I don't love my child

[IrisMurdoch]

Hello, haven't posted on here for years. Wondered if anyone has any (kind) advice. Whilst I mostly live in a state of total and utter denial, the truth is that I have nothing but negative feelings towards my four year-old ds. I am mortified by this. I am totally shocked at what a dreadful mother I am. My life has nosedived since I had this child. I used to be happy and have a sense of purpose, now I limp through bitterly, largely aided by enormous quantities of wine.

I have just spent the most dreadful day with him. He started whining at 7.30am and the day limped on for the next 12 hours. I don't know what you are supposed to do with a four-year-old or where the fun is. Every activity I try to do with him goes wrong. He doesn't listen, he can't bear it when I try to show him how to do things. Hence playing games, painting, making things, reading etc are so fraught with tension and so utterly unenjoyable that I don't really bother any more.

I would rather be anywhere else. I would rather sit in bed for the whole day with a newspaper and the cat. I'm not interested in a single thing he says, I don't enjoy his company. There is nothing in this for me.

He's totally unaffectionate, he argues with me, he knows best about everything, he orders me about. He is rude and noisy and charmless. I am bored with telling him to speak nicely to me or putting him on the naughty step or taking toys away or threatening to call his Dad. What's the point? It's the same old bloody same old, whatever I do.

Sometimes I let him watch television for three hours at a time just so I can do something - anything - else. I know this is wrong but I need a semblance of life. It's intolerable.

I hate leaving work to get him from school, it's like I'm leaving my personality and life behind. I can't wait for him to go to bed. The weekends without him (alternate due to amicable separation) are a total joy and keep me going.
Mostly all I do is cook and clean and iron f school uniform and fake interest. It's exhausting.
I never thought that motherhood would be so profoundly empty, boring, one-sided and depressing.
I don't know what to do, I feel like I've got 14 years of a prison sentence in front of me and I'm just going to grow old and bitter. Does anyone know where I'm coming from? Is there a way back? Sorry to post such awful negative stuff, I realise most Mums find this rather appalling, that's why I never talk about it. X

btw im pretty shook at you're situation as a whole

I watched a film once where a mum left her baby on a plane then left the plane- it flew to Iraq

not sure if this is any help but i'm always available to talk.

I see this post is very old so prolly no one is even reading this anymore and this mum 's situation is fine now. But i searched online for help and this thread came up. I feel like im in the same boat now with a 5 yr old boy that she was in with her 4 yr old. I think some of the posters are being very presumptuous and smug she doesnt say she just randomly doesnt like her child. She is saying that her child is the one setting the mood and rebuffing everything nice she tries to do. Her post made me be kinder to myself. I was on board with my pregnancy since me son was a speck even though i knew i would be doing it alone. I spend.most of my salary on my son's catholic school education to help give him boundaries and structure and keep him safe. However he tries my last nerve and then some. Despite all my best efforts and i am also a full time licensed social worker, he is determined to aggravate me and school staff and even his classmates i think this poster was saying her son is the issue not her lack of feelings for him but how he destroys her feelings for him. Some kids are just more of a challenge than others. No one asked her if bipolar disorder ran in her family.or ADHD there are many reasons a kid is out of control that have nothing to do with the parent. Also she is doing this alone. Most posters didnt mention that. Those euphoric moms first of all have easygoing children, secondly theyre talking about those fun moments the day their spouse wrestles the kid into the bath for them or dresses the child in the morning while the kid kicks them. Its different when its YOU every damn day, every meal, every morning dressing , every sleep tantrum. And in my case , I dont even get child support so i can pay for help. So forgive any of us for not getting giddy at reading a story after making dinner, cleaning up dinner, washing the dishes, checking homework, wrestling a kid into a bath, wrestling them.out of the bath, brushing their teeth and making them put on their pajamas then some of us get the joy of taking out the garbage and recycling yippee so forgive me if im not ecstatic to read to or play with a whiny ungrateful brat after working 8.5 hours a day and commuting for 80 min minimum

Hello, I realise this is a very old thread, but I currently have a 4 year old son and I'm in exactly the same boat. So much so, that I could have written the main post myself. I just wondered how it all turned out for you and if there is indeed hope x

My son was like that, my teeth are chipped from the number of times I had to clench my jaw together to get on with it. I went on some parenting courses that helped. I had to be more literal with my son and I had to understand the world from his eyes and it helped a lot ie it might help to give him examples of what you mean ie when you say to him speak nicely to you - give him an example of what you mean ie "Its important to speak in a calm voice like mummy" "Mummy likes it when you speak in a calm voice". "Thank you for using your calm voice". Praise every little good thing he does and he will respond by wanting to please you more. Do you read to him at night? Its a good time to try and bond as when children are sleepy they like to snuggle with a book.
I am sorry you are going through this - but you are not the only one and things do get better as they get older and more independent. You will probably find it helpful to lay the ground work to get him looking after himself - my sister taught my nephew to make his own bacon and eggs at six!
But I do want to say to you....despite a very rocky start from the ages of birth until about 6....I am now totally in love with my little man. At 4 he caused me no end of stress and was always arguing with me and being tricky - a few years on as he has matured he is very sweet and most important of all he absolultey loves me unconditionally. Is super protective of me and always asking if I am OK.
Your son is 4...no it won't be like this for the rest of his childhood. He will mature and be more independent - and you will get from him the most unconditional love you will ever have in your life. Speak to your GP and get some help - if you are in the UK they offer a family resiliance service on the NHS where they come to home and give you some tips and advice to get things on track. Good luck.

It's ok OP and it's ok to be honest. This is why I never had kids and I'll be honest cant even stand the step kid tbh. And he is only here 2 times a month.

It's hard look my mother committed suicide as myself as a type 1 diabetic and a sister with behavioral issues my mum just gave up after having no support or help and literally working her self to death full time house and us kids. It's not your fault you dont love your child. Hell so many people don't but pretend they do as scared society will abandon them or label them. Ypu simply was not a child person. So I guess only option is to carry on and get support and meds when it gets unbearable and try to have freinds who know the truth. Then hopefully wont ever feel like my mum did and end it all. Best wishes to you. My condolences to you also. Xxx

Here to help guys has sound advice.

You only live once. Dont waste it and regret the one life you have. Ship it off to the ex and live again. Why should he get the easy life?

Believe me you are not alone although I completely agree that no one discusses it. You should try to not feel bad about it, you cannot help how you feel.
I find my life when I am home simply full of endless tidying, cleaning and cooking with little or no thanks.
As you, due to an amicable separation, I get every other weekend to myself and I often wonder what I would do should I not get this.
I try to tell myself they are just kids being kids but the laziness and complete lack of responsibility that they take for their possessions often drives me to tears.
Most mornings I find myself shouting to get dressed for school after several nice requests have gone ignored.
I find my daughter to be incredibly abrasive and find it next to impossible to show her affection.
My son I find easier and I feel I do genuinely love him but as his laziness and helplessness increases, I feel the resentment building. Why can’t they just do as they are asked?!
I worry that there is something wrong with me. A mother shouldn’t detest taking care of her own children but here I am.

I totally get u my son is 3 and has autism I planed to have a child and thought I would feel for him the way I do for my dog and cat but the truth is I fantasise about just putting him in care his father is wonderful and I do all the right things for my son but deep down I just feel hollow towards him I am capable of love for my hubby cat and dog and it’s immensely rewarding but I just feel empty when I look at him I I feel like the worst mother because of this I wasn’t abused or grew up in a toxic family in fact it was quite the opposite I don’t understand why I feel this totel I difference towards him I feel like if I tell my hubby or friends they will think I’m sick in the head I know autism has it’s own Challenges but it gos deeper I feel like a complete fake when ever I’m trying to fain interest in what he’s saying or play with his toys with him I’m just dead inside with him it’s bloody awful I totally understand were ur coming from

Dear poster,

I feel like I could have written this myself. My son has just turned 4. I can see this was posted many years ago.

Please tell me it got better :(. I’m at my wits end.

I too feel the same. Has it got any better for you? My son has just turned 4 and I’m at my wits end.

so this is an old post but i felt the need to comment as some of the things you said hit home and maybe it will help another.

we are dealing with a lot of the same. our son is defiant at only 23mo and has been for a while. if we try to work with him or do anything structured he runs away or throws a tantrum and often starts to stim as a way to escape. if we dont engage, then he will do all the same things. so we are damned if do...

honestly, we didnt feel that return of love from our toddler until he was about 14 months as he did not want to be touched and did not give hugs or really show any signs of affection. playing with him is also off the table, at least in stereotypical sense. he wants us near and will scream if we dont engage in his play, but the moment we start to play (coloring, cars, puzzles, etc) with him he will run off do something else as if he never asked us to come over in the first place. this has gotten a little better each month, but still i cannot recall a single time ive had the opportunity to sit beside my son and engage directly with him in play for more than a few minutes before he would run off or start to express anger with our involvement.

taking him out on trips is helpful but only in short spells as his limit is quickly exceeded. this results in full on stim-meltdowns which means we have to rush back home to stop the event.not uncommon for roadtrip to visit family which is approx 3hrs to have the last 2hrs of the trip become a non-stop scream ride. A neuro-typical child would probably fall asleep and/or find a car ride soothing, ours never has. hes has slept in the car since he was about 6months... unless he was beyond exhausted. eventually you begin to feel like a prisoner inside your own home with your toddler as your jailor.

we always suspected since 8-9months that something was off, but many other people may push thru without ever realizing that their child could have a disability causing these issues. We have a confirmed diagnosis for sensory related issues where our child is under stimulated and therefore sensory seeking. We are still waiting (forever waiting, because america has such great & superior healthcare🤣) for an autism evaluation. we fully expect that he will test for being on the spectrum to some level albeit very mild.

the behaviors you described in your post resonated with my own experiences and parents with neuro-typical children cannot understand the struggle of dealing with a toddler that exhibits these behaviors. the behavior looks to be irrational, but much like a phobia to the toddler is very real and poses an immediate threat to their peace of mind. Their responses to your engagement can feel like they are personal attacks against you and your ability to be a good parent. There is the feeling that your never good enough, you cant satisfy/make them happy, youre failing to meet their needs and that you are unloved in returned for your failures.

in regards to the whining, the old expression of no one likes a whiner comes from a place of truth so dont judge until youve experienced a toddler with sensory issues. Every toddler whines, but those with sensory issues, are next level. They are like fussy masters trained in the art of turning anything and everything (good and bad) into a reason to be upset with you and/or the world around them. its not their fault, they cannot help it. The stimulus that is seems normal to us is strange and overwhelming to them, to the point of being unbearable for them.

for the record, i do think my toddler loves me. he even give me hugs now and when he does they are very intense. however, if I indulge in the hug and try to reciprocate that action may result in its abrupt end and him getting mad at me.

Not sure if OP is experiencing the exact same or if they are even in similar waters, but the post leads me to believe we are. im sharing my experience with our similarities in the hope that anyone searching for answers, like i was today, may find this helpful.

Hello What you say is not unusual at all. There is no reason why adult women should be stuck with their children all day. My child liked Montessori playgroups which took all morning. There are always alternatives to non stop childcare. Please don't let anyone make you think you should be a prisoner. You have the same rights as any other adult. The recent trend towards homeschooling in the pandemic is like a plot to suppress women. I am sick of meeting old friends who think iw would like to discuss my daughter when I am meeting them to get away from her! She is nearly 18 btw. The sooner we rebel the better.

This. This is me. I have a 3 year old and a 2 year old. The 2 year old wasn't planned at all. In fact (and this is really bad) I didn't want him. I thought oh well, here we go again and at least it's a sibling for my first born son. (They're 14 months apart) Now as much as I hate the situation, I also enjoy it. The day passes faster, I get to go out (nursery run, big shop at Tesco) and anything is better than being stuck inside. And fyi I actually love my second born son. I just don't like that it's the same shit every day, literally. Roast me, whatever, at least I'm being honest.