A cyberhug for mears.....

[Tissy]

Didn't want to hijack the "bottle feeding pariahs" thread, but thought that mears sounded in need of a cyberhug!

Oh mears - I am so sorry that things seem so bleak at the moment with work - it's so horrible having work stress hanging over you as it intrudes so much into one's life outside work, no matter how much you try and keep work at work.

Not quite sure what you meant when you said you might have to try another line - do you mean another way forward, another job, or another line of work altogether (which would be a terrible shame in my opinion as you sound a fab midwife!).

Unfortunately I don't think it's uncommon for things to not move forward when one party is away as people try and stick their heads in the sand and either go into denial or get struck by inertia.

I really hope that things start looking up soon.

Meant sick line from GP Kyliebump - sorry.

Yet another of your admirers. I hope you don't sink too low and that you find a solution soon

I agree that with insight you can 'choose' how you respond to another person. Just be careful not to under-react! er...don't really know what I'm trying to say...

Mears - lots of sympathy. Had a horribly pooey time at work over a year ago because of useless and nasty line management so know how it infects the rest of your life. As a tip (and I'm sure you've thought of this already) but when I had a final meeting with my boss, I 'interviewed' him. Wrote down my questions and wrote down his replies. Made me feel in control, especially since I am the type to cry when under stress. But he did buckle and I got the result I wanted.

Lots of hugs, your advice is so wise and non-judgemental, wish you'd been around when my daughter was a baby.

mears, I'm so sorry you are feeling down and are having such big problems with your line manager.

Really really sorry - I didn't get to read about your work situation on the other thread, so I am not sure what is happening exactly. It must be nasty if it is upsetting you so much - you seem so wise and level headed.

Oh I so agree. Mears- you are an absolute fount of wisdom and wonderfulness. What on earth are your idiot bosses playing at? Somehow I had expected more of them because you're in Scotland but evidently even the Scots NHS muck things up dreadfully on occasion. Jasper- can't you get a party of thugs together to give these cretins what for?
Seriously Mears, really hope things look up for you soon.

Scummy, what great idea.
I know several prominent thugs locally. I'll see what I can do

Mears how are things looking today?

Mears - would you be able to have another meeting with HR/Occupational Health before making the decision about whether to get another line?

I feel that something needs to have changed before you go back - it might not be realistic for the situation to be resolved by then, but there needs to be something that has changed otherwise you will be going back into exactly the same situation - not good for you, and also increasing the chances that the same difficulties will arise with your Manager again.

Would it be possible for there to be systems in place so you could have minimal contact with your Manager - could you be line managed by her senior for example for the time being? Would it help if there were regular opportunities for you to talk to HR to discuss how things are going until things are resolved. It sometimes helps to have these meetings scheduled in, so regardless of whether there are problems or not you will talk to someone at X time. If there is a problem then it takes away the whole "should I mention it?" dilema as the meeting is already scheduled.

You will also be showing that you are prepared to be at work if they do their bit to resolve things, but make it clear that if their response is that there's nothing they can do, that you will be off sick until they help. However, if even the thought of going back is making you feel panicky, sick, tense etc then don't even think about going back yet - take some more time off.

If you do go back before the situation is properly resolved make sure that there is a timetable set out of meetings (or whatever is necessary) to make sure that the issue still moves forward and the situation doesn't just get pushed under the carpet.

I'm not at all saying that you shouldn't get another line from your GP - it's just that when you love (and are very good at) your job, then being at work and doing a job well contributes to your self-esteem, and being off work in this kind of situation can be a bit depressing - if you see what I mean. If, however, you can take the time off, put work out of your head, and relax properly then go for it!

Thinking of you,

Thanks jasper and Kyliebump ( and everyone).

At the risk of someone discovering who I am ( but I don't care) - this is essentially the problem.

My manager is threatened by my knowledge and influence in the organisation. I am doing further studies and am a member of prominent groups within the Trust I work in. She is not. A few years ago, there was an investigation of a senior manager who was redeployed due to inappropriate behaviors. My current manager has issues over this regarding union involvement, as she sees it.

Anyway, she has taken an opportunity to reign me in by conducting an appalling personal development interview. I have finally had enough of her behaviour towards me (one minute I am fantastic, the next I am a problem).

I have asked for some kind of resolution. I myself am a steward of the union she has problems with. I have been asked not to have someone accompany me so that said manager feels more comfortable to proceed.
After much debate (over past week) and much emotional turmoil, I have decided that her problem is not mine, and union involvement is essential.
Nothing can progress for over a weebecause of various commitments of others. After this sick line expires, I will be granted leave without the need for a sick line, until this situation is resolved in some way. It is not going to be an easy time, but it needs to be done. Thanks for your messages of support.

Mears - I would like to add my best wishes - you sound a really nice person and so good to help people out - I hope things work out for you

Yes - me too - Mears is always there when needed! Hope you get this issue resolved to your satisfaction. Good Luck

mears, as you know,I think I work in the same Trust as you. We recently had to have a first "disciplinary" meeting with one of our Junior staff whose performance had been less than ideal in certain aspects. The HR manager at our end insisted that the junior member of staff be given the opportunity to be accompanied, either by a legal representative (though it wasn't that serious a problem) or by a friend or colleague. You absolutely must have someone with you, if that is what you want, and, if your manager feels threatened by you, she should as well!

In our meeting the HR manager acted as "referee", and seemed to be following a set pattern, IYSWIM. We gave our point of view, without interruption, then he gave his response, similarly without interruption, then we were able to answer some points, then he was. HR manager proposed a plan of action, and when it was agreed by both parties the meeting was over. The plan will be put in writing and sent to both sides, then a further meeting will be scheduled to see if both sides are happy.Please don't get me wrong, I'm not suggesting that you have done something to be disciplined over (if anything, it seems as if your manager has!), but I would imagine that that is the sort of pattern that any Grievance procedure would follow.

I don't know if this process applies to you, exactly, but I suspect that something similar will happen in your case. Would it be less threatening for your manager if you were accompanied by a friend rather than a Union rep? Or has it gone too far for that sort of compromise?

BTW, I haven't a clue who you are!(Although I've probably given enough clues as to who I am over the last few months- ), but if I can help in any way, please let me know, on or off board.

Mears the more I hear about this the more I am glad I don't work in a big organisation.

It sounds a holey nightmare , not just doing your job (which you do unbelievably well) but having to answer to a bunch of chiefs whose personalities and prejudices come into play when they cast their judgements.

I know nothing about large organisations but your manager asking that you DON'T have someone accompanying you so she feels more comfortable to proceed sounds way out of order. Just who has been made to feel maximally "uncomfortable" by this affair, or have I misunderstood something?

Can't offer much good advice I'm afraid (with my work situation at the moment you'd be better off ignoring anything I said anyway ) - but I'm thinking of you and hoping it works out for you in the end.

Mears - so sorry things are not going well. It's a real nightmare when you've got to deal with a less-competent line manager who is threatened by your capability. You end up being 'punished' for being brilliant at what you do rather than rewarded and it is SO destructive and unfair.

The effects on your personal life can be devestating, and it really can eat into your sense of self-esteem and well-being. Mears - don't let it. Read all these messages, and keep in mind the high esteem in which you are held here - remember that it reflects your worth.

On a practical note - please do make sure that you are accompanied to your meeting - she also can arrange to have someone there if she's feeling uncertain. Her lack of confidence is not your problem - it is THE problem.

A final thought - take a look at some of the anti-bullying websites, such as www.bullyonline.org/
They carry an awful lot of 'psychological survival' information, which might be helpful.

Thinking of you, best of luck (you won't need it!)

Mears - here's another site that may be helpful:

www.workplacebullying.co.uk/

Thanks for those websites Griffy - have had a look.

The sad thing is that I have actually been on a bullying and harrassment course as a union representative. I do know how the process works but I am avoiding using those terms and am trying to achieve some kind of resolution without going the formal route. However, I am not going so informal that I won't have a rep with me, but it has taken me a while to realise that I must be accompanied.

Tissy - I am sure we do work for the same Trust but I definately haven't worked out who you are. Thankyou very much for your cyber support. Who knows, we may well have met in the past. I have decided I am not compromising on the union rep - it is my right, whether it is a problem for my manager or not.

Mears, I've just read this and it really does sound as if it's her problem and not yours, but you know that. People who feel threatened are so often hostile in working environments and I'm sorry that this is the case here. I agree that she shouldn't be allowed to try any informal route to resolving this and that you need support/representation. It seems that any informal meeting only serves her and won't necessarily help you. Especially if this goes further and she decides to disagree with what was said/agreed etc. Let's hope not but she doesn't sound like a reasonable person so best be wary. Anyway, just wanted to add my support and good wishes.

I'd just like to add my support, Mears, and my hopes that this situation is resolved asap. As for what makes the other party 'comfortable' - forget it; your own interests come first. Best wishes, Sue.

Hi Mears - just a quick note (Ds is still asleep - hooray!) to say that I hope things feel a bit better this week. I know you said before that things can't be resolved for over a week because of others' comittments, but I hope that you can manage to have some relaxation time away from your horrible work situation.

You are right that you should have someone with you if you want to - as someone else said previously her lack of confidence is not your problem, it is the problem after all. Have you got a clear idea of how you would like this situation to be resolved? ie. re-conducting the personal development review / having some way of arranging a different line manager (her senior perhaps?). I imagine that the best resolution is to never see her again, but unfortunately that is unlikely so some kind of working arrangement will have to be agreed. I think it would help if you go to the meeting with a clear idea of what you want to happen.

Anyway... I can hear a Ds waking in the distance - should probably go and investigate!

Best wishes - Kyliebumpx

Message withdrawn

Thanks Bloss. The positive side is that I have had more time to spend on mumsnet
Nothing is going to happen this week - hopefully a meeting will be arranged early next week. I am taking this time to recharge my batteries. I should also start writing an assignment I have to do but here I am surfing mumsnet again!

hi mears - sorry I didn't even realise it was so serious that you are off work. Hope things get resolved quickly. It must be so draining, to say the least. best wishes from another of your many supporters!

Thought I'd give a little update to tell you that I returned to work today for a few hours. After a number of meetings, issues have been raised and debated with solutions being sought. I feel optimistic that the problems my manager and I have had can be overcome with commitment from us both. It will take some time but I feel a lot better.
Down side is that I will not be spending lots of time on mumsnet anymore (i,. almost the whole day 0. Thanks for all the support from everyone - it really made a difference.

That's great news, Mears (apart from the bit about spending less time on here, of course).
I hope they realise what a jewel they have in you - I have to say that none of my community team (that I have met so far, of course) ever come across as so well-informed and committed...hope it continues to progress well at work.