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Original poster

Partner still paying mortgage and child maintenance which is stopping us from buying

373 replies

Mammacool84 · 30/07/2023 15:48

Hey there,

hoping I can get some advice or guidance- my partner and I have been together over 4 years we now have a beautiful 3 month old and we are in a rented house. My partner owns a house from a previous relationship where he has two lovely children and pays child maintenance. Thing is I want my little boy to have his own room and a house that is ours but all my partners money is tired up in the house he owns with his ex and he says he can’t sell until his two kids are 18!! But this is stopping us from getting a property which I think is so unfair - I don’t get child maintenance etc why should his ex have maintenance and a massive house???!!! I feel like I am paying for his exs lifestyle and kids - why can’t they downsize so his ex can get a solo mortgage? Any suggestions? Thank you in advance

OP posts:
YoSof · 30/07/2023 18:21

TwinsPlusAnotherOne · 30/07/2023 18:03

Yeah, the expectation the kids mother would actually take some financial responsibility for housing herself.

Not a free loading ex girlfriend who doesn't pay her own mortgage and claims maintenance on top. So what if she she has two kids. It's being ignored that OP has one, that is no less important. That child should have a stable home bought by both it's parents. Not just the children that simply happened to appear first. And that's on the spineless boyfriend and the grabby ex.

Why should OP have to fund her own home whilst simultaneously the ex has to pay nothing for the house she lives in? The ex needs to grow up and pay for her own living expenses, not free load off her ex, at the expense of a third child, with this batshit entitlement because she happened to give birth first.

Show quote history

You’re assuming the ex pays nothing.

The youngest child is suitably housed. The OP is even in a position to buy a house herself, the issue is she wants a five bedroom house!

ModeWeasel · 30/07/2023 18:21

So he left his ex to get together with when their youngest child was only one year old?!?

If I was you OP I would be making sure I had a financial contingency plan including savings and a career in case history repeats. Leopards, spots etc.

StopStartStop · 30/07/2023 18:26

Mammacool84 · 30/07/2023 16:16

To confirm I DO NOT rely on him financially. I am the bread winner

Check your life in case you are being very, very foolish.

HermioneKipper · 30/07/2023 18:28

Oh dear. You really should’ve sorted these issues before having a baby with him.

This is why i wouldn’t have touched a bloke with kids with a barge pole

tootallfortheshelf · 30/07/2023 18:28

YarisKaris · 30/07/2023 17:42

Why would you get child maintenance off your partner who still lives with you Confused

she has other baby daddies?

ChiPawPrint · 30/07/2023 18:29

Just because OPs partner left his ex when his youngest was a baby, doesn't mean it's going to happen again. Talk about jumping to conclusions.

3rdtm · 30/07/2023 18:30

I second what everyone else is saying.

If you have children with a man that already has children from a previous relationship, you and your children have to share financial resources with his first children and also his ex wife in your specific case.

You're actually in a strong position, you have money to buy your own little house and be the only one on the mortgage.

This will give you a bit advantage in the future, should the relationship fail.

Elfandwellbeing · 30/07/2023 18:30

Buy the house you can afford and forget a contribution from him. His children have a home and don’t need you to provide one.

Samquees · 30/07/2023 18:32

Mammacool84 · 30/07/2023 16:09

i earn my own money - I have a deposit for a small house but not own to accommodate a 5 person family - I want all children to have their own bedrooms…is that fair??

If you have the resources then do this! You want him to be contributing right now, but you may one day be glad you have your own place which you can afford.

I don’t think you’ve said how often he has his children to stay, but if they have to share it’s hardly the end of the world. It’s also up to him - if he is happy for that to be the compromise then so be it. Everything does not have to be “perfect” for the children - and having own bedrooms doesn’t necessarily make it so. If you can see the next 5 years or so ahead there’s no point worrying about what might be going on in a decade’s time and they can easily share for that length of time.

Trying to unpick the arrangement he has with his ex at this stage in the game is hugely unfair. She may well not be in a position to pay or get a big mortgage on her own - and just because she put herself in a vulnerable position buying with someone she wasn’t married to, doesn’t mean you need to exacerbate the situation. You may find yourself similarly vulnerable one day… Any change he proposes in their arrangement should be well thought out and implemented over a period of time, and because it’s viable for him/ex and their children - not so his new girlfriend can have what she wants.

If you wanted to be with someone who was going to contribute equally to the big dream house you want, then you needed to be with an unencumbered high earner - not a guy who owns a house with an ex and has two young children.

Take advantage of your own financial position and set yourself up so you have a good amount of security in you and your child’s living situation going forward. Be grateful you have the opportunity to do that and stop fretting over what you don’t have.

AsterixAndPersimmon · 30/07/2023 18:32

YoSof · 30/07/2023 18:21

You’re assuming the ex pays nothing.

The youngest child is suitably housed. The OP is even in a position to buy a house herself, the issue is she wants a five bedroom house!

Show quote history

Because she wants to accommodate her partner children coming EOW though….
which most people on MN would say is not negotiable because it’s their house too.

Hankunamatata · 30/07/2023 18:32

You knew he was tied to the house until his kids are 18 before having a baby. If stop thinking of it as funding their lifestyle but an investment in a property. Assuming he is either paying half mortgage and will get half the equity or he is paying all the mortgage and will get all the equity. I hope he has this all legally written up

VanGoghsDog · 30/07/2023 18:33

ConnieTucker · 30/07/2023 18:09

Read all op’s posts again. The only thing she has said that he is paying is maintenance.

Show quote history

Literally in the thread title...

SpainToday · 30/07/2023 18:35

If you have children with a man that already has children from a previous relationship, you and your children have to share financial resources with his first children and also his ex wife in your specific case.

@3rdtm i don’t think the op would have a problem with sharing resources, it’s just that at present all her dp’s resources are funding the first family, there is currently no sharing going on!

blueshoes · 30/07/2023 18:35

SaleOfTwoTitties · 30/07/2023 17:57

Sounds like you're well and truly being taken for a mug then, op.
His asset will increase in value. You are the breadwinner, you say, which implies you are paying current rent and bills. When/if he leaves you, he gets his lump sum from the property and you have no claim. Nice.

I agree with this.

It is unfair to you and your son and you are indeed partially subsidising him and his ex's + 2 kids' lifestyle by allowing him to live rent and expenses-free whilst you slog to pay for all 3 of you, with no assets at the end of it.

He has done well for himself in finding you. Now to right the balance.

If he won't sell his existing property with ex, then you have to buy your own property. Ask him to either contribute to your mortgage or contribute to rent. He also needs to go half on expenses. How he funds that is his problem (maybe he will have to sell the house or get a (better-paying) job) but these are the terms.

Bear in mind you are not asking for backpayments here nor asking for a 5 bed house, so you are already letting him off lightly. Don't let him guilt you into paying more for his freeloading ass.

grunttheterrible · 30/07/2023 18:36

I hope to god I'm projecting here OP, but ex left me and DD in a rented house, quickly got new GF pregnant and told her he couldn't contribute at all as he was still paying our "mortgage" and maintenance. There was no mortgage or maintenance and I was a walkover paying for everything during the pregnancy because of his lies about an ex leaving him in lots of debt. When GF dumped him and connected with me so DD could have a relationship with her sibling she was mortified (and I could prove with bank statements I paid the rent and received nothing) He's obviously moved on again and has another baby with new GF who won't even acknowledge me at handovers, prob because she's heard I fleece him and he can't (wont) contribute for their baby

I hope I'm reaching but even if everything you believe is true, use your breadwinner status to house yourself and your son. It's up to him to worry about how to house the children with his ex- I suspect he still has a little disposable income as how would he be affording to live if he hadn't met a new breadwinner

HunterHearstHelmsley · 30/07/2023 18:37

@Mammacool84 In your shoes, I'd use my money as a deposit for my own house. Your partner could stay with you, but make it clear legally that he is a lodger and has no ownership or stake in the property. If there isn't enough space for his other children, he will have to resolve that.

AsterixAndPersimmon · 30/07/2023 18:37

Well yes I hope everything has been written down and is legally all organised!

Tbh I think that her DP has been very keen on giving as much as he could out of guilt but has put himself in a crap position.
The usual situation is that the ex is staying in the house until the dcs are 18yo IF the other party can also house themselves - aka buy a house. The fact she is BOTH staying in the house and he is paying the mortgage is unusual tbh.

Maybe a review is in order but I would assuming that this is the situation and that it won’t change.
id also advise the OP to be savvy with how she is buying a house. Because I doubt that her DP will do the same mistake if they separate. And she would be the one Wo a house.

Riapia · 30/07/2023 18:38

You’ll get no sensible responses on here OP.
MN rule No 85 all second wives/partners are detested and should be forced to live in poverty and shame. No exceptions.

Riapia · 30/07/2023 18:40

Oh, and all previous wives/ partners must be presumed to be innocent and without fault.

FKATondelayo · 30/07/2023 18:44

LOL at all the posters going "well of course the (lazy/freeloading) ex should agree to selling the house and buy her own". Like it's her problem to solve and like she's going to give up a private financial arrangement because some internet randoms are annoyed by it.

Blossomtoes · 30/07/2023 18:44

I’m a second wife. I think OP walked into this situation with her eyes wide open and is now consumed with jealousy for the ex. The moral of this tale is stay away from men who already have children.

lunar1 · 30/07/2023 18:44

You can't control what other people do, only yourself. You have a deposit and can afford a mortgage on a small house, buy it, in your name only.

It's a perfect safe haven for you and your DS. Your partner is responsible for making arrangements for his dc, it doesn't mean you can't buy something big enough for a small family.

Mayhem3 · 30/07/2023 18:44

No he should absolutely not be paying both her mortgage and maintenance, that’s ridiculous!

I assume she can’t afford to buy him out/manage the mortgage on her own?

He needs to tell her that he’ll either pay maintenance or the mortgage. He cannot pay both and I’m surprised he has any money left over for himself.

Tbh though OP I can’t see him stopping it and I think you’re going have to decide what’s more important, him or owning your own home with your son.

TwinsPlusAnotherOne · 30/07/2023 18:46

She may well not be in a position to pay or get a big mortgage on her own Like OP, so why should only the ex girlfriend be prioritised?

and just because she put herself in a vulnerable position buying with someone she wasn’t married to, doesn’t mean you need to exacerbate the situation. It's the same as OPs situation

You may find yourself similarly vulnerable one day… like now you mean, but apparently only an ex girlfriend needs housing, not a current one

Any change he proposes in their arrangement should be well thought out and implemented over a period of time, and because it’s viable for him/ex and their children - not so his new girlfriend can have what she wants.

A change needs to happen so the ex girlfriend actually continues to receive the maintenance she is due, but rightfully houses herself instead of living off her ex boyfriend.

AcrossthePond55 · 30/07/2023 18:46

@Mammacool84

To quote SuperChicken to his sidekick; "You knew the job was dangerous when you took it".

I assume you knew his financial obligations when you moved in together and that you gave them serious thought when you decided to have a child with him. If you didn't, then more fool you. If you did and expected him to change on his own or demanded he change and he said no, well, then again more fool you. He feels he's doing 'the right thing' apparently.

If he's too cowardly to tell the ex that their prior arrangement isn't working anymore or if they have a legal agreement (ie he says he 'can't' sell rather than 'won't' sell), then that's a whole other problem. But again, not one you can do anything about.

I'm not saying who is right or wrong, but the bottom line is that he doesn't have to change to suit you as long as his child with you is adequately housed and cared for. And that child is adequately housed, even if it's 'just' a rental. If you don't like it, then ask him to leave so you can buy yourself a nice 2 or 3 bed house in order to meet YOUR obligations, housing yourself and your child.

Personally 'as a breadwinner', I would never have let him move in with such heavy financial obligations in the first place. Reason number 11343592 to never get involved with a person who has children.