If you were probably drugged and raped, would you do something about it?

[WonderingWhatIfAnything]

I've changed my name for this, and I'm just looking for an outside perspective on this.

It's all a bit difficult. About 5 years ago I was working in Europe with a friend. We met a man at a work thing who was over for a few days from England and he hung around in a bar where we all went. He made a drunken effort to kiss me one night but I told him no way (he was about 10 years older than me and a bit of a smarmy hooray henry type).

Anyway, I came back to England and went to college several months later. We'd all stayed loosely in touch via email mainly just as a contact thing really. One day this man called me and said he was in town with work and did I want to go out for a drink. I agreed, but arranged for my friend to come and meet us as well as I didn't want him getting the wrong idea.

I had maybe 2 glasses of wine over about an hour or so, then my friend came out and we went to the club next door. I have a very hazy recollection of what happened but I remember in the club going to walk to the loo and almost collapsing as I was so drunk I couldn't walk, which was ridiculous as I'd had 2 glasses of wine. I remember messing around with my friend and telling the bloke we were going out with each other so he'd leave me alone (he must have been flirting with me again at this point.)

Next thing I remember was leaving, my friend went home, I said I was going home, and the next thing I know I woke up in some hotel room with this bloke having sex with me.

In the morning I was really sick and just got up and went home, where I spent the rest of the day in bed feeling hideous. I couldn't remember what had happened and at the time wrote it off as a very dodgy one night stand.

Thing is, the more I look back (which I try not to do really) the more I am convinced I was drugged - I must have been. I've never been that drunk before or since. And either way, he should not have been having sex with me when I was in that state.

I've tried to forget but sometimes it pops up in my mind. But it was 5 years ago now, I can't prove anything, and I woudn't really want to upset my family by making a fuss about this.

Then again, I wouldn't want the bastard to do this to anyone else. So what do I do? It seems almost pointless now but it still bothers me sometimes and I need to draw some sort of line under the whole hideous experience.

very very very difficult. If you want to try so you know you have tried, IYSWIM, that would be a good idea. If you want to leave it and let the wound scab over, that's equally understandable.

I just don't know where I would start if I did want to do anything. I imagine the police would laugh me out of the place if I went to them with such a tenuous old story.

What annoyed me is that most Christmases he sends me a smug "merry Christmas" type email which he really should have shoved up his arse.

when you woke up did you tell him to get off? what did you say and do?

tbh it does sound as though you may possibly have been drugged but there is very little you could do about it now as far as getting him charged.

if you had pushed him off of you, been to see someone at the time then he could have been charged with Rape. technically if you are too drunk to say yes your are saying no.
so for him to sleep with you whilst you are asleep he was raping you.

im so sorry that this has happened to you. i think you should maybe speak to someone about it as it is obviously something taht still botehrs you (as im sure it would anyone) and it may help to talk through how you feel about it all.

Do you still have a contact address for him?

You can't prove anything, so it's pointless going down the legal route, of course. But revenge is a dish best served cold, as they say.

Oh love - how horrible.

How about start with phoning the Rape Crisis Centre and talking to someone? I think it is anonymous and at least you will have an idea of the support there is available and if you can or want to take it further or just get it out of your system.

What a dreadful thing to have happened.

Would it be an option to contact this fuckwit man directly? Tell him you know what happened, tell him what a horrific thing it was that he did. Impress upon him the seriousness of it all.

i think the first thing you need to do is block him from your address.....it cant help if he is still sending you the odd email.secondly have you thought about ringing a helpline up just to talk to someone about it first,it may give you the confidence you need to address it in whatever way you feel fit to give you closure.

Very sorry to hear this happened.

I do not think that you have much chance of making him pay, legally. After so much time has passed it would be difficult to prove anything.

I am pretty at your friend leaving you with this man, as you had expressed your concern about him. Are you still friends with her?

You would probably benefit from professional counselling, it would perhaps help you put it behind you.

agree with Broccolispears

Perhaps see a counsellor and talk it through with a professional. They will be able to advise you on whether it is possible to try the legal route. I suspect it would do you more harm than good to try now.

I really do understand what you are feeling, the way bad memories pop into your head at the strangest times!

I hope you manage to work it through and move on.
x

Thanks Mamazon. No, I didn't tell him to get off, I sort of gained consciousness for a minute and then went again, I couldn't really understand what was happening to be honest. I didn't really realise even the next day that I might have been drugged, I just felt a bit responsible for getting into such a state and obviously shagging some nob head that I had told to forget it several times when I was in my right mind.

Perhaps I do need to find someone to talk to. I'm not really sure who, maybe I'll see if there's some sort of counselling service that would deal with it.

Thanks for the feedback. I've never told anyone in Real Life, not really. I don't really like to think about it generally but I had a dream about it last week which has made me angry about it and wonder if something should be done.

it is a very difficult situation, i hope to hell you weren't drugged and if you were my heart goes out to you but if you were just drunk, is drunken consent still consent? yes it is. obviously if you were raped you would want to stop him doing it to others and i would urge you to talk to someone but what if you were just drunk and made that accusation that would have severe effects on him and his family, i would suggest you speak to someone proffesional about it who knows what they are talking about (all this is just my opinion) even if its just phoning a helpline and saying what you have said here.

Thank you everyone.

My friend...yeah, we're still in touch but she was always really really selfish and self centred; I don't think it dawned on her to make sure I was ok. She is, sadly, like that.

I did reply to one of his emails in a rather scathing way once, saying I knew what he'd done and it was rape. He replied in a flippant manner that he'd wait til I was awake next time. Nice eh. I thought I still had the email which would be the only bit of evidence I might have, but I don't think I do.

I only really have an email address, dunno if it's still current. Perhaps I'll start a website with his name and email address on it and what he gets up to. Can't see him taking me to court over that one, can you?

am reading the responses with interest as i have a similar experience or two.

what would you mean y revenge desi?

and fwiw - i for one understand completely about waking up and going home without making a fuss. it just isnt what occurs to you at the time.

ive laid my ghosts to rest pretty much but it does bother me that no-ones ever been made to face up to their actions. except me, that is.

wondering - i feel for you. hope you find peace, whatever you decide.

Olsmum - pissed/drugged as I was I never consented, that was why I told him I was going out with my mate (lame I know) but I couldn't walk and wasn't really conscious. Plus I couldn't give a fuck about the effect me going public might have on him, he deserves everything he gets. I just don't want to open a can of worms for myself really, with my whole private life being delved into for him to just get away with it.

i understand your anger but i dont think that would help matters to be honest because it would probably be you who ended up in trouble with police and he would just say you were v drunk and cant remember (you did imply that this could be the case)

Rape crisis local helplines here. They are always anonymous and would be a very good place to start, just to talk through your feelings.

So sorry this happened to you and I am not surprised you are still feeling the effects.

Nappies - interesting to hear you've experienced similar - to be honest, I bet it happens a lot and never gets reported. Like you say, it just doesn't occur to you.

How have you dealt with it?

(Am quite interested to hear about any good revenge tactics too!)

what you say is you dont remember consenting. im totally on your side, im just trying to look at the situation from both sides

Why don't you e-mail him, telling him that you've had counselling about this, and that it was rape and he should get help?

He may send you back an incriminating e-mail which you can take to the police.

I don't know whether you will get any results in terms of legal process, but if this bloke has made a habit of this and another woman makes a complaint, the fact that your complaint is on record, will help get him convicted. Men who get away with this sort of thing often do it again. And again, until they're caught.

Olsmum - I remember that I never, ever said that I wanted to sleep with him. I made it clear that I didn't all night. I tried to go to my own house but I couldn't walk so he obviously carried me to his. That's all I really remember.

Why should I end up in trouble with the police over this?!

Ols mum if a woman in drifting in and out of conciousness then no decent man would ever have sex with a woman in that state.

How can she consent if shes passed out??

And even if she consented when concious (which i dont think she did at all
) why the hell would he carry doing such things on after she'd passed out??

well so am i tbh!

am really quite pleased to find myself thinking about the idea of confronting one or more of the people who have taken such liberties...

how have i dealt with it? oh i dunno, the passage of time? there was a thing i read by germaine greer a few years ago, which i hated at the time but then managed to take great comfort from. if i try to explain it ill cock it up coz ill paraphrase and not do a good job of it... but it helped. email me if you like.

if you started a website etc as you mentioned before, slander or whatever it is they call it. he would probably take that stance.

Well, Wondering and Nappies, it's a crapola thing you've both gone through.

And it seems to me that the men have got clean away with it. You can, of course, chose to go down the counseling route if that's what you think you need. It wouldn't be for me (and I've had similar experiences in my youth).

Revenge .. what do I mean by that? Well, obviously nothing remotely illegal or life-threatening.

But a few words in a few ears? Let's put it like this .. we can have as much money, and as many things, and as many blessings as we like. But all we've really got is our reputation. And I see no reason why these 'gentlemen' should walk away from their actions with their reputations intact.