Horrible inlaw comments

[MumOf2Here]

sorry abit of a long one. Guess i’m just looking for some advice and to offload a little.

My husband and I met in 2010 and got married in 2013.
He is a good looking man and I do always joke that he is the good looking one from the two of us. He does get attention when we are out here and there. He isn’t into his looks or vanity as such but does take care of himself.
I am generally quite insecure and always have been about myself and my looks. I wouldn’t say i am conventionally pretty but i wouldn’t call myself “ugly” either. My husband tells me that I don’t realise how pretty I am and I should love myself more - and some have said my height and figure is to die for (5’7) but i hate when people say things like that because I hate compliments and i often don’t believe it anyway.

My husbands mother has never really liked me, and was not one bit happy when he revealed he was going to propose.
Her reasons were that i do not have a degree ( i have a brilliant well paid job which I love ) and that I am not pretty enough for him and that she has “ many other potentials “ he could have married who were much prettier.
They are quite well off and very materialistic. Even after we were married she would make comments to me about how she wanted to introduce him to so and so family friend because she felt they were better suited. As if it wasn’t bad enough his mother making comments, his sisters and family members started with it too.
They would invite these “potentials” for dinnner whilst we were there and expecting me to just sit through dinner happily.
After all of these years im still hearing how he could have done better and honestly i just hate myself even more.
I wish i had thick skin to get over it or speak up, or I wish i loved myself enough to ignore it and have some self respect - sadly i dont feel i do.

My husband isn’t an affectionate person as such, but does try to reassure me as much as he can but i feel it isnt enough. i feel like i need constant reassurance that he loves me and wants to be with me me or finds me a attractive etc. He finds it ridiculous that he constantly needs to profess his love and loyalty to me because im feeling insecure. I feel like he could definitely do more but he often avoids talking to his family because of the fallout that would happen soon after.
It makes me paranoid when he is out or on a weekend away with his friends and his mother will often say things i hope he finds the one this time. I confronted her and said you want your son to cheat on his wife? she laughed and said dont be ridiculous and left the room.

Honestly typing this out has made me realise how ridiculous and childish this all is.
Iv been a victim of abuse from a young age and i think this where my insecurities started from. i know there isnt anyone that can make it go away but would anyone have any advice in how i should navigate this. My inlaws bring out the worst in me and its really affecting my mental health. The “looks” part and insecurities are a huge factor but they play these awful mind games and i feel like i dont have it in me to fight this.

My inlaws live a street away from me so they come over all the time - hence why i cant avoid them 💀

When they come round, stay busy, or go out, let your H entertain them. Turn down any invites, they don’t like you or try to hide it, so why try to be polite, your H can go on his own.
Get a ring doorbell, don’t answer door to them if H is out and block their number.
They are his family, they are awful to you and you don’t have to tolerate it.

I wouldn't see her much tbh. Why is your sh allowing her to say these things?

What the actual fuck. This is insane.
Your husband needs to tell them to stop this disrespectful, rude, hurtful bullshit. He needs to be firm and he really should be feeling anger at the way they're treating his wife. This is unspeakably horrible!
I know that families have weird dynamics where they don't speak up against a gobby matriarch or patriarch, but this is extreme.

(I would be so tempted to start up with "I hope DH finds a mother figure that is better suited to him. Someone who respects his decisions and speaks kindly to those around her.")

This is where our arguments start from. He doesn’t do much about it and tells me to ignore them comments. But wont go and speak to them about it.

Well your husband has certainly made it clear where his loyalty lies and it's obviously not with you.

My DH adores his mother but if she showed so much as a single sign of any of that sort of behaviour, he'd be all over it immediately.

No way would he allow his family to treat me like that.

You need to police your boundaries more. Your in laws are abusing you—quite freely—and your dh is too naive or too complicit to push back and protect you. Stop seeing them and tell him they can’t come over because they are rude and cruel to you.

He may keep seeing them but if he does I think you really have to reevaluate your safety in this marriage. If he won’t fight to help you know you are secure how secure are you?

Iv started to go out when they come over or pretend im working and not come down to avoid them. They don’t even call before coming round and ive actually just ordered a ring doorbell so thank u for that. xx

See this is reaction im looking for. Because anyone i tell seems to think im overreacting and i should js deal with it. Including DH. And sadly it is exactly how you said, were dealing with narcissistic gobby people who arent afraid to fight but fail to have any sort of self reflection so its always easier to just stay quiet. Sadly its to our own detriment.

I agree. I used the same word “protection” that i dont feel protected. I married him and the price i have to pay is take abuse from them. I tell my husband it wasnt worth it because how am i married and still feel alone in it all? That starts another argument in itself.

i agree and also say this to him about where his loyalty lies. Im not asking him to choose as such but atleast be honest and fair with the situation.

Do you have children with him?

If you don't but you plan to, I'd put that on hold until he can learn not to stand by and let his family disrespect you, as it would be a terrible example to set to DC.

I have 2 DCs. 9 and 7
9 year old is starting to notice things and will ask why grandma was being mean or “what did grandma mean about xyz”
I have had a word with the MIL to keep her comments to herself especially around the children but she doesnt care.
Sadly my children are beginning to hate their grandma without me doing anything for it to happen.

Are you saying that your husband doesnt tell them to stop, and hasnt shut them down?

He allows them to make cruel comments, and he also thinks its ridiculous that you ask him for reassurance?

I think it sounds awful. No wonder you have low self esteem.
He should be on your side

I'm gobsmacked then that she said she hopes he finds 'the one' when he's off out with his friends.

I hate to say it but if you've been together this long and have children that age, he's really not going to stop being complicit in the abuse you're receiving.

You have a husband problem. I’d have to move far away from these people. You’re under-reacting. These things they are saying are awful.

Yep. Sadly this is the case. He said how his sister was never involved in his previous relationships as in never cared etc and how they’ve never had a great relationship between each other growing up so its funny to him she has anything to say at all.
Therefore just ignore her. I said its so strange and unhealthy to be overly involved in someones life.
He said he has spoken to then once before but i dont think it actually happened tbh and nothing changed thereafter either.

Tbh i know what i need to do, and i hate to be one of those parents who stay together for the “sake of the children” - its what my parents did and it didn’t end well at all.
But i just dont feel like im strong enough to leave either.

What usually happens when i say its abuse, he goes quiet because he doesn’t have anything to say and ultimately he knows im right. But he wont say anything at all.
Iv previously gotten my brother involved to have a word with him which was the end of the world because “im involving people that don’t need to know”

It’s starting to impact your children, though. They shouldn’t have to see you being spoken to like this without standing up for yourself. You might surprise yourself when you realise how strong you can be to protect your children. Can you call Women’s Aid and explain what you have said here? You are being abused and it’s eroded your confidence.

That just tells me your husband knows you’re being abused and he is complicit in it. Please reach out for support to someone outside the family.

Put more pressure on your husband to have words with them...if he can't then tell him to go and visit his family by himself every day as you don't want them here to cause more resentment especially Infront of the children. Stop being so weak OP stand up for yourself as clearly your husband won't.

I know. The last thing i would want is for this to affect the children and here we are. Thank you. I didn’t actually look at this as abuse.

He usually turns the tables by pointing out how im reacting as opposed to dealing with the problem itself. Just deflecting from the problem.

It is abuse. You’re upset, your children are starting to pick up on it, you’re avoiding contact, you sound frightened. You got your brother to have a word with your husband. The MIL from hell is in the next street. Can you see a family law solicitor?

That’s what abusers do. They don’t take responsibility.