Household Finance Arguements

[NayhyRo2]

How do folks manage houshold finances to ensure it's fair?

It's a constant arguement in our house.
My husband earns almost double what I do.

I pay for:
Half mortgage
Food
Car insurance
Dog Food and Dog Grooms
After school clubs and holiday clubs
Swimming lessons
Clothing and shoes for our 4 year old including uniform
Days out / Activities
Birthday Gifts
Budget to contribute towards holidays
Savings for Christmas
Then personal things: contact lenses, phone, income protection and a bit of my own savings.

We don't have a joint account and my husband resents me as he thinks he pays for everything. He pays half mortgage, bills and usually the bigger purchases (he earns more) I resent him as he forgets what I pay for as he doesn't see it in the 'bills account' and can sometimes come across like he thinks I don't pay for anything. Can be rude and sometimes demorilising.

We have discussed putting all wages into one account and dividing it from there. Then having some pocket money each.
We have recently moved and our house runs on electric (no gas) so he is concerned about the bill. He has estimated it will be double what we used to pay and says it's unfair for him to pick this bill up alone so this was his idea. But I get so cross when he doesn't see what I pay for.

Thank you

"Reasonable" depends on how much money you have, and how much it needs to cover.

We have £250 a month, but we are both reasonably frugal, and prioritise "joint savings" ahead of extra "pocket money". If you have expensive car, phone, gym etc costs, then £250 might not be enough.

If being aware of direct debits from my personal account counts as "keeping track", then yeah, guilty as charged.
Still works for us though😘😘

Totally unreasonable. You are married. You are a family. You should be sharing your resources together Our money. Not his and hers.

People keep discussing the logistics of what money goes where but the real problem I'm seeing here is that the two of you aren't working as a team when it comes to finances.

Paying the mortgage and the bills is the necessary, boring part of money. It doesn't sound like you're completely skint so the fun bit of your earnings comes from the money that is left after paying the bills. Are you talking about your short and long term financial plans? Do you want to save up over the next year for a nice holiday or do you want to do work on the house? Do you want to keep working until state pension age or would you like to retire early?

There's a budgeting tool called You Need a Budget (YNAB) which is great for household budgeting and you might decide that the (paid) software works for you. But they also have a lot of free resources around the practical and emotional aspects of running household finances on their website (ynab.com) and also their YouTube channel. I think their Budget Nerds podcast might be interesting to you (https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLq0_N-XTl2yAFuHf8vJFgw6WWkruuM5wz) because both Ben and Ernie are married with children and talk a lot about how they organise finances in their marriages. They aren't in the UK so the actual things they are spending money on will differ but it's more things like having a monthly budget date night where they do their budget for the next month and decide where to prioritise their money for the whole family.

In your shoes I would continue to try and get your husband on board and improve your financial relationship but, if he continues to refuse to engage, I would be considering separation because this shit will wear you down.

Why isn't he doing half the school runs or extra hours in the evenings?

Who spends more time working? Who spends more time cooking, cleaning, laundry and looking after your child?

As for how much is reasonable for spending money, that entirely depends on how much disposable income you have after all household/shared costs are covered. For some people it will be a few pounds a month if they're lucky. Others could have thousands.

If you don't think you have enough personal money, you might need to reduce household costs, but that needs to be by agreement, eg if you want to buy lunch at work, you might have to accept having a cheaper family holiday, spending less at Christmas, or having a cheaper mobile phone. But the point is spare money should be split 50/50 between you and DH.

But why do you do all the school runs etc? I'm a full time working mum, and my husband is a full time working dad, we both do school drop offs/pick ups etc, I probably do slightly more but certainly not all of them. I also earn double what my husband earns as I go for promotions and increase my salary and he has no motivation and is happy to stick at what he earns. Every time I get a promotion I put more into the joint account so he gets a bit back, so benefits but no way would I be giving up more of my promotion so he can have equal spending money when he doesn't do anything to increase his money

@Youcancallmeirrelevant
Because my husband doesn't have that flexibilty with work like I do. His hours are strict as it's MOD. He is not allowed to be logged in to secure sites he needs after 6pm. He has set hours and unable to build time in lieu like I can.
He walks the dog at 6am and starts work at 6.30am. I am up computer on getting a start on the work day to keep a float. I then prepare to make the day easier ie: prep food for the evening. I get my daughter ready for school and do the school drop. My husband does one school club pick up. It's my choice not to do more clubs so I dip out to collect her. Then someone walks dog while other gets tea on the table.

@Bjorkdidit
I've explained on another post how our timings/hours and school runs work and how my husband doesn't have flexibility to work extra hours like I do.
We both share cooking, I do laundry, he will help iron (whoever gets to it) I am the default childcare most of the time.

Agree and this is why the discussion has to be individual for each couple. For us, car and phone are really essential utilities these days so are joint expenses, but I pay for my gym membership out of my pocket money.

Odd that that is the complete opposite to my experience and everyone I have ever worked with in the civil service, it's a very family friendly employer that offers Flexi time and minimal core hours, you can't earn extra for extra hours, but gives you extra hours to take back when you need

For things like phone, it again needs you both to agree. Having a phone might be a necessity, but there is a difference between spending £10 a month on a SIM only phone, and having the latest iPhone.

We do an 'essential' budget which includes all bills, food, clothing, kids activities (we count these as essential hah!), household maintenance, and we pay into a joint account proportionally to our take home pay to cover all of these. Extras such as holidays and days out I pay for as the higher earner. I also recently paid for a house renovation project. I think we end up with similar savings (him possibly more because he is more frugal). I don't agree it has to be equal personal funds unless e.g., both parents have agreed that one stays home and looks after the kids or works part time to look after the kids. I think you need to start off by making a full budget to see what % each of you actually does contribute and go from there.

Yes, absolutely and if I decided I wanted a fancy phone costing a grand, that would be for me to cough up the resources.

As a number of PP have said, it's about being on the same team financially, having shared goals and agreeing how to achieve them.

If you can't agree who pays what a joint account is the way to go, we used to pay into the joint account pro-rata what we earned enough to cover all the household bills. The rest we each kept to pay for personal things, presents and for our individual savings.

When money got to be less of a problem we reverted to each paying some bills and dumping the joint account as it was simpler that way.

Sounds very confusing and unfair. We have a joint account which we contribute to relative to our take home pay. We have a list of all expenses which come from the joint account thst includes all household expenses; childcare; anything for our daughter; some savings. We keep this list updated to make sure the amount we put in the account is enough. Then the remaining money is ours to do as we like.