Household Finance Arguements

[NayhyRo2]

How do folks manage houshold finances to ensure it's fair?

It's a constant arguement in our house.
My husband earns almost double what I do.

I pay for:
Half mortgage
Food
Car insurance
Dog Food and Dog Grooms
After school clubs and holiday clubs
Swimming lessons
Clothing and shoes for our 4 year old including uniform
Days out / Activities
Birthday Gifts
Budget to contribute towards holidays
Savings for Christmas
Then personal things: contact lenses, phone, income protection and a bit of my own savings.

We don't have a joint account and my husband resents me as he thinks he pays for everything. He pays half mortgage, bills and usually the bigger purchases (he earns more) I resent him as he forgets what I pay for as he doesn't see it in the 'bills account' and can sometimes come across like he thinks I don't pay for anything. Can be rude and sometimes demorilising.

We have discussed putting all wages into one account and dividing it from there. Then having some pocket money each.
We have recently moved and our house runs on electric (no gas) so he is concerned about the bill. He has estimated it will be double what we used to pay and says it's unfair for him to pick this bill up alone so this was his idea. But I get so cross when he doesn't see what I pay for.

Thank you

@Pepperedpickles
My husband in the past is of the attitude that he earns more so should have more personal money.
Since he has finally come around since our house move to combine everything into one account for family/house expenses and we each get 'pocket money' I hope his idea isn't to give himself more.

@ThroughTheRedDoor
That's interesting your suggestion about phones and contact lenses. My husband also pays for things like his chiropractor but doesn't have lenses. But both essential. So that's something to consider. It's how far do you go. I guess everything should be as one and your pocket money is as someone here said 'coffee with friends, a hair cut, clothes or whatever is personal to you to do as you wish'. BUT anything household / child is from the joint finance pot.

Joint account for everything sounds great in theory and great if you end up married and happy until the day you die but other than that if you can find a way not to dj a joint account for anything other than bills I’d recommend it.

ps while he sounds awful I’d disagree with it being financial abuse, he obviously worried about money and is an asshole about money, I think that’s different

This is the fairest way to go. This way you both have some personal money you can do as you please with.

It’s the mumsnet way though. Jump to calling someone abusive with no facts (in this case we have no idea who pays what £, what the total is, who is left with what)

I think you need to sit down together with all bank statements and look through all together. This way you can both see all the things that need to be paid. It sounds like your DH does not fully realise all you pay out relating to your DC. You could calculate how much everything will cost then open 2 joint accounts. One for everyday bills and one for saving for things like Xmas and holidays. Then both pay in to cover all outgoings, not just bills, from joint account in proportion to earnings. Buy San Pro, shaving things and basic toiletries with food shopping out of joint account. Any childcare, kids clothing or kids clubs put of joint account. Maybe put child benefit into savings account for Xmas, birthday gifts/party and holidays. You would both need to add to savings account in proportion to earnings. What you have left is for personal spends like contact lenses, haircuts, make up, personal clothing, coffees out etc.

I earn triple what my husband does

In the past we have earned similar

Always since buying house/marriage everything is in a joint account
All bills go out, all personal spends visible

Your husband sounds selfish, mean and controlling 😢

DH and I have never had joint accounts at all. We’ve been together 20 years and have both earned between zero and significant 6 figures over that period. In that time I can’t recall a single argument about money.

If you have a strong and respectful relationship there really is no need to pool money.

Never had separate accounts from the day we got married

Married 38 years, with a joint account from day 1 from which we take an agreed amount of pocket money each month. Joint account pays for all household bills, holidays we do together, anything medical (dentist, glasses and prescriptions), stuff for the kids. Pocket money account is for personal spend, solo holidays and the (ahem) occasional speeding fine.

For most of this time I have been either the major or only wage earner (DH gave up work to be SAHD). The pocket money amount has varied a lot depending on our general financial position. In the early days when we were really, really, really skint it was a tiny amount of money, but meant each of us could have small treats from time to time without generating an argument.

We couldn't have done it any other way, but that doesn't mean it is what all couples should do. You have a trust, respect and communication problem, not a money problem.

I was the stable earner and paid mortgage, child minders for 2 dcs and bills from my own salary by direct debits monthly. I have always had zero tolerance for debt.
(Ex)dh was hopeless at money management and his income fluctuated. He covered cars and the cars insurances and extras like holidays (nothing fancy).
We often bickered about money, in the great scheme of things he earned probably double my inc.
In the end I opened a bank account in both our names and we each deposited an equal amount monthly and it covered all outgoings. It was known as a budget account back in the day. (90s). I organised a remortgage as he'd taken control initially and found one for 5% rather than the original 15% as soon as I spotted we were massively overpaying. This saved us about £350 a month for example. (Slightly off thread).
Anyway I was quids in and would recommend it.
Take control @NayhyRo2 .

Thanks everyone for your suggestions and sharing.
I know it all depends on personal circumstances but how much are some of you who allocate personal spending money each have per month? What is a reasonable amount?

After outgoings and saving some, we halve whatever is left over. Some months it’s not been anything other months a bit each.

As I said in my earlier post it has varied enormously over the years depending on the state of the family finances. When we were scraping every penny together nearly 40 years ago it was literally £5 a month, enough to buy a book or a mascara in those days without asking permission. We are quite comfortably off now, and it is some hundreds of pounds each month.

But saying the number won't help you figure out what is right for you and your DH. Only the two of you can do that together.

I disagree, both people can increase their salary if they want to, and deserve to see the benefit of that increase in more money in their pocket. I'm not here to fully subsidise my husband, I expect him to also be motivated to progress at work

These comments always make me grateful that in 17 years finances have never ever been an issue or sore spot in my marriage.
From we were engaged and saving for our first home we always viewed money goals as joint, and the only way to do that was for money or be joint. Even when we largely used our own accounts in the early years the way we viewed it was never as an individual.
Now well settled in a marriage everything comes out of the joint account and we both get £X in our own accounts for frivolous spending. That amount might get reassessed if we get a pay rise or we have big financial goals for the year and it goes down.
Regardless of who earns what out disposable money for little treats is the same.

This I pay, you pay never works.

34 years together
No joint account
Never an argument about money.
Works for us perfectly well actually.

You married an unpleasant miser by the sounds of it. Best of luck 🍀 🤞

Well given pretty much all the bills get paid from your husbands account it’s not really the same set up the op is discussing, is it? It’s not really that different from it being paid from a joint account, you just don’t have access to it.

You’ve also not listed children’s expenses so if you don’t have those I don’t think it’s comparable to the OP.

All the “joint account forever” people have obviously never had the pain of going through a separation/divorce without full control of your personal finances. It might feel very fair and equal now, but if you split or have an argument, either partner can clear out the accounts.

We have a joint bank account where an agreed amount is calculated, joint savings account that has an amount put in every month and then our own personal/savings accounts as we see fit.

@NayhyRo2 you say he doesn’t care to look at your spreadsheet. He doesn’t get that choice. Put together a budget for the entire household and split it according to how much you earn. Have a joint account that money goes in to for those things and whatever is left is what each person has to play with. This is the only truly fair way to deal with it, whilst protecting yourself in the event of a split. If he isn’t prepared to do that, then tell him you aren’t prepared to stay in the relationship. This is a deal breaker.

It should be an ongoing discussion. Start with an amount then after a few months come back together and talk about it. Dh and I had an official yearly "meeting" about all the finances. A look back at what we spent, never any negative comments more along the lines of our goal for next year is to spend less on that. Things like house renovations or car purchases are all discussed with a timeline. We have always had a very open discussion about money.

A joint account with salaries being paid in means complete financial transparency, no secret pay rises or bonuses going under the radar. Then transfer out money to your own accounts automatically and we also did money into a savings account which covered yearly things like house insurance, car servicing, plus holidays.

You also need to agree on what is personal spending out of your own account, so haircuts, clothes or whatever. Petrol should come out of the joint account in my opinion. Anything for the children comes out of the joint account.

As you both love a spreadsheet, as do we, set one up and talk through the spending.

With my ex we had separate finances and paid a proportion of our salary into a joint account set up exclusively for bills. He had a lot more personal money than me as his salary was higher. Also, I typically took the kids out and that came out of my personal money. Still, it sort of worked. With my now husband, both our salaries go into one account where all our bills are paid from. We pay ourselves pocket money each month and if, let's say, one of us spends £200 pocket money one month and the other £300, both gets £300 to play with the next month. That way it's always fair and it means we both accommodate our different styles (I'm a saver who can spend nothing for months and then want to buy something expensive so can build up my pocket money whereas he fritters his money here and there). We have everything tracked on a spreadsheet and do a monthly budget review together on the 1st of each month. It's not perfect and he spends more than me generally (on work lunches etc, which we class as "bills") but neither of us feel resentful as on the whole it's pretty even.

Where did you get that from? He paid the mortgage and some of the utilities. I pay the council tax, broadband, water and TV license. When our dc were little, we split the expenses. I was posting in response to those saying everything the only way to go was for all money to go into a joint account.Maybe read properly before you post?

@Youcancallmeirrelevant
I haven't felt to disagree with much on this thread and taking everyones thoughts onboard. But i'm not sure I agree with 'you can both increase salaries if you want to'. I'm a full time working mum doing all school runs and work extra hours every week night in the evenings to build time off in lieu for holiday childcare (we have no village - just a few friends to do childcare swaps with). So whilst, yes I could work towards a better paid job (my job is already a good wage) I feel I am alreay worked to the bone! So I don't feel I should be left worse off 'because I could get a better job'.

Commenters like you see exhausting. I replied to you referencing your own post here you stated you paid for 2 bills and your DH paid the rest. Now you’re claiming I can’t read because you’ve changed your mind and actually have a whole list of things you know you vs him pays for, even though you also claim you don’t keep track. Sounds like you very much do though.