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Original poster

How altruistic are you?

52 replies

OrmIrian · 29/04/2008 14:48

I?m not referring to how much you give to charity or give of your time to charities/school/church etc. I mean in your behaviour towards others. If, for example, you were contemplating having an affair with an attached man (or woman), what would stop you, assuming anything would of course. A sense of morality, altruism towards the innocent party (ie the other partner and DCs), or simply a fear of the consequences? Would you have to build yourself a justifying argument; he's not happy with his wife, it's his job to care about her not mine etc. Do we fool ourselves when we think we act or hold back from acting in consideration of others?

OP posts:

nickytwotimes · 29/04/2008 14:49

That's an essay question, that is!

Original poster

OrmIrian · 29/04/2008 14:50

Ha! I thought you said 'easy' nicky.

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nickytwotimes · 29/04/2008 14:51

littlelapin · 29/04/2008 14:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OverMyDeadBody · 29/04/2008 15:00

People are selfish.

Books have been written on how we try to control this selfishness though. If it wasn't school pick-up time I would post a bit more on my thoughts, but gotta dash!

moyasmum · 29/04/2008 15:12

Very.

Are you considering an affair and want justifcation?

nooka · 29/04/2008 15:30

I think that most people considering/having affairs don't really think at all. They just justify whatever it is they have decided to do in whatever way they can and discount all the reasons for the alternative course of action. It is never acceptable, sensible or moral to have an affair. Full stop. I think that pretty much the same sort of reasoning happens whenever people decide to do something questionable.

scaryteacher · 29/04/2008 15:53

Having seen my mum and my best friend both left in the lurch for other women (both of whom knew that these were married men), I couldn't contemplate hurting another woman or a child in that way.

The chance did come my way once, but I was too fond of his wife and kids, and my dh to do anything about it.

It must be something about Naval chaps that makes them prone to this; barring Mr Lapin and Mr Scaryteacher (who wouldn't bloody dare) of course! Oh, and my db as my mum and I would kill him together.

I do think that we are altruistic, although some may not choose to acknowledge this. I don't like people thinking I am, as I wouldn't be so scary any more. I also think we don't like to be thanked for what we do. One of the TAs at school was in a shit place one Christmas and I knew she couldn't afford to buy food for Christmas lunch and she had her kids, so I went and bought her one of those Tesco card thingies that are preloaded with cash to make sure she could get a turkey and all the trimmimgs and some booze for her, and got one of the students to write a Christmas card from the fairy godmother, included the card, and sent it on an excursion round the school so it couldn't be traced back to me. I did it for her for a couple of years. Someone told her it was me, just as I was leaving, and it was a tad embarrassing. I could afford to do it though, and she was a love and worked so hard for so little that I couldn't bear to think of her having a horrid Christmas.

TheSlightestTeuch · 29/04/2008 15:59

Slight side-track...

What happens if you are the betrayed wife, then someone comes along who really blows you away? Do you feel obliged to say 'I've been there...it hurts' or do you say 'fuck it, I deserve some happiness too'?

I personally only believe that the person in the realtionship is the one 'having and affair' and that they are responsible.

This comes after years of blaming the 'other women' of my dad, my BIL and many others.

I still regard myself as altruistic as I like to do things just because they make people I love, or like, happy. Less so, in the greater sense of the word, with strangers and the wider world.

Original poster

OrmIrian · 29/04/2008 16:12

But Lapin - why wouldn't you contemplate it? Because it's bad, or because you'd hurt others, or because you'd rather avoid the consequences for yourself? There must be some reason why we choose to do things - can't just be cultural conditioning.

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Original poster

OrmIrian · 29/04/2008 16:13

moyasmum - no. Don't have the inclination. Or the time. Or the energy. And I care about the people in my life too much.

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Original poster

OrmIrian · 29/04/2008 16:17

teuch - I wonder about that. Life impacts on how you behave to others. Perhaps that's where a religious faith helps?

I think I am much less altruistic than I used to think I was. I do nice things for people but usually those are the people in my family rather than the world in general. If I don't drop litter, recycle, drive as little as possiblem, I do that because I have the future of my children to care about - not perhaps because I have some vague desire to save the world. In fact I think my children have made me more empathetic but less altruistic.

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littlelapin · 29/04/2008 16:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

OrmIrian · 29/04/2008 16:23

So it's a moral judgement then?

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jingleyjen · 29/04/2008 16:23

I wouldn't have an affair because it would hurt too many people.

claraquitetirednow · 29/04/2008 16:23

I wouldn't have an affair because I wouldn't want to hurt the man I love eg my dh. Does that make me old-fashioned and put me in the minority or have I just not been married long enough?

littlelapin · 29/04/2008 16:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

OrmIrian · 29/04/2008 16:32

I am asking because I have found so many boundaries shifting as I've got older. So many people I know, and like, have had affairs and acrimonious splits and I have managed to remain friends with them. My SIL had an affair with a married man last year after her arse of a DH finally moved out - it made her so ridiculously happy and I found it hard to blame her even though I know it was 'wrong'. It's ended now (she ended it) and she has been fairly miserable since. So if she didn't do it again it would be most likely to be because she knows it will cause her pain rather than because of any moral or altruistic reason.

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stillstanding · 29/04/2008 16:33

I wouldn't have an affair because loyalty is something that is really, really important to me and it would go totally against the grain. I would feel that I had failed in a huge, irreparable way.

On the general point, I wonder if anyone is genuinely altruistic ... I am often amazed to discover things I am prepared to do only because I know I will never get caught.

I think shame is responsible for stopping a lot of people doing the things they want to do but know they shouldn't ...

ellideb · 29/04/2008 16:37

Same as clara, I wouldn't do it because I couldn't/wouldn't ever hurt my DP. I couldn't bear to see him hurt, he is such a good person and I love him so much. I feel fiercely protective over him if I think he has been wronged by someone else. If someone wanted an affair with me, knowing that I was attached then that would instantly make me question their morals. If they have such blatant disregard for other people's feelings then they are not a person I'd want to be acquainted with. If my relationship with my DP deteriorated so much that it was beyond repair then I would prefer to end it before embarking on a relationship with another man.

wannaBe · 29/04/2008 16:38

I wouldn't have an affair for lots of reasons. it's wrong, I wouldn't want to hurt my dh/ds, I don't feel I could build happyness on someone else's misery.

I do judge people who have affairs, however I do not think that all people that have affairs are bad people. Sometimes these things just do happen, for lots of reasons. I know they shouldn't, but sometimes they do, and often the people that have them bitterly regret doing so after the event.

I wouldn't stop being friends with someone because they were having an affair.

Blandmum · 29/04/2008 16:39

I wouldn't have an affair as that would mean I was a liar. Honesty is important to me (real honesty over real things not 'Do you like this outfit' type honesty)

I would loath myself for the hurt that I would cause my dh, and the partner of the 'other man'

I have taken care to make sure I never let myself get in temptation's way.

If I was ever in the position to think, 'I want something for me' I'd get a divorce first and look for a single man. I'm not religious, but I am honest.

ellideb · 29/04/2008 16:42

If I found out a friend was having an affair, I couldn't be friends with that person again. I'd hate to be involved with the lies and deception, it would offend my morals and beliefs and I'd just rather not be around that person anymore.

clam · 29/04/2008 16:43

Shame. Hmm, interesting idea. So, if shame is something we feel when people are judging us, how much longer will that be a reason to modify our actions, if society is becoming so non-judgemental?

Original poster

OrmIrian · 29/04/2008 16:44

I don't think it is becoming non-judgemental clam. Just judges different things perhaps.

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