Thieving Mum

[HaNNaHC92]

Just after a little bit of advice on what to do. I'm currently expecting my 3rd baby and am down to fortnightly midwife appointments. Due to this, my Mum comes to my home to look after my 19m old daughter and 3yr old son (pick him up from nursery) so I can attend and not have to have them with me in the doctors surgery. What I'm about to say next has happened twice, only when I've not been home. The first time was one month ago. Me and OH have Blink cameras in the living room & kitchen to act as a form of baby monitor if we're not in the room. I'm now so glad we have them or else I wouldn't know about this. So a month ago I was at the midwife and decided to have a nose on the camera to see what my children were up to. First thing I see is my Mum taking food from my cupboards (snacks / junk) and then proceeding to put it in her handbag. It stayed in there and went home with her. Obviously told my OH and neither of us were impressed and were quite pissed off. But on that occasion let it slide and thought its a one off. Fast forward to today and I've had another midwife appointment. Just by chance I checked the camera as I was sat down with a coffee and what do I see again... The same thing. Mum taking snacks / junk / along with some baby wipes, this time even had her own tub to put some loose things in which seems like she planned it) and placed in her handbag to take home. I'm now at a loss what to do. She's stressing me out with 5 weeks to my due date. Me and my OH trust her to be in our home with our children and don't expect behaviour like that. She doesn't work, but has food parcels from a food bank and she has more disposable income left a month than me and my OH do together and I just don't expect anyone, let alone my Mum to be stealing. It's not the fact it's food, it could be anything, even something like a cheap pen, but it's the just the principle someone is in my home taking things secretly and without my permission. What would you do...?

I would talk to her about it. Maybe she is in greater difficulty than you realise.

Not condoning her stealing,but perhaps her situation has changed?

If she has disposable income, why (how) is she getting foodbank parcels? How do you know her financial situation?

@WhiskyIrnBru

I would talk to her about it. Maybe she is in greater difficulty than you realise.

Not condoning her stealing,but perhaps her situation has changed?

Unfortunately that would be the best scenario, but it's not the case. My brother deals with all her finances, shopping, etc, because she can't be trusted to not spend what she doesn't have or spend far too much. And I'm on very good terms with my brother so know the ins and outs of everything.

@picklemewalnuts

If she has disposable income, why (how) is she getting foodbank parcels? How do you know her financial situation?

During this Covid period, back in December she contacted a local food hub to say she needed help (she didn't, it was so she could have more money to herself without having to spend it on groceries) and they have since provided her with weekly food parcels (they don't ask for proof, just trust that you need some help). And I know about her finances as my brother deals with her money due to not being able to trust her with spending money she doesn't have or spending too much. She has a history of having a bailiff as her door due to not paying her rent and instead splurging money. Hence why my brother had taken control of that side of things.

I would deal with it like this. Buy a 6 pack of crisps and a couple of packs of biscuits and leave them out. When she arrives take her straight to them and say you have seen her take food from your house, and you feel she is taking treats away from you and her grandchildren, you have got these for her in the hope she doesn't feel the need to do it again. Depending on her actions and what she says, just say you were disappointed she did this.

I'm sorry to say this about your mum OP but she is a thieving toe rag. It's bad enough that she is stealing from you but she is also taking from those on the absolute breadline. I find this pretty disgusting tbh and I'd be telling her so

Why don't you leave out some things for - tin of Biscs or tea bags, coffee to say thanks for her help.
If they're not worth much (wipes? ) let it go imv.

Reading the posts you've put when I was writing the above , I'd think perhaps she is very depressed or has MH issues.

Seems to me you have a choice. You can either keep schtum and retain her childcare services (free I assume) or you can 'expose' her and risk having to pay for childcare, or worse yet have no childcare at all. And risk possibly damaging your relationship with her in the process. Is it worth it over a few snacks and bits n bobs? It's not like she's stealing the family silver. But obviously if her thievery is affecting your finances you must say something.

If you decide you must say something then show her the camera footage and ask her if she's in such dire financial difficulty that she must take things without asking. She'll either admit it and hopefully stop of her own volition or she'll stop because she knows she's being watched.

X post with the lot of you!

You were spying on the cameras. You can admit that much.

Just tell her that you have seen her taking food from your cupboards and ask if she needs some help. Tell her not to steal again obviously.

If she's good enough to babysit then you should be helping her out and concerned. She hasn't done this to "stress you out"!

@TabithaTeacake

I would deal with it like this. Buy a 6 pack of crisps and a couple of packs of biscuits and leave them out. When she arrives take her straight to them and say you have seen her take food from your house, and you feel she is taking treats away from you and her grandchildren, you have got these for her in the hope she doesn't feel the need to do it again. Depending on her actions and what she says, just say you were disappointed she did this.

Yes, I'd do this.

I think she will be mortified if she knew you knew. Do you genuinely believe that she's stealing maliciously or she's in hardship? To be honest with you... I'm trying to look at it from my perspective, if my mum was coming to look after my little one and took some biscuits and baby wipes I don't think I'd be all that bothered providing she told me.. I would be quite happy for my mum to help herself to any food in the house if she's doing me a favour by looking after my child. Perhaps you could broach it that way, that you don't mind if she takes a few items hear and there but just to let you know so that you're imagining things! I truly believe she will be really hurt and embarrassed if you confront her so might be best to approach sensitively.
It would be a completely different kettle of fish if she was rifling through your personal possessions and stealing money.. But some food and baby wipes wouldn't bother me at all..

God I wouldn't begrudge my mum a few snacks. Especially in exchange for free babysitting. ask her what's going on, if she's that desperate she's taking things your brother may be keeping her money.

It seems like she has a problem rather than taking out of necessity. If you're db has had to control financiers to stop bailiffs, and she's requesting food parcels when she doesn't need them, this indicates she's compulsive rather than really needing the items. Spends when she doesn't need the item and gets food parcels when they aren't required.

I think you either need to talk to her and see if she'll admit there's an issue and seek help. Or you don't say anything, let her help whilst you have your baby and hope
She doesn't take anything sentimental or valuable and then stop her being home alone in your house when you can.

I understand what pp are saying about letting her have a few snacks, and I fully get that, but there's a big difference between helping yourself to food whilst you're in the house to eat if you're hungry, to taking items and putting them in a bag to take home. It's small items at the moment but the op said the first time she out items in her bag, the second time she'd deliberately brought containers to put items in.

Sounds very bizarre if you know via your db that she has food and disposable money each month

Why would she take baby wipes? Does she ever mind your children at her house? If so she may not see it as stealing, more taking your provisions for when your children are there?

Your brother organised her groceries? Is he withholding treat food as this is what she’s taking?

What about places in your home off camera? Anything else gone?

Do you give her payment ?

Why are you still having her in your home when you aren’t there? After the first occasion you should have left the arrangement and not let her continue

She's clearly got mental health problems, given your DB's management of her affairs.

I'd mention that you've noticed a few things have gone when you've needed them, show her snacks you've left out for her, and ask her to tell you if she has other things so you can replace them, as it's frustrating to realise you've run out of wipes when you thought you had some in.

I'd also be concerned about your brother and what he's playing at. If I stole baby wipes it would be because I had no access to sanitary and hygiene items for some reason

Any possibility of dementia? My mum became a thief, stole from neighbours, colleagues, shops... anyone. And she didn't need or want any of it. The stuff all got added to her hoarding stash and forgotten about. The part of her brain which recognised her actions as wrong had gone. It came as naturally to her as picking up things in her own home. When confronted she had no idea what we were referring to.

well, given what you have said about her finances, she sounds as if she has mental helath issues, with some kind of compulsion, like a hoarder has to gather stuff round them.

This is so far from normal. I can't imagine that she wants or needs the snacks, it is like she is gathering stuff round her.

I too wondered about dementia. How longhas the financial stuff been going on? Was it a new thing, or all her life? Does she have any diagnosed mental health issues?

That's very sad, she probably thinks you don't know and wouldn't notice.

As others have suggested, leave out some snacks specifically for her.

You could gently pry into her financial situation a bit more but personally I wouldn't confront her with this and I wouldn't have told my husband.

" She doesn't work, but has food parcels from a food bank and she has more disposable income left a month than me and my OH do together "

But

"My brother deals with all her finances, shopping, etc, because she can't be trusted to not spend what she doesn't have or spend far too much. "

So where does her money go, what percentage of her income does she give to your brother for rent, shopping, bills etc and how much disposable income does she have left?

Do you give her childcare money to her directly or do you give it to your brother for her?

If its the latter, could you perhaps reduce the amount that you give your brother and have a bag of treats and snacks available for her to take away.

If she has MH difficulties and has trouble managing money to the extent that she needs someone else to manage it for her, is she well enough to look after such young children?