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Husband responsibilities??

55 replies

mcm · 15/10/2002 11:49

Ok so you have heard it all before. I am returning to work next week having arranged for my mother to mind DS, am very emotional at the moment. I had arranged for Mother to mind DS for a weekend away with my DH's buddies,(both of us getting away together albeit with his buddies and theri wives!)I have had to ask for time off already to mind DS as mother coming back on Monday. (and take 2 of my annual leave weeks also to make sure that the baby was looked after) DH has decided that as I could be working, he will now consider going away to do a security weekend instead. He has already used one of his weeks annual leave for this purpose, telling me about it when it was arranged, he automatically assumed that I, as I have nothing else to do will always make the arrangements!! I asked who would mind the baby if I was working and he actually turned around to say...oh I forgot about him!!
Now, maybe I am very naive (?sp) but he is very well able to arrange for him to go out, take this weekend, another outing with his buddies, I jokinly suggested that I could go for a change and he could babysit, but "he is expected" to attend (which of course he is) I just wanted to see if he would make any suggestions, he did...why don't you phone someone up and get them to sit with the baby?? Anyone???? I asked. Our DS is 5 months old!!!! No well he meant (he said) when the baby was older about 4/5yrs, he would not mind a babysitter. (well neither would I but right now... My Mum is away at the moment and I am very reluctant to leave DS with strangers.
Am I being unreasonable to expect some consideration from my DH???? I actually do not have a problem staying at home myself, it is the principle of the thing that I would naturally be the one to sort out babyminding etc etc.
I am getting increasingly annoyed with DH about a range of things and am fully aware that a lot of it will probably end up being my fault!!

OP posts:
mcm · 15/10/2002 23:05

Droile,thank you!! something else in a very long list to get used to then...him getting worse,!!!! the saddest part of all is that he actually is not all that bad, he just does not think...ever! I guess there is counselling though???? For my DH perhaps??
Maybe we could set up an Open University course for the very purpose of training the male of the species??? then maybe not, it would take all their time to get started!!

OP posts:
Clarinet60 · 15/10/2002 23:16

I don't think they'd take the course, mcm.
I think they are perfectly happy just the way they are. Imagine what it must be like to have all your meals cooked, your laundry done, your bath cleaned, your children all bathed and ready for play, so all you have to do is get up, wander to work, wander home, wander out to the gym/pub/mates/golf ...........

Azzie · 16/10/2002 06:14

Well, I must admit that my dh is very good. Right from the start he has wanted to be totally involved with the kids, and he does housework, washing etc too, without being asked. I go away on business for a couple of days about once a month so he is in total charge then, and I think it reminds him how much there is to do and makes him appreciate my contribution (as I do his ... most of the time ).

mcm · 16/10/2002 09:42

Morning all,
I have to agree with you Droile, they would not be able to concentrate for long enough to fill in the form, or else they would expect us to do it and probably attend it and give them a synopsis!!
I am doing a course this year which necessitates me attending 8 weekends over the coming year. My DH has requested that I give him a list so that he will not schedule anything of his around them!! Very good of him, I am sure, but you may be sure that I will not be so lucky to receive one from him about his plans!!
Still not sorted out a babysitter for this weekend and have not been asked how it is going either!!! He may just get a little shock (maybe not!!) when he has to go on his own!!! And I have mentioned that he has DS with or without a hangover on Sunday.....all day!!!!while entertaining his pals from home!!! I seriously do not think he has remembered it!!
I will spend my days off next week sorting out the house!!
I would like to be able to do all that you have mentioned, clothes washed ironed food cooked etc etc... and I imagine it regularly....
When I got particularly mad about the drop in like centre we live in if I do not do the housework, my DH asked what it was he could do to help me?????

OP posts:
Clarinet60 · 16/10/2002 10:50

Hmm, mcm, I recognise that one. DH often walks into the middle of a room (when all is put away, dinner cooked and children dozing) and says, 'what do you want me to do?'

prufrock · 16/10/2002 11:12

and mcm - why should it be helping YOU!
Carriemac. - good idea, but I notice you still have to hand him the babysitter list

SoupDragon · 16/10/2002 11:15

I love this thread! It reminds me that I'm not going mad (as DH suggests) and that he's certainly at least partly at fault.

In his defense, he's not all bad. It's just the things he does "wrong" are the very things that annoy me the most.

Snugs · 16/10/2002 11:41

susanmt - think you and I have the same dh

Similiar situation tho - I was ill after both births so dh had to do all the work and like you said, appreciates what it is like.

He will take them out at the weekend to give me kid-free time and does his fair share of the sleepless nights. Oh and he cooks (sometimes), cleans, launders, shops and does all the ironing.

Oh my god - I married a woman

Catt · 16/10/2002 11:49

You know the worst thing about all this? It's that our dh/dps are succeeding in turning us into exactly what I bet we all vowed we would not become - sour, nagging, bad tempered drudges! I seem to spend a hell of a lot more time seething about the dishwasher that hasn't been emptied or whatever, than laughing and joking or just chatting companionably.

I'm turning into someone I don't like - and it's dh's fault!

susanmt · 16/10/2002 12:02

Snugs lol I married a woman too.
How do you get him to do the ironing, though?

voxy · 16/10/2002 12:58

I got rid of mine. He actually does a lot more now the dust has settled.

Clarinet60 · 16/10/2002 13:18

voxy - got rid of your iron or your man?
Snug - I was ill after the births too - it made not a s**te of difference.

Philippat · 16/10/2002 13:29

I must have married a woman too, he even took off 3 months paternity leave.

I reckon our relationship is actually more equal now than pre-dd, but we are definitely the odd ones out amongst the people I know. Perhaps it's because dh works from home so he can't really miss how much needs doing.

I can't believe how much some of you put up with. I'd have committed murder by now...

bundle · 16/10/2002 14:34

mine is completely anal about tidiness, I'm a bit of a scruf so he ends up doing lots more round the house than me. with dd he expects me to do more than him (I work part time) but I just tell him what needs doing - eg get her some water & a nappy just in case when you take her to the park..otherwise he'd forget! he takes her swimming or to the park most sat/sun mornings so I get some time to myself, but not really a lie-in!

Azzie · 16/10/2002 14:46

My dh is brilliant about most things, he just has a few blind spots.

He is incapable of putting anything back where he got it from. How difficult is it to put the tea bags back in the cupboard just above your head after you've taken one out of the container? And if you put the family's only hairbrush back in the same place every time then you (and everyone else) will always be able to find it...sigh. God knows I am not the world's tidiest by a long chalk, but some days I seem to spend all my time going round mopping up loose items that have just been abandoned somewhere.

His other blind spot is the children's clothes. He seems unable to tell what goes with what colour-wise, and the other day he sent ds to school wearing a pair of socks - unfortunately neither he or ds had noticed that one was ds's sock and one was my sock!

Crunchie · 16/10/2002 17:22

This thread is great I must get dh to read it as you have all said exactly how I feel. They just do not see what needs doing EVER! In 7 years I had kindly asked, mentioned in passing, shouted, thrown things, and ignored his dirty clothes on the floor. They have never, ever found their way into the laundry basket and he doesn't see my problem.

The thing that really really irritates me is the way that it is my fault deliberatly trying to make hiome feel gulty!!

Picture the scenario.

7.30am Sunday morning, baby wakes up, calls for mummy.
7.35am calls becoming yells, I get up and bring baby into bed. No good, she wants to be DOWNSTAIRS!!
7.40 back in bed, baby in fornt of TV!
7.45 3 year old wakes up, come into our room 'I'm hungry'
7.46 pull her into bed with us where she promopty steals my duvet
8.00 finally decide to go and get the paper after being kicked and prodded for the last 15 mins
8.05 back in bed, kids downstairs with dry cereal or raisins in little bags!!
8.06 He wakes up
8.10 MUMMY!!!!!
8.11 MUMMY
8.12 MUMMY CRASH!!! I go and investigate, put them back on the sofa and tell them I'll be down in a minute
8.15 one of them comes up and crawls into bed
8.16 the other one comes up and crawls into bed.
8.16 1/2 they start fighting over who has more of me
8.17 DH rustles the paper as they are making too much noise
8.30 finally give up, get up and go downstairs
9.00 make breakfast
9.30 having made breakfast, that is still on his plate, put the washing on and got the girls dressed I get out the hoover
9.45 He accusses me of not relaxing on a Sunday morning in bed with the paper and deliberately choosing this time to hoover as a way of makeing him feel guilty about still being in bed, and why do I always do this, couldn't I just relax and read the paper, and why am I irritated with him, how dare I suggest that he help as he was just about to do it, but by me asking it has ruined it and etc etc etc

Now Sunday is ruined as he feels cr*p because i did the housework as he laid in bed! Now why does it not occur to him to get up and help before he starts to feel bad!!

Actaully we have managed to alter this scenario a bity, we no longer get both a Saturday morning and sunday paper, and I don't bring it upstairs in teh first place so he has to get up!!! (he still doesn't help with teh housework!)

Sorry about the rant, but it seems I don't have the only man like this.

That said he will arrange babysitting with his mum, and usually checks arrangements with me first!

Bozza · 17/10/2002 09:20

My DH will arrange babysitting with his Mum too - but only if I tell him beforehand exactly what to say and what arrangements to make.

But he does check arrangements. One thing that gets to me is that I take DS to nursery and he picks him up. Occasionally if DH has a late meeting we have to reverse this which means that I have to get to work 1/2 hour early in order to leave in time to get to nursery before it closes. So I get up even earlier than usual and run around the house making drinks, getting me ready, getting DS ready, moving his car off the drive so I can get my car out of the garage etc and he just lays in bed until his normal getting up time. Like its my choice to change the arrangements. OK I realise these occasional (1-2 times a month meetings) are unavoidable for him but he could make an effort.

Still there is hope because I have trained him where possible to make his overnights away on a Monday when I don't work so avoiding the above scenario.

21stcenturygirl · 17/10/2002 09:27

Time for a laugh mumsnetters! When my dh gave up work to become a SAHD, he was given the following by a Mum who he worked with. After reading it he nearly withdrew his resignation!

TRADING PLACES

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed at home. He wanted her to see what he went through each day, so he prayed: ?Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours of hard work, while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through so please create a trade in our bodies?

God, in His infinite wisdom, granted the man?s wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home, picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to draw money to pay the electricity and telephone bills. He drove to the electricity company and the phone company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping, came home and put away the groceries. He cleaned the cat?s litter box and bathed the dog. By then it was already 1.00pm, so he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.

He rushed to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home which he had to sort out in a gentle ?motherly? fashion. He set out biscuits and milk and got the kids organised to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and was able to watch a bit of TV, whilst he did the ironing. By then it was 4.30pm, so he began peeling the potatoes and washed greens for salads. He prepared the chops and vegetables and got everything ready in time for an early dinner.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded the laundry, bathed the kids and put them to bed. At 9.00pm he was exhausted and although his chores weren?t finished for the day, he went to bed where he was expected to make love which he managed to get through without complaining.

The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: ?Lord, I don?t know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife?s being able to stay home all day. Please, O, please let us trade back!?

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, ?My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You?ll have to wait 9 months though, because you got pregnant last night!?.

Ems · 17/10/2002 10:39

Brilliant!

PamT · 17/10/2002 10:40

I'll have to print that one out for DH but I bet he still won't believe it.

Clarinet60 · 17/10/2002 10:46

Yep, the printer is on.

Marina · 17/10/2002 10:47

Excellent

Elf · 17/10/2002 10:48

I too feel quite good about my dh, having read all this, tho' he isn't perfect. What works for us and did before dd was born, is dividing the chores so that there's no fighting. ie when we clean the house, I do upstairs and he does downstairs. Day to day, he is in charge of the dishwasher (which he now sees as the devil) and most cooking and putting on the load of washing in the morning. I do the other 1000 things but it means we know what's expected of us. Of course, it only works because he does do it and is 'happy' to do so. Re dd - if he takes her out by himself, I have to get her completely ready, ie clean nappy, coat, hat, water and tissues in pram etc, and practically open the door for him! I do think some of the dhs mentioned are gits, do you think they would go for my suggestion?

SimonHoward · 17/10/2002 12:10

I think most of the DH/DP's mentioned here ought to pickup their ideas and make a change before someone decides they are surplus to requirements.

If I tried this sort of thing with my DW there would be even more dents in the frying pans than there already is.

Clarinet60 · 17/10/2002 12:41

LOL simonhoward!
I'm printing out this thread. Haven't yet decided what I'm going to do with it after that ......