I don't know what to do

[PrettyinPink13]

Hi all, I need some help and advice right now. I have been with my partner for over two years and we have a 15 month old son together. My Mum and sister had our son to stay over the night and my partner wanted to pick him up at about 11:30pm, but they refused until the morning as he was sleeping and would be disturbed. He'd already had a disturbed night previously, as my partner and I had argued and I went to my Mum's with him. With that, my partner won't allow our son to stay or be alone with my Mum or sister ever again. What do you think to this? It's devastated my Mum as she loves being a Grandma.

I reckon your family have the full measure of this partner of yours.

He sounds controlling, childish and petty. It’s his way or the highway right?

If you don’t stand up to him now you’ll be making a very painful rod for your own back.

I'm 33 and he is 36
No, we moved in together to a completely fresh place
I do get to make decisions, but he can want his way at times. Like we always watch what he wants on TV or movies, and anything I want to watch I just watch alone (which is hardly ever as I don't get time!)

As far as money is concerned, we don't have any issues. If it is control, it's not really in these areas

So he just randomly decided at half 11 at night that he wanted to go and collect your son? Anybody with half a brain would decide to leave him where he is while he is fast asleep in bed. He is trying to say your mum is the unreasonable one for not letting him pick his son up and if it was half 11 in the morning he might have a point. He knows half 11 at night is a ridiculous time to pick a sleeping kid up just because he can and I'm glad your mum didn't put up with his shit and did what anyone would do and that is leave the child asleep.

He sounds like a controlling cunt and a big fucking crybaby

What happens if he doesn’t get his own way?

If your Mum posted here, OP, what would she be saying about your situation? I imagine she's concerned, particularly, as you pitched up there with a baby after a row. Then shortly after she's got your partner expecting to pick up the child at 11.30 pm on what was presumably a pre-arranged sleepover and then throwing a strop.

You partner must have expressed some reason WHY he wanted the child back at that time. What prompted it? He surely can't have just randomly decided this after a quiet evening at home. Didn't you tell him it was an unreasonable thing to do at the time?

It's not in your son's best interests. You are allowing him to dictate what he wants even though he is not considering your son's best interests. You need to put your son's best interests front and centre. He is coercing you to do what you think or know is wrong and weaponising your child. Please contact women's aid and consider the freedom program. Your son will thank you.

I do get to make decisions, but he can want his way at times. Like we always watch what he wants on TV or movies, and anything I want to watch I just watch alone (which is hardly ever as I don't get time!)

Let me guess - you are working full time, doing the vast majority of childcare plus the cooking, cleaning, shopping and the vast majority of the household mental load too? And he just watches exactly what he wants on tv after eating the dinner you made him.

Your partner sounds like a dick from what you've said here.
What were you both doing during the evening? I assume it was a pre-arranged sleepover at your mum's, so why did he suddenly want to pick him up at 11.30pm on an Autumn night when your little one would be fast asleep tucked up in bed?
I think you need to prioritise your son and not alienate your helpful family for a bloke that you had a baby with five minutes after meeting him.

There is more. My Mum and my sister have got in their heads that my partner is being abusive. We are soon moving as he has got himself a new job after being made redundant and out of work for some time. Instead of being happy for us, my family are just being so negative about it and putting doubts in my mind. They are convinced something is wrong in my relationship, and I have a hard job making them see otherwise. I was unwell and they both came to our house to see if I would like them to take me to get checked, but they were aggressively banging on the window and door before I answered. This woke our son up so he started crying, as well as startling us, and when I answered the door and said that they can't come in (because my partner didn't want them to) they barged in. My partner then intervened asking what was going on and for them to please leave and then all hell broke loose. My sister slammed the door, and was calling my partner a narcissist, controlling and coercive upto face. I tried to stop them but I know it was nowhere near enough, and I wasn't so well which didn't help. My partner then called the police and they came. But we have found out that my family reported us to children's services, and with that my family and my partner are enemies, and they have gone from not seeing our son unless with me, to never being allowed to see him again.

What has he done that your mum thinks is abusive?

That's the thing, nothing as she's got no evidence. I've lost weight and she thinks my partner/relationship is the cause. The trouble is, my dad was abusive, and it makes her too paranoid

Can you tell us what happens if he doesn’t get his own way? If you said “I’m not happy with stopping ds going to mums so il not agree to that” or even “I want to watch such and such on tv tonight”? what would he say/do?

Given that most responses her from the brief snapshot you've given has led most posters to suggest he is at the very best controlling, and given that your family have far more experience of him than we do, it doesn't come as a huge surprise that your family might be very concerned about you.

You bolting to their home after an argument and the very strange behaviour about picking up your son would only confirm that.

Even if at this point you can't quite see the type of person he is, surely you must understand why they are concerned and that they are very concerned indeed if they felt they might have needed to launch a rescue mission when you didn't appear well to them?

Our son was still at my Mum's from the previous night when we turned up there after the argument, he stayed all day as I went to work, but then I went back to the house to pick up a few bits to then go back to my Mum's, when my partner and I ended up talking and patching things up. As it then got late I said that we'll pick up ds in the morning, which was all agreed. However, when my family started asking me questions such as "have you eaten?" "What about your medication as some of it's still here?" and when my sister said that she may need to talk to my partner because of last nights events, that's when he wanted ds back and said very strongly that they won't be having him again unless I'm with them. I am just a wimp who went along with it, but has since disagreed with him still to no avail.

You don’t need to do what he says OP.

you still haven’t answered the question I’ve asked twice: what happens if you don’t do as he says?

He would get stroppy

What does stroppy mean in his case. What does he actually do when he's stroppy?

Your family were right to call Social Services. Both of you trying to pick up at child at 23:30 don't care about the welfare of the child, disturbing the child's sleep for a second night in a row for your relationship with a pathetic, controlling man.

You need to get yourself some help too. You're not a silly teenager who got pregnant to a man she only just met, you're in your 30s. Put your child first instead if you can't value yourself enough to see you deserve better.

Don't move with him. Your child will be better around your mum who actually cares about stability.

Pretty much yes

And what does “stroppy” look like? Aggressive, shouting?

That’s abuse my love - it comes across quite clearly that you’re scared of him (and that doesn’t necessarily means you think he’d get physical, emotional abuse is just as bad). You may think your dm and dsis are being overbearing but I would really, really listen to them and keep on seeing them/talking to them. Don’t let your partner isolate you from them - they often try to do this when they know their other halves family have their card marked.

He's not a bad man though, and I do love him, and I feel so bad for talking about him like this. It's just all got so messy

I've got mixed feelings on this one, but at the end of the day you and your partner have the right to pick up your child, even if the timing is not great. You are his parents. Period.

The fact that they "refused" to hand over your child, along with the banging on the window, barging in despite being told not to, and verbally abusing your partner indicates that your mother and sister don't respect your DP or you.

They are certainly overly involved in your relationship.

Yes your relationship is quite new, yes they are entitled to their opinions, as ill-informed as they may or may not be, but at 33, it is perhaps time to grow up and act like an adult and build your relationship with your DP. Stop telling them all your business.

I wonder what gave them the idea he was abusive and controlling? Other than the demonstrations of him being abusive and controlling, that is?

Sounds badly organised on all counts. Why wouldn’t you agree in advance with your mum a sensible pick up time or stay overnight?? Ridiculous.

Everything you have said so far tells us that he is controlling by nature and he is controlling you in particular. I'll bet that he has had at least one previous relationship that ended because of this.

As was said above, it is unfortunate that you had a child with this man before you could learn what he was like.

Your best course now is to leave this man and look after your baby on your own with the help of your parents.