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Original poster

how do you balance full time job + housework + toddler???

87 replies

Nickinha · 16/02/2005 14:04

Has anyone got good advice on how to hold down a full time job, cook supper, do the washing, keep the house clean and entertain a clingy todler?? My house just always seems to be disgusting!

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Original poster
Nickinha · 16/02/2005 15:59

My dh stayed at home with dd on a few occasions where I had to work on a public holiday - when I got home, the house looked as if a tornado had hit it, he was pulling out his hair - no dinner was cooked and my phone had not stopped ringing with his "when you coming home?"... LOL, so i believe he appreciates me - he is just still in the closet as far as showing it goes... (grin)

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motherinferior · 16/02/2005 16:03

I know he's Portuguese, but that doesn't mean he can't pick up a hoover. Whether or not he 'believes' in housework, it's still there.

Sorry, I live on Caligula's planet. With a man. Our house isn't exactly perfect - and we do pay a cleaner - but no way is it my responsibility either.

Caligula · 16/02/2005 16:03

But does your DH feel bad about not bringing in all the money?

The think is Nickinha, that you can "learn to cope" as you put it, for a bit, but what happens when you've got more children, a bigger house, the house gets messier, etc.?

There are countless threads on Mumsnet where years of being treated as a skivvy and having coped with that role, have taken the love and romance and respect out of a relationship, and you get women coming on here ranting about how they hate their DH and how he takes them for granted. If you're happy doing it, then fine, but I suspect there will come a point when you're too tired to be happy about it.

It is not possible to hold down a full time job, have a toddler and do all the housework yourself. Quite simply, you need sleep time too. And apart from sleep time, you need leisure time, and romance time, and time to spend as a couple, enjoying each other's company. If you're his servant, you won't want to be his lover. You can be both for a while, but not for too long.

And why isn't he bringing in all the money, if he doesn't do any housework?

WideWebWitch · 16/02/2005 16:05

I'm on the same planet as you Caligula. Dp and I share the work (shopping, cooking, cleaning) pretty much 50/50 regardless of who's working outside the home/who's the sahp. I don't see why you should do it all either. I don't see why anyone would really. It's not fair and not on imo.

motherinferior · 16/02/2005 16:05

I think you should buy him a cookbook. A good, basic cookbook by someone like Nigel Slater (who was responsible for getting my partner doing proper cooking, btw). Then he'll have no excuse.

Uwila · 16/02/2005 16:05

I have skimmed this rather than reading it. I have been where you are now -- only I never made it to the housework. My Dh would leave on Sun return on Friday and say, "it's a bloody tip. What do you do all week?". I was up by 6:00 everyday to get me ready for work and DD ready for childminder, drive her to childminder and me to work, then pick her up and make it back home by about 7:30 or 8:00. Bloody exhausted I was. Did this 5 days a week. Then, guess who got to look after on the weekend whist DH read his maazines.... This lasted until DD was 14 moths old, and I informed DH we were moving to a bigger house in order to have a room for the live-in nanny we were about to employ. He resisted the idea for about 30 seconds until he saw I had really had it and could take it no more.

We now have a live in nanny and I am sooooo much happier. When I come home, she has already cleaned the kitchen, put away DD's toys, DD has been fed and is in her pyjamas.

So now when I get home at 7:00 I have one hour to see DD before I put her to bed at 8:00. One hour doesn't seem like a lot of time, but it so much more than no time at all.

Your DH needs to pull his weight and his job is not an excuse to not do his fair share around the house.

Shall I get down from my soapbox now?????

motherinferior · 16/02/2005 16:05

And any prat can put washing in the washing machine. I can, FFS.

motherinferior · 16/02/2005 16:08

Honestly, I think you need to say, 'I can't do this'. Don't feel guilty. You shoudn't have to do it all.

You need some time with your child too! Toddlers are fun!

serenequeen · 16/02/2005 16:08

caligula, i completely agree. i get fed up to the back teeth with people telling me how "lucky" i am or how "good" dh is just because he simply pulls his weight in the house and with the kids. why on earth shouldn't he? no one gives me a pat on the back for working in a "man's" world.

agree with everyone - it is not possible to do all this in the long term - something will have to give. either you get a cleaner, drop your hours at work, get your dh to pull his weight more, live on ready meals, stop ironing, let the house go to pot - or you have a nervous breakdown and end up loathing your dh.

this is probably no help right now - but it's true, sorry.

Original poster
Nickinha · 16/02/2005 16:11

You guys are all right on the target... but caligula, did I mention we have a huge 3 bedroom house, and I have two step daughters (13 + 16yrs) too - so I dont think we sill be moving to a bigger place or having more kids... if that was the case I would have asked for more help from him. He does bring in 3 times more than I earn, but the money all goes into doing up our house (new bathroom coming soon) so I really cant moan about him not bringing in money

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Caligula · 16/02/2005 16:12

But I also think it's about respect. Why would you want the person you love to be your butler or your maid? How can you love someone you treat as a servant? How can you watch someone you love get ground down by exhaustion? I just can't even begin to get my head around it.

Original poster
Nickinha · 16/02/2005 16:12

Ând NO the kids dont help - they try bless them, but only do half a job so I end up doing it all myself anyway....

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Original poster
Nickinha · 16/02/2005 16:13

Men dont see us as there slaves, they see us as doing our duty

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Uwila · 16/02/2005 16:13

BTW, it has been a very long and painful process (Still is) but my DH has improved. More work to be done, but he is so much better than he was. I have had to drill into him repeatedly that his desire to have a career does not override mine to do the same.

I think you should just go on strike.

When do you see your child? As a general rule, I don't put housework before time with my kid. I work full time, and that;s enough. 7:00 - 8:00 are for my kid because when push comes to shove, she is simply more important.

Uwila · 16/02/2005 16:15

kids? OMG, there's more than one? How many kids do you have? And why would they help when Dad has shown then that it's your job.

Oh, I'm mad at him on your behalf. Being a man is not an excuse for acting like one!

Uwila · 16/02/2005 16:16

Any man who thinks it is my duty to serve him can be assured that he is one man I will never serve.

Caligula · 16/02/2005 16:16

Nikhina, you're suffering from perfectionism - let them do the job badly and live with it. Flylady will tell you all about how it's OK to be good enough, you don't have to be perfect!

Bozza · 16/02/2005 16:16

AT 13 and 16 - they should be able to manage more than trying IMO. Really think that you need to be organised and delegate. Unfortunately I think it looks like you are in charge but no reason why you can't make your DH, and step-kids responsible for certain tasks.

WideWebWitch · 16/02/2005 16:16

So what if he brings in more money?! Agree with sq and everyone, something has to give, don't let it be your sanity. Wtf makes him think he doesn't have to contribute in any way other than financially? Hey, don't know where you'd find the time but this book, Wifework might interest you. Oh ffs, just noticed Amazon are advertising Mother's Day on this page, nice!

Prettybird · 16/02/2005 16:18

I was about to say the same thing Caligula!

Uwila · 16/02/2005 16:18

Nick, where do you live? Can I come over and whack him for you? I'm visibly pregnant. It will be a winderful blow to his ego to be beaten up by pregnant woman. Oh, and it will be such fun for me...

motherinferior · 16/02/2005 16:19

I think some men think housework is our duty. My partner - a man who is, believe me, very far from perfect - doesn't. He really doesn't.

A penis is not a get-out card when it comes to housework.

elliott · 16/02/2005 16:20

I agree that it is not possible to have a full time job outside the home without either sharing the housework or paying someone else to do it for you (and even then I think you have to have pretty low standards if you actually want to have time with your family) the traditional helpless-male model only 'works' if you are actually available to do the domestic work. I think you have a choice: work on your partner to get a fairer deal between you; get some outside paid help (more important than doing up the house imo); or do less paid work. you cannot do it all, as you are discovering!

Prettybird · 16/02/2005 16:22

... there is a third option....let the house become a disaster zone. And when he asks/complains - tell him you are going to do as much as he does!

elliott · 16/02/2005 16:23

actually pb I think that's inevitable anyway - it is in our house!

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