We saw the consultant last week following the loss of our son Tom at 21 weeks.
We were told what I had already suspected: that there was nothing wrong with him or me that caused his death, as far has can be told from tests on me and a post-mortem on him.
This is apparently "good" news because it means we don't have to be referred for further tests, etc. But it's not easy to see it that way right now. All I have been able to think of since the meeting (and the consultant was really nice, and the bereavement midwife was there too and has been very supportive), is why did this have to happen to Thomas?
I also went back to work this week - how can an experience be so draining and upsetting when you are surrounded by beaming colleagues saying how delighted they are to see you back? But I had to do it sometime.
As we have no grave for Thomas or ashes to scatter (he was cremated but was too small to generate any ash residue, entirely our decision) we are looking into Jasper's lovely suggestion of planting a tree for him in some woodlands.
I think the hardest thing to deal with is a very unsubtle vibe from my parents that by having a funeral and keeping photos and mementoes, we are somehow wallowing in self-pity and putting ourselves through unnecessary misery. The upshot being that on top of everything else phone conversations between me and my parents are now stilted in the extreme - the question from the other end, "have you cheered up yet?" hovers unsaid.
Well I think that is quite enough misery from me.