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Original poster

Is it just me who feels a spare part at M&T groups?

91 replies

sparepart · 18/05/2005 13:13

I guess it has kind of crept up on me, this feeling I mean. Also, if I just went to one group with DS then I suppose I could put it down to that group being cliquey, but I go to several and I think they are all pretty much the same.

I am starting to find that I initiate conversations and nobody is rude to me and they don't ignore me but don't really include me beyond a few mements of chat IYKWIM.

I think that it's really important to get DS to social with other children of his age so I do persevere but some days I feel it's like torture - a bit like first day at school.

Perhaps I'm not the bubbly,fabulous,funny, effervescent person I once thought I was.

Does anyone else feel this way?

OP posts:
Gwenick · 18/05/2005 13:42

just wondered - how long have you been going to these groups? How old is your DS??

Original poster
sparepart · 18/05/2005 13:43

I've been going for 6 months now. Ds is a year old

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Fimbo · 18/05/2005 13:45

Sparepart I find it quite shocking that they would turn you down!! Where do you live, you would be welcome at my M & T group

Gwenick · 18/05/2005 13:46

I certainly found it harder with DS1 when he was still quite young as he hadn't really made any 'friends' as such - just used to play (well cling to me actulaly LOL) on his own. Once he reached about 18 months and was playing with other children (ie finding his own friends) I found that it was easier to talk to the mums. It didn't help that when he was really little he was the only baby that age at the group...............

This I should add happened before we moved to our town with too many M&T groups

Original poster
sparepart · 18/05/2005 13:47

I am in Kent. Well they did tuen me down

I hate to sound horrible here but 2 weeks later there was a singing spot, just a 10 minute one and it was uttter cack.

I just sat there looking and feeling very embarrassed and reminded myself not to go to that one anymore.

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Fimbo · 18/05/2005 13:50

Isn't Rickman in Kent? Perhaps she could point you in the right direction. Unless you want to travel for 3hrs to mine LOL

Caligula · 18/05/2005 13:52

Which part of Kent?

I am so glad that DD is now 3 and I no longer have to go to M&T groups in Kent. They're gruesome. I much preferred the ones in London.

Not much help.

Original poster
sparepart · 18/05/2005 13:54

Fimbo it is tempting

Medway area

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Original poster
sparepart · 18/05/2005 13:55

Gwenick, that's an interesting point you make about the whole friends thing. perhaps there is hope...in about another 6 months time.

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beatie · 18/05/2005 13:57

I'd try a different group if I were you.

I took my dd to a swimming group when she was one. There were only 6 in each class so it was more intimate and the parents tended to chat to each other more easily. Once Springtime came, there followed a trend for going out to lunch after the class - which was very pleasant at the time.

ButtonMoon · 18/05/2005 14:07

Well I ve been going to out M&T group for almost 18 months now and feel I am JUST starting to be 'accepted'. I go with a friend of mine but she often doesn't go and i must say i can be there for an hour and a half and no one so much as looks at me. I have tried to start conversations or join them (!!) but to no avail. However a couple of the Mums have now started to chat a little and make point of saying hello. I think a lot of them have older children who attend the school and therefore they all know each other for years from the playground. i reckon some of these places are just generally cliquey and may take some time to penetrate IYSWIM

Caligula · 18/05/2005 14:09

sparepart I'm in Medway too and I think it must be the groups! I always found them excrutiatingly awful, although I did make one friend (and one friend is better than none!) at one I went to. There was a bit of a dearth of m&t groups as well though.

Fio2 · 18/05/2005 14:11

yes i hate them. Went to one here when i moved and spent my time talking to the old lady who makes the tea. gave up after a few sessions, it was soooooooooooooooo painful

flum · 18/05/2005 14:19

Oh God. I was looking forward to the M&T thing as a bit of a social whirl for me and flummette but it looks like its going to be a huge dissappointment

Fio2 · 18/05/2005 14:22

mne and sykes have done embarassing thing at M&T parties too

Gobbledigook · 18/05/2005 14:38

I'm surprised by the number of posters who find other mothers at these groups boring. I would have thought that if you are going to a group in your local vicinity, then the chances are the people you meet will be similar to you. Perhaps I'm wrong.

I guess because of the area I live in, all the mums I've met are similar to me - all middle class, career women who either work part time, freelance or have given up careers temporarily..in my close circle of friends aside from me are a solicitor, 2 teachers, 1 Finance Director, a GP, a lawyer for a major TV company... and in addition I've met a couple of great women who have come over here from other countries - one from Australia and one from Mexico.

We most certainly talk about more than our kids too.

Maybe I'm just lucky but getting to know these people has been a life and sanity saver over the last 4 yrs I've been a SAHM.

Original poster
sparepart · 18/05/2005 14:58

very lucky I'd say Gobbledigook.

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flum · 18/05/2005 15:01

I for one am just intolerant.

Original poster
sparepart · 18/05/2005 15:02

no, really Flum?

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handlemecarefully · 18/05/2005 15:05

I go to M&T groups sometimes (average about one per fortnight) because I get a bit of space from the kids. They are happy to potter around for a couple of hours without making demands upon me or wrecking my house, and I can stare into middle distance sipping coffee and thinking about not very much.

I haven't made huge buddies out of it but that's not a concern for me. I find everyone pretty approachable - we have pleasant enough small talk.

handlemecarefully · 18/05/2005 15:07

I've only experience of two M&T groups. Found neither cliquey. Maybe just lucky (or less sensitive?)

beatie · 18/05/2005 15:13

"They are happy to potter around for a couple of hours without making demands upon me or wrecking my house, and I can stare into middle distance sipping coffee and thinking about not very much.

I haven't made huge buddies out of it but that's not a concern for me. I find everyone pretty approachable - we have pleasant enough small talk. "

HMC - I think this is what I aim for and if I manage to make some friends it will be a bonus. When I move, I will go to some new groups but it will be for DD to play with some different toys, to wreck a different environment, for me to have a schedule to get out of the house and for me to potentially sip a cup of coffee made by someone else. Nice!

expatinscotland · 18/05/2005 15:15

I found one cliquey. So I just went and found another! DD now goes to one w/her grandmother, who knows almost everyone there b/c it's run by a church where her husband works. Don't know if it's cliquey or not, but she also goes to TumbleTots there on Tuesday with pretty much the same group of kids.

flum · 18/05/2005 15:18
Original poster
sparepart · 18/05/2005 17:12

HMC I don't think I'm being sensitive really. I mean when I am really making an effort and then I get a polite one word answer then they turn their backs on me. I just find it a bit disconcerting. As I said nobody at any of the groups are malicious or nasty they just ALL appear to have "their" places where they sit and "their" friends that they chat too.

All in all I would say we've been to 8 different groups two which I really do persevere with. And yes I need the break too, from home, from Ds etc it would just be great to have a 'proper' conversation ie one that goes beyond "hello".

So I suppose if that makes me hypersensitive then perhaps I'll have to change my attitude somewhat and just resign myself to staring out of the window blankly (ooh hang on a minute I do that most of the time I go now , but not out of choice ) but I didn't think it did really. Perhaps judging by some of the answers I'm not alone in my thinking.

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