I don't know what to do

[PrettyinPink13]

Hi all, I need some help and advice right now. I have been with my partner for over two years and we have a 15 month old son together. My Mum and sister had our son to stay over the night and my partner wanted to pick him up at about 11:30pm, but they refused until the morning as he was sleeping and would be disturbed. He'd already had a disturbed night previously, as my partner and I had argued and I went to my Mum's with him. With that, my partner won't allow our son to stay or be alone with my Mum or sister ever again. What do you think to this? It's devastated my Mum as she loves being a Grandma.

In a nutshell - lose the partner, make up with your family, and don't have another child with someone you've known for five minutes.

This. You have a child now. They are your priority not your partner. Clearly your Mum has more concern for the child's wellbeing than your partner. If you are arguing to the extent it is disturbing the child and you have to rush to your Mum's during the night it isn't a healthy environment for a child.

This was the only time an argument led to me leaving with our son, and it was something I said that really hurt my partner. It doesn't happen all the time

Why did he want to wake a sleeping child? Who would do that?

He does not put your child first, by having the argument or wanting to take him home once asleep.

Basically, because my Mum refused us to pick up our son when we wanted, my partner isn't allowing him to stay there or spend time alone with them anymore. I can't help but think this is too harsh

How old are you both? You sound young and that your mum had baby's best interests at heart. Being picked up at 23:30 when cosy in bed is ridiculous why did he want to do that instead of the two of you having the evening together?

You got pregnant too soon after meeting him, there's no telling if the relationship would actually have continued without you being pregnant. You are better off focusing on you and baby and leaving him and learning how to co parent separately. Perhaps a relationship will flourish between the two of you anyway but perhaps not and this will give you chance to see.

So when you posted what was your aim? That people would say your partner sounds like a prince among men and of course you should go along with his decision that the child is never alone with your Mum?

Also in your first post you said partner wanted to pick the child up at 11.30 when he was asleep. Now you are saying it was both of you that wanted to pick the child up at 11.30 pm. Which is it?

Your partner's s prick. He is thinking about what he wants apposed to what is in the best interests of the child. Your mum was absolutely right and frankly I don't know what he was thinking trying to collect a sleeping child at almost midnight. If he continues in this vain I'd end the relationship then he doesn't get to dictate where the child can be on your time. Your mum's got her head screwed on.

Hang on. So you also wanted to pick your son up? And your mum said no?

It’s one thing for your mum to support you in a situation - or indeed, support your partner over you if she can see the parents disagreeing and there’s a clear option which is less disruptive for the child - but it’s quite another for both parents to want to pick up their child and for her to refuse. She does not get to make that decision. If you’d also said, we are both going to pick up X, and she just refused to allow you to have him back until the morning - then I’m with your partner in thinking that she needs to be far less involved and aware that she has no rights over her grandson.

This is true. However, I have a strong suspicion there is a great deal more to this story that may or may not emerge here and that might have influenced the grandmother's behaviour.

To clear up any confusion, it was my partner who wanted to pick him up, and at the time I went along with it (but didn't agree). Sorry, I should be more clear. So, from my Mum's perspective it was the both of us who wanted to pick him up that night.

You don't know what to do.

The way I see it, you have several choices.

1. Go along with what he says
2. Keep taking your baby to see grandma and allowing her to have him alone.
3. Try to find a compromise

To be honest, you fell pregnant very soon after getting together with your DP. You didn't have time to get to know him very well.

He now seems to be controlling.

You argue sufficiently to make you leave home and stay at your mum's. That must have been a huge row. Or a huge over reaction.

Then you (both) are trying to disturb a sleeping baby who's settled at gran's for no discernible good reason other than to stamp ownership of the child at nearly midnight.

There a stand-off with you caught in the middle.

This relationship is not working in the best interest of your baby. You either need to work out how to disagree and come to a compromise (not just on this occasion, but any disagreement going forward) or split.

Why would he suddenly want to collect him from your mum's when he was already settled and asleep?

Does he dislike your mum?
Does he see your son as a possession rather than a person with needs?
Does he often like to have everyone jumping to his tune at almost midnight?

He sounds difficult.

I love him, but he can be difficult yes. I don't think he even realises it though. He doesn't really see eye to eye with my family unfortunately, although he's tried, and always been very pleasant to them. At times they have been very out of line towards him, and that was completely on them. However, I think there are also times when they just don't match with him, or I just struggle to see why he's so annoyed by them. My Mum's really hurt by all this.

You know your family. Are they the sort to guide you well? Do they always have your best interests at heart? If so, it's unlikely they've changed now and you should take note of their dislike of him or his actions as it is probably for a good reason.

If your family have poor decisions making skills, or have been otherwise toxic then think about that too and whether your DC should be spending time there.

What actually happened on that night? Did you both rock up at mums house and say "oh, we're going to take little James home tonight, we just miss him too much" and were you both sober and in good sorts and she stood in the doorway and physically stopped you - in which case technically you could have rung the police if you really wanted to.

Or did you ring her and a have a conversation over the phone where she said "oh I don't think that's a good idea he's sleeping"

Or something else?

We just asked over text. I tried to ring but there was no answer, I'm sure because it was late, and my Mum said it was ridiculous coming for DS at that time, and not to pick him up until the morning

Then your mum didn't refuse and stop you from taking him.
She sent a reasonable text back considering the ridiculousness of the request

He sees it as refusal, and that we should be given our child whenever we want him, as we have that right over anyone. So now he's stopped ds from staying with them or being with them unless I'm there

There isn’t much of ‘you’ in your posts - you feel sorry for your mum, you feel sorry for your partner.

I think you will know what to do when you take control of your own life.

I don’t understand why you were asking your mum for him back - he’s your boy, you decide when he comes home (with gratitude for the evening’s help).

That's because he is a controlling man. Had you turned up then she would have let you have him I expect whilst wondering if her daughter had actually lost her mind.

So it IS that he sees your son as a possession that you have more rights over than anyone else and he wasn't thinking about what is in the best interests of your son at midnight on an autumn night.

That's not a good dad.

Very well said!

OP you need this man out of your life. I say that with certainty.

How old are you and how old is he?
Did you move into his house?
Do you get to make decisions on what you do?
Do you have access to money and get to make decisions on how family money is spent?