what single piece of advice do you wish you'd known before becoming a mum?

[AnyasMum07]

Am just writing an email to a friend who's due in a couple of weeks. What single piece of advice would you give her?

Ignore the well meaning comments from parents/ILs/HV/old ladies on buses... Basically everyone who thinks that they can give you advice, unless of course you agree with it.

Use baby's nap time to rest, have a cuppa, put your feet up

I wish I had known about MN back then

Get some arnica for the swelling/ bruising
Sleep as much as possible between now and labour/ birth.
Stay in hospital as long as she can so that visitors are restricted.
Do not put thongs in your hospital bag, cheap big, unsexy pants is the way forward. You can't have too many maternity pads.
Wear dark clothes/ underwear for the first week at least.

If you can get someone to come in on a regular basis to help you with baby ie hold the baby for a couple of hours whilst you get some rest.

Hormones do funny things to you.

Only resume your sex life when YOU feel ready - even if this takes weeks/months/years.

The night sweats can go on for months, so have plenty of bed linen.

It's ok not to breastfeed or switch to FF if that makes you happy - happy mum = happy baby.

Whatever you do will probably be wrong. It probably doesn't matter.

I buy them Rachel Cusk's book on Becoming a Mother, a life's work. It tells it how it is.

I would tell them going back to work full time at 2 weeks and still breastfeed works great and ensures you have the best of both worlds and don't listen to anyone counselling you not to get back to work.

Secondly don't take advice. Avoid other new mothers. Do things your and your partner's way, if you have a partner.

Make sure things are 50/50 in the first weeks so that just because he's male doesn't mean he's less likely to change a nappy. Ensure his competence and never assert your own superiority in terms of dealing with the child over the man. Make it clear from day 1 this is his child.

Looking after a baby is a job. You don't always like every aspect of your job - some bits you just have to get on with.

Babies are little animals. They behave completely instinctively to ensure their survival - it's not personal!

Ignore advice to go back to work - your baby will never be tiny again and work will still be there when they are 3. Or 4. Or 12.

dont get involved in SAHM/working mum discussion EVER. too toxic.do what you want

1. Trust yourself and your feelings they are usually spot on, your instincts are wonderful and they will get you through your first few months.
2. Don't listen to advice!!

that it's what you wanted and dreamed of, and that, no, it's not what you thought it'd be like...

i do think that taking things as they come and remembering that God (and babies) laugh at those who make plans is the way to go in those early months. if you're out of your jimjams by dinner time, give yourself a pat on the back.

second iliketomoveit, molliesawally and georgiemama.

plus what is on hunker's blog re breastfeeding. if your newborn seems to want another feed after he has just fed, it isn't just the milk, it's all of it. (the smell, the warmth, the security....)

oh, and breastfeeding can hurt at the beginning. worth it, but it might hurt.

Just to counteract Xenia, never listen to anyone who tries to convince you that not working for at least the first six months will damage your self esteem or career prospects, if it feels right go back, if it doesn't don't. I don't know many women that regret this either way, the ones that SAH love it and think they're doing the best, the ones that go back love it and think they're doing the best.
Tut tut Xenia, you didn't need that advice that's what you did.
Scottish Mummy... I hope I haven't ignored your advice...... I just couldn't resist a little balance, I promise no further comment!!

Do your pelvic floor exercises.

that baby guru's are in fact self-appointed over inflated ego's best ignored.

no books trust your instinct

i bought the Guru book when a collegue raved. OMG after days i was in tears, could not stick to the programme. twas like baby boot camp

happily i threw it away and happy chaos ensued

I'll second no books....none thet give you sodding routines.

That newborn babies very often don't stop crying even if you've fed, winded, changed, rocked and patted them. Sometimes they just need to be held all the time. And it is perfectly possible to sleep propped upright on lots of pillows with a newborn on your chest.

lower your expectations

Your instinct is usually right.

This too will pass.

And if - IF - your child has no SN, one day your child will tell you a joke and write you a 'brrfday card' (DD2 did this for me today). Which makes up for a lot.

breast-feeding is an art, not a science. Sometimes you just have to ignore the "rules" and have to feel your way.

No-one can tell you how to parent your child. They can tell you how to avoid harming them unintentionally - I am not saying ignore all advice - but they can't tell you how to love them, interact with them, play with them, rock them etc etc. And any book that suggests otherwise should be burnt at a crossroads at midnight!

And I agree with "this too will pass". So true - even if it's hard to believe at the time. It's a mantra that's worth repeating every day - for good stuff as well as bad. So when they do something particularly cheeky and naughty and adorable, remember to laugh as well as scold, because they won't always be 2 and think that poo-painting is funny. And that's a sad thing as well as a good thing!

If you've tried everything else and they are still crying then they need sleep. Tired babies look very enthusiastic about crying and dont look tired at all and the more tired they are they less sleepy they look - they shout even louder.

Buy her 'What Mothers Do; even when it looks like nothing by Naomi Stadlen' which I read when my ds was 4 weeks old and had been forcing myself to clean the house, and have everyone round for tea and cake-it made me realise that my baby was what mattered and how I found my way through this all with him would make us happy, and that I didn't have to clean or cook to prove I was doing something worthwhile, I was being worthwhile by being a mother to my son. It is a lovely book which just records different people's experiences with no judgement, or sense of one way being right. I loved it and have bought it for lots of people who have all also loved it!

There is no 'right' or 'wrong' way to mother. There are lots of different ways of going about it and you have to find your own way to survive.

Don't be bullied by mothers (or others)-in-law who think they know best. You know what's best for your baby, no matter how many sprogs she's reared.

Take time to enjoy the amazing moments. They might be few and far between, but remembering them will keep you going when everything feels as if it's falling apart.

Hire the nanny before you give birth so there is no delay in finding someone which stops you going back to work when you choose.

Ensure the man is as involved in child care decisions, hunting for someone, interviewing as you are to ensure there is no sexism in the marriage.

In general the time of having a baby is when sexistm appears so ensuring it never starts and just because someone has a penis doesn't preclude them for holding a baby over their shoulder for 2 hours between 10om and mid night when they didn't sleep the night before.

Eat well and regularly. Have sex as soon as you want it but don't wait too long as you get out of the habit.

Ration visitors just after the birth. Or if they insist say yes come round but I need someone to come round and do the washing or prepare some meals. I don't need someone to come round and hold the baby. Let your parnter be the tlephone and door bell gatekeeper in the early days at home and feel free to specify only visitors between 2 and 4pm.