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Original poster

Thieving Mum

61 replies

HaNNaHC92 · 23/03/2021 14:27

Just after a little bit of advice on what to do. I'm currently expecting my 3rd baby and am down to fortnightly midwife appointments. Due to this, my Mum comes to my home to look after my 19m old daughter and 3yr old son (pick him up from nursery) so I can attend and not have to have them with me in the doctors surgery. What I'm about to say next has happened twice, only when I've not been home. The first time was one month ago. Me and OH have Blink cameras in the living room & kitchen to act as a form of baby monitor if we're not in the room. I'm now so glad we have them or else I wouldn't know about this. So a month ago I was at the midwife and decided to have a nose on the camera to see what my children were up to. First thing I see is my Mum taking food from my cupboards (snacks / junk) and then proceeding to put it in her handbag. It stayed in there and went home with her. Obviously told my OH and neither of us were impressed and were quite pissed off. But on that occasion let it slide and thought its a one off. Fast forward to today and I've had another midwife appointment. Just by chance I checked the camera as I was sat down with a coffee and what do I see again... The same thing. Mum taking snacks / junk / along with some baby wipes, this time even had her own tub to put some loose things in which seems like she planned it) and placed in her handbag to take home. I'm now at a loss what to do. She's stressing me out with 5 weeks to my due date. Me and my OH trust her to be in our home with our children and don't expect behaviour like that. She doesn't work, but has food parcels from a food bank and she has more disposable income left a month than me and my OH do together and I just don't expect anyone, let alone my Mum to be stealing. It's not the fact it's food, it could be anything, even something like a cheap pen, but it's the just the principle someone is in my home taking things secretly and without my permission. What would you do...?

OP posts:
Original poster
HaNNaHC92 · 23/03/2021 15:26

Just a general response to you all as there's quite a lot of replies. I'm not having my Mum at my home for childcare purposes (I'm a SAHM). The fortnight appointment I have with the midwife just happens to coincide with the day she comes to my home every week to see me / grandchildren, so she'll take advantage to get to pick my son up from nursery as she enjoys it and I leave the house for 2hrs without my children (more the reason to not take them at the moment because of Covid). I never withhold her having food or drink whilst she's at my home. I've always said help yourself to anything you want whilst you're spending you're time here. And she does because I have absolutely no issue with that at all. In regards to my brother, he's not withholding her finances or anything at all (I still have access to her banking as I originally was "in charge" until early last year when my brother took over). He gives her an "allowance" every week so if she wants treats, etc, she can. And as she does somewhat of an online shop despite the food parcels, she buys treats via there as well. Definitely no deprivation from what I see/know. As some of you said, it's only snacks and wipes (children never go to her house so they're not needed for that reason) you'd let it go. But the fact it's happened twice (that I know of, could potentially be more) it's obviously not a one off and only when I'm not there. She can have anything she likes in my home, but that doesn't give her the permission to hide extra items to take home. It's started with food, I have no idea if it could progress to other items and how long do you just watch and let someone steal from your family without saying anything. Her MH as far as I know is fine. Not aware she has dementia or anything (she's only 53). Financing has always been horrendous so this isn't something new with her.

OP posts:
Original poster
HaNNaHC92 · 23/03/2021 15:28

And to also add, her parenting skills in regards to my children are fab. She looks after then well and loves tye bones off them. She's a great Nan.

OP posts:
babbaloushka · 23/03/2021 15:29

That's so strange, I think you need to broach it with her and ask for an explanation. With the background on taking advantage of the food banks, she might think it's a convenient way to save her more money.

DioneTheDiabolist · 23/03/2021 15:31

Speak to her @HaNNaHC92. Tell her you know she's taken stuff and ask her what's going on?

EarringsandLipstick · 23/03/2021 15:39

I'm not having my Mum at my home for childcare purposes

Well, you are. It's for the purpose of your antenatal appointment but it's still childcare. You make it sound like it's a treat for her. 🤨

I have no idea if it could progress to other items and how long do you just watch and let someone steal from your family without saying anything.

She has taken odd, random items. Nothing valuable. Why are you worried that it might progress to other items?

Her MH as far as I know is fine.

Are you for real? A 53 woman taking small amounts of food / household item from her daughter? A woman who can't have access to her own finances & relies on food parcels??

I'd say it's a given she isn't coping very well mentally, for whatever combination of reasons.

I would ask her about it. Tell her you've noticed & are concerned. While you are at it, try & consider what a pretty dreadful situation she's in. I could not imagine living my life knowing my mother needed food parcels. 😔

And your title? 'Thieving mum'? You don't like her all that much do you?

AliceMcK · 23/03/2021 15:40

It sounds like she has a compulsion especially given her past with spending money she dosnt have and having bailiffs at the door.

Just point out you have noticed food keeps going missing, not sure I’d tell her about the camera. Just say can she let you know when she’s eaten stuff so you know to replace it. See what she says. I’m not sure how worked up I’d get over some snacks and food, I’d have a big issue if it was money or my personal valuables. But we have an open food cupboard policy throughout my family, we all help ourselves at each other’s houses so it’s slightly different for me.

EvilEye · 23/03/2021 15:45

Does she know you have cameras?

AfterSchoolWorry · 23/03/2021 15:45

Seems like she might have hidden debt, addiction or gambling issue. She doesn't appear to have any money or she's diverting money to something else.

RevolvingPivot · 23/03/2021 15:46

Aw thieving mum? I assumed it was a mum friend of your taking money.

This is your own mum. I think that phrase is a bit harsh.

Cailleachian · 23/03/2021 15:46

That puts a bit of a different spin on things but I dont really understand. Where is all this food going?

  • your brother does an online shop for her
  • she gets food parcels
  • she does an online shop mainly snacks
  • once a week she eats at yours.
  • she buys herself snacks usng cash
  • she takes snacks from your home.

Does she have an eating disorder?

Marcipex · 23/03/2021 15:48

She might be taking both snacks and wipes for the child she’s meeting from nursery.

Original poster
HaNNaHC92 · 23/03/2021 15:51

@EvilEye

Does she know you have cameras?
She does yes
OP posts:
Tigerchips · 23/03/2021 15:51

Had she already picked the kid up?! If not it's probably for him. And yes, however much you dress it up, she was doing childcare for you.

Her mental health is not fine either. How can you say that?!

Original poster
HaNNaHC92 · 23/03/2021 15:52

@Marcipex

She might be taking both snacks and wipes for the child she’s meeting from nursery.
Both occasions its happened have been after picking my son up before I'm home. I pack a small bag with the essentials and place on the pram before I leave so that's not the case.
OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 23/03/2021 15:53

Well ask her about it then. Straight out. She's your mother, why is it a problem?

MrMucker · 23/03/2021 15:53

@Marcipex

She might be taking both snacks and wipes for the child she’s meeting from nursery.
yes, thought so too. Kids often "need" a snack directly out of the door. He might even be too cranky to leave decorously without one. And the wipes placed into the tub-it just sounds like standard parent picking up procedure to me. And heck, what's wrong with serving herself a little snack too so they can have one together. Even if she's taking the stuff after they've arrived back in the house, it might be so she's ready for the next time she collects him.
Original poster
HaNNaHC92 · 23/03/2021 15:54

@Cailleachian

That puts a bit of a different spin on things but I dont really understand. Where is all this food going?
  • your brother does an online shop for her
  • she gets food parcels
  • she does an online shop mainly snacks
  • once a week she eats at yours.
  • she buys herself snacks usng cash
  • she takes snacks from your home.

Does she have an eating disorder?

Well, she's certainly not thin. She's classed as in the severe obese category. I don't know how much is snacks and how much is "proper" food. Or how much she cooks, etc. I just don't know.
OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 23/03/2021 15:55

I don't know how much is snacks and how much is "proper" food. Or how much she cooks, etc. I just don't know.

You've very little interest in your mother really.

PleaseReferToMeAsBritneySpears · 23/03/2021 15:55

I'd go to the cupboard when I got home and say "Oh, where's gone? I'm sure I had some here." type thing and take it from there depending on what she says. To be perfectly honest, I don't think I could bring myself to confront her about it.

Original poster
HaNNaHC92 · 23/03/2021 15:57

@Tigerchips

Had she already picked the kid up?! If not it's probably for him. And yes, however much you dress it up, she was doing childcare for you.

Her mental health is not fine either. How can you say that?!

How is my Mum wanting and choosing to come and visit myself and her grandchildren childcare. It just so happens my midwife appointments are on that day. She'd still be visiting, as she does every week in-between regardless of no appointment, but still that's childcare? Btw, the leaving me to go to my appointment by myself has been her more pushing it to me, telling me enjoy an hour or two to yourself, have a hot cup of coffee. I don't think that makes me a shit person for listening to that.
OP posts:
sanfranfibber · 23/03/2021 15:57

She's a great Nan.

Just not a great person.

Original poster
HaNNaHC92 · 23/03/2021 15:59

@EarringsandLipstick

I don't know how much is snacks and how much is "proper" food. Or how much she cooks, etc. I just don't know.

You've very little interest in your mother really.

Actually, if you must know. Out of her 4 children, I'm the one who cares and looks out for her the most. My one brother is all about himself and no one else, the brother who deals with finances has a very busy job and lifestyle, my sister doesn't even live close. I'm the one with two children a be heavily pregnant and still try to do everything I bloody well can. But excuse me for trying to get some advice. It's a shit situation for me to be in when I am very close to my Mum.
OP posts:
RevolvingPivot · 23/03/2021 16:00

You or your brother need to tell her to stop getting food from a food bank that she doesn't need. If what you say about your brother not withholding the money is true.

Original poster
HaNNaHC92 · 23/03/2021 16:00

@PleaseReferToMeAsBritneySpears

I'd go to the cupboard when I got home and say "Oh, where's ** gone? I'm sure I had some here." type thing and take it from there depending on what she says. To be perfectly honest, I don't think I could bring myself to confront her about it.
And that's the predicament I'm in. I don't know whether to say nothing and not cause a scene but let it carry on. When honestly it does bother me because it's just not something I would do...
OP posts:
Original poster
HaNNaHC92 · 23/03/2021 16:03

@RevolvingPivot

You or your brother need to tell her to stop getting food from a food bank that she doesn't need. If what you say about your brother not withholding the money is true.
We've told her. Especially myself. I've made the point using the food banks is for people really in need, I.e. Those with no money or literally a few pounds. That obviously isn't the case as her disposal income is decent. And that's the first thing I checked when this first happened was how her money was looking, etc and there's no concern there.
OP posts:
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