Life after losing a baby

[Marina]

We saw the consultant last week following the loss of our son Tom at 21 weeks.
We were told what I had already suspected: that there was nothing wrong with him or me that caused his death, as far has can be told from tests on me and a post-mortem on him.
This is apparently "good" news because it means we don't have to be referred for further tests, etc. But it's not easy to see it that way right now. All I have been able to think of since the meeting (and the consultant was really nice, and the bereavement midwife was there too and has been very supportive), is why did this have to happen to Thomas?
I also went back to work this week - how can an experience be so draining and upsetting when you are surrounded by beaming colleagues saying how delighted they are to see you back? But I had to do it sometime.
As we have no grave for Thomas or ashes to scatter (he was cremated but was too small to generate any ash residue, entirely our decision) we are looking into Jasper's lovely suggestion of planting a tree for him in some woodlands.
I think the hardest thing to deal with is a very unsubtle vibe from my parents that by having a funeral and keeping photos and mementoes, we are somehow wallowing in self-pity and putting ourselves through unnecessary misery. The upshot being that on top of everything else phone conversations between me and my parents are now stilted in the extreme - the question from the other end, "have you cheered up yet?" hovers unsaid.
Well I think that is quite enough misery from me.

Marina, I'm sorry I haven't read the whole thread so I hope I'm not repeating too much what everyone else has said. Thomas was very much more real to you than to your parents. You carried him and gave birth to him whereas they just talked about him without ever having that bond. It is still only a short length of time since he was taken from you and you clearly are not ready to put his memory to one side as they expect.

I think it is a lovely idea to plant a tree so that you have a memory of Thomas that will live on. Perhaps a local cemetary has an 'Angels corner' where bereaved parents can remember their babies, you might be able to have a plaque in Thomas's memory. Our local churches sometimes hold special services for those who have lost babies during pregnancy or within a short time of the birth, I don't know if you would find this helpful. Also the Miscarriage Association (national group based in Wakefield ) used to have a tree where bereaved parents could tie a label with a message to their baby. I don't know if they still do this but I thought it was a lovely way of remembering a child.

I'm so sorry that you didn't get a real explanation for this tragedy, at least when you know that something is wrong you can try to put it right. I hope in time you will be able to look back on your memories of Thomas with more joy than sadness and that the thoughts become less painful. Pam xxx

Marina,

Just to echo what others have said. Your parents were brought up in an era where the loss of a baby was not treated in the same way. They are not being deliberately hurtful but do not understand the issues. Is it possible for the bereavement midwife to meet with your parents to help them understand the grieving process? That may help them realise that you are not behaving abnormally. Parents are encouraged to have momentos to remind them of their babies such as photos, hand/foot prints, namebands etc. That started because of all the poor parents who were denied even seeing stillborn babies at whatever age. Perhaps the midwife meeting them may help them to help you. I hope this can be resolved for you - you musn't feel that you do not have support from those closest to you.

Marina, I'm so sorry that things are hard for you at the moment. I bet your parents believe that not having reminders around would help you to 'get over' your loss. but you are a different generation and probably a lot more like me. I love the idea of planting a tree - and really like it when I see a park bench dedicated to someone's memory...it makes me smile even though they're gone.

Marina - haven't been around much lately, but just wanted to send my love. Hope you got my message via mumsnet ok. Thinking of you x

I share others' thoughts and say as many of us have discovered, parents are wierd old things sometimes, could be from a different planet. I agree that someone (your dh, or the bereavement midwife) could perhaps have a word to them. My thoughts are with you.

Thanks everyone - I was having a bad day yesterday for all sorts of reasons and suddenly felt on the edge of the precipice.
I did get your message, Chanel, and should have replied but clean forgot. Thanks so much for sending it and a big apology from me!
We heard from SANDS today that it is possible to dedicate a tree for Thomas at their special garden at the National Memorial Arboretum in Staffordshire. We have seen pictures of the garden - it includes a beautiful, simple sculpture of a sleeping baby - and feel that this is just what we want. And we will visit it in due course.
My parents live over 300 miles away but what I think we might do is send them a copy of the SANDS leaflet for grandparents. It very tactfully deals with what many of you have identified as the age/attitude gap between my mum and me. Normally we all rally round as a family so their edginess over Thomas (my dad is much better) has really seemed like a kick in the teeth. But I do understand why they find it hard.

Dear Marina, thinking of you and hoping you get the space and time you need to come to terms with your loss. Mooma x

Hugs and sympathy to you Marina. It doesn't seem fair does it. Of course you need to grieve, everyone does in their own way.

Just remember Thomas' spirit will always be with you and I believe he is now an angel looking after your family. Maybe that was his reason for being...?

Marina, I feel so sad for you and for your parents. Of course in their day "lost" babies were not hugged and loved and photographed and remembered but, just that - lost and forgotten - except presumably in the minds and hearts of their immediate families.

The SANDS garden sounds lovely. Hope you can have a tree for Thomas there. Our town has a wildlife (?) cemetery for those who don't want cremation or a conventional grave, and it includes a special tree of remembrance for those who have lost babies at any age - they have ceremonies occasionally and anybody can attach a note at any time - if you don't have one of these locally then the SANDS one would be perfect for you and always full of people who understand.

I am sorry that the post-mortem was not able to provide you with an explanation and reassurance, but hope so much that Thomas's death was a one-off, and that you will be able to go on to have a full-term healthy baby next time.

A good friend of mine planted a magnolia tree in the SANDS garden , its a great source of comfort in a strange way. Thinking of you .

I, too, Marina, think that planting a tree would be a lovely thing to do for Thomas. We planted a tree for the baby we lost at 24weeks, and watching it grow these last three years has been v helpful in the grieving process. Each year I've added bulbs and flowers underneath, and will spend contemplative moments sitting by it.

I, too, had problems with in-law and parental reaction to our loss. I still havent really forgiven my fil yet for some of his thougtless comments. And it got to the stage where I couldnt talk to my mum because I felt she was avoiding the whole thing, trying to be too upbeat, and doing nothing but telling me how my sil's pg was getting on, when it was the last thing I wanted to hear about.(sorry Enid!!) We had a tearful chat about it (3months down the line) and sorted things out, thank goodness. But I did feel horribly hurt at the time, so hope things improve for you. If you feel strong enough to do it, tell them how you feel, and that what they are doing isnt helping. It gets things out into the open a bit more.

LOL, Marina, thinking of you.

Dear Marina,
I feel so much for you as I have a Thomas who is sleeping peacefully upstairs, he is my little miracle as is his brother James and sister Rebecca, triplets, aged four.
They are only here because I lost my only child Matthew in 1994, he collapsed and died in my garden with no medical explanation ever found, he was fourteen.
We had to identify him in the garden, he was just in front of my kitchen window. For over three months I couldnt step foot in the garden, and kept my blind down so that I couldnt see out there. Eventually we decided to buy Matthew a tree, plant it where he died. We went to a local nursery and told them why we wanted one, they were so kind to us. Anyway, we bought a small flowering crab apple tree, Red Sentinel, and its just perfect. It is now six years old, will only grow to around 12ft, and has something on it all year round. Just now its looking very pretty, all the little apples are just turning rosy red, they stay on right through until Feb, look so cheerful for Christmas, then just as they turn and fall off the new leaves are out for Spring, then we get the beautiful blossom, it is really lovely.
Hope this helps you, also please try and contact The Compassionate Friends, all parents who have lost children.
Lots of love,
Anne.xxx

triplets,

I've read your messages about Matthew on other threads and thought about you. It must have been so hard to look out on that garden day after day. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain and how you carried on. I'm glad Matthew's tree is thriving and you can look back on that sad patch of ground and see something that makes you happy to remember what was.

Anne, your lovely message about Matthew and the triplets has made me think again about not having something for Thomas in our own garden (I have been putting it off, worried that whatever we planted would also die...). Crab apple trees have a special place in our family as there are some in our road, and one of ds' first words was "abbies!" when he saw the tiny apples on the pavement. You have inspired me to pluck up courage, go to our local nursery and get something small and pretty.
How marvellous that when you look out of your window these days, as well as seeing Matthew's tree you will be seeing three happy little faces too. It's knowing that this kind of good and deserved thing can happen, that makes life a little more bearable.
Honeybunny, I know the sort of thing all too well. This weekend my sil rang up specially to tell me that Daisy and Tom have opened a branch in Bluewater. Like we'll be hurrying in there. Even though it's not always easy, I'm very much keeping the lines of communication open with my parents, and I think like you, there might be a time when I can speak honestly with them about these past few weeks.

I was going to post this under the 'Christmas Traditions' thread but thought it might be more appropriate here, as Marina and Triplets have been talking about special ways to remember their children. When our son died four years ago I hated Christmas - but still had to mark it for our other son. It is not quite as hard now, but we have developed some of our own traditions, which allow us to enjoy the time with our children, but still remember our darling son who is no longer with us. We always buy a special new tree decoration just for him and put it on the tree first - my older son has always enjoyed choosing this with us, it is his way of remembering too. I also buy an advent candle and light it each evening in the run up to Christmas - this is my quiet time remembering ds. We also light a candle in church on Christmas morning - this is not always easy as we have often been away visiting relatives and have to ask at the end of the service. We also go to a service in early December organised by our local hospital where the names of any child or baby who has died is read out and a candle lit for them. It is such a moving and special service.

Reading all this has made me cry.
I have never been through what Marina and triplets have experienced, but have had 3 miscarriages at 12 weeks, which were hard enough.
My Dad has an orchard in his garden where he plants a tree for every grandchild (plus for his brother's grandchildren, as he died before the the first was born).
In between the trees are three patches of snowdrops, as I lost all my babies in the early spring. They grow and spread each year, and add something beautiful to the garden. But even now I don't have any in my garden. Reading about Matthews's tree, I think it's time to plant some.
Thankyou.

You've got me going too. Such beautiful ways to remember your special little people. Lost for words.

susan, your Dad sounds like a very special grandad - made me cry to read about his orchard.

Isn't life cruel to some people. Losing a child, at any age, must be the hardest thing to bear - reading about families bereaved by the bomb in Bali (not to mention 9/11) makes me very thankful never to have suffered such a loss. All of you who have suffered miscarriage, stillbirth or the death of a child are in my thoughts and I hope you all find consolation and peace. I know your lost children will never be forgotten.

janh - he is!
Have always been lucky with the men in my life, and Dad has been amazing. My Mum ran off with his best friend when I was 12, leaving him with me, my 10 yr old sister and 4 yr old brother. He looked after us wonderfully and we stayed with him even after the court case where Mum contested custody - this was in 1984 so not very common!
It amazed me when he offered to plant the snowdrops. I realised then he had recognised my lost babies were real, as it was his idea. It was one of the most wonderful things he has ever done. I am very lucky to have such a wonderful Dad.

Gosh, sitting at work, tears welling up. How sad for you all and how brave you are. I think your ideas for remembering your precious ones are truly beautiful. I want to go home now and hug dd.

susanmt - Snowdrops are the 'logo' of the Family Support Group for Bereaved Parents at the Children's Hospital in Aberdeen where our son died. They say "Snowdrops are so fragile, delicate in appearance, yet they bloom in winter, a sign of hope that spring will come". We planted lots in our old garden and plan to do the same now we have moved house.

AnnieMo, that's lovely, I really like all the spring flowers for just those reasons

Life after losing a baby is....devastatingly empty

Marina and all - I admire you all so much. When I lost 3 babies through 'miscarriage' I lost it completely ...........good luck to you all.