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Original poster

Partner still paying mortgage and child maintenance which is stopping us from buying

373 replies

Mammacool84 · 30/07/2023 15:48

Hey there,

hoping I can get some advice or guidance- my partner and I have been together over 4 years we now have a beautiful 3 month old and we are in a rented house. My partner owns a house from a previous relationship where he has two lovely children and pays child maintenance. Thing is I want my little boy to have his own room and a house that is ours but all my partners money is tired up in the house he owns with his ex and he says he can’t sell until his two kids are 18!! But this is stopping us from getting a property which I think is so unfair - I don’t get child maintenance etc why should his ex have maintenance and a massive house???!!! I feel like I am paying for his exs lifestyle and kids - why can’t they downsize so his ex can get a solo mortgage? Any suggestions? Thank you in advance

OP posts:
quietnightmare · 30/07/2023 18:49

He either needs his ex to sell and he pays maintenance

Or he pays his share of the mortgage and no maintenance (aslong as it's the same or more than he should pay for maintenance)

SpainToday · 30/07/2023 18:51

A change needs to happen so the ex girlfriend actually continues to receive the maintenance she is due, but rightfully houses herself instead of living off her ex boyfriend.

This

TwinsPlusAnotherOne · 30/07/2023 18:51

grunttheterrible · 30/07/2023 18:36

I hope to god I'm projecting here OP, but ex left me and DD in a rented house, quickly got new GF pregnant and told her he couldn't contribute at all as he was still paying our "mortgage" and maintenance. There was no mortgage or maintenance and I was a walkover paying for everything during the pregnancy because of his lies about an ex leaving him in lots of debt. When GF dumped him and connected with me so DD could have a relationship with her sibling she was mortified (and I could prove with bank statements I paid the rent and received nothing) He's obviously moved on again and has another baby with new GF who won't even acknowledge me at handovers, prob because she's heard I fleece him and he can't (wont) contribute for their baby

I hope I'm reaching but even if everything you believe is true, use your breadwinner status to house yourself and your son. It's up to him to worry about how to house the children with his ex- I suspect he still has a little disposable income as how would he be affording to live if he hadn't met a new breadwinner

I hate to say it, but this was my first thought too.

Not many people would be stupid enough to not securely house themselves, their partner, and child, because they were voluntarily bankrolling an ex girlfriend's housing costs. Not the children's, he already pays the correct maintenance, he's apparently paying hers at the expense of his family. She wasn't his wife either.

It sounds suspect.

Imsureitsprobablymebut · 30/07/2023 18:52

What did you bring to the relationship?

ConnieTucker · 30/07/2023 18:54

Imsureitsprobablymebut · 30/07/2023 18:52

What did you bring to the relationship?

A higher paying job.
a deposit for a house.

what did her partner bring?

AsterixAndPersimmon · 30/07/2023 18:56

Imsureitsprobablymebut · 30/07/2023 18:52

What did you bring to the relationship?

RTFT
She is the bread winner….

So no she isn’t living off a poor man whilst doing nothing.

Im amazed at the automatic assumptions, on MN of all places, that women are automatically low wage, no money they earn themselves etc…

grunttheterrible · 30/07/2023 18:57

Thanks @TwinsPlusAnotherOne. I don't want to be the cynical partner number 1 (and I'm sure he has other kids before mine...) but it just feels all kinds of wrong. I wouldn't blame Op for walking into it believing and now starting to question as I did that too, but why would he be so committed to his existing kids but be fine ro not commit the his new child?

amiold · 30/07/2023 19:02

You have a few options op

  1. Suck it up. You knew the score.
  1. Move out. Buy the small house you can afford for you and your child. Forget trying to house anyone else's. Claim your share of maintenance.
  1. Buy a house and let him live with you and his kids stay over and share a room because you can't afford to buy bigger and his funds are tied.

I'd be interested to know if his ex is on the mortgage or he is just using her to live in the house to build his assets (yes he is paying out but all the bills etc she will pay before he whips it from beneath her when kids are 18) and living with you while you're the "breadwinner" so assumably contributing more.

blueshoes · 30/07/2023 19:05

grunttheterrible · 30/07/2023 18:36

I hope to god I'm projecting here OP, but ex left me and DD in a rented house, quickly got new GF pregnant and told her he couldn't contribute at all as he was still paying our "mortgage" and maintenance. There was no mortgage or maintenance and I was a walkover paying for everything during the pregnancy because of his lies about an ex leaving him in lots of debt. When GF dumped him and connected with me so DD could have a relationship with her sibling she was mortified (and I could prove with bank statements I paid the rent and received nothing) He's obviously moved on again and has another baby with new GF who won't even acknowledge me at handovers, prob because she's heard I fleece him and he can't (wont) contribute for their baby

I hope I'm reaching but even if everything you believe is true, use your breadwinner status to house yourself and your son. It's up to him to worry about how to house the children with his ex- I suspect he still has a little disposable income as how would he be affording to live if he hadn't met a new breadwinner

Yes, cunning thoughts, Twins This could be the case

OP, you can do a public search against the property at the HM Land Registry. It will show you the person who is on the title deeds and whether the property is mortgaged and to which bank.

If neither he nor his ex is on the title deeds or there is no mortgage, the property is likely rented and he has been pulling the wool over your eyes financially.

PassTheSnacks · 30/07/2023 19:05

Mammacool84 · 30/07/2023 15:54

The children with his are 5 and 8

So you got together with him when his kids were one year old and four year old? How old was the baby when he left?

Rightly still provides 50% of the cost of housing and supporting them, as he should. And you got together with him and decided to have another child knowing he already had financial responsibilities and had not made plans in advance of conceiving another child regarding how you'd support it without disadvantaging the existing children?

Nice one.

Custardslices · 30/07/2023 19:05

Bizzare this wasn't a problem when you were getting pregnant. Did he lie to you then?

SouthernLassies · 30/07/2023 19:06

I'd be interested to know if his ex is on the mortgage or he is just using her to live in the house to build his assets

This is false economics.

There is no guarantee the house will increase in value and there may even be a housing market crash. Prices are falling at the moment. He could end up in negative equity.

WasJuliaRight · 30/07/2023 19:06

In the 4+ years has the subject of his financial commitments never been discussed before now? You’re with a man who is standing by his commitments. I’d rather that than a guy who doesn’t contribute at all.

I’ve noticed is that you have been together over 4 years and has a 5 year old. He doesn’t waste much time.

NewName122 · 30/07/2023 19:07

He could sell but doesn't want to as he wants his kids to stay in their home until they are grown up. Sounds like a decent dad.

PassTheSnacks · 30/07/2023 19:07

Maybe the ex should buy her own house? You can’t just be supported by a man forever because you popped out some kids

Presumably they jointly "popped out" their children. He is supporting the children, not his ex.

ostwest · 30/07/2023 19:08

Mammacool84 · 30/07/2023 16:16

To confirm I DO NOT rely on him financially. I am the bread winner

...so you got yourself a cocklodger! 🏅

PassTheSnacks · 30/07/2023 19:09

It makes no odds if OP was the other woman, this isnt a moral issue its a practical one

Of course it is a moral issue: you provide for the children you have first and only have more if you can afford it. You shouldn't have more children if you can't support them without causing further damage to children you have already.

853ax · 30/07/2023 19:13

I think your expectations that all children have own room is the problem.
If you were to change this could you afford a 2 or 3 bed house?

popgoesthecat2 · 30/07/2023 19:13

PassTheSnacks · 30/07/2023 19:09

It makes no odds if OP was the other woman, this isnt a moral issue its a practical one

Of course it is a moral issue: you provide for the children you have first and only have more if you can afford it. You shouldn't have more children if you can't support them without causing further damage to children you have already.

What a ridiculous argument. Once they are here all children are equal and must be treated as such by both parents, no matter who came first or the situation between the parents. By your logic the eldest children should get the most and best of everything as they were here first.

BlastedIce · 30/07/2023 19:17

popgoesthecat2 · 30/07/2023 19:13

What a ridiculous argument. Once they are here all children are equal and must be treated as such by both parents, no matter who came first or the situation between the parents. By your logic the eldest children should get the most and best of everything as they were here first.

Show quote history

That’s not what PP said, she said you only have as many children as you can afford. Of course that’s right.

we had 2, would’ve loved 4, but we knew we wouldn’t be able to give 3&4 the same as 1&2, because we wouldn’t be able to afford too.

TwinsPlusAnotherOne · 30/07/2023 19:18

PassTheSnacks · 30/07/2023 19:07

Maybe the ex should buy her own house? You can’t just be supported by a man forever because you popped out some kids

Presumably they jointly "popped out" their children. He is supporting the children, not his ex.

No, the maintenance it supporting his children.

This isn't an ex-wife with a divorce settlement or mesher order. This is an ex girlfriend, and he's voluntarily bankrolling her housing costs. Again, he's covered the kids element with the maintenance he already pays.

OP needs to see documents that this isn't some cock and bulk story, because it sure smells like one. I would second a check on the land registry.

Epidote · 30/07/2023 19:19

ostwest · 30/07/2023 19:08

...so you got yourself a cocklodger! 🏅

Show quote history

This in bold.

TwinsPlusAnotherOne · 30/07/2023 19:20

PassTheSnacks · 30/07/2023 19:09

It makes no odds if OP was the other woman, this isnt a moral issue its a practical one

Of course it is a moral issue: you provide for the children you have first and only have more if you can afford it. You shouldn't have more children if you can't support them without causing further damage to children you have already.

Yeah, to a degree.

He probably shouldn't have had more kids. But he did. So now they are here, that's done, and they are equally important.

popgoesthecat2 · 30/07/2023 19:20

Yes @BlastedIce but the children are here, living and breathing now. You can't turn back time or put children back into the womb.

Whatever 'immoral' decisions happened in the past, it doesn't mean the third child is entitled to less than the other two, just because they were born first. They are not entitled to more finances, support or attention, just because their father should have considered whether he could afford a third child before third child was conceived. Whatever happened in the past, all three child now have to be provided for equally.

AutumnCrow · 30/07/2023 19:20

TwinsPlusAnotherOne · 30/07/2023 18:51

I hate to say it, but this was my first thought too.

Not many people would be stupid enough to not securely house themselves, their partner, and child, because they were voluntarily bankrolling an ex girlfriend's housing costs. Not the children's, he already pays the correct maintenance, he's apparently paying hers at the expense of his family. She wasn't his wife either.

It sounds suspect.

Show quote history

It may well be projection from @grunttheterrible - but there are plenty of salutary tales on MN from posters who have been told a right crock of pants by their partners, and/or who know that their Ex's new partners are being fed exaggerated or inaccurate information about 'the crazy ex stitching them up'.

Look after yourself, OP - look after your best financial interests for you and your baby, and stay alert.

And @grunttheterrible - sorry you've had to go through all that.