I don't love my child

[IrisMurdoch]

Hello, haven't posted on here for years. Wondered if anyone has any (kind) advice. Whilst I mostly live in a state of total and utter denial, the truth is that I have nothing but negative feelings towards my four year-old ds. I am mortified by this. I am totally shocked at what a dreadful mother I am. My life has nosedived since I had this child. I used to be happy and have a sense of purpose, now I limp through bitterly, largely aided by enormous quantities of wine.

I have just spent the most dreadful day with him. He started whining at 7.30am and the day limped on for the next 12 hours. I don't know what you are supposed to do with a four-year-old or where the fun is. Every activity I try to do with him goes wrong. He doesn't listen, he can't bear it when I try to show him how to do things. Hence playing games, painting, making things, reading etc are so fraught with tension and so utterly unenjoyable that I don't really bother any more.

I would rather be anywhere else. I would rather sit in bed for the whole day with a newspaper and the cat. I'm not interested in a single thing he says, I don't enjoy his company. There is nothing in this for me.

He's totally unaffectionate, he argues with me, he knows best about everything, he orders me about. He is rude and noisy and charmless. I am bored with telling him to speak nicely to me or putting him on the naughty step or taking toys away or threatening to call his Dad. What's the point? It's the same old bloody same old, whatever I do.

Sometimes I let him watch television for three hours at a time just so I can do something - anything - else. I know this is wrong but I need a semblance of life. It's intolerable.

I hate leaving work to get him from school, it's like I'm leaving my personality and life behind. I can't wait for him to go to bed. The weekends without him (alternate due to amicable separation) are a total joy and keep me going.
Mostly all I do is cook and clean and iron f school uniform and fake interest. It's exhausting.
I never thought that motherhood would be so profoundly empty, boring, one-sided and depressing.
I don't know what to do, I feel like I've got 14 years of a prison sentence in front of me and I'm just going to grow old and bitter. Does anyone know where I'm coming from? Is there a way back? Sorry to post such awful negative stuff, I realise most Mums find this rather appalling, that's why I never talk about it. X

But maybe depression doesn't even come into the equation sometimes?

How brave of you to post this Iris and Lightbells.

I can relate, i have 2 DS's who are both quite challenging, behaviour wise.

Sometimes i resent them for being here, or should i say resent myself for putting them here, but i know i always love them because i would still always protect them and stand up for them if it came to it.

My eldest son spends alot of time in hospital and even when he is driving me to tears with his annoying behaviour, the moment they stick the needle into his chest and he cries i know without a doubt that actually although sometimes i don't like him, i always love him. He is a vunerable, defencless child that i created some part of me will always love him.

The same goes for DS2, he really is a sod, he is like a Bull he runs at everything head first, i have lost count of the amount of black eyes and bloody noses my 2 year old has given me, but as long as i can hold on to one part of love for him i know we will be ok.

However muhc you plan and try to prepare for motherhood, you never can, each new age and phase brings along different trials and tribulations, i have struggled greatly, i am not what you would call a natural mother, one of my sons is very cuddly and tbh i can't stand him always touching me but i eill strive on to give them the best life i can, i made a choice to have them and i have to follow through with that.

They both benifit for unorganised play, a trip to the park is great, i can sit and read Heat and they are enclosed in the park and can happily play for hours.

I am lucky to have a DP and it is still hard so i can only imagine and sympathise what it is like as a single parent. I to have not alot of outside support from relatives and no friends to speak of though so i know what your going through.

Your not bad or evil or horrible, your finding hard to bond with your child and except and embrace your new life, it is not as uncommon as you may think.
It is ok to sometimes not like your children very much.

I have no advice but i wanted to reply as i felt you were very brave to post what you did.

x

I'm worried that everyone is immediately diagnosing depression. I felt just like the OP with both of my first children. I just couldn't see anything good about motherhood -and the usual advice of 'go to mums+tots and meet other mums' just made me feel worse meeting all the mums who just LOVE doing all the mindless fingerpainting, biscuit baking, going to the park etc. I thought they were all barking mad.

In retrospect I think I was just not cut out for life at home with little ones. Nothing more, nothing less. They are older now and far more interesting. I got through it with a mixture of complete honesty about how crap I thought motherhood was (I must've been really charming company!) and I would just get the kids to do whatever I wanted to do (shopping, watching tv, visiting childless friends for lunch etc). This partly assuaged all the tedious tantrums and boredom.

But I think guilt has a lot to do with it too because you think you SHOULD be taking them swimming or to playgroups or reading a book with them. Don't. The day I took them to a children's farm with a yummy mummy friend and could've cried with the sheer anger, tedium and resentment - they don't even remember it. I often right off trips swimming, to a museum or fun park now because it is not worth the 'hassle factor'. Back then, I was stupid enough to think that it mattered. It doesn't.

As my husband said to me when I thought I didn't love my son: "it doesn't matter how you feel, it only matters how you behave" If the kid is being fed, clothed and his needs are being met just ride it out until he goes to school.

I'm sure lots of mums feel this antipathy toward their children - they just don't have the conscience you do. This conscience is where your love is. It is just buried under all the other stuff.

I'm sorry to say, and it is of no help to you at all, but some of us will never love our child. Give it 30 years and then you should know if you have bonded. If you are still repelled by the physical touch of your offspring, then probably not. I am very sorry to say that this is my experience. The fault lies entirely with me, though it was never a feeling I had any control over. I feel nothing but guilt and it will never end. I have not been a good mother and he has been a wonderful son, and has become a good if somewhat cynical and lonely man. His father has been the bedrock of his life. There is no way back now.

Iris, if by some chance you see this, I know you posted a long time ago... could you contact me please?

sorry you feel like this and think you have done really well to post about it.

Haven't had chance to read all other messages but have you tried ringing parentline? If you are a single mum, what about gingerbread? Do you have a homestart near you? Any childrens centres that may have outreach workers? Do you have a supportive health visitor?

Re watching 3 hours of TV, I was alwyas dead against children watching TV and said my children wouldn't do it, then they were introduced as toddlers to TV at a friends hhouse and I felt sometimes it was a good way of keeping them safe from a dangerous kitchen when I was cooking, mopping the floor etc. Then when pregnant last time, I had such a difficult pregnancy that I feel all I did was put them in front of the TV all day while I lay on the sofa

Now, things are pretty hard for me too, with 4 very young children and one is being assessed for special needs; sometimes her behaviour is appalling and i just want to walk out, especially when the toddler is being difficult and baby crying a lot, what i try to do then is rather than telly put on some music and they all dance together which really helps them let off steam and i can have a break and actually enjoy them

oh dear, just realised this is a very old thread! sorry

bump

People keep trying to convince me I'm depressed, I'm just tired of stuck being a mother without any other life options or choices. If I could leave my husband and have him be a single parent I would. I was not meant to have children but I often try to convince myself I can get through this, only 13 more years... yet, it feels like an impossibility.

There are also periods of time when parents dont like their child because of a certain stage their son or daughter might be going through?adolescence, for example.

read more of this article here

Sorry to hear your sad story. I am in exactly same place. I cant stand sight of my child most of the time. Complete embarrassment and dissapointment mine was fine until week after birth. The last 4 years have been hell. It is comforting to see i am not the only person with this hell.

I feel the same way.. And I feel horrible. I mean I love my kids and I would never let anyone hurt them, or go hungry. I just don't feel like I like to be around my kids, sometimes when they want to hug me I feel weird and I try to pull away fast. I feel like a horrible human being for even typing this.

Thought I would put in my two cents as the OP has never really been addressed.
Thing is, in this day and age, it's OK to feel the way the OP did. Despite what we see on the outside, there is a very high rate of parents who regret having children.
Unfortunately, there is little to no help for these parents other than advice dished out by people who think they are helping, but are actually making it worse.
Advice like "seek medical help - you have PND" or "take a parenting class" will do nothing for people like the OP other than make them resent their responsibilities further.
This resentment can turn very dangerous.
There have been an incredibly high amount of cases lately where a parent (who was otherwise happy and healthy) would snap and end up abandoning their family, or much much worse...
For a parent who feels like the OP described, parenthood is like being a bird trapped in a cage that doesn't allow you to even spread your wings.
You become a shell of your former self.
Parenting becomes the CAUSE of depression for you, but according to society "you're doing great so far! Keep it up! it will get better eventually".
To someone who feels like the OP, that attempt at encouragement can sound more like "you're doing great! Just pull out a few more fingernails. Can't tell you how many more, but it won't be any more than 10 in total! You can do it!"
Why do you have to keep it up? You've tried, but now you feel like there is no other escape than to maybe... run away?
Fact is, parents who feel like this could end up doing just that. Not everyone you know is strong enough.
We all want what is best for children, but sometime what's best, is to allow parents to surrender their children and related responsibilities, and NOT be chastised for being "selfish" (having children is a selfish deed if you really think about it), but surrendering your child to allow them a chance at a better life, regardless of of how you'll feel about it 5 years later is a far more selfless act than forcing the torcher on yourself that is parenting, to then end up having the children taken away from you anyway.

I truly hope things have worked out for the OP.

I'm coming late to the party by about 10 years, but I totally relate to this post. Objectively I know my son is a great kid but there is almost nothing less interesting to me than spending time with him. He's 7 now and I've never missed him a minute when I'm away from him and the best part of every day is bedtime. I love him fantastically and fiercely but I don't need to spend time with him.

I know this post was 9 years ago but I literally feel like I could have written it!! I can't stand being alone all day with my son, it bores me to tears! To the point where I'm miserable and snapping at him by the end of the day before his dad gets home. His dad doesn't get it because he thinks our son is the best thing ever (probably because he sees him for 20 minutes every morning and evening and at weekends). I don't feel depressed and think it's far too easy to just label it PND. I literally just think some people just aren't natural mothers. I know I would be so much happier if I'd never had kids and it breaks my heart that I a) have ruined my life by having kids and b) the poor kids stuck with me as a Mum!

OP, did your situation ever change or do you feel the same? Would be interested to find out.

Thanks!

I didn't enjoy being a SAHM...and neither did my kids. Couldn't wait to get back to work. Go back to work and you will appreciate the time with your DS so much more. Do you not love your DS or do you just resent being stuck at home?

I had this with my eldest. I didn't bond with him at ALL. :(

Manijo I do work, I work two days a week and it gives me my sanity! I just want my old life back- still after 4 years!

I resent everything! I resent not being able to go away just me and my husband like we used to, I resent not being able to wake up when I want, I resent not feeling like my old self! I resent not being able to progress my career in the way I always thought I would when I was younger. It's everything!

Don't get me wrong I love my son of course I do as the thought of never seeing him again upsets me but I feel the same way about my neice. Except I can't give back my son after a nice visit lol.

I'm just not a natural mother and I fear I'll struggle until he's an adult!

Hi,
I realise this is a very old post now but just came across it in my own search for guidance and was wondering how things progressed over the next few years xx

Yes I was also wondering how things are now?

here's a couple of tips......
Discipline starts with a smile not a frown.
If you don't love them you can't discipline them.
Rules without relationship equals rebellion.
You can hide discipline in play.
Children want to please you so be pleased.
Look for the good, better to do that than correct bad later.
Shouting,screaming,humiliating,belittling,labeling and smacking is bullying not discipline.

Discipline is a part of love.
If he can't get your good attention he'll get your bad attention.
If its any consolation I did bully style parenting.
Good luck, my heart goes out to you.

Sorry me again........
When i said you can hide discipline in play i should have been clearer.
I helped in a nursery as a volunteer parent, two days a week for two years. (i was a dad) when i played with the children and smiled and laughed a lot of the time it made my frown say so much more.
I'd say with a frown, "oh I don't like that," (like when they slapped me and ran away) they never did it again.

Hey love,
I know the feeling! Ive had a stuplendous idea whilst reading your story... ship the thing over to the dads and come and collect it in about 10 years. thank me later, it works wonders babe x