhaps I'm not the bubbly,fabulous,funny, effervescent person I once thought I was.

Does anyone else feel this way?

OP posts:

Original poster

sparepart · 19/05/2005 21:11

That's ok HMC no offence taken.

Must say the replies here have been very interesting and in some ways I feel much better that it's not just me.

Going to a M&T group tomorrow which I will try, it's one I haven't been to, so who knows I may strike gold, if not I will have to resort to singing rude bits during song time, just to stir things up before a grand exit.

OP posts:

jane313 · 20/05/2005 12:01

I've been to loads and the only one I got to regulalry is so friendly cos their are older church lady volunteers. They make you tea and talk to you or introduce you. I haven't made any friends there but everyone is easy to talk to. None of the other group I went to were liek this, jsut people goign with friends and not wanting to bother to talk to people on their own. Which I'm sure I've been guilty of too.

I have made friends more easily through organised termly classes as its the same group of people and you have the class to discuss after.

ghost · 20/05/2005 21:17

I ve been to loads of mother and toddler groups. They are often cliquey, although people will talk to you if you talk to them. I found that they are really like taking a trip back in time to school, the whole in group/ out group thing, constantly under the scrutiny of peers. ie she has lost that just had a baby look, shes pregnant and huge, did you hear how she talked to her child, her child is eating chocolate/ drinking juice....... you can see it in their faces. They are often not even that sutle in talking about other people. it is the competition of motherhood, and does my head in. In the group of women that I have met since pregnancy all of the above types appear to a greater of lesser extent, i have learnt to be tolerant but at time it is a real up hill struggle. there are nice mums out there and sometimes it is just a bit hard to find them, or you end up in the difficult position where there are people you see at the various place that you go who you feel that you have something in common with, however, you havent spoken to each other then it get to the point where you are not sure whether thats because if you suggested coffee they might say no because you seen them so often but they have never suggested it - ironically its almost like dating - you do want to make friends but you dont want to be seen to be desparate

Original poster

sparepart · 25/05/2005 15:57

Cringe cringe...eeeeek.
Took Ds to a new M&T group today and it was a really small one which I thought wouldn't be a problem, bit more cosy etc. The mums were nattering so much and ignoring the kids that my little one was thumped over the head with a buggy 3 times before I told him not to do it anymore. He went off to his Mum and anyway it resulted in her having a go at me asking "Who the hell are you, telling off my kid and making him cry?" I asked her if she thought it was ok for a 3 year old to bash a baby around the head for no reason whatsoever and her reply stunned me. She said if he's anything like you yeh I think it's ok. FFS!

I'm never going to a group ever again. Maybe I am over sensitive. I accept he will get knocked about as all kids do but I can't just sit by and let something like that happen. God I was so upset in the car I burst into tears.

Some people are so rude.

OP posts:

dabihp · 25/05/2005 16:11

sigh, yes, it can be horrid, its okay once you get into a 'clique' of your own, then u can ignore all the other new mums that come!

have been going for nearly 2 yrs, and still am only on terms of tlakign to ppl in there, not really a bunch of come round the house nad have a cuppa tea, but everyone is really nice when we are actully there... which is a bit strange...

people are generally strange....

Chandra · 25/05/2005 16:13

That woman deserved to be bashed on the head with a buggy!!! didn't you have one handy??

.... please ignore me, I'm very angry in your behalf, no wonder she don't cares if her child does something to other baby...

Newbarnsleygirl · 25/05/2005 16:19

Haven't read the whole thread so sorry if I repeat what anyone else has said.

I have been taking dd to a M&T group for 6 months now and it's only been in the last 3 weeks that I have managed to "get in" IYKWIM.

I honestly think that alot are just shy or if their like me just completly and totally knackered and appreciative of a few minutes sat on their bum with a cuppa and biscuit.

I agree with what you did though, sparepart. I had a similar thing happened yesterday except there were 2 older kids chasing dd about, which at first I thought was ok but then they started to scream in her face, pushing and punching her. I was that angry it must have been the sheer look on my face that made the kids stop.

Keep trying with the groups though.

Spacecadet · 25/05/2005 16:56

sparepart what a diabolical woman!!!!!! and child too.

meggymoo · 25/05/2005 17:12

Message withdrawn

elliesmoomoo · 25/05/2005 17:15

i want to go to some gtroups with my DD but cant seem to find out about many in my area.

Newbarnsleygirl · 25/05/2005 17:15

Exactly, Meggymoo.

Newbarnsleygirl · 25/05/2005 17:16

Arghhhh, theres too many names with moo's in!

Elliesmoo, have you looked on your local councils website or even posted on here?

meggymoo · 25/05/2005 17:17

Message withdrawn

Newbarnsleygirl · 25/05/2005 17:18

Thats a great idea.

I was going to set up my own group but it's quite alot of resonsability for one person plus the place where I wanted to have it were'nt really taken with the idea.

meggymoo · 25/05/2005 17:21

Message withdrawn

merglemergle · 25/05/2005 17:40

My god, what a terrible woman sparepart! Can you complain to someone? Playgroups are set up to require parents to supervise kids, else the staff ratios would have to be much higher. Just might give you a bit of satisfaction there!

I'm afraid I'm one of those who doesn't mix much at playgroups. Its a bad habit and its because I feel like I don't generally click with other mummies round here. I am in my 20s, I have pretty left-wing views and where possible I wear flares and necklaces. I quite like talking about politics and crafts and growing vegetables. They are all in their 30s and like to talk about their 4 wheel drives and house prices, and Hello and so on. NOTHING wrong with that at all, and I'll talk to anyone, but I do relish a bit of time to myself and also really enjoy just having a quiet cup of tea, and sometimes I'd rather do that than talk to someone about something I don't care about. I also quite like playing with my little boy when I am there , especially when the toys are a bit different for him.

But there is NO need for cliquiness, NONE. What are these women getting off on? And what does that teach the kids?

I do feel like the conversations that take place at these groups are often very very shallow and avoiding any controversy. I can see why, but I don't feel like I can get to know someone properly until I have had a few really in-depth conversations with them. So I think for me I'll never really make friends through these groups. They're really just somewhere for ds to play with other kids and new toys. And means I can avoid playdates! (ie playgroup to power 10)

Good luck. I'm sorry your town has so many lousy playgroups-is that some sort of record?

But don't worry. I'm SURE it isn't you.

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