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Original poster

Is it just me who feels a spare part at M&T groups?

91 replies

sparepart · 18/05/2005 13:13

I guess it has kind of crept up on me, this feeling I mean. Also, if I just went to one group with DS then I suppose I could put it down to that group being cliquey, but I go to several and I think they are all pretty much the same.

I am starting to find that I initiate conversations and nobody is rude to me and they don't ignore me but don't really include me beyond a few mements of chat IYKWIM.

I think that it's really important to get DS to social with other children of his age so I do persevere but some days I feel it's like torture - a bit like first day at school.

Perhaps I'm not the bubbly,fabulous,funny, effervescent person I once thought I was.

Does anyone else feel this way?

OP posts:
Original poster
sparepart · 18/05/2005 17:12

and Flum no need to explain, I haven't been upset by your responses, in fact quite the opposite.

OP posts:
Lonelymum · 18/05/2005 17:22

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Spacecadet · 18/05/2005 17:29

pmsl at flum! i dont do M and T groups, never have done, oh tell a lie have once went, no one spoke to me,i tried to speak to others, they ignored me..sigh, this was 12 years ago though when i was a new age hippy mind, anyway, didnt bother again.

GeorginaA · 18/05/2005 17:52

I have a hmc approach to M&T groups. I have to say that I've made some nice "bump into in Tesco and have a chat" friends there, but I've found that groups with a purpose (tumbletots, music groups etc) are far less painful ways of making some acquaintances. In terms of friends, I know it's soul destroying now, but it really is tons easier when they make their own friends - especially when you can chat to their mothers on pick up at nursery or wherever then invite them back. THAT'S where you're more likely to get the deeper conversations - in your or their own homes not in a drafty hall...

Original poster
sparepart · 18/05/2005 19:17

yeh GA, makes alot of sense actually.

OP posts:
compo · 18/05/2005 19:24

I'm obviously in the minority here but my m&t group is fine. The 1st time I wetn I was really nervous and for the first half hour no one spoke to me. But then someone sat down next to me and by the ned I had spoken to everyone there. There are usually only about 6 mums there at a time. Last week we all discussed Desperate Housewives so I know we can talk about that now

compo · 18/05/2005 19:25

also don't forget that they change all the time. Atm the people there might be horrid but after the summer if you go in September some of them will have left as there children will be going to playgroup so it's worth trying again

dinny · 18/05/2005 19:27

I never go - I hate them. So depressing, IME. I put dd and ds in the creche at the gym instead (they love it) and I get to go to gym, meet friends, have coffee etc. Thoroughly recommend that instead of torturig yourself with M&T groups, Sparepart.

compo · 18/05/2005 19:29

the thing is though that they are cheap. I can't afford to join a gym and even things like play gyms are £2.80. M&T in a church hall are usually £1

Steppy1 · 18/05/2005 19:38

.....The women at the only M&T group that I went to sang, "Wind the bobbin up " and "Wheels on the Bus" in absolute perfect harmony, which I found most bizarre all this high pitched singing and clapping (all probably Bree's from desperate housewives !) I must admit that I did go back a couple of times mainly for DS to socialise...and to secretly introduce swear words into the song very quietly and out of tune, then let them see them suss out if it was me....Unfortunately i was asked to leave (approached at the end of a session and suggested that I might find "something more suitable for my sense of humour" Must admit that I PMSL as I left....made the decision then that M& T's not for me

dinny · 18/05/2005 20:21

Ha ha, Steppy, that's hilarious - you rebel

Caligula · 18/05/2005 20:43

PMSL Steppy.

A friend of mine used to take her newspaper and just sit there reading it. Everyone thought she was frightfully anti-social.

Steppy1 · 18/05/2005 20:56

...I used to sing about Incy Wincy Spider's head and legs falling off....my son knew all the words and the other toddlers liked the words too...goes like this.. (same tune of course)
Incy Wincy Spider, spinning around
Reaching up to the sky then touching the ground when
Off falls his head (plonk)
And off falls his leg (bang bang )
So Incy Wincy's no more because he is........fast asleeeeep !
(even I have some compassion as a mother !)

Original poster
sparepart · 18/05/2005 21:18

mmmmmmmmmm interesting perhaps I should go back and sabotage the weekly sing songs.

OP posts:
Chandra · 19/05/2005 00:30

Looking at all this post, it is not difficult to see that there's something terribly wrong with this groups, I guess that these groups should not be classed by children age but by mothers's interests, something like the Big Scream (cinema for mothers who have children ubder one), the great thing of it is that you can see the movie, the child can misbehave if he wants to, there's a mappy changer inside the hall, you cna have a coffee afterwards to comment about the movie, or you can relax safe in the knowledge that if nobody speaks to you.... the better

Chandra · 19/05/2005 00:31

these, these, these, not this...

ubder=under

mappy=nappy

cna=can

....no wonder nobody speaks to me

GeorginaA · 19/05/2005 09:31

Have been thinking some more about this.

Sparepart: one of the ways I made friends first time around was through the Health Visitors mums group - all new babies, smaller group, had a purpose (basic baby education - a baby massage class, visit from a dentist, librarian etc, weaning...) but time for a chat at the end. When it was over we kept in contact and met at each other's houses.

When we moved house I lost all that, and of course the new HV group were all babies - not the same age as my toddler, so that was no good! However I've just remembered that one of my friends here I got because my HV asked me to get in contact with her as she was new in the area and didn't know anyone either. We've always just met up at each other's houses, our boys are about the same age so get on with playing while we can chat in a much more relaxed atmosphere.

Could you perhaps contact your HV and ask for your name and telephone number to be put forward to anyone new coming into the area with a child of a similar age? Might be worth a try.

mammamic · 19/05/2005 09:39

Hi all. I've been mumsnetter over a year now but this is the 1st time I've joined a discussion - because i feel quite strongly about the subject of M&T groups. I also went through the whole 'sparepart' feeling and then realised that most of the other mums felt the same way. we openly discussed this and decided that we'd have a monthly night out (usually dinner somewhere), just for the mums. Food and wine are great ice breakers

mammamic · 19/05/2005 09:43

I agree GA. HVs are a good starting point. The M&T i go to was started by HV and NCT group. we mums then organised ourselves and carried on where they left off. Some of the mums have become good friends and see eachother at home etc and I'm confident that I'll also find some good friends there. We all get on and, yes, we discuss poos and achievements etc and have a moan about other halves but also we have a laugh. And it's great to watch the babies become toddlers and so on.....

flum · 19/05/2005 10:43

I gate crashed my first mother and toddler group in Spitalfields - there was a note for someone in my block of flats about 'Baby group' in the lobby. i rang the number on it and asked if i could come as i had a new baby. when I got there they all new each other really well and all their 'babies' were two!! But they were really nice and we got lots of attention as I had a new baby. So I was really glad I plucked up the courage. I was dead nervous.

Lonelymum - am moving this weekend to near Marlborough (I'm stalking Cod). I'm sure we've had this convo before though - you've moved recently too haven't you?

flum · 19/05/2005 10:45

I have to say that was a total life saver when I was on maternity leave as I didn't know anyone else with a baby in London

Lonelymum · 19/05/2005 10:54

Flum, yes I have moved recently, but I don't remember hearing that you were moving too (unless I was so wrapped up in my own move to remember, in which case I apologise.) You are lucky to be going to Marlborough - dh and I would like that although my sister lived there for a year many years ago and she was bored stupid living there. But with children, I am sure it is a lovely place to be.

acnebride · 19/05/2005 11:43

If it does nothing for you, I wouldn't bother. I would rather be out of the house, even if nobody is speaking to me, than at home nose to nose with ds, so i always went to loads of p&b stuff. Your dc will socialise in their own time - all the p&b organised things are very new and IMO not necessary for child development. I only drag ds round to them all because I literally count the minutes if I'm at home with him alone. poor little sod. Small groups and functional groups are much better for real chats.

pabla · 19/05/2005 12:04

I also found M&T groups hard work when I first tried a few - cliqy and no-one to talk to unless you went with a friend. So I stopped going for a while as I didn't enjoy it and ds1 needed a nap at tyhat time anyway. HOWEVER, I now go to a fantastic one (just around the corner from me by coincidence). I think this one works for me for a few reasons:

  1. It is run by the mums (and dads) themselves and we have a rota for coffee making, organising a craft activity, etc. You work in pairs so you get to chat with the person you are working with and get to know them a bit better. At the others I've been to, they were held in church halls and all the organising done by elderly ladies belonging to the church.

  2. It is based in my neighbourhood (rather than the town centre) and a lot of the people going there live locally so you get to bump into them at the park, shops, etc.

  3. We organise a night out each term so you can actually have a proper conversation without being interrupted by your toddler.

Maybe if you keep looking you will find something in your area that will suit you better or wait until your ds is a bit older and doesn't need constant watching so you can socialise yourself. I know I personally would find it easier to go along with a friend the first few times. Do you know anyone with a child of a similar age who would like to go along with you?

handlemecarefully · 19/05/2005 16:12

Apols sparepart - not really my place to suggest that you are being over sensitive. On reflection, from how you describe it, they do sound a bit cliquey!