Friend Dilemma

[tinnedpinapple]

So best friend of ten plus years, getting married this year. Ive organised her hen down to a fine toothcomb (flights, hotel, entertainment, decorations), paid for her flight. Sadly my due date on my first pregnancy falls very shortly after her wedding and as her MOH ive said its probably best I step back.
She said she cant support my pregnancy & I cant talk about it infront of her partner as her partner has children with an ex and its too much for her to handle.
Her other friends have kids and they weren't told they were put on a child talk ban.
She said im not understanding her point of view and im self centered.
We met up to clear the air, said how it wasnt fair for her to blank my pregnancy wishes and unborn there was a loose apology and she said she could support me and was upset I didnt think she could???
She didnt ask for 4 months how me and the baby were and then by the time she did, I didnt want to answer.
Ive activly asked how the planning is going, bands, djs, dresses, flowers, bridal party etc etc.
After me organising this hen for her I had an assumption that she would ask if I wanted a baby shower and ive had nothing......

Am I being self centered for feeling hurt or is it just fair that I let this friendship go.

It’s a bit odd she said she can’t support your pregnancy, what on earth was she thinking she had to do?! She was obviously going through a bad time, but seems a bit insensitive to you. Seems like your chat cleared the air. It is a bit odd you haven’t called or text each other in 4 months though? Were you both trying to avoid each other?

It’s clearly not working at the moment, which is a shame as she cannot avoid every person in her life that has children. Concentrate on your own well being and that of your baby.

It sounds very awkward. You have probably done more than she expected and she can't reciprocate. You may be wise to back off and find support from other friends. Rather than thinking 'I did all that for her and what has she done in return?'.

You've done all that for her and paid for her too, yet she treats you like this? You are her best friend, but she is not yours! She's about to have an amazing wedding but can't be happy for you and is trying to ban you from speaking about your joy ? What a self centered bitch, such shitty behaviour,she seems very bridezilla. Not only would I let the friendship go , I would go and cancel all the plans you've made for her hen do, flights the lot, see how she likes that.

@Revelatio We both knew it was getting frosty & Id rather ignore someones bad behaviour to avoid the conflict. Its not that we didnt talk for four months, its that I was asking how the wedding was etc but it was very much about the wedding and the baby talk was not allowed.

@chattyness Exactly my thoughts - the other bridesmaids have done sweet FA in organizing the hen and since ive stepped down - neither of them have even asked to step up.
Makes me wonder is this a case of you reap what you sow. Maybe theyve had enough of it too.
Thanks for the advice thats what my heads been saying but ive got some friends saying 'can she be a part of your life but not when it comes to kids'
Like having your first child isnt like going for a BBQ in the summer you cant just have someone ignore a baby 😂

@tinnedpinapple
I just think she's treated you so badly & it looks like your friendship will never be the same & if you can't talk about your future children, how can you not? You can't hide them in another room when she comes over and pretend they don't exist just to keep her happy!
You must do what you think is best for you, but if it was me - I would make sure she noticed what a good friend she has lost and cancel the whole shooting match and then erase her from my life. I wouldn't talk about it to mutual friends unless I was asked & then I would tell them the whole truth

Let the friendship go if your friend was a proper friend they would support you no matter what. Your friend sound's very selfish to even say or do that to you.

I would 100% cancel everything I had booked and organised even if it was not refundable 🤣 but I'm petty 🥳✌️

She sounds immature & like she’s going to be a godawful step mother as well.

i’d just back out gracefully of the friendship - if she’s too bridezilla to ask about your pregnancy then she has shown you who she is.

@tinnedpinapple I think you've just been given the biggest get out opportunity of a lifetime, take it and run!
What a horrible, self centred little bitch. You don't need people like that in yours or your baby's life.
I feel sorry for those children who are unfortunately going to have her as a stepmother. Or is her partner not allowed to talk about them either?

Cancel any plans you made for her, even if the money isn't refundable. Irs been spent anyway so it doesn't matter if you can't get it back. Why should she get to enjoy something you have planned when she can't be the friend you thought she was at an exciting time in your life.

Fuck her and her wedding. You are well rid

Seems to me that your friend has husband to be issues if children talk is banned. Maybe she shouldn't be getting married!!!

I would dump her as a friend. She's absolutely awful!

I wouldn't go to the hen do. Have you heard of the sunk cost fallacy? It's where you think you've spent enough so you might as well continue. The thing is that money has gone whether you go on the hen do or not.

I agree agree with the previous poster who said don't discuss it with anyone unless asked but just don't have anything to do with her now.

You've stolen her thunder and she can't bear it; it's an immature response. A good friend would be able to share your good news alongside her own and be willing for the two of you to adjust plans as needed. She'll be disappointed that you won't be able to stand next to her on her big day, sure. But she should not let that disappointment ruin the friendship. I'd let her go - you don't need people who can't be there for you.

She really shouldn't be marrying this man if she can't handle the fact he has children! She's going to make life very difficult for them.
I personally wouldn't be bothered about a baby shower (but you are so fair enough) but I'd be very hurt by her attitude towards me and by pregnancy.

This! She wants to be yhe centre of attention and fears your pregnancy and baby steal the limelight.
She is no friend.

She's not a true friend at all, she can't even acknowledge your baby. I would have expected her to throw a tiny baby shower for me too, especially when you've been helping her with her hen and wedding plans. She sounds jealous that you're ahead of her in your journey. I'd take a massive step back, and focus on making mummy friends from baby groups.

I cannot understand what has happened here. Why on earth has she banned you from talking about your pregnancy and baby? What??
That seems really outlandish and I'm wondering how on earth she could make such a request with a straight face. I mean that's horrible and bizarre behaviour isn't it?

She said she cant support my pregnancy & I cant talk about it infront of her partner as her partner has children with an ex and its too much for her to handle.

This makes no sense to me at all. It seems ridiculous.

Does her partner not see his children? Bc otherwise surely he/they talk about them? Are they trying for a baby themselves? Infertility issues?

@MalibuBarbieDreamHouse
I know. Without any further detail into her reasoning behind her request it just seems weird.

Reading between the lines, when she says her husband to be has children already, does that mean he’s told her they won’t be having children of their own? In which case I can understand her being a bit sensitive around pregnancy if she’s battling with her own feelings about this and just articulating it to you really badly.

I’m not excusing her behaviour, just trying to understand it. Perhaps she’s trying to avoid talking about pregnancy/children because she doesn’t want to think about how much it’s what she wants, and is throwing herself into the wedding talk to try to distract herself and avoid coming to the realisation that marrying this man might be a mistake.

I could be completely wrong - can you shed any more light on this possibility OP?

This is what I thought too. However, if she is desperate for children and he has said he won’t then she should not be marrying him.

I agree with others that it's the limelight she's annoyed about. Maybe I'm hoping it is because of not then her poor step kids to be. Does she spend tine with them? Also what is your actual issue around it all? But yeah I'd cancel the hen and forget her

I lost a lot of jealous friends during my first pregnancy but have gained so many really amazing new mum friends since. I had two baby showers organised by different friendship groups (during my second pregnancy) and they even organised a meal train for the first 3 months so that I wouldn't worry about cooking. You honestly deserve better friends than the one you have mentioned. Sometimes you want to hold on to them because of how long you have been friends, but she's already kind of let you go anyway by not accepting your child. I think you should amicably cut all ties