I'm a terrible Mum - finding it really hard to like ds1 atm.

[marthamoo]

I feel awful Ds1 (8 in a couple of weeks) is driving me mad. He sets my teeth on edge - I feel like the world's worst Mum. We have always been so close but now I hardly seem to know him. He is so silly all the time. He's just come out of school and he was grating on me before we even got out of the school gates. He does this thing where he makes up a nonsensical word - it's "nada" tonight, and just says it over and over and over again in various stupid voices. Trying to start a conversation is met with more silly voices and silly walks. And he's developed this really irritating cackle - that's the only way I can describe it, it's not laughing. I grit my teeth together to refrain from saying anything. He winds ds2 up to fever pitch the second we get in through the front door - they end up both running round just shrieking while I try and get dinner ready. Someone always ends up in tears. I end up bellowing like a maniac.

What has gone wrong? I love him to pieces. I go in and look at him when he's asleep and he's still my baby and my heart melts. But when he's awake he drives me crazy.

The worst thing of all is that he's noticing - he asked me the other day if I still loved him because I seem to be angry all the time . He also thinks I favour his little brother. Which in a terrible way is true - 3 year olds are easier to like than 8 year olds. Ds2 and I have (mostly) nice peaceful days together, pottering around, doing stuff, and then it all goes pear shaped at 3 pm.

I'm ashamed to put my name to this What can I do? I remember when I was pregnant with ds2 thinking I could not possibly love another child as much as ds1 - it never occured to me I might "go off" ds1. Help...

Oh, you poor thing - don't beat yourself up about it. Of course you still love your ds1! Boys can be annoying though. I don't know if it's because they're the opposite so we empathise less well, or what. I have 2 ds's of my own though they are younger than yours at 3.5yrs & 8m.o. My ds1 annoys me when he's horrible to his little brother & I see him get this sly look on his face as he tries to work out how much he can get away with. I'm not looking forward to the stage when all they want to talk about is sport and playstation & I have to pretend to be interested.

I'm sure this is very normal and very common - i only have one child so can't really share your feelings....but kids are incredibly annoying a lot of the time aren't they?! And I think we sometimes expect too much of them. it will pass surely - his silly phase and your annoyance.

Hang in there (annoying phrase, sorry!).

Good luck. Don't beat yourself up about it.

I mean "the opposite sex"

Marthamoo{{{hugs}}}
I think we all feel like this sometimes. My two are just the same and 1/2 term felt like a a prison sentance. Ds and dd haven't seen each other all day yet they started bickering on the 5 minute walk home from school and are still at it now.
If you are worried that DS1 is feeling left out why don't you set aside some special time just for him each day. I know this can be difficult but maybe just reading a story together after DS2 is in bed.

Oh marthamoo, I don't think you've gone off him, I just think he's at a difficult age. If it's any consolation, ds wound me up into such a frenzy on Thursday last week (he was off school) that I totally lost it and whacked his lunch plate off the table so hard (I got 'none of your business', a shrug and a teenage sneer when I asked him why he didn't like what I'd cooked for him) that it broke. I also screamed at him that his behaviour was horrible (I think mine was much much worse actually) and we all (me, ds AND dd) burst into tears. It was awful and I was so ashamed of myself but I'm telling you in the hope that it'll make you realise you're not alone. Can you find something that absorbs ds2 when you get in so you can do something with ds1? Or the other way around? Is there something you can do with ds1 that he will like and engage in so it's easier to be with him. Do you ever get to spend time alone with ds1? Might that help, seeing a film together at the weekend or something? Sympathy. I wish I had something more constructive to say.

You might not like him much marthmoo but you'll always love him. I was like this with my ds last week

I know where you are coming from Marthamoo, When we were on holiday this year, my ds1 asked us if we loved him as much as the eldest and youngest. It is tough for him being a middle child and sometimes he does get lost, i know... he is also 9, which like you say, is a difficult age. My dd is now 14 and much less annoying, so i know they grow out of it...
someone suggested some special time just for him and you.. that is what i try and do now (his dad has always done this)... and i sit and stay whilst he does his homework and invite him to watch films with us to get him off his computer..

Wish they came with a manual sometimes.., sometimes i despair, but honestly, you're not alone, just go with it and think about the good bits..
hth

I've been complaining about my 5 y.o. this weekend. Now you're telling me they get even worse ????

hello. i'm a new mumsnetter, came across site by accident and joined the hope of conversations like this that let me know i'm not alone. I am having a terrible time right now with my 5 year old ds - its like having a teenager the way he speaks to me - completely disrespectful, demanding, ungrateful. I have lost my rag with him several times recently in public (several times in school playground - with other parents tut tutting away!). In past week I have called him (to his face) a little shit and a spoiled little b**rd. I know this is not "good parenting" but he constantly drives me to the edge. Actually wondered if I might need parenting classes to help me learn how to deal??? Any advice?? Think maybe I have raised a spoiled brat! I have an 18 mth ds and am worried he is going to be just the same.....

I am so glad this has been posted because I get times like this, ds1 is four and ds2 is five months. I really have to check myself at times because ds1 can wind me up so much. I just have to try and remind myself how good he really is and that he is still very little, a lot of teeth gritting!!

As we all know children of all ages are bloody hard work and I think sometimes we expect to much of ourselves, we are not infalliable.
And we love them and will always do our best for them, have to say the negative feelings have all but disappeared as ds2 is getting bigger. maybe sheer exhaustion had something to do with it

Martha, I am honestly not making this up but your post is like you've tapped in to my head and have written it for me.

I feel exactly the same, Ds1 does the same silly voices, silly words, and it starts beofre we've left the school gates.

Honestly , I actually quite freaked out reading this as it is exactly the same.

I wish I had a answer for you....for us but i haven't a clue how to make it better.

I do feel better for reading this as I know I am not alone. My ds2 who is 9 drives me crazy. When he goes round his friends or out somewhere I breathe a sigh of relief as I know he won't be able to wind me or ds1 up. Then at night I feel really guilty and I look at him in bed and think how sweet he really is. Then the next morning it starts all over again, the cheekiness, bad temper, swearing is his latest thing and so on.
Ds1 went through a bit of a bad stage but is now 11 and seems to be getting better all the time, so hopefully ds2 is just going through a bad stage ATM.
Marthamoo, I very nearly posted the same as you last week. No one ever can tell you how hard is is to be a parent. I just take each day as it comes and hope things will improve as ds2 gets older {although dreading the teens).

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It will pass. DS1 did this. Used to drive me mad. Now he's lovely and gorgeous again and I'm keen to keep him. I used to want to give him away (probably tried a few times as well). I think it's a phase thing. It was for us. Don't know why the little b*ggers do it, but I hated every bit of it. I remember looking at one of his friends and thinking that he was a horrid little boy, then I looked at mine and thought, OMG what a horrid little boy.

I am experiencing this too, so I hope it helps in someway to know your not alone. You may have read some threads I have started about not liking my daughter very much. She is 7 and ds is nearly 5, he is a angel and she is a pain (some of the time) if she gets frustrated with me or anything she turns round and takes it out on ds, yesterday she punched him because I told her to tidy up. I live in hope that this a stage she's going through, I have been up the school and asked if anything is troubling her but they say she is wonderful, hard working and bright. The moment (like you) she walks out of the school gates she starts. She too thinks I prefer ds to her. I don't know what the answer is, but had to share with you that you are not alone.

I hope it improves for you soon

Marthamoo - what an honest and heart-rending post. I do feel like this from time to time with ds1, in phases.

It feels better on occasions, like today, when I catch him being particularly good ... He very patiently (and unprompted) explained a pack of cards to ds2, and then taught him to play Pontoon.

But in general I do think we have very little in common, and we are drifting apart. Maybe it's partly a mother-son thing?

Coddy
My heart rate shot up when I read your story, and imagined myself in the same position (which with my ds1 is quite easily imagined). Our Head can be quite scary at times, and I would hate to face her in such circumstances; I'd be so ashamed. Crikey, how are you feeling about it? You sound remarkably laid-back.

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How old is he Coddy? How come he was throwing stones at all? (Or is that a silly question?)

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Breaking a window is somehow the stuff of nightmares, isn't it? Because it's so dramatic ... and expensive! But it's actually no worse than a whole load of other things. (Dh can vividly remember being hauled over the coals by his mum for being responsible for a broken window ... his younger brother threw a brick at him and he ducked!)

I'd be more concerned about the other stuff you mention. Has he suddenly changed? At home too, or not?

Do you think he could be stressed about SATs?

Hope the 'on report' works well for you. We actually suggested it for ds2 at the beg of Jan, (though the teacher thought it was her idea ) and the determined focus on positive praise actually worked well for him/her/us.

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Working with others is difficult though isn't it? It does depend on personalities (dh and I can't do it!)

At school they've recently started being in pairs for virtually all classes; I'm not sure about it. Ds1 needs to learn to work with other people, it's probably the most important thing he needs to learn atm, and he is making progress on it. But I'm not sure that pairing for general class work is actually going to help him. As far as I can tell what happens is he does his work, then - at best - he explains to his partner how to do it if they're stuck, or alternatively they just copy what he's done.