wasn't sure where to post this - have had a horrendous day AGAIN - please reassure me that this will end and I will be able to type a positive post again

[Mummy2TandF]

Where to start? It was my cousins baby's christening today, we had to be there for 1pm, service at 1:15pm ... lo's woke up at 8am, had breakfast - I got dd 18mths dressed and put her down for a nap at 10:45am so that she didn't get tired and ratty at the service, ds 3.6 didn't want to get dressed so lots of bribery and rushing around, then I finally got dressed! My parents drove to me so that they could follow me to the church. Had to wake dd up to put the lo's in the car and off we went...I got myself upset on the drive there because I was wearing a dress which dh had commented on (he said I looked gorgeous in it and it was the best dress I had ever bought) which was quite unusual and then realised that I hadn't worn it since that day, I got half way to the church and took a wrong turn and got myself upset again because I thought I knew where it was but it was always dh who had directed me to it and actually I didn't know, I eventually found the church (mum & dad still following) just in time, we got out of the car and parents had a go because we were driving round in circles!! )they have got a sat nav just didn't bring it!) Went in the church and cried all the way through because the last time i was there dh was with me and the last christening i went to was our dd's and dh was with me (where i had worn the dress)

We then went to the reception - me, the dc's, mum, dad, sister, her fiance and her son. Everyone was chatting but i had the dc's to keep an eye on and chase after, so didn't speak to anyone, didn't even have a drink - I asked my sister to keep an eye on dd while i took ds to the toilet, when i got back everyone was chatting and no dd - asked around, nobody had seen her, panic set in and I was running round the pub looking and calling for her - saw sisters fiance at the bar and said "i can't find dd, I can't find dd" and he shouted at me "what do you want me to do about it!!" So I screamed at him "Help me look for her!" but he didn't ... just then a man came in from outside and asked if I had a little girl, I said yes and he said that someone had just grabbed her out of the middle of the main road!!! I just burst into tears - dd was fine, I wasn't - I gathered both dc's and went home I just can't face family functions like this on my own, I can't be in 2 places at once, I can't do this on my own without dh, I feel like I am not a good enough mummy - My mum just called and said the family can't be expected not to socialise just because I have 2 dc's - I only asked for them to keep an eye on her for a minute!!

Sorry for mammoth post, I could put more but I am sure you are fed up if you have got this far ... just needed to talk to my cyber friends and get it off my chest

the only bad mummy in this sorry tale is YOUR MOTHER the old hag

Sorry, but they are all being complete and utter twats. I wish I was close enough to help you out but unfortunately can't do much from NZ.

M2T&F, if you were anywhere near me I would be glad to come over and hang out with you, help with the kids, provide some adult time. I'd be proud to. You are doing an amazing job under the worst of circumstances - you are carrying on being a loving wife and mother despite having lost your partner, and every day you do that you're honouring his memory and the bond you shared. Please don't ever let anyone make you think there is anything selfish about grieving and hurting for a lost loved one.

When I read your OP I was going to suggest asking your family for some proper support, but I see now that there's no point What a bunch of bastards. They're not worth your spit, honestly. You've got through a very difficult day with good grace - be proud of yourself

Lapin - Dark blue would be wonderful, thank you (Beggers can't be choosers) ... ds is size 4-5 really, even though he is 3.6 and dd is 12-18 or 18-24 depending on where they are from - My dc's are peculiar in sizing!
MrsJohnCusack - The dc's would love NZ
Cyteen - thank you for your post, you are very kind ... as far as my family goes, I think they think that they are being supportive. I do speak to my mum everyday (more than once) and we go round there at least once a week but when we do she is always saying when are you going and don't come back in a hurry Just makes me feel that I have nobody

do you know a childminder or a nanny that could help just to give you some time out? your dc's are both at challenging ages and i sympathise with you.
also a good friend with a good ear helps.

kidsrus - I do know one childminder, but she has her own dc's and mindees to contend with ... plus, there is no way I could afford that - can't even stretch to the occassional babysitter. DS does go to playschool 4 mornings a week and dd will be able to start in October, so am looking forward to the break, I won't know what to do with myself

Big hugs your way M2T&F

I haven't been following your history, and have only got a himt from this post - but i think you're doing brilliantly and are a great mummy!

In my experience of bereavement, if you hadn't been through it yourself you just didn't understand it. And those who had were brilliant about it.

If you are spending so much of your time ringing and visiting your unhelpful mother, you are cutting down time you could be meeting people who are supportive of you.
Have you a local church? Or a local bereavement group?

I found that when my sister and father died that people isn't even want to say their names. But I stopped giving my energy to those who hadn't been through it and strangely enough I began to attract people into my life who have had experiences of bereavement and who are now much better friends.

Sorry for the waffly post and I hope things get better for you - I found bereavement to be a very wiggly path - somedays everything is on the straight and narrow and then suddenly you take a left turn and are in floods of tears - especially on 'occasions' and at times where there's an absent place round a table. But there will come a day when you don't think about him - (and you'll be wracked with guilt) but it's all part of the process of grieving.

big hugs your way {hugs}
Take care

Mummy2TandF, I have a mother who considers it her duty to tell me the stuff no-one else would. Different sort of bereavement, but I've been on the receiving end of "when are you going to stop moping" pep-talks too, and they hurt. Your family are horrors and we all think so. What a horrible thing to happen.
Have CATed you. Can't help with crocs but can with not-much-used boys' and girls' clothes. XXX

nothing but sit & relax sounds good to me!
you deserve a well earned rest to read,relax,bathe,pamper watch daytime t.v,mumsnet and anything you want to do.
forget house work and useless families.
in the mean time try to get out look up your local childrens centre for some help and support also your local cis might help with support groups.here

try gingerbread too

You poor thing...that all sounds way too stressful.

You are by no means a crap mum, you're a fab mum dealing with so much on your own...

It's just not fair that your family behave the way they do.

Sending hugs...

I have contacted homestart for some help, but that was a couple of months ago and they are still looking for a suitable volunteer The woman from homestart does call every now and agin but I don't really like talking on the phone, all I seem to do is be pessamistic and I don't like that .. much prefer to text or email (wierd I know)
I can't remember the last long soak in a bath I had, the last good sleep, the last book I read, or the last "proper" meal I have eaten - really need to try and "find" myself again.
Marina - Thank You
In my mums defence she has got my dads health to worry about lately, I know that I am really worried, but maybe I am just paranoid atm, keep thinking that anything can happen at any time

sorry to hear how unsupportive your family were at the christening I can sympathise I have 3 under 7 and any outing is hard, you have to have eyes in the back of your head.

You are so brave and your family are soo stupid not to realise that you need a little help sometimes.

Big hugs I wish I was nearer I would mind your LO s for you people do not realise how hard it is just to get the hoovering done when there is no one there to just take them for half an hour cooking is a nightmare esp when they want to help lol

xxjxx

Hi just thought i'd say from what i have read you sound like a brilliant mummy and you might not feel like your coping very well but you ARE. You sound like you've been through alot but your still here coping, theres a little quote i found i hope you like it

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by
each experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.
You are able to say to yourself,
"I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that
comes along."

-- Eleanor Roosevelt

Hello,

I'm so sorry that things remain tough where your family are concerned-had really hoped they would understand and be the supportive family you need and DESERVE!

Is there a Children's Centre near you?
That might be a good place for you to go and meet other parents and maybe even access some support with those lovely active and curious little ones.

I'll try and get some contacts together for you-will email tomorrow.

Much love,
Your Candle Fairy xxx

I agree with shinypink shoes about the children's centre - you may be able to get some creche time for your younger kid there to give you a bit of space.

am very sorry your family are behaving so shittily - it is just incredible that they can't be arsed to keep an eye out on your kids for 2 minutes.

I can't believe how horrible and unsupportive your family were. Sending virtual hugs x

Pinky - thanks for that quote
Are the creche facilities that everybody is mentioning free? Am thinking of asking the local college if they have any students on childcare courses that would like some work experience, but don't know whether that would just cause me more worry and stress?
It's a horrible day today, windy, rainy and our fence has blown down in the garden! Dd is down for her nap, so am going to make some cakes with ds, see if that can pull me out of the dip I am in. But tbh it's horrible being on my own and this dip has been my longest yet, can't really see the light at the tunnel atm
Thank You all for your kind words yet again though

oh god that is so bloody crappy, I am very for you.

that is NOT good behaviour from your family

Our Sure Start children's centre runs a free creche 2 mornings a week - it's v popular though, so you'd need to ring them a few days in advance to check availability.

wessexgirl - thank you, my next door neighbour works at a sure start nursery but she said that we are out of the area and there isn't one in our area I don't expect anything different tbh ... things rarely go the way I would like them to, just a fact of my life

Oh, what a PITA . I thought Sure Start was countrywide now, but if you don't have one in your borough/area, I guess that's no help.

OMG I thought my family was unsupportive. Yours is incredible I can't believe they couldn't take a couple of minutes out of "enjoying themselves" to watch their granddaughter / niece.

I know you need adult company but I think you'd be better off distancing yourself from your parents and finding people who will be good for you, like zazen says.

Do remember it is them being unreasonable and selfish and not you.

M2TandF I am so sorry you are in such a dip. It must be so lonely and your family don't sound much help at all. Hate to say it, but this is still early days for you. Be gentle on yourself and allow yourself to grieve. Sorry there seems no light at the end of the tunnel, but keep in mind that phrase, 'when you reach the end of your tether, hang on'. You are doing a marvellous job with your los and your dh would be so proud of you.

PS Hope the cakes turned out well.