A cyberhug for mears.....

[Tissy]

Didn't want to hijack the "bottle feeding pariahs" thread, but thought that mears sounded in need of a cyberhug!

Yes she does..... and my DH who is full of wisdom also said b...... to your HR manager Mears !
He says to go to your HR manager's boss and ask him if this is a standard answer from HR !!!!
What a load of rubbish.

You've no idea how this little message has boosted me . I have just come back from a session at occupational health that has actually been pretty helpful. I will fill you in later- I am going out with DH shortly for a meal. I think I haven't conveyed the 'choosing your response' very well but all will be revealed later. My HR manager is a lovely guy and is giving me another perspective to the really difficult situation I find myself in.
Thanks Tissy and Pupuce.

hi mears, was in a s*e situation with work a couple of years ago. it was utter misery. hope everything works out for you soon. you are such an asset to this site. all the best, bk.

Here's another hug, Mears. Thinking of you and hoping things improve soon.

Thinking of you Mears.

I've just posted cyberhugs to others elsewhere, and Mears - you've got them from me too.

I've just looked up the thread that sparked this one to see what it was about, and I can really sympathise with your situation because I've had similar difficulties at work over the last year. Am plotting my escape route as we speak, as the situation was never satisfactorily resolved for me. It sounds as if you have some really positive routes to take, though, and I hope that things get better for you soon.

I have a few options, one of which is to proceed with a formal complaint against my manager. I know that this route does not usually achieve a satisfactory outcome for either party. Mediation is probably the way to go, however, I want her to realise how close she has come to facing a formal grievance.
The occ. health doctor said that I have been 'psychologically mugged'. I must get her out of my head - she has no right to be there. He also was saying how you need to be able to be in control and 'choose your response'. By removing in my mind her importance to me, I should be able to control my response to her. He made a loy of sense. For someone who is not even in my top 10 list of favouite people, she is top of my list just now as far as thinking about people goes. She doesn't deserve to be there. I found that actually quite helpful. Hopefully I will be able to keep composed when we meet next week and a solution may be reached. For the moment I will try and enjoy my time off.

ps - thanks everyone for the words of support .

Sending my good wishes Mears.

There was an aritcle in Practising Midwife last year where a midwife was being coached through a situation not entirely dissimilar to yours, IIRC.

Mears - I've had my head in the sand and didn't even realise the trauma you're going thru. Bloody managers! Thinking of you

Many cyber-hugs to you mears - and many cyber-non-hugs to your manager!

I know what you mean about 'choosing' how to respond to certain things - very difficult to explain isn't it!!! I had a horrible work situation a few years ago and had occupational counselling which was really helpful. I found a really key thing for me was the 'choosing' thing - it made me feel that I had some kind of control over the situation (ie try as they might to provoke me to guilt, anger, stress etc) I choose not to react in that way. In order to be able to do that though you are right, it does require insight and that can be very difficult to find in the heat of the moment!

I also found it quite challenging about how honest you have to be about your feelings to do the 'choosing'. Stupid example now, but recently I found myself saying that HVs had made me feel guilty about giving DS jars of babyfood. Now, the HVs may have been trying to make me feel guilty, but the actual feeling guilty was down to me and my own issues - still not sure that I've expressed it that well, but I wanted to let you know that I know what you were trying to say and that I agree with you!

I found it really difficult to remain calm and confident in confrontational and difficult situations at work, and felt inadequate for being unable to do so - however what worked really well for me was pretending to be calm and confident - I acted out a calm and confident role whenever I was in that situation, and it really helped. Even if I was panicking and stressed out in my head I made myself come across as calm, and by doing this it makes sure that you keep breathing regularly which, in turn, helps with staying calm (wish I could have done that in labour!!).

Probably raised your stress levels just by having to try and work out what I'm trying to say - maybe I just should have advised a glass of wine and Saturday night T.V!

I hope things become less stressful at work - it makes me cross to think of anyone not appreciating you!!

Mears ... thinking of you ... keep your pecker up!!

Good luck mears - as many others, I have also been in difficult work situations involving my line manager. I handled the situation very badly by not resolving it effectively and the consequences were horrible. I am so pleased to hear that you are feeling more positive and are havng a meeting to resolve it all.

One little tip from someone who cocked it up - make a list beforehand of every point that you wish to be addressed so that nothing gets pushed over - make notes so you can remember individuals responses to your points and if at the end of the meeting you still feel at all unhappy or have anything left to say, you must say at the time (wish i had...) that you need time to reflect and hope everyone will understand if you call a further meeting to reflect and finalise your thoughts/actions/feelings etc. if necessary. I am sure that you would do this anyway, just fussing for you as I hope that it all goes well and you can mentally shove her out of your mind and into a skip. Good luck.

Thanks again for your help.

I will make sure of all the points are covered as you said, Jaytree.

Kyliebump - thank goodness someone has been able to relate to my terminology of 'choosing' your response (I couldn't get that over on the bottle feeding pariah thread without causing more upset).
Like you it has given me a sense of control - she does not deserve to be in my mind, and does not desrve to be considered by me at all.

Thanks again everyone who has posted - it does make me feel better.

Mears - I think people misunderstand the 'choosing' thing and think that it either means having a totally non-emotional response to situations, or blaming people for their reactions. It's important to remember that it's still OK to feel anger, upset, etc etc, but making a choice to feel angry, upset etc as a response to a situation is less psychologically damaging than feeling that someone else has 'made' you feel that way.

As for people thinking that they are being blamed for their reactions, e.g. they are at fault for feeling guilty, as it is their 'choice'. It's not that at all - it's acknowledging that it's their own feelings that have made them feel guilty in response to a situation - if their feelings weren't there - then it would be two fingers up to whoever was telling them stuff that had 'made them' feel guilty.

Probably caused even more confusion here! I'm so clumsy at getting over what I want to say sometimes that I don't contribute for fear of the backlash - so good for you for posting!!

Hope you've had a good sunny Sunday.

Totally agree with you Kyliebump!

We've has a particularly rainy Sunday but went out 10 pin bowling with the kids. Had a wee glass of wine and fell asleep in front of the telly. Have just woken up to go to bed

Mears - read about situation with your boss on the other thread. I was adding to the topic on bottle feeding so didn't want to take up space responding to your point on chosing how to feel. A few days went by and I kept thinking about your situation. It was only tonight I saw your mumsnetter friends had picked up on it and gave you some emotional support. I'm new to this site so I hope you don't mind me butting in but I so wanted to respond and give you my support.

I have had a lot of experience of chosing how to feel over the last number of years as I fond myself in quite a number of emotionally stressful situations both at work and on the relationship front. I came across the concept of 'chosing how to feel' in a self help book and it was such a revelation ( can't remember the book as I've read quite a few by now!). What a simple idea but one that needs practice and a lot of visualisation. That would be my advice to you - to visualise your dealings with your manager. Make the visualisation as detailed as possible - how you react with your chosen feeling, what you are wearing, how you stand. This helps to positively reinforce your choice of feeling and being in control of your emotions and reaction to her.

I hope I haven't waffled too much and I hope you get what I'm trying to say. Your HR manager sounds good, stick with his advice. I'm glad to see your issues are being taken seriously and you are not left with owning the problem your boss has created.

Cyberhug to you and fair play to Tissy for starting this thread.

Thanks Norny.

mears, cyberhugs from me, always found you one of the most informative and kind people on mumsnet, cheers x E

Thankyou Enid. See you are posting less so thankyou very much for sending such a nice message to me. Mears.

Hi Mears

As another person who has benefitted from your advice over the years I hope everything is going ok at work.

I love the concept of choosing one's response and I have done it instinctively up to now but might try using it more formally.

If you are feeling particularly evil (and this may not be the best place to play this particular game) you can use it to totally flummox people in any given conversation - pity when they are expecting (and trying to get) rage is always a good one!

Best of luck, anyway

I feel I am sinking into a black hole. Nothing has happened as yet regarding my difficulty at work due to various other people being off sick. I have been off for 2 weeks hoping there would have been some kind of meeting in the interim. I now have to decide whether to go back or get another line. To be honest, the way I am feeling I couldn't care if I ever saw the place again