Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Other subjects

I hate being ordinary

59 replies

throwingtoys · 29/08/2024 00:20

This is going to be a strange post and I am ready for people slapping me down. I just don't know what to call this feeling I have - you might say I am ungrateful and self obsessed. So, I have a comfortable life with DH and DC. We live in a relatively nice area with comfortable wages enough to have a good life and be comfortable. I however, have this really horrid complex of feeling average. For example, I'll go to a show/concert and sit in the audience and hate being the ordinary audience member but wish I was the great performer on stage. I watch a royal wedding for example and hate being the spectator watching these elite people attending, wishing I was one of them that everyone admires. The worrying thing is I'm starting to want that for DC. For example, when I see them watching their idol sportsmen I hope they are that sportsman one day and not just idolising and watching them. I wish they were able to attend an elite school so they are not just ordinary. I don't like the thought of them being just another average face in the crowd. It's becoming an unhealthy obsession and I don't know where this stems from. I hate feeling this way. As a child I experienced early deaths within the family, I had a very sick parent and was a child care for some of those years and I'm not sure if this feeling has come somehow from childhood. I can't see the connection but can't see any other reason where this comes from? It's a feeling of somehow being left out. Why would I be feeling this way and why can't I just be happy with this really good life I currently have?

OP posts:
Witchinawell · 29/08/2024 05:59

How old are you ? Is it a case of having to come to terms with your lot being all that you're going to achieve in life ? I used to work around the edges of some of the biggest names at the time and can assure you that those your seeing on stage are very often drugged / iv'd up to the hilt to ensure they perform, are viewed as an economy by those around them and often live very very dull / un-inspirational lives when the cameras aren't on. Once I had kids, it made me realise the last thing I want for them is fame as it warps your mind and the environment around you.

bergamotorange · 29/08/2024 06:10

I'd suggest therapy.

You need to understand what is underlying it. I'd say do it soon because it's transferring to your kids.

botleybump · 29/08/2024 06:15

Could it be envy?
They've found their 'thing' and are loving it? Or they're fully expressing themselves? Embodying who they are freely?

Do you make space to pursue your own interests? Chase your own dreams?
Or are you living in service to others as us mothers often do?

XelaM · 29/08/2024 06:15

I think this is normal. Don't we all feel this way?

Deipara · 29/08/2024 06:16

XelaM · 29/08/2024 06:15

I think this is normal. Don't we all feel this way?

Nope!!!

SallyWD · 29/08/2024 06:19

XelaM · 29/08/2024 06:15

I think this is normal. Don't we all feel this way?

I've never felt like that! I can't stand attention. If I see a performer on a stage I think "Thank God I don't have to perform in front of all these people" .
I love being ordinary abd fading into the background.

Drachuughtty · 29/08/2024 06:19

Many people who seem ordinary are extraordinary. Lots of those "faces in a crowd" could be people who have saved lives, made important discoveries, survived the unthinkable and nurtured others. As have you. Fame is not necessary for an extraordinary life. Fame is a fleeting moment. Why do you want fame for you and your kids rather than security, love, health, fulfilment? Only you can answer this question. But I bet the answer is there somewhere if you consider it without shame.

Oblomov24 · 29/08/2024 06:25

Being ordinary is so nice. Comforting. You just trot along. Why do you feel this way, it's odd, some counselling? I'm one of those people who's good at everything brilliant at none, and I'm fine with that. Are you comfortable with who you are?

In fact I have kind of the opposite problem of constantly having to tone myself down so I don't stand out. I don't want to stand out, I like to just blend in. And I don't mean I'm brilliant at anything , I'm not. I mean I've got a loud voice, I'm strong and forceful and love arguing professionally and am good at it, eg fighting HMRC for an employee who's been treated badly by them. I'm constantly having to tone down my thoughts, arguments so that they are gentler, so I don't irritate the HMRC employee when I'm trying to get them to do what I want. I find it tiring having to tone myself down a lot.

throwingtoys · 29/08/2024 07:43

Thanks for all your replies. So I am 42 - I should be very mature by now (sigh). No I am not happy at what I've achieved career wise. Feel I wasted my degree massively. I'm in an ok role, paid a bit above average wage but I've never had a skill, a proper skill. It's a huge regret. My motivation sucks. I day dreamed loads as a child, which I know a lot of people do, but I did massively. Got really obsessed on a certain book or film and used to imagine I was that main character for ages after. I feel like I haven't really grown out of this habit. I feel I could have done so much more with my life but I didn't. Really worried this will happen to my DC too.

OP posts:
Rapturous · 29/08/2024 08:24

throwingtoys · 29/08/2024 07:43

Thanks for all your replies. So I am 42 - I should be very mature by now (sigh). No I am not happy at what I've achieved career wise. Feel I wasted my degree massively. I'm in an ok role, paid a bit above average wage but I've never had a skill, a proper skill. It's a huge regret. My motivation sucks. I day dreamed loads as a child, which I know a lot of people do, but I did massively. Got really obsessed on a certain book or film and used to imagine I was that main character for ages after. I feel like I haven't really grown out of this habit. I feel I could have done so much more with my life but I didn't. Really worried this will happen to my DC too.

Well, retrain for a more interesting field? Your life, objectively, sounds dull to me. I certainly want more than that for myself, but there’s a big space between Taylor Swift/the royal family and where you are now. Find something you love doing, whether that’s a job or a spare time passion. Think about what changes you could make. I’ve moved countries a lot. There’s nothing I like more than a new culture, a new language, new landscape. But we’ll stay where we are till DS finishes school now.

Fame doesn’t make anyone happy in itself — if the ‘skilled’ famous are happy, it’s because they’re doing something they love, or they’re happy because they have a good life otherwise. And their lives, outside that particular skill/talent, and the money they accumulate because of it, are often deeply ordinary.

DH’s last job meant I knew a lot of/about premier league footballers, for example. They are very good at football, and have a lot of money, but their day to day lives are incredibly humdrum. Training in the morning, lunch at the training ground, home early afternoon. Encouraged to marry young by their clubs to ‘settle them down’, they can no longer do the kind of hellraising footballers did in the past, because there’s an eagle eye kept on their performance metrics and any deviation is pulled up. (At the club I was most familiar with, many of the players still didn’t let themselves go even on their summer break, because if they put on more than 1 kg over the summer, they had to return early to ‘fat camp’ to get rid of it before pre-season training started)

Most of the ones I knew spent their spare time in the gym, playing video games or with their kids, and were deeply ordinary. DH works in a different sport now, and the very famous player who lives near where we used to live spends most of his non-playing life in his garden shed.

Webbymeister · 29/08/2024 08:27

I think your choice of topics says it all

out of interest why have you gone for “other subjects “?!

BCBird · 29/08/2024 08:35

I was once called ordinary and found it complimentary. What can you change? It sounds like u feel unfulfilled at work? Maybe, u can look there. Also the grass is not always green, sometimes it's brown.

Hatfullofwillow · 29/08/2024 08:42

As @Drachuughtty said, people aren't really ordinary. Everyone has something which someone else will find extraordinary.

Enigma52 · 29/08/2024 10:22

Do something about it then? You are only 42! Retrain, learn a skill, find an interesting college course, study; what ever floats your boat. Your life isn't over. Do you enjoy good health? Why would your DC follow in your footsteps? Encourage them to learn, explore, budget, be independent, seize opportunities.

Beth216 · 29/08/2024 10:46

Are you craving the love and attention you didn't really get as a child because of all that went on in your childhood? You might be looking for external validation to make you happy, which isn't the place to find it as it makes your happiness dependent on others. Being famous also has a huge number of downsides, how many actors and singers end up abusing alcohol or drugs. You can be famous one day and forgotten the next.
Ordinary is highly under rated! Is there something though that you'd really love to do? Perhaps start making small steps towards achieving it if you can.

Scenty · 29/08/2024 10:56

Were you really good at something in primary /school and then this just didn’t transfer into adulthood.

In primary school I was considered super bright, my family thought I was super bright. I grew up thinking I’d be something great.

Then I went to secondary and it turned out I wasn’t all that bright at all but I couldn’t quite shake the expectation that I should be far ‘more’ than I am. I’ve a good job, family, nice home etc so am reasonably successful but I thought I would be ‘special’ so I often feel like I am not living up to my potential (even though I probably am!)

Ratisshortforratthew · 29/08/2024 11:13

I get it OP. I’ve never wanted to blend in and be conventional like everyone else, I can’t see the appeal of that at all. My career has brought me a little public attention but not enough to be famous. I’m only really starting to pursue other dreams now I’m 35. What can you change/add to your life to make it more interesting?

Eyesopenwideawake · 29/08/2024 11:31

As a child I experienced early deaths within the family, I had a very sick parent and was a child care for some of those years and I'm not sure if this feeling has come somehow from childhood.

I think it does. How old were you when the deaths happened? Could it be that you were scared of death and some kind soul told you that you were special and therefore you weren't going to die because you were destined to be famous? It's the sort of belief that gets lodged in the mind and then resurfaces as a vague dissatisfaction when you are an adult.

Keepingcosy · 29/08/2024 11:41

I get it! I've worked as a performer in my pre mum life for many years. I don't perform now but I get addicted to new hobbies and daydream of them getting me admiration! I obsessionally practice to get 'good' and then get attention and praise. I get so frustrated when I can't get good fast enough.

It's because I'm not 'enough' in myself. Plenty of reasons for that, it's just my coping method in life. Sigh! Hopefully I can find an outlet that fits my life and hopefully you can find one too. I don't have any answers except maybe try something where you perform, like Amdram or singing - you are never too old to get good at something if you put the time in practicing.

throwingtoys · 29/08/2024 11:54

Hey all, thank you so much for all the advice, sharing and questions. Sorry I won't tag all individually but have really reflected on all comments and you've all given me a lot to think about.
As a child I wrote a lot of poetry, short and long stories, I played music and did sports. Gave it all up during end of high school as boys and make up seemed to be more important and did a degree because I kind of had to but didn't really know what I wanted to do with it. My current career is ok but I suffer alot from imposter/little girl syndrome. I never apply for roles that seem to have too much responsibility or too big a salary because I always think 'I can't do that' but see time and time again people who go for it are not doing a great job either. I am always looking for external validation, I don't trust my own judgement until I get confirmation from others (probably why I posted here!)
Thanks for the insight on lives of the famous. Interesting experience @Rapturous I know the pressure alot of these people feel is insane.

@Ratisshortforratthew @Scenty thanks for also sharing that you have similar feelings. I completely feel that I've not lived up to my potential but too scared to do anything about it.

@Webbymeister I have no idea why I put 'other post', I just didn't know what this would come under. Thought about mental health but felt it was too childish to compare with real mental health issues.

OP posts:
throwingtoys · 29/08/2024 11:55

Oh and forgot to add while I don't apply for these roles that are bigger, I day dream about what it would be like and how great and important I would be at it 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
Happyinarcon · 29/08/2024 11:56

I’m not saying this is what’s going on with you, but I was in a similar situation. Turns out I had childhood trauma and was dissociating a lot of the time, or basically living half in the real world and half in my head. Living in my head bubble was a protective mechanism from childhood, but once you outgrow it it leads to feelings of being held back or not being able to reach your potential.

In order to live your life to the fullest you need to heal whatever trauma you are carrying around and put your mental energy into the real world. It will feel like switching from a bike with flat tyres to a Ferrari.

throwingtoys · 29/08/2024 12:37

Happyinarcon · 29/08/2024 11:56

I’m not saying this is what’s going on with you, but I was in a similar situation. Turns out I had childhood trauma and was dissociating a lot of the time, or basically living half in the real world and half in my head. Living in my head bubble was a protective mechanism from childhood, but once you outgrow it it leads to feelings of being held back or not being able to reach your potential.

In order to live your life to the fullest you need to heal whatever trauma you are carrying around and put your mental energy into the real world. It will feel like switching from a bike with flat tyres to a Ferrari.

This really makes sense thank you. I do feel like living half in a dream world of what 'could be' and half in reality. I don't want to let go of the dream world as reality seems dull - but then that makes me feel ungrateful and then I worry I am so ungrateful that something bad will happen to a loved one to make me feel guilty for feeling this way. How do you get over the trauma or find out about how this affects you today? I had therapy a few years back but hasn't helped.

OP posts:
Echobelly · 29/08/2024 12:41

I think I found a lot of peace by realising in my teens that I was never actually going to do anything extraordinary and accepting that was fine.

Most of us are not extraordinary in any 'big' way but I'm due we are all a bit extraordinary in some.

I keep my life interesting by trying lots of different experiences - from raving at a squat party to going to the Royal Opera or taking part in a protest. Like 99.9% of people I'm not going to change the world but at least I can avoid being stuck in a rut.

betterangels · 29/08/2024 12:46

Some of the world's most famous people were and are depressed and anxious. That's a matter of public record. Fame doesn't fix what's lacking - whatever that is. I'd look into therapy. It can be life-changing with regard to outlook and self-acceptance.