No sleep over Mums - Residential trips?

[Glitterbells9]

My children only sleep at their Grandmas, and thats all I am comfortable with.

I am happy to be a no sleep over Mum.

I sleep well knowing they are with us, or My Mum.

Im seeking the opinions of like minded mums, what do you do with school residential trips?

Our school wants a 2 night 3 day trip for their first residential in Y4. He is one of the youngest still at 8 years old at time of trip.

We as a family aren't ready for that. I think it is too long, Dad agrees, my eldest doesnt sleep well potentially has adhd/autism awaiting assessment.

I think their first trip should be shorter, ease all concerned in to this residential trip stuff!

However, he may be ready next year or the year after… How do I navigate that?

How do I say no to sleep overs but yes to residentials?

Or do I stick with no sleep overs means no staying the night away from home?

With all due respects I know not everyone will share my views, and each to their own. No judgement from me if you love sleep overs, thats wonderful. However, it is not for me at these ages. (7 and 8)

Some local Primaries start off with a one night residential at the school for the younger children so one group in the hall and one in a class for example. They might do a hike or something and then 'camp' at the school for the night

I don’t understand this new trend of infantilising children and allowing them no freedom. It’s ultimately doing the opposite of protecting them as they will not lean how to adapt in different situations. Of course let him go - he’s 8 not a baby.

That’s a shame, I was the youngest in my year and still have fond memories and photos of my first ever residential trip - that was over 40 years ago now! No child sleeps very well when away (on the first night at least) but that’s sort of part of it, and they’re probably a lot stricter about quiet bedtimes now than they were then!

I really do think you are being selfish.
your DC will be fine. It will be a great experience for them

Well it isnt "we as a family" it is you that is not ready for it. And that is fine but many children manage to stay away it is only 2 days, you don't need to use flowery language to say you don't want your child to go somewhere.

Speak to the school. Ask for a back up plan if he struggles with sleep and has suspected SEN.

My ds is autistic and he also only ever stayed away with my parents because that’s all he ever wanted to do.

His first school residential was yr 6 and we agreed if he couldn’t manage nights we would take him there and pick him up in the evening.

He did do the 4 nights but found it so overwhelming he refused to stay away from home anywhere for the next 6 years overnight!!!!

I’m with others that it’s not fair you hold him back but I do know that for children themselves who find it too much it can be counter productive.

His school were great but he masked and they managed his difficult periods and he did t realise himself how much it affected him until afterwards.

With all due respects I know not everyone will share my views, and each to their own. No judgement from me if you love sleep overs, thats wonderful. However, it is not for me at these ages. (7 and 8)

Well, it's not for you. It's for your child. And your child's development and life skills. And it's part of your child's education in this case.

Mine never had sleep overs either and they had no problems with friends or confidence BUT they did go on most residentals except the high priced skiing which none of them were interested in.
Get your lad assessed and take it from there. He might well like the trips with his friends.

We don't do sleepovers either....mostly. We do residential trips. You don't have to defend your decisions to anyone. My kids know that residential trips are not the same as sleepovers in strangers houses!

My son is on school camp currently, the SENCO put together a plan for what might happen and documented it all. He is in a small room with 6 kids with guidance on what to do if he has a toilet accident. There isn't anything that cannot be overcome. I don't understand why you wouldn't let your children have this opportunity.

Let him go You are holding him back because of your own anxieties
They are extremely well cared for and entertained in the evenings well mine were
Seriously, my three all had so much fun and arrived home tired and slightly dishevelled but had a fantastic time
The next year the went to the Isle of Wight for a week and honestly their confidence soared

I was at a PGL site this weekend, and they had lemon & lime and raspberry and peach flavoured water dispensers in the dining hall. I sdidnt see anything fizzy though

the last residential trip at my dc school I didn’t allow my dc to go. (My older DC had been) because there was a few incidents at school that I believe were handled appallingly and prior to those incidents I’d have felt fine sending him, even though Im very cautious about where I let my DC go overnight. But had the issues not arisen at school to make me think that I didn’t want him going, I’d have happily allowed for a residential trip. I actually felt awful when the kids returned home after a wonderful few days and my DC had missed out. Luckily there were no incidents on the residential and I’d been over cautious. (Not to drip feed within the school the incidents had been serious in nature such as knives and SA which had been dealt with really poorly. I felt if the staff weren’t coping at school with the situations that arose I didn’t want my dc 2 hours away. They weren’t small incidents)

We are no sleepovers but yes to residentials. Kids are fine with this. Its just a house rule. Like any others. You can set what rules you like,no need for detailed explanation.

Thanks to those who replied with empathy.

He doesnt want to go, but it has brought the subject up that at some point there will likely be a residential he will want to attend. And although my anxiety never wants him to go, I have asked as I will have to navigate this.

He has never asked about a sleep over, he struggles to sleep even at home his brain doesnt switch off easily. He wakes often and has only recently learnt to settle himself in the night. Sometimes he cant.

He doesnt read other children well, he seeks staff out at lunch/break times. This wouldnt be possible at night.

I work in a school and my school starts residential trips in year 6. In 2 more years though my heart will hurt, I hope his maturity levels and friendships will have grown.

I have enjoyed reading others who don't allow sleep overs - how you logically not emotionally became ok with the residential trips. It will help me massively when we do have one he wants to attend.

If he doesn’t want to go then I think that’s more than enough of a reason not to go. He’ll get to a place where he understands for himself what he is ok with and what he is not.

Agree

the combination of stifling real world development of independence whilst allowing online time is damaging the generation

read The Anxious Generation by Jonathan Haigh.

My daughter is very autistic and sounds exactly like your son. Not going on the residential would have really singled her out so she went, but because of her autism there was no way she could sleep there. So, every day either my husband or I would drive there after everyone had gone to bed to pick her up in her pyjamas and bring her back in her pyjamas before breakfast the following day. Only the teachers and her two room mates (her best friends) knew. I had to fight the school to let them allow it (I considered it a reasonable adjustment) but she had the most marvellous time and 10 years later still talks about the great time she had.

I agree with sending your son if you can. My eldest was very similar but she managed to sleep over and really enjoyed it, but we knew my youngest couldn’t cope with the sleeping bit.

As a teacher that takes these trips … pipe down. The majority of kids haven’t been of friend sleepovers by 8. Most have slept at grandparents etc. like OPs child.

OP I’d try to reframe your thinking. This isn’t the same as a sleepover. You’re not breaking your boundary.

Also if you’re really really worried you can secretly get an Airbnb close by so you’re there quickly in an emergency. I know parents that have done this but I don’t recommend it!

ask for a meeting with the lead teacher who can talk you through it.

I’ve never had a kid that we couldn’t find a way for them to come. In one extreme case we did allow the parents to take child to a hotel nearby over night, but that was the only solution and not a pushy parent.

Poor kid let him go!

You’re projecting your irrational anxieties onto him.

I find your responses on this thread quite hard to read, OP. It seems like you realise that it's your anxiety that is holding your son back here - yet you don't show any desire to actually address this. You talk about "no sleep-over mums" as if they are some valid intellectual movement of which you are a part.

First, I think you need to address why you think your son is unsafe if he is away from you at night. Do you fear illness? Accident? His distress? Abuse?

And confront the fact that any and all of these things could happen to him in the daylight also.

Unless you intend to keep your son in your line of sight at all times (in fact, even then) you cannot fully safeguard him against all possible harm.

And to keep our children with us at all times is to deny them the world and their freedom in it - it's quite a cruel form of abuse.

And so our responsibility as parents is to teach our children to safeguard themselves.

I'm not suggesting you are currently abusing your child by denying him sleepovers, as it doesn't sound like he wants them anyway. I am saying you are nurturing a line of thinking in yourself that threatens to do him real developmental harm. And I think you know this is down to your anxieties, but still you choose to persist in it.

I think the very best thing you can do for your son is to seek help for your anxiety ASAP, so that you don't hold him back going forwards. Good luck, I appreciate it must be hard, but you have to be brave now, for the sake of your child, and put his needs above your own.

And although my anxiety never wants him to go

Your feelings are totally irrational, over the top and unhealthy. I’d suggest that you need to see a professional about this anxiety before causing further damage to your DC. It will rub off on them.

I do agree with @Ilovelurchers. Although your son is still fairly young in a couple of years he’s going to be heading for secondary school and teen years. It will come round so much quicker than you think and you need to be prepared for him wanting his independence, you not knowing the parents of his school friends the way you do in primary school, and just making sure he’s responsible enough to make sensible choices, which only comes with you letting go of your anxiety and giving him more freedom.

I consider them in a totally different realm.

sleepovers in a friends house, you don’t really know the parents or what other adults or even older kids might be around. They probably haven’t thought about those things.

sleepover with teachers, no adult alone with your kid overnight.

kids in a big group/room/sleep situation means less likely for something to happen to your kid individually.

staff are dbs checked and first aid train and there’s several of them.

risk assessments have been done and usually it’s very organised.

it’s not a fail safe, nothing ever is and we can’t shelter them forever but as some who suffered SA as a child by a familiar adult and worries about sleepovers I think school trips etc are totally different and my child will be allowed to go on any they choose