I hate being ordinary

[throwingtoys]

This is going to be a strange post and I am ready for people slapping me down. I just don't know what to call this feeling I have - you might say I am ungrateful and self obsessed. So, I have a comfortable life with DH and DC. We live in a relatively nice area with comfortable wages enough to have a good life and be comfortable. I however, have this really horrid complex of feeling average. For example, I'll go to a show/concert and sit in the audience and hate being the ordinary audience member but wish I was the great performer on stage. I watch a royal wedding for example and hate being the spectator watching these elite people attending, wishing I was one of them that everyone admires. The worrying thing is I'm starting to want that for DC. For example, when I see them watching their idol sportsmen I hope they are that sportsman one day and not just idolising and watching them. I wish they were able to attend an elite school so they are not just ordinary. I don't like the thought of them being just another average face in the crowd. It's becoming an unhealthy obsession and I don't know where this stems from. I hate feeling this way. As a child I experienced early deaths within the family, I had a very sick parent and was a child care for some of those years and I'm not sure if this feeling has come somehow from childhood. I can't see the connection but can't see any other reason where this comes from? It's a feeling of somehow being left out. Why would I be feeling this way and why can't I just be happy with this really good life I currently have?

Definitely not. I like being ordinary.

I can relate to the disassociation/daydreaming/trauma. I am allowing myself to start again, and this time quieten the voice that demands perfection and amplify the voice that says ‘you got this’.

I used to be like this really up until my mid 20s. I think I lived in a daydream because I found normal life really uncomfortable.

I was diagnosed autistic in my mid 20s and started making changes in my life to make sure I was living my most authentic self. I found a place to live that I loved and found a job that really suited my natural skillset and started to excel.

I still get obsessed with people/things but I now have things in my ordinary life (cats/husband/job) that give me a lot if satisfaction and joy so although I still daydream, it's no longer to the extent that I wish myself out of my very good, normal life.

I think before I was masking and faking so much to just get by there was an element of feeling that I made so much effort, I should have achieved more with it. Without that going on, I don't feel anywhere near as much pressure

You say you used to write as a child and stopped. Would you consider starting again? I had a difficult, neglected, dysfunctional childhood, read and daydreamed obsessively, and eventually turned it into a career writing novels. Quite a few novelists I know are grown up child maladaptive daydreamers. I’m not suggesting you quit your day job, but it’s a way of channeling fantasy that’s very satisfying.

And I think you should try therapy again, and really work hard.

OP I totally understand you. I don't feel the need to be someone famous or anything at all. But I do look back and wish I had used my talents better in life and excelled in say sport. I had a tough childhood and ended up resorting to disassociation, and addiction to cope. I luckily came out the other side and I'm living a great life all considered. But man I look at my kids and all I want is for them to focus on their sport their interests and excel in whatever that is. I feel I absolutely wasted my youth when I could have done anything. What I try to do is appreciate the insight I've gained from my experience and the gratitude for what I have now. Which is empowering. So my advice try to think out of the box as to what it is that makes you special from the life you e had. And embrace that part of you. And that might be being a safe solid stable mother giving your kids the solid foundation in life for them to excel and hsve the confidence in themselves I never had. Which is the most amazing superpower to hsve,

Therapy is definitely a good idea - it can take time to find the right therapist and the right kind of therapy so I wouldn't dismiss it based on past experiences. You sound very self aware, especially about not wanting to pass this to your kids, which is a great thing OP.

The quote 'what will you do with this one wild and precious life' plays in my head constantly while I'm sat in front of an excel sheet in my living room for 8+ hours per day

There are a few different avenues and you need to start reading up on disassociation to work out what might work for you. It’s generally some combination of inner child work, mindfulness, self love and journaling. Go to a therapist that practices a few different techniques to talk about the best fit.
You only find reality boring because you are not invested in it and it’s like a watching a blurry old tv show that you have no control over. Once you manage to connect your inner world to your outer world it feels like all your physical and mental energy is focused on enjoying life in the real world and living with passion and gusto. You begin creating opportunities and getting excited about things. All the creativity in your head suddenly starts to motivate you to get involved in the world around you rather than stagnate and isolate. I wish I could give you a quick fix answer but alas it’s a journey that looks different for everyone. Start with the inner child. Sounds weird but that tends to be at the heart of a lot of trapped energy.

Me too.

I learned to cope with negative emotions and situations as a kid by becoming completely absorbed in fantasies of what my life would be like when I grew up, how great it was going to be. I continued to do this (in a slightly different way) into adulthood but instead of "when I grew up ", it was if/ when X, Y or Z happens. I think at some point the older I got it inevitably became clear that there's not going to be some magical point in the future where things are perfect, that life is the here and now. Once I realised this, I'd lost my most important coping mechanism. It was extremely hard to come to terms with.
What helped me a lot was antidepressants. They dull my brain but I don't feel the need to daydream when I'm on them and I'm able to live in the here and now.

I am so overwhelmed with all responses here. I honestly thought it would be 'get over yourself' and oeoole telling me I'm wierd. It's really interesting to hear many of you have similar feelings.

@soonandsoforth being absorbed in fantasy is very relatable. And I can imagine letting go is so difficult because that's the coping mechanism needed.

@Happyinarcon Yes my previous therapist talked about dealing with the inner child a lot. She used to say for me to get a picture of my self as a child and talk to her as if she was a different person. I found it extremely hard reliving that. I know it's a process needed but I don't know how to overcome it.

Sorry, not laughing at your situation at all but this did make me laugh - just because I can relate!

Er no, we definitely do not.

I can identify with wanting to be good at something though.

So glad you've managed to channel this in a positive way. You've described exactly how I feel. Thank you for the encouragement

@Rapturous that's amazing you are writing now and have turned it into a positive. Yes I have thought about writing but worried that my writing skills aren't good enough. I did A-level in English literature but still think I could never write a book. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just plain lazy - loving the idea of being something amazing but am lazy to just try.

Sorry I realise that may have sounded like I'm saying anyone who did A level English lit can write a book - no, I realise it's far more complex than that! Just meant to show how much I love literature.

It may be worth reading up on Structural Disocciation
https://eggshelltherapy.com/a-split-in-our-personality/

I think you are limiting yourself with your thoughts, you may well have as much life as you've already lived again ahead of you, that's so much time to start and pursue even multiple new careers.

I wonder too if the idea of being famous might feel like it protects you from loss somehow? I too experienced death in early childhood so just thinking how -in my mind- I might think people like the royal family are safer due to regular health checks, high security etc.

I hope you can find a therapist or counsellor to talk to. Since I faced what happened in my childhood my life has sort of blossomed which I wasn't expecting. It has been hard but I so recommend it if you feel you can. ❤️

Sorry you experienced loss too. So glad you managed to work things through despite how hard it was. Interesting - I never thought of the fame thing like that, as some sort of protection. When I was a child it was a definite sort of escapism, sort of text book really. When I look back it was just wanting to be a different person, look a different way and be in another world. Perhaps it was a kind of aspiration. As a child you don't really realise it. As an adult it's more wanting to be in a higher place, better place and having some amazing talent that everyone notices and admires. I guess it's an adult form of it!

@Treesnbirds meant to tag!

Not at all

Use the other hours well? Meet friends, cook, garden, sing, enjoy nature ... the list goes on.

I understand. I felt particularly like this in my 20s and 30s. I remember disliking being at gigs or in the audience at a stadium because of the anonymity.
Now I’m in my 50s, this feeling has largely gone. I feel more just good to be alive.

I didn't necessarily want to be 'famous' but I wonder if part of it is the 'you can do whatever you want, if you put your mind to it' mantra a lot of kids are told.
I remember as a teenager my DM being scornful of 'careers' advice at school and telling me that most people have a job, not a career. My expectation was that I'd have a progressive career, earn lots, live in a big house, travel etc.
She was right. No career appeared.

Add in a vision of aspirational lifestyle. In the past, tv, films, books, now social media depicted a life beyond the norm. Ordinary life looks humdrum in comparison.
Then add in regrets at decisions you make when you are younger and it's a recipe for escapism that most of us only get to play out in our heads.

Something similar, traumatic childhood, never reached potential, I actually got decent grades despite never studying. It slightly kills me that if I had actually studied I could have got a clean sweep of A’s (instead of a smattering) but I was disassociating most of my childhood. It does feel like a life of missed opportunities. I don’t want to be extraordinary but I think I could have done better.

It has meant that I make sure DD has opportunities to explore, I want to make sure she does what she really has a passion for so she loves her life, whatever that looks like. I was watching a Netflix documentary about scientists working on the event horizon telescope, I thought they were extraordinary, the sheer passion and investment they had for their area was brilliant.

Do you want to be famous OP or just really good at something and recognised for it?