Thieving Mum

[HaNNaHC92]

Just after a little bit of advice on what to do. I'm currently expecting my 3rd baby and am down to fortnightly midwife appointments. Due to this, my Mum comes to my home to look after my 19m old daughter and 3yr old son (pick him up from nursery) so I can attend and not have to have them with me in the doctors surgery. What I'm about to say next has happened twice, only when I've not been home. The first time was one month ago. Me and OH have Blink cameras in the living room & kitchen to act as a form of baby monitor if we're not in the room. I'm now so glad we have them or else I wouldn't know about this. So a month ago I was at the midwife and decided to have a nose on the camera to see what my children were up to. First thing I see is my Mum taking food from my cupboards (snacks / junk) and then proceeding to put it in her handbag. It stayed in there and went home with her. Obviously told my OH and neither of us were impressed and were quite pissed off. But on that occasion let it slide and thought its a one off. Fast forward to today and I've had another midwife appointment. Just by chance I checked the camera as I was sat down with a coffee and what do I see again... The same thing. Mum taking snacks / junk / along with some baby wipes, this time even had her own tub to put some loose things in which seems like she planned it) and placed in her handbag to take home. I'm now at a loss what to do. She's stressing me out with 5 weeks to my due date. Me and my OH trust her to be in our home with our children and don't expect behaviour like that. She doesn't work, but has food parcels from a food bank and she has more disposable income left a month than me and my OH do together and I just don't expect anyone, let alone my Mum to be stealing. It's not the fact it's food, it could be anything, even something like a cheap pen, but it's the just the principle someone is in my home taking things secretly and without my permission. What would you do...?

I would wonder about dementia - stealing can be an early sign. My grandad started stealing alcohol (Sherry, yuck!) quite early on, was one of the reasons we seeked professional advice

@minniemoocher

I would wonder about dementia - stealing can be an early sign. My grandad started stealing alcohol (Sherry, yuck!) quite early on, was one of the reasons we seeked professional advice

I'm not even sure how I would go about that and getting help for her, if that is the case. I've never been put into a situation like so.

Either talk to her or hide your snacks.
I'd go with talking to her.

She may have an ed or poor impulse control or she might feel angry, judged and controlled by you guys deciding she can't be trusted with her own money and taking control of it and giving her an 'allowance'. Did she ask you / your brother to take and keep control of her finances? If not, what gives you the right, legally or morally to do that? If she did ask you to, do you regularly check with her that this is what she still wants?

You look out for her the most, yet she has difficulties to the stage where someone else is managing her finances, is severely obese and your concern about her taking snacks from your home is about her morals, rather than her health or access to finances.

I think most people would regard swiping a few snacks from the well stocked cupboard of a family member as a bit out of order/cheeky fuckery, but "theft" is quite strong unless its on an industrial scale, yet you didnt notice until you checked the cameras, so its not like she's clearing you out.

I'd suggest having a heart to heart with her about her diet and income and how you can best support her maintain a healthy weight and develop better money management skills so she is confident in managing her money and no-longer relies on her son.

I would put a note in the cupboard - Mum - you are on Camera - if you want a cuppa and a snack thats fine but this is our food for the week.

I would then not mention anything else and see what happens. If she does it again then you have to consider not having her alone in your house

@Cailleachian

You look out for her the most, yet she has difficulties to the stage where someone else is managing her finances, is severely obese and your concern about her taking snacks from your home is about her morals, rather than her health or access to finances.

I think most people would regard swiping a few snacks from the well stocked cupboard of a family member as a bit out of order/cheeky fuckery, but "theft" is quite strong unless its on an industrial scale, yet you didnt notice until you checked the cameras, so its not like she's clearing you out.

I'd suggest having a heart to heart with her about her diet and income and how you can best support her maintain a healthy weight and develop better money management skills so she is confident in managing her money and no-longer relies on her son.

💯 this

I feel quite sick reading OP's posts. I haven't seen my own mother since last August (Covid restrictions, Ireland). It probably heightens my feelings of upset that anyone could behave towards their parent like this.

That isn't to say I don't appreciate it's a difficult situation. I'm just amazed that OP's first reaction isn't 'oh God. What's going on with mum to do this & how can we address it'.

I also do understand the reluctance to talk to her. Surely, you just ask what's going on?

Also OP says she has no idea what to do if it was signs of dementia. Well, OP, most of us have no idea what to do in those situations until it happens, but we step up. If this was a concern, first step GP, obviously.

@RB68

I would put a note in the cupboard - Mum - you are on Camera - if you want a cuppa and a snack thats fine but this is our food for the week.

I would then not mention anything else and see what happens. If she does it again then you have to consider not having her alone in your house

What. The. Hell.

Is this honestly the kind of relationship some people have with their parents?

If taking food from you is an issue, you act like an adult, and talk to your family member.

Not write 'Big Brother' style notes letting them know they're being watched.

Ugh. 😓

First post should be: I don't understand the reluctance.

Her MH as far as I know is fine

With respect - it really really isn't.
A 53 year old with that level of dependence on her children is not quite right.
I wonder if you have normalised it? It is not normal to need your children to budget for her.
Does she have additional needs?

Op - I do wonder if you are so close to the situation that you cannot see how abnormal this is?

I am 54. My kids are still at home (teenagers) and I am appalled by the idea that someone else would need to manage my money and give me an allowance.
She really isn't OK.
-severely obese
-stealing food from you
-cannot control money
-gets to the point of rent areas and eviction
-unnecessarily getting food from food banks.

There are so many things here which need addressing.
This really is not normal.

I am not surprised that you were unhappy with the camera footage, I would be too, it would make me feel uncomfortable, and like I didn't trust her, but then my question is how could you trust her anyway when she can't manage to pay her own rent?

Has she given you or dB power of attorney?
Or does,she lack capacity?
A grown adult does not need someone managing their money unless they have significant issues.

let it go as part of the deal cheap babysitter
But if she cannot manage things maybe you shouldn't leave dc with her