I don't love my child

[IrisMurdoch]

Hello, haven't posted on here for years. Wondered if anyone has any (kind) advice. Whilst I mostly live in a state of total and utter denial, the truth is that I have nothing but negative feelings towards my four year-old ds. I am mortified by this. I am totally shocked at what a dreadful mother I am. My life has nosedived since I had this child. I used to be happy and have a sense of purpose, now I limp through bitterly, largely aided by enormous quantities of wine.

I have just spent the most dreadful day with him. He started whining at 7.30am and the day limped on for the next 12 hours. I don't know what you are supposed to do with a four-year-old or where the fun is. Every activity I try to do with him goes wrong. He doesn't listen, he can't bear it when I try to show him how to do things. Hence playing games, painting, making things, reading etc are so fraught with tension and so utterly unenjoyable that I don't really bother any more.

I would rather be anywhere else. I would rather sit in bed for the whole day with a newspaper and the cat. I'm not interested in a single thing he says, I don't enjoy his company. There is nothing in this for me.

He's totally unaffectionate, he argues with me, he knows best about everything, he orders me about. He is rude and noisy and charmless. I am bored with telling him to speak nicely to me or putting him on the naughty step or taking toys away or threatening to call his Dad. What's the point? It's the same old bloody same old, whatever I do.

Sometimes I let him watch television for three hours at a time just so I can do something - anything - else. I know this is wrong but I need a semblance of life. It's intolerable.

I hate leaving work to get him from school, it's like I'm leaving my personality and life behind. I can't wait for him to go to bed. The weekends without him (alternate due to amicable separation) are a total joy and keep me going.
Mostly all I do is cook and clean and iron f school uniform and fake interest. It's exhausting.
I never thought that motherhood would be so profoundly empty, boring, one-sided and depressing.
I don't know what to do, I feel like I've got 14 years of a prison sentence in front of me and I'm just going to grow old and bitter. Does anyone know where I'm coming from? Is there a way back? Sorry to post such awful negative stuff, I realise most Mums find this rather appalling, that's why I never talk about it. X

I agree with anniebear - make an appointment with your gp, print your original post and take it with you - it makes very sad reading TBH

Sorry, that should be if you were.

I felt the same about ds and had PND. Then i had dd 3 years later and realised how ill I was then.

HOWEVER, I am a single parent to a 7 year old and 4 year old now. I've been on my own with them for over 2 years. We fight, argue, ds does no work at school and I'm forever tackling that.

I have to say that although I don't share the complete loathing of spending time with them as you do ( but i did, so I know how it feels) I do find that I am happiest when I'm not with them, I'm at work.... being me. Or out for the night... being me. With friends BEING MEEEEEE!

And me is a nicer person then!

I think that we put so much pressure on ourselves to be the perfect parent. But I call a spade a spade... I am no mother earth. I find spending too much time with them mind numbing. I too opt for TV, DVD's toys...... anything!!!!!!! I take them out for tea and to the zoo and all those fun things at the weekend... but I'm not ashamed to admit that that isn't my idea of a fab weekend!

But we have kids now...I never banked on being a single parent as I'm sure you didn't, but I've learned to live with the fact that it isn't the most rewarding job in the world. FAR from it.

But you do love your child. You just don't like him right now.

And that's ok too.

I will never ever ever paint motherhood to my childless friends as the bestest EVER, which I used to. Its bloody hard.

But you need to get things back into perspective.... and I have dragged myself from that place. And he can be fun again. But echo what others have said. Talk to someone..... you're only feeling things that a huge percentage of women do..... but don't get help. Once you do i can assure you you'll feel a whole lot different!

Thanks, everyone.

To respond to a couple of things, I do get occasional moments of joy. I bought him his first bike the other week and he was so happy and excited. First day of school was great - I was really proud of him. We had a little family party and I felt it might be the start of a new chapter.

I feel sorry for my ds too.

Ex would refuse to take on any additional responsibility. He has a very busy job and just about scrapes by himself. He also has the emotional intelligence of a bison so it would be quite impossible to talk to him about it. Whenever I've been brave enough to raise the awkward subject of our son's behavioural issues, he feigns astonishment and says 'Really? He's SO well behaved with me." Nothing doing there. (His mum just died of cancer too so it's not a great time for him.)

Family very nice and supportive but not on doorstep and have own stuff to deal with. Sister has young baby, parents getting on a bit. My mother thinks ds is very hard work and gets annoyed with his lack of respect for me.

I was on anti-depressants for months this year and I didn't feel any better at all. So I stopped taking them.
I have seen several counsellors to talk about dreadful negative feelings. Didn't change a thing, except to make me considerably poorer.

I should add that now I do enjoy their company!! And have started to laugh when they act silly....... instead of shouting at them for it. etc.

Thanks for posting again OP.

Maybe you need different AD's?

Don't write off counselling. You don't have to see a private counsellor, it can be arranged through your GP.

Have you spoken to anyone and made them aware how you really feel? GP? HV? Family? Friends? Sometimes you actuall have to say 'I am NOT COPING and I NEED HELP' before people will listen.

I do sympathise with your re: your XP. Mine is just like that. Anything problem wise/medical I seem to be the one that has to sort it out. Why is it that YOU have to sort everything and he doesn't? That isn't fair.

It sounds like you could do with some more support. Where are you?

Thank you for your honesty in posting this.

Why would your work and childfree time be fun but not your childcaring time if you were depressed? My take is that you are disengaged. Sorry if I am offbeam but that's what it sounds like to me.

Let me tell you, most of the women of my acquaintance would rather spend the day in bed with a newspaper than making mudpies with a four year old.

It's difficult to force yourself into a level of engagement but you can get into it. Give yourself rewards. If you spend two hours baking a cake and do all the copious cleaning up afterwards, you get to use the TV as a babysitter for an hour and paint your toenails. Be fair though in the time you allocate to him.

To be honest three and four are pretty charmless ages. Tantrums and bad behaviour and you keep on saying the same old stuff until you feel as though you want to burst. It does get better though, really it does.

I think you are making things worse by disengaging because you are then letting him get away with bad behaviour which then makes him worse company and makes you want to disengage more. I always used to do this by the way. You just have to be firm. Really firm.

Have you hit the disassociation button? Used to get me through those sort of days. I used to imagine a perfect mother and when the children were being so irritating I could have throttled them, I'd imagine that there was a TV camera in the kitchen and I was acting the part of said perfect mother. Force the calm, and after a while it comes naturally.

When you say he started whining at 7.30, that sounds like he wanted your attention. You can give them a fraction of your attention, you know. So you could for example, pull him into bed with you, give him a cuddle, get him a drink then settle him into bed with you with a book or the TV for half an hour while you get to read the newspaper, and just occasionally lean across and give him a kiss or something.

Take him out by the way. You have to go out at the weekends. Take him swimming every weekend. I know it's a pain but just force yourself into a situation where you have to be attentive.

Oh and knock the booze on the head - you've got to do that. I had a period when I was drinking far too much. Alcohol dependency does creep up. Ban yourself from drinking midweek or during the day and ration yourself in the evenings.

There is a lot in it for you by the way. A lifelong love and a companion and a friend if you get the parenting bit right now.

Also, if you are taking ADs and then stop suddenly it can cause a terrible 'crash' and make you worse.

I have spells of feeling a bit like this myself (my DS is 4 too and though he is a lovely child a lot of the time he can be whiny and stroppy and unreasonable too).
I find getting out of the house every day to be fairly vital: we go to one of the nearby parks and he is now big enough to run around the playground either amusing himself or making friends with other kids and I can flick through a magazine or do a bit of work or just think my own thoughts while keeping half an eye on him - and fresh air always raises the spirits. Even if it's pissing down: put on wellies and jump in muddly puddles, it's more cheering than you might think.
But I do think you should maybe go back to the GP: the thing with ADs is that different ones work for different people.

Firstly, i think you are very brave to admit you feel this way, its is a big step in the right direction to getting some help for you and your ds. Being a single parent is hard, exhausting and frankly not much fun when you have to work full time. Your ds probably picks up on your negativity and that must makes him feel awful as he would be too young to understand why mummy feels this way, his little mind must be very confused, which in turn will make him angry, rude, argumentaive and unaffectionate, through no fault of his own. The way you feel is not appalling, it is very very sad. It doesnt have to be this way, i think you need to seek professional help, please go and speak to your gp, there is help out there for you, i really feel for you, it must be so hard having to struggle through the days feeling this way, please get some help.

Your post was very honest and I can relate to alot of your feelings. I brought up a DD on my own. Can you think of a few positives at all. If not then please get some help.

FWIW I would say I felt this way 70% of the time and the rest was positive. Although hard I knew I loved her more than anything. Even now I look back and wished I had enjoyed her more. Agree nothing wrong with just letting them be, watching TV etc and freeing your mind.

Also I believe that some children are much harder than other, but it can turn around when they get older.

I really feel for you.

I was going to say the same Janos when I had my huge meltdown at Christmas which involved wondering my village in pyjamas with nothing on my feet and hiding from a police car I had stopped taking my tablets!

I think you do love him.

You just find life and him a real struggle.

You need to get therapy through your GP, so it doesn't cost you anything.

Tell us more about your DS. What other moments of joy do you get? What are the lovely things about him? How do you feel when you're not with him for a while? How would you like things to be for him?

When you are deperessed you often focus entirely on the negative and the difficulties and dismiss the good things, the positive.

On the positive, you are able to acknowlede that there are probelems(not to be underestinated, a BIG first step!), that you want things to be different for him, you care enough to worry about this. On the positives, you obviously care.

I had a lot of counselling that didn't help but I did find psychotherapy (both group and individual) much much much more so. Please speak to your gp, yes try different antidepressants but also insist on a NHS referral to your local mental health unit.

Sorry x post, I notice that you enjoyed his excitment of his first bike and first day at school, just hold on to the thought that there will be many other positive moments later on.

How is he getting on at school, how do the teachers find him. He may have ADHD (hinted at with my daughter). Worth considering. He may be super intelligent as he gets older or fabulous at sport etc.

Perhaps you could seek out things that he or you and him could do for one day over the weekend. They might not be that exciting but getting out and coming into contact with other people might be better than being in the house all day. My ds is much younger than yours and I'm not a single parent, but I know that although I do enjoy his company I enjoy it much more going out with him than staying in.

Are there any single parent support groups near you?

TSAP, at least you had your PJs on..I ran into the park naked and gibbering at 2am.

What a site that must have been .

Iris please give the anti-depressants another try, it can take up to 6 months before they take effect properly and you can feel worse before you feel better (not what you want to hear I'm sure but it's better that I'm honest). If you don't feel they are making a difference you could need the dose upping, you may need quite a high dose.

Please don't dismiss the anti-depressants, I really wasn't keen to take them at first until my doctor explained that depression is actually caused by a chemical imballance in the brain and the medication readdresses this ballance when your body is unable to do it itself.

I know how you feel about the councelling, it's not for eveybody but there are different things you could try instead. My local mental health service offered me cognitive behavioural therapy to help me to change the way I think and deal with situations. I'm not saying it has "cured" me - far from it, but it has had some really good points and although I dismissed some things they suggested other ideas have been really useful. It was also free so unlike councilling if it doesn't work you have nothing to loose.

I think you are brave and honest to post about this. I think a lot of mothers feel the same way but would not dare to say anything in case they get verbally attacked. You're really not alone in this although you must feel like you are.

I have felt dislike for my DS (3½). I know though that I do love him because the thought of his being hurt or taken away is painful for me.

On a very simple and practical level, I have found that always being out with him, never at home unless it's dinner and bedtime has helped a lot. Whether it's in the park, on a playdate or the supermarket or anything, the pressure is off a bit because he's occupied by other stuff but he's with his mum too so he doesn't feel alone.

Would agree with Quattro's great post on this.

I really hope you start to feel better soon and that you might enjoy motherhood a bit. Take care.

QuattroCento - I think you're right about disengagement.
I do find joy in plenty of other things, not least a great job which I'm very lucky to have.

I swear to God that I try to do things at the weekends - I've tried the whole swimming thing - but Jesus it's backbreakingly hard work - getting kid to get dressed (whining, refusals, can't find shoes, won't wear this, wants drink, crying, etc) - getting into car (buggering about in street, getting in wrong door, not sitting down, kicking car interior, struggle for seat belt), etc etc etc, then the swim itself is fraught and unpleasant (crying cos not allowed to go in over-5 bit, running by poolside, splashing me in face tho I've said 18 times not to, wants poo, wants that boy's float, wants that girl's goggles, crying cos can't have them, crying when is time to go, struggle to get dressed and get back in car, wants more things.)

AAAAAAGGHHHHHHH. It's the stuff of nightmares.

( And he doesn't do cuddles unless literally forced to. What a great kid).

Quattrocentro talks a lot of sense.
The thing is, it's not really unnatural that you, as a grown adult, don't really enjoy doing the same things that he, a 4 year old child, enjoys. So if it is just you and him all day it's bound to be really hard for you.
I would second all the suggestions to try to get into more situations where he has other children to play with. If someone I knew (even not very well) said that as a single parent they were having difficulty entertaining their child all day (maybe this is a good way you could put it to them) and could we try to meet up I would be delighted, (a) so I could help and (b) so my children had someone extra to play with.
Or even just go to playgrounds etc where he can play with people you don't already know.

you may have reasons for feeling this way... as other posters have tried to point out... depression / life not turning out as you hoped / etc. but whatever the reason may be i can only think your ds's needs, particularly his emotional needs arent't being met by you at the moment. you've told us a lot about how you feel (and i agree that's v brave) but it is all a bit me me me.... how do you think it feels to be him being parented by someone who has such a negative view / experience of him? can you empathise with his situation or is that one aspect of the problem. maybe if you don't want to consider more ads then you need to tell gp what you've told us....

what do you want to happen?
what do you think would need to happen to improve things?
how do you deal with the behaviour of ds's that you describe so negatively?

you can make every little thing a battle of wills / argument with a 4 yo or you can try a little creativity / humour / distraction you know.

do you tell him he's gorgeous / you love him etc?

Yep, they can be totally and utterly beastly at this age. EVERYTHING is a source of conflict and argument. It gets really really tiresome. And it makes you think for what do you bother with the child?

What I do is I compare how shit I feel (and therefore how shit DS must feel) after I've lost my temper to how much better I feel if I've handled the situation calmly and managed to distract DS from his fury.

And pick your battles. So he kicks the car interior and there's a struggle for the seat belt - these aren't important battles. Ignore those kinds of things. If he's being unkind to you or another child, then a chat and a hug is in order.

Now, I've said that and you probably handle your DS calmly?

It's very very hard. Don't feel that anyone finds it easy because they don't.

Janos I think we are very special women I had nothing on my feet though!

I've also read this bit again:
"Every activity I try to do with him goes wrong. He doesn't listen, he can't bear it when I try to show him how to do things. Hence playing games, painting, making things, reading etc are so fraught with tension and so utterly unenjoyable that I don't really bother any more"
Are you maybe trying too hard to get him to do things "properly"? Eg, making a recognisable picture, making a proper model of something? Maybe try just letting him do exactly what he wants - eg mixing the paints with the water and making big mess rather than a picture (my DSs both did this), making someting unrecognisable out of lots of sellotape etc. Let him do it "wrong" if he wants to. Maybe try sitting back and just helping when he asks?