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Life after losing a baby

52 replies

Marina · 08/10/2002 20:54

We saw the consultant last week following the loss of our son Tom at 21 weeks.
We were told what I had already suspected: that there was nothing wrong with him or me that caused his death, as far has can be told from tests on me and a post-mortem on him.
This is apparently "good" news because it means we don't have to be referred for further tests, etc. But it's not easy to see it that way right now. All I have been able to think of since the meeting (and the consultant was really nice, and the bereavement midwife was there too and has been very supportive), is why did this have to happen to Thomas?
I also went back to work this week - how can an experience be so draining and upsetting when you are surrounded by beaming colleagues saying how delighted they are to see you back? But I had to do it sometime.
As we have no grave for Thomas or ashes to scatter (he was cremated but was too small to generate any ash residue, entirely our decision) we are looking into Jasper's lovely suggestion of planting a tree for him in some woodlands.
I think the hardest thing to deal with is a very unsubtle vibe from my parents that by having a funeral and keeping photos and mementoes, we are somehow wallowing in self-pity and putting ourselves through unnecessary misery. The upshot being that on top of everything else phone conversations between me and my parents are now stilted in the extreme - the question from the other end, "have you cheered up yet?" hovers unsaid.
Well I think that is quite enough misery from me.

OP posts:
threeangels · 08/10/2002 21:01

Marina, What a lovely idea about planting a tree in memory of Thomas. Thinking about you.

Tinker · 08/10/2002 21:04

Marina, you can be as miserable as you like here. I can't begin to imagine how anyone could 'cheer up' after going through what you have been through.

For you and your husband, Thomas was your baby, not just a future grandchild, as I suppose, your parents may see it.

I really wish you lots of love.

T

Bozza · 08/10/2002 21:12

Marina - I hope you get a tree planted for Thomas - it sounds such a lovely way to remember him.

I sympathise about the tensions with your parents. Its hard when they don't understand - especially about something so major as loosing a baby. Like Tinker says - I'm sure everyone welcomes you onto Mumsnet and listens (reads) what you say with compassion - although I also realise that its not the same.

WideWebWitch · 08/10/2002 21:17

Marina, just wanted to add my sympathy and to say that I think you should talk about it as much as you want to, and for as long as you want to, here and elsewhere. I can't imagine what you've been through and are still feeling. But I think every person needs to grieve at their own pace and in their own way so try not to worry about what parents etc might think (easy for me to say, I know). Grief is as intensely personal as birth so take all the time you need.

bossykate · 08/10/2002 21:25

oh marina! how difficult as no cause = no explanation, no future prevention, no answer to the whys and what ifs. but otoh, as they say, also no reason to think it could happen again.

sorry your return to work has been tough. you're right though - you had to do it sometime. well done!

hard to know what to say about your parents reaction. i think you're being very sensible, actually, because going through the bereavement rituals are likely to help you move on. perhaps it is a generational thing - we always hear how our parents' generation "just had to get on with it". of course, we just get on with it now too - but in different ways.

the burden you have had to shoulder has included not only your own grief and pain, but also the pain, discomfort, embarassment and inarticulacy (is that a word?) of others. you are coping very well.

take care - i think you are doing everything right.

SueW · 08/10/2002 21:27

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at OP's request.

pupuce · 08/10/2002 21:28

Have nothing to add to everyone's useful and thoughtful comments - I am thinking of you though.
Good luck

ionesmum · 08/10/2002 21:30

Marina, I want to say how much I agree with what has been said here. You need to grieve in your own time and in your own way. Have you contacted Cruise or someone similar? I think that planting a tree is a beautiful idea, a wonderful way to remember your precious one. I'll keep you in my prayers. xxx

Clarinet60 · 08/10/2002 21:52

Hi Marina. As I said on the other thread, I know what you are encountering from your parents and IME, that attitude is almost as devastating as losing the baby. I have to say, my faith in human nature has fallen to new depths. I truly believed that this sort of attitude wouldn't be suffered by anyone who has lost a baby as late as you, and who actually saw that precious baby. Losing a baby before it's born somehow seems to be viewed as a 'gynaecological mishap', not the loss of a precious new person, which we know it is. I am in awe of you for going through this at a much later stage than I did. To hear that they want you to hurry up and get over it makes me feel sick. I ran into a friend I hadn't seen for a while last week and she had completely forgotten that ds2 had been a twin and that this time last year I miscarried. It feels as though my babies don't even exist in anyone's memory.
God knows what it must be like for you, Marina.

Clarinet60 · 08/10/2002 21:54

Forgot to say, I have another friend whose first baby was stillborn at term and she was criticised for keeping photos of him. By family. What can you say?

tigermoth · 08/10/2002 21:56

Marina, as has been said, take all the time you want. I'm sorry your parents are being somwhat insensitive to your pain. Even if it's unknowlingly, it still hurts the same.

It sounds like they do want the best for you - but are going about it the wrong way. Could your dh could have a quiet word with them and tell them you need to grieve at your own pace. Also that you are having to put on a happy face for work, and you really need to know you can let that slip when you are off duty amongst family.

You are confronting your grief and that is a brave and worthy thing to do.

anais · 08/10/2002 21:57

Just to agree with what everyone else has been saying. Work through it in your own way, take all the time you need and don't let others get to you. Take care, thinking of you. xxx

Deborahf · 08/10/2002 21:59

Marina, I can't add much to what's already been said. I think you are very brave to share so much here. And a tree for Thomas will be a lovely way to remember him. Thinking of you. Love Deb.

floops · 08/10/2002 23:05

Dear Marina - it's true - everyone has said what I feel I would like to share with you. Plant the tree I think it is a lovely idea. Thinking of you both xxx.

jasper · 08/10/2002 23:12

Marina, aren't the older generation downright odd sometimes? It is probably your parents' clumsy way of wanting to know you are going to be "allright" which of course you are not. Your lovely baby son has died and life can't just jump back to as if Tom had never existed, and nor would you want it to.

You are a mum now, even if you don't have your baby to hold.
That changes everything.

You enjoy your photos and memories.

jemw · 08/10/2002 23:13

marina, second what bossykate and the others say,

maybe your parents reaction is because they don't know how to express their own sorrow or loss of Tom to you, or also guilt because they were not able to help you?

well done for going back to work, thinking of you all, jemw

Bobbins · 08/10/2002 23:15

Marina. I have found that as soon as people think that you should some how be "recovering"...this is when you are very likely to feel at your worst.

Lots of love, will post morexxxx

SueDonim · 09/10/2002 06:09

Oh, dear, Marina, that's so sad. Maybe that is your parents way of dealing with their hurt over Thomas? Also, I suppose the idea of keeping mementoes is relatively new to them. Cameras weren't that easily affordable not so long ago. The first photo we have of my 27yr old is when he was six weeks - we just didn't have access to a camera until then! However, my MIL still has a painting and photographs on display of DH's brother, who died over 50 years ago.

The whole subject is hard, though. I've had several friends who've lost babies and if there's one thing I've learned from their experiences and a m/c of my own, it's that there is no one way to deal with tragedies. It doesn't help me to think of my 7wk m/c as a baby or as an angel, I prefer to think of it as a bundle of cells that simply wasn't meant to be but I don't expect anyone else to feel the same way as I do and vice versa. But because of the differences in ways that people cope, conflict seems bound to happen, sadly. I think that all you can do is to concentrate on those aspects that help you the most, appreciate the positive reactions and try not to dwell on the negative ones, although I don't honestly think people set out to be unkind.

Take care and may Thomas's tree grow to be as beautiful as he.

robinw · 09/10/2002 06:57

message withdrawn

jodee · 09/10/2002 08:04

Dear Marina, I can't add anything to the wise words said here, it will take as long as it takes to come to terms with your loss, no-one can set time limits on something as painful as this. I hope work is going OK for you (I think you have gone back now?). Take care xx

Demented · 09/10/2002 08:37

Thinking of you Marina.

GRMUM · 09/10/2002 09:22

A tree will be a wonderful,growing,live memorial for you all to celebrate Thomas by.I think it is a beautiful idea.
As others have said maybe your parents just don't know how to support you at this time.I do think it may be a good idea for someone to try and talk to them a bit though, after all this saddness will always be there,even if it less acute in years to come.Thomas is a part of your life,he's a child of yours nothing is going to change that.He will be remembered by all of us.Love to all your family.

Batters · 09/10/2002 09:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chiara71 · 09/10/2002 10:11

not much to add to what evceryone has already said, but just do what you feel like doing. It must be sad not to feel the support of your immediate family, but you need to grieve your own way, have you tried talking to your parents about how you feel?

CAM · 09/10/2002 10:23

Dear Marina
It can take far longer to come to terms with the loss of a baby (no matter at what age) than some people realise. My sister's baby died during the birth (full term) about 10 years ago, again it was her second pregnancy and also like you no "reason" was discovered. Of course she still thinks about her second child and remembers her with love (and sadness). However our parents had the same sort of stiff upper lip attitude like yours. I believe things were done differently in their day but that we have moved towards a more compassionate way of thinking. I hope you feel better at work soon, it is very hard to get back into routine when you have emotionally difficult things to deal with. Personally I think it would be strange if you weren't feeling as you do, lots of love Cam.