do you think that it's possible to have a sensible conversation about awareness re falling fertility in the light of the other thread....

[Heathcliffscathy]

sorry about the humungous thread title...

but do you think we could talk about the question of putting off career to have babies/being aware of falling fertility as you age without resort to handbags at dawn?

i know it is a terribly emotional thing for all of us (me included massively). but is there room for discussing whether there should be a cultural seachange back to having your children younger...to avoid the pain and heartache of waiting til you're in your forties to start and struggling?

There is a David Seaman barbie
I want one!

or shoes OR baby

on a pair of scales

that would cheer us all up

I read the RCOG Statement on later maternal age and I can't help feeling cynical - I wonder whether there is going to be a big drive towards encouraging women to have children younger because of the costs of older mothers/IVF for the NHS (which is going to have to cut costs across the board very soon).

loving the shoes or baby choice.

David Seaman barbie? Dd's Kens would love to meet him... or is a her?

It's definitely a him

he has Big Hands

I found him in a charity shop

Surely it all hinges on meeting the right partner and being at the same point in your lives?

Although I wasn't particularly career orientated, I still had to work to earn a living and in my case, I just did not meet the right man until I was in my early 30s. I spent time in wrong relationships and spent time single too. However, at no point would I have considered a second-rate relationship just so I could have had kids at a young(er) age. Luckily, when I met my dh, he was also ready for kids and even more luckily, we had no problems starting a family.

I would imagine there are lots of women who are ready to start families but whose partners are not ready as well as women who are single but looking for the right partner, or women who are in a relationship that may not lead to children, etc.

This is starting to scare me now - DH and I are talking about ttc baby number 2 towards the end of the year and now I'm thinking about just getting on with it!

some women [gasps] don't actually want to have kids.

is it a hangover of the 'i can have it all /superwoman/ thinking....

that somehow saying you want to be a homemaker/ mother and maybe work part time or put your career on hold for 5 years was just Not the Done Thing

people do sneer.. saying you want to be a wife / mother/ SAH parent is hardly a socially acceptable statement

so you put off the child bearing until 30 ish and hope to christ you can pull it off

and what if you don;'t meet the one?

what if he has fertility issues or wants to wait until he is more established in his career?

so many, many variables BUT I don';t think you can argue with the fact that post 35 your fertility declines

for every 45 year old who gets pregnant easily or accidentally, thre will be fertility clinics full of disappointed women who have spent their life savings on IVF and have no more chances.

it sucks big time

i cannot imagine the pain of being unable to have children

i had my children relatively early. 24 when i had DS and 30 when i had DD.

downside was, no career to go back to and feeling a bit lost at sea

but i have got myself sorted, have a goal in mind and at almost 34, i am releived that my child bearing days are over and i can look at going back to uni or working more.

but i do worry for freinds in their 30s who aer single and want children

Still thinking about Big Hands Barbie...

I think this is such an important issue. And it's one that seems to have been swept under the carpet. The only one's profiting are the IVF clinics and the smug 'look at my large family' idiots who seem to take particular delight in quizzing you on your measly amount of offspring.

I have no problem with having that discussion. And yes it is an important issue that can't be left to chance for many women.

I can't quite shake the feeling that there was something nasty on that thread. Some of those who have chosen to have children at the right time (or circumstances chose for them) can occassionally have a teeny weeny axe to grind over those who have tried to do both. Someone who might actually succeed in 'having it all' makes them resentful.

Regardless of my fertility I was simply didn't want and was not ready to have children before I did (32).

jsut to add, i was aware from quite an early ish age that you needd to get a move on to get started ahving a family, i had always envisaged being 30 or so before starting a family, i knew that 40 + was the wrong side of being fertile enough

tbh i think it is better this way than being treated like some sort of brood mare and having no choice about the whole thing.

I've always wanted children and although I have a very good career it wasn't a case of saying 'no children until I've got where I want to be' it was a case as so many have said of meeting the right man when I was in my 30's not my 20's.

That said I really did not know how getting older would impact my fertility (assuming that it is my age that is causing the problems we're having).

I conceived very easily 2 years ago aged 35 - we were using a not very foolproof method of contraception called 'not having sex at vaguely mid cycle' and one month did have sex mid cycle and conceived. That ended in a mc, we have been unable to conceive since.

Infertility and childlessness is heartbreaking and makes me such a bitter person. A lot of that bitterness is at myself for not trying just one year earlier. So random internet people berating me for not doing just that aren't a great comfort.

claire - i am so sorry to hear that.

It's only very recently I've become aware of how much fertility declines with age. I always knew there were risks in terms of disability etc for the baby when you got to 35 but thought fertility only started decline mid to late 40s.

Fortunately I was just lucky I met dh in my late twenties and had my babies early/mid thirties.

Clair: That is bloody grim.

But it's also frustrating that people seem unable to say "This is the situation" without being accused of being unsisterly

Yes it was a bit like a sledgehammer for me too dinosaur. Quite unexpected.

I didn't feel broody until I met the right partner...which happily coincided with my feeling ready to have kids anyway.

But, have we been conditioned to not be broody in our 20s or early 30s? As Lulumama said, it has for a long time been seen as not quite the thing to start a family young.

A friend had her first at 29, and this was 15 years ago, and I remember many people were very surprised. It was seen as settling down, giving up, boring... I was out at nightclubs then. Being footloose and fancy free. Silly me.

I am now completely distracted by the barbie and demand a picture.

To the fertility issue.

When I was 17, I realised I was bright (I am slow to catch onto these things), I had toyed with the idea of nursing for years, but the penny dropping about my intelligence and my love of the human body, I started to think seriously about being a doctor. But, I was clearly a Very Odd 17 yr old. As much as I wanted to be a dr, I knew in my heart that the only thing that had stayed consistent with my future planning as a child was a desire for children. I sat and did the maths and realised that by the time I switched A Levels, finished a medical degree and got established in a career, not to mention the hours, it just wasn't going to be compatible with my dreams of how I wanted family life, and whether I would even be able to concieve later (I wasn't that sensible btw, never once did finding a man fit into these plans ).

I do think it should be mentioned in sex ed. Yes put the fear of god into them about getting pregnant and diseased, but it does need to be brought up that leaving it too late can cause problems too (for both sexes).