should i write my brother a letter?

[maisystar]

4 months ago my brother's best friend/soul mate/girlfriend to be, was killed in a car crash. she was 21, he is 22. apart from immediate family there is no-one who could be more important to him than her. he has coped amazingly well and has great support from his friends(who were also friends of hers).

i want to tell him how proud i am of him, that he can talk to me whenever he wants, that i know how important R was to him and how much he loved her, just to show how nuch i care for him i suppose.

the problem is that i am incapable of talking about her without getting (incoherently) upset. we also have a really jokey, mickey taking relationship so i'm not sure how to approach talking to him about it anyway.

i was thinking of writing him a letter but don't want to upset him or put my foot in it!

Absolutely .... and I am sure that he will probably pick up the phone as soon as he gets your letter.
What a lucky bloke he is to have such a caring sister.

Just out of interest ... why would it be so has to call him .... He is unlikely to be feeling jokey when you call - but might appreciate just hearing your voice ?
Just a thought

I think that sounds like a good idea and I should think DB will appreciate it. Do you have a 3rd party who could read through your final draft and point out any potential foot insertions for you ?

I think it would be fine to write a letter. He may be bottling his feelings up and by receiving a letter from you, he will know that if he needs to talk to you about it he can. It might be worth mentioning that you are deeply upset by what happened so that is why you are writing rather than speaking to him at the moment.

There are some nice cards available too that say a lot. maybe you ould think of getting him one of those too?

I think you should write. A few years ago a friend of ours lost her dad in a car crash shortly before her birthday and Christmas. My dh wrote her a beautiful poem almost straightaway, and we knew it would make her cry, so we gave it to her in an envelope and told her she might not be ready for it yet. Obviously, she opened it as soon as we gave it to her. She framed the poem and puts it out with a photo of her dad during Advent each year.
I'm not suggesting you have to compose anything frame-able! But it seems that this means a lot to you, so I'm sure it'll mean a lot to him as well.

i sent him a card straight away, and have seen him a few times since and we have talked about her, sort of 'remember when...' and when he has met up with her family he has told me about that, her brother was driving the car so we have spoken about him. so we have spoken iyswim but i just want him to know how proud i am and the other stuff i said in the first post.

i would love to talk to him and say all this but literally can't get the words out cos of crying which probably isn't that helpful.

It seems like you really want to tell him how you feel, so you either need to decide that it's all right to cry, or write it down. I don't think you need to worry about how he'll take it, you just need to be able to do it.

I would do it. I have the same kind of relationship with my brothers but there have been times when I have been 'serious' with them and by email/letter is the easiest. They have never responded negatively and I think that although we find it hard to talk intimately, it makes a difference having said something.

I also think that if anything happened to THEM I'd be gutted if I hadn't let them know how I felt.

I think the letter is a great idea, I know exactly what you mean about not being able to say it without getting upset. At least a letter will let him re4ad it when he's ready and he'll know that you really care.

writing a letter is a brilliant idea.......you avoid getting upset telling him how you feel and i think best of all you can take your time, re-write as many times as necessary so you can make sure you say everything you want to say to him.

it will be something he will probably cherish and bring out and reread if he ever feels he needs a bit of support.

this has brought tears to my eyes.......being on the edge of someones suffering is so hard......