Husband responsibilities??

[mcm]

Ok so you have heard it all before. I am returning to work next week having arranged for my mother to mind DS, am very emotional at the moment. I had arranged for Mother to mind DS for a weekend away with my DH's buddies,(both of us getting away together albeit with his buddies and theri wives!)I have had to ask for time off already to mind DS as mother coming back on Monday. (and take 2 of my annual leave weeks also to make sure that the baby was looked after) DH has decided that as I could be working, he will now consider going away to do a security weekend instead. He has already used one of his weeks annual leave for this purpose, telling me about it when it was arranged, he automatically assumed that I, as I have nothing else to do will always make the arrangements!! I asked who would mind the baby if I was working and he actually turned around to say...oh I forgot about him!!
Now, maybe I am very naive (?sp) but he is very well able to arrange for him to go out, take this weekend, another outing with his buddies, I jokinly suggested that I could go for a change and he could babysit, but "he is expected" to attend (which of course he is) I just wanted to see if he would make any suggestions, he did...why don't you phone someone up and get them to sit with the baby?? Anyone???? I asked. Our DS is 5 months old!!!! No well he meant (he said) when the baby was older about 4/5yrs, he would not mind a babysitter. (well neither would I but right now... My Mum is away at the moment and I am very reluctant to leave DS with strangers.
Am I being unreasonable to expect some consideration from my DH???? I actually do not have a problem staying at home myself, it is the principle of the thing that I would naturally be the one to sort out babyminding etc etc.
I am getting increasingly annoyed with DH about a range of things and am fully aware that a lot of it will probably end up being my fault!!

I think it becomes a fact of life that because the mother is the stay at home carer for the first few months of the baby's life, she will then continue that role for evermore. I am very much like you that I don't mind my husband going out and doing things (to be honest I enjoy the peace sometimes) but if I ever need to go anywhere the childcare arrangements fall on me. First I have to check if he is busy (he never checks with me when he makes his own arrangements), then I have to make sure that everything is done for the children before I go and he has to receive payment (ie. takeaway meal or new DVD) to compensate. If we both want to go somewhere then I have to arrange childcare - again I trust very few people and wouldn't want my kids to wake up to a stranger, so it generally means my mum. To be honest its more trouble than its worth so I often just don't go out.

DH also hates his job and has suggested more than once that he gives up his job and becomes a SAHD and that I go out to work full time. I don't think he has any comprehension of what is involved with staying at home full time. I did a stall one day in summer and he forgot to give the kids any tea. When I went home at 6pm I found the breakfast dishes still on the dining table, he'd been asleep on the sofa whilst the kids did 'whatever'! I really should get a regular weekend job so that he learns to appreciate me more!

I can only quote somebody elses brilliant posting recently "I became a single mother, he became an Uncle".
I know exactly how you feel. I feel like I'm awful for complaining about dh because he is actually v. good - he just doesn't think. I have to organise our lives completely, then tell him what he is expected to do. This then leads to me being a nag - and I really don't want to go down that route, having seen my parents married ruined by my Mum treating Dad as another one of the kids.
I have tried to sort this by making sure that dh understands exactly what my problem is (ie having to be the responsible one) and tempering my criticism with lots of praise for what he does do. We have agreed that neither of us says Yes to something without checking with the other first, and sit down at the beginning of every week and sort out the next two weeks diary together. I'm not sure yet whether it is working or not

Sorry to disappoint you all but even if your dh was a SAHD (as mine is) you would still have to arrange childcare for nights out. Whenever we go out, it is always up to me to ask the babysitters (including his mum!). However, I get my own back by making sure he picks-up/drops-off the kids/babysitters (some journeys are a 3-hour round trip). I think it's just a "men" thing and they have no problem ringing up their mates arranging nights out! I've learnt to live with it, although I did get very annoyed in the beginning.

Just realised it was Soupdragon I was quoting - and it was such a brilliant line (already used to great effect on dh) that she deserves a namecheck.

Prufrock, if my DH doesn't want to be treated like one of the kids, he shouldn't behave like the older teenagers they're going to grow into!

PamT, My DH doesn't check I'm going to be around to "babysit" when he arranges time out either. And I agree, they'd get a truly nasty shock if they became SAHDs. It's not all coffee mornings and Mumsnet! My DH gets wound up by the boy's behaviour after he's been home for just half an hour - they'd be in fulltime nursery and he'd be back to work within a fortnight!!

I don't have a problem with him going out per se, it's the complete lack of consideration that gets me. He's going away on business from Thursday to Sunday inclusive. He was out last night at a work thing and cancelled another thing for this evening. Today he tells me he's going to try to take Wednesday off or at least the afternoon. "Oh, how lovely" I thought. Except it's to play golf with a friend. Sometimes it just seems that no one in this family actually thinks about me, even I don't get time to do that very often! And no, I can't say anything because a) I cry when I get angry and that puts actoss the wrong message and b) I'd be nagging. Obviously.

And yes, it's me who has to arrange baby sitters.

On a lighter note - who would we complain about if we didnt have DHs around? At least they serve one useful purpose

Thanks Prufrock! Can't say I dare use it on DH just yet though. He seems to be of the opinon that I object to him enjoying himself. Which is half true - I object to him enjoying himself at my expense!

Maybe I should print off these threads and post them to him...

How funny SoupDragon, that is exactly it!! He can arrange to meet his pals or go off for a week or a weekend without any regard for me or the baby. Well that is how is seems. I actually think that now I come a poor second to the baby too, only ahead of him as I can mind myself!!!
Not once in the past year has he suggested that we might go away together just the two of us, don't mind that, even a dinner out would be good! (my Mother or either of my sisters have gladly offered to mind DS) and when he did suggest that we go away all three of us (which incidently, was quite nice in spite of all child care falling on me!!!,)he told me about it the day before, now he had mentioned it months before hand and then it was well, will we go to Dad's caravan tomorrow then??????
I am, luckily, a fairly adaptable woman, what woman is not,? but he did not know what we might need to take with us for a small to a caravan on the west coast for 5 nights???? I am not even sure if he realised that the baby had been weaned???!!!
I did not even have a sleeping bag for me...he had his own one!!!then he wondered why it was taking me so long to get organised, I mean I was only making sure that we had clothes to wear and bring food etc.. nothing important!!!!
Speaking of his holidays...I have been off for all of my maternity leave (including 2 months unpaid leave, almost 6 months!!) and no holidays (of his)had been mentioned until he was asked if he could go on this boys camp thing..then guess what??? 2 weeks were requested and got very very fast???? He wonders why I get so mad???? I have to repeat that I have had to take two weeks leave before I ever go back to work to mind DS!!!!(Don't really mind that, honestly, as it has delayed my returning ot work briefly!!:-)
He does incidently make rather a good Uncle!!(as his sisters can testify to too!) I am not so good at the Single mother thing but think that I am growing into it!!! very fast!!!

Caravans! Thats a whole new story. DH hit the roof when he saw everything that I had put out to take on our caravan holiday this year. He doesn't seem to understand that children go through at least one change of clothes a day on holiday multiply by 3 children over 10 days equals lots of clothes. Then they have to take toys, buckets and spades, bikes, shoes, coats and activities for all sorts of english weather. DH thinks that you just pack a bag and off we go! And being stuck in a caravan is no holiday either - at least at home I have a dishwasher, automatic washing machine and microwave. DH told DS1 that he would have to do the drying up after meals this time - to give mum a break. Who did all the washing up whilst a certain idle so and so put his feet up? I couldn't get home soon enough! Sorry rant over, I'm sure he's got his good points (if I look hard enough)

Anyone who has read my posts knows my feelings on this. Men, expletive, expletive, xxxx, xxxx, xxxx.
Actually, the thought of another 18 years of this makes me seriously depressed. Anyone else feel as if they just can't hack it?

Droile - ALL the time!! I overslept this morning, was doing the rushing round lke a headless chicken routine. DH gets out his excercise thingy!! DS2 not dressed, neither son has had breakfast and he's faffing around with a sodding excercise machine!!!!! I asked - none too politely by this time, it must be said - why he was messing around when the children weren't ready, and could he sort out DS2? So what does he do? The wounded puppy, you only had to ask, why are you so horrible routine!!!!!! I've said this before, WHY should I have to ask? WHY can't he just see it needs doing and bloody well do it?!!!! Yeah, I feel like a single mum with a lodger 99% of the time!

This sounds so familiar! On the rare occasions dh has looked after our dds on his own, I always return to complete chaos, with children underfed and over-excited. I went to do the weekly food shop on Sunday on my own (not really my idea of time off for myself!) and returned to find dh and dd1 playing out in the road in the pouring rain, with dd wearing only a jumper and tights!!? Where had her skirt gone? Perhaps I'm just too fussy. (Explanation : she wanted to take it off...)

Droile - ditto. Especially as am fast being surrounded by mates with or pregnant with a second sprog. Yes, in theory I don't want ds to be an only child - but I also have absolutely no desire to make my life any harder than it already is as I often wonder if I'm really cut out for this motherhood lark. Realise that once sprogs are older (18 maybe?) they might actually spend some time entertaining each other and be less demanding than just one - however they could end up like two brothers I know who have hated each other from the moment they were able to contemplate the emotion and spent most of their younger years trying to maim or just murder each other. Even now as adults they still behave like two arsey young stags.
Also ditto on male of the species comments. What gives them the right to do so much less and then act as though they've performed brain surgery when they finally change a sodding nappy? Mine has a wonderful habit of either sleeping in for hours or - and this gets me even more - lying in bed and watching breakfast news for ages while I get breakfast, feed the cats, wash up, put a wash on, etc etc.
But then there are the days when ds tells me that I am "the best boy in the world" and he loves me "to the moon and back" - and you start thinking maybe it does get better and is worth it. But only just.

Mel, its because men don't think! They are only capable of thinking of one thing at a time and of only doing one thing at a time. If we start to tell them what to do we are nagging and giving them a hard time so you can't really win.

Just been reading these posts in amazement. Why do you put up with such c**p?
Next time a night out for either of you is mentioned, give your DH the babysitter list and tell him tp find one. Make it clear if one is not found its your turn to go out alone

I feel awful.. I have a wonderful dh who gets up with kids in the morning, breakfasts them etc and sometimes if it is the childminder day (my one extravagence!!) he will do it all and leave me in bed, and bring them in to say goodbye before he takes them there.
He never arranges nights out etc without asking me about it and often arranges babysitters.
My two complaints is that when he has them they watch a little too much tv and eat too many fish fingers. Not much to complain about.
i put it down to me having been so ill, first time with PND, second time with kidney stones / infections etc. He's had to be Mummy as well as Daddy for a chunk of time and he APPRECIATES what I do.
I am goiing now before I become the target of some very nasty looks lol!

willow2, re the motherhood lark, I agree, it's scary. I'm going through a 'crap at it' phase since ds2 arrived and suddenly, many of my own mum's past misdemeanors seem totally understandable. Strewth.

Ooooh I've just been reading Misconceptions by Naomi Wolf and I could get really feisty on this subject. She talks about how she and all her friends thought they had equal relationships with men who were their best friends, who agreed with their feminism, who were supposedly new men and still family dynamics changed once a baby came along.

For example, why does childcare often come out of the woman's salary? (if she goes out to work - I fell for this one, long ago). Why do men who do anything to do with looking after their offspring get a medal from their families/those around them? Why is childcare poorly paid and undervalued?

Naomi Wolf says the latter is because daycare centres and professional childminders are competing with the ultimate slave labour: mothers. She has a point I think. If most men had to pay someone to do all the things that the average partner/wife does for them in a day they wouldn't be able to afford it. And the survey I'm always banging on about (men who do housework/childcare get more sex) is mentioned in the book so I will find it and post a link!

My dp is a fairly equal partner in that he does wash, cook, clean, wash up, shop, look after ds (who isn't even his) etc etc. But I do go on about it and point it out PDQ if I think he's not pulling his weight so I think doing it is easier than listening to me going on about it. I do worry about how/if that would change if we suddenly had a newborn and I was at home. Would he consider that he works (outside the home) and therefore needs his sleep when I don't? Would he appreciate that being at home with a child/children is every bit as demanding/hard work as going into an office? Hmmm. We'll see.

Good idea, carriemac. Will try this next time and report back.
I don't know why we put up with it, except that in my case, every time I try to change things, world war 3 breaks out and I get a nasty DH as well as the Uncle Figure.
I don't know the answer, except to bite the drastic bullet and become an actual single mother rather than a virtual one.

Top post, www. I've got this book too. When I met my DH, he was a total feminist! The relationship was egalitarian, otherwise I wouldn't have entertained it. OK, he didn't often wash up or clean, but his sentiments were in the right place and he worked long hours.
I was fooled.

Susanmt - could you hire your DH out to train others??

How much could I get for him do you think?

Difficult to say. Of course, there's always the risk that one of our reprobates will corrupt him...

OOps look what I started and me being relatively new to both mumsnet and motherhood.
there are good and bad days and at the moment it seems that my bad temper is more obvious than my long gone pleasant demeanour!! Living with an "Uncle" figure does not help!!!
Carriemac, in an ideal world every significant other would be just like yours, does he give lessons??
I have found great comfort from mumsnet and it is helping me on a daily basis with what for me has been the biggest shock of my life. No not the baby bit particularly, the having a second child mascarading as my husband and not being able to really tell the difference!!!!
It is reassuring to know that I am not alone or loosing my mind!!
thank you all sooooooooooooooo much!!!

OOps again, that should have read susanmt does your husband give lessons, sorry carrimac, will have to try out your solution carriemac. He has said that he does not minding the baby, which I know he does not, but if he can forget that he even has one when he is planning his time away..................I am a little reluctant to go very far??!!LOL

Glad you are enjoying mumsnet, mcm.
Know what you mean about the big shock.
Hate to be a damp squib, but in my experience, they get worse.