Household Finance Arguements

[NayhyRo2]

How do folks manage houshold finances to ensure it's fair?

It's a constant arguement in our house.
My husband earns almost double what I do.

I pay for:
Half mortgage
Food
Car insurance
Dog Food and Dog Grooms
After school clubs and holiday clubs
Swimming lessons
Clothing and shoes for our 4 year old including uniform
Days out / Activities
Birthday Gifts
Budget to contribute towards holidays
Savings for Christmas
Then personal things: contact lenses, phone, income protection and a bit of my own savings.

We don't have a joint account and my husband resents me as he thinks he pays for everything. He pays half mortgage, bills and usually the bigger purchases (he earns more) I resent him as he forgets what I pay for as he doesn't see it in the 'bills account' and can sometimes come across like he thinks I don't pay for anything. Can be rude and sometimes demorilising.

We have discussed putting all wages into one account and dividing it from there. Then having some pocket money each.
We have recently moved and our house runs on electric (no gas) so he is concerned about the bill. He has estimated it will be double what we used to pay and says it's unfair for him to pick this bill up alone so this was his idea. But I get so cross when he doesn't see what I pay for.

Thank you

He's financially abusive.
All earnings should go into one account, you are married not flatmates.

@IamNotBeingUnreasonable this is what we are discussing. It's been seperate like this for 8 years. It's so dysfunctional for a marries unit. But i'm not sure whats normal. Perhaps all into one axcount will make it better so we both have visibility of everything. I barely buy myself anything as it is so feel worried that a combined accont will make this worse and i'm personally left with less than I am now when he earns more.

We've always kept money separate but have a joint account for all bills, and pay a proportionate amount in each based on salaries. Means both of us pay a part of all the bills

Our salaries always went into a joint account from which all bills are paid out. We each have an equal amount of ‘spending money’ transferred from this account into our own personal accounts and anything left over at the end of the month goes into our savings accounts.

But this means that someone ends up with less personal money in what should be an equal relationship.

All in one account.
All bills, food, mortgage, child related costs, holidays, car expenses ie anything joint comes out of this account. And then savings, equally into accounts in each name, so he doesn’t end up with all the ISAs in his name
A small amount of personal spends to each person for things like coffee with friends, haircuts, makeup and clothes. And save some of this into your running away fund, as everyone should have the money to just up and leave and stay ina hotel for a week or two.

ypu currently have a very bad deal and it is financially abusive of him not to share family money properly.

I'm sorry - you're paying half the mortgage plus a bunch of other stuff while bringing in a third of the money and your HUSBAND thinks he's hard done by?

What a Scrooge!

Our money is paid into a joint account. From there savings is taken out and put into savings accounts , holiday fund is taken out and put into holiday account, and personal spending is taken out and put into personal current accounts. The rest is for family expenses and all bills. We have our own separate savings accounts too.

Your arrangement is not ‘normal’ and very much puts you at a disadvantage

There seem to be 2 ways for couples to manage the family finances 1) all income into one account with all expenditure coming out of that account and an equal amount of ‘fun money’ for each person or 2) separate accounts but with all expenditures shared on a proportion of income although this allows the higher earner more personal spends which doesn’t feel fair to me as a partnership and especially when you have children.

It’s a bit late in the day to be realising that your financial values don’t align but surely this is something that comes up as you are deciding to commit?

If your husband doesn't see what you pay for then the absolutely obvious solution is to have a joint account and pay all expenses out of it (with some money transferred to own accounts for personal spending). Then he can't help but notice.

Or, if you want to maintain separate accounts, you split every single expense in proportion by salary - which satisfies both his complaint that he doesn't want to pay the whole of the electricity bill, and yours that you think he underestimates what you spend.

Do either of you actually know your whole household spending incidentally?

As you have no idea how much their bills or expenditure is, jumping to "financial abuse" is ridiculous. Many couples agree to have entirely separate finances and covers different bills.

Put all the money in one account. 4 times a year take all the excess and split three ways- joint savings and personal savings.

Or get a joint credit card and put all family purchases on it. You can both see all the spending and understand the finances better. If there’s anything on there that shouldn’t be split 50/50 you can discuss it. Hint- spending on the kids should be split.

You need to make a household budget spreadsheet, then you’ll see how much each of you pay.

You need to decide what's a family spend. I'd suggest all bills, all food, all child related costs and all travel are family expenses. I would also include mobile phone bills and contact lenses in that and Christmas savings.

All of that gets paid from one account. You both put the proportionate amount in. So, if he earns double what you earn, he pays double into that account.

Or, everything in one account. All bills come out. Whatever is left is to be split equally.

Its really not hard. He is making it much harder than it needs to be and you are facilitating it by paying for things under the radar. This is not a criticism, I think he makes it so you have to do this to minimise his moaning. Total transparency about family and household costs is the only way.

I couldn’t live like this. Dh works and I don’t, I get some disability benefits etc. We put all our income into one account and all bills come out of this. We then give ourselves a set an equal amount of spending money for our own personal spends.

I disagree with all money "should" be in one account. Me and dh have separate accounts, always have had. He paid the mortgage, and some of the utilities. I pay the council tax and broadband. Shopping is paid for by whoever goes to the supermarket. It works for us, it's not formal. No one keeps count, and there's no resentment from either side. Holidays, and other big purchases are paid for by him because he earns more. I like having my own money. Doesn't mean we're not a team. We most definitely are and have been for 34 years.

You need to present him with data. Without it you're immediately on the back foot. Get a money management app or set up a spreadsheet or notebook and record every purchase/bill etc you pay, detail against each transaction exactly what you've bought. It might feel like a chore, and why the hell should you, but you need to know where your money's going yourself anyway and without it you'll just keep going round in circles.

I think you need clear budgets and absolite clarity about what each individual's propprtion of expenditure is compared to their income. If you aren't paying the same proportion, there needs to be an adjistment.

I'm not sure, however, that this is a financial.problem rather than an arse problem.

FWIW we have never had a joint account and there have been times when I haven't known what DH is earning and vice versa. We both have individual savings and investments and don't disclose everything but nothing's a secret either and he had a lost of my accounts/holdings and passwords and I have details of his, just in case.

When DS was born I became a SAHM. DH paid everything and I bought: our food, haircuts, dentist, incidentals, children's clothes, gifts, cards, etc. At the end of the month I gave DH an account and all the receipts and he wrote me a cheque. I had enough of my own money for things like contact lenses/make-up etc, but he'd have paid if I'd asked. When I went back to work, for peanuts initially, I gradually took on the children's clothes, clubs, etc.

We have never had an argument about money, partly because there's always been enough but mostly because we have similar, Micawberish attitudes to money.

@Holymolyrigmorole when we were first together, he owned a house, I didn't. When we married and bought a house together he just still continued with his account and the bills as it was all set up. This is where I errored. I have always paid half the mortgage. But as I earnt less I didn't pay for bills but paid for shopping. Since then, having a child, getting a dog etc i've taken more on as my salary has increased. It's just been left that way. My husband has a bee in his bonnet about 'his money' as an ex once wiped his account. But I am not her!!

@ThroughTheRedDoor
I agree, as I have no idea about the bills account as there is no visibility to me. Because he says 'he pays for everything' it's like a guilt thing and so I try to pay for me sometimes more than I can actually afford.

@MovingSwiftlyOn
I have a spreadsheet with what I pay for so that I can budget.
He has one for the 'bills' (the ones he sees)
The spreadsheets are not combined at all.
In the past when there has been arguements I have presentes him with my spreadsheet but he doesn't care to look or speak nicely about it with me. This makes me feel awful that just because it isn't in the 'bills account' it isn't considered as contributing. I can feel lack of self worth sometimes. He will pay to maintain the car, larger purchases, household repairs but he has the disposable cash to do so. Im any arguement money and what he pays for his always thrown at me and im so tired of it.

We’ve always had our own accounts but then paid into a bills account, which covers everything. Over the years each of us has paid more or less into the bills account, according to our individual incomes. After paying into the bills account, we’ve always made sure each of us has the same spending money left over.

Surely when you are married this is fair? We never argued about money.

@buymeaboaanddrivemetoreno
We have one spreadsheet each. Not combined but in the past when I have presented mine he doesn't care to look. It feels like what I do isn't as important as what he pays for. He has no filter, no empathy and is vey much opinionated and doesn't like to listen to others if it doesn't match his view.

Does he have any redeeming features, as actually he sounds like a prick.

One team, one pot…everything goes in/out of same account. We chat about any individual spends over £50.