If you were probably drugged and raped, would you do something about it?

[WonderingWhatIfAnything]

I've changed my name for this, and I'm just looking for an outside perspective on this.

It's all a bit difficult. About 5 years ago I was working in Europe with a friend. We met a man at a work thing who was over for a few days from England and he hung around in a bar where we all went. He made a drunken effort to kiss me one night but I told him no way (he was about 10 years older than me and a bit of a smarmy hooray henry type).

Anyway, I came back to England and went to college several months later. We'd all stayed loosely in touch via email mainly just as a contact thing really. One day this man called me and said he was in town with work and did I want to go out for a drink. I agreed, but arranged for my friend to come and meet us as well as I didn't want him getting the wrong idea.

I had maybe 2 glasses of wine over about an hour or so, then my friend came out and we went to the club next door. I have a very hazy recollection of what happened but I remember in the club going to walk to the loo and almost collapsing as I was so drunk I couldn't walk, which was ridiculous as I'd had 2 glasses of wine. I remember messing around with my friend and telling the bloke we were going out with each other so he'd leave me alone (he must have been flirting with me again at this point.)

Next thing I remember was leaving, my friend went home, I said I was going home, and the next thing I know I woke up in some hotel room with this bloke having sex with me.

In the morning I was really sick and just got up and went home, where I spent the rest of the day in bed feeling hideous. I couldn't remember what had happened and at the time wrote it off as a very dodgy one night stand.

Thing is, the more I look back (which I try not to do really) the more I am convinced I was drugged - I must have been. I've never been that drunk before or since. And either way, he should not have been having sex with me when I was in that state.

I've tried to forget but sometimes it pops up in my mind. But it was 5 years ago now, I can't prove anything, and I woudn't really want to upset my family by making a fuss about this.

Then again, I wouldn't want the bastard to do this to anyone else. So what do I do? It seems almost pointless now but it still bothers me sometimes and I need to draw some sort of line under the whole hideous experience.

Desi - I dont really care what you feel you are entitled to do, or what you think. On a subject as sensitive as this whereby the very centre of hte problem lies with women not feeling able to come forward and talk about having been raped or sexually assaulted or abused - any such dismissals will be stamped on because I am looking at the bigger picture and the cause as a whole.

You deal with your own issues however you like though.

In my early twentys I had a large group of friends that I hung out with all the time. One night after a friends wedding we all went back to this one guys house. I said I didn't want a drink as I had driven myself and he said sure why not just stay here. This was someone I had known for years so I thought "why not". Everyone left except this guy and another good friend of ours.

Guy #2 made me a drink and I thought nothing of it. It must have been drugged. A bit later I had a panic attack and when I begged to go to the hospital they said no. I felt really out of it and they put me to bed.

The last thing I remember is guy #2 trying to kiss me then look over his shoulder and say " Look she is out of it and she won't remember a thing"

Thats all I remember.

I woke up feeling wretched. I was alone in a bed with no clothes on. I went home and took a nap and remembered what had happened when I woke.

I never said a word to anyone. I was too ashamed. I thought it was my fault for being so stupid to put myself in that position.

I avoided the two of them at all cost.

I wish now I had gone to the police. It was cowardly not to

Not cowardly at all Paula. Please dont think that.

You did nothing wrong. Nothing.

oh ppb [sd]

what utter utter shits.

please stop feeling guilty. bad enough they did it to you without you carrying around guilt for having 'let them' do it, then 'let them away with it.'

[hug]

It wasn't cowardly paula.

So sorry you went through that.

You didn't let them do it, they did it to you. You are not responsible for their actions.

i hope the shame burns everything that is good in their lives

I don't feel that way now, but I did at the time. I just decided that they weren't going to have that much power over me and I put it away in a mental box. It opens from time to time but it doesn't rule my life.

What a terrible thing to happen (unfortunately, I know several women this has also happened to). It's a very difficult thing to advise on. What I would advise is to perhaps arrange to see a counsellor or talk to someone at a rape crisis organisation (names?). They might be better able to advise you, and either way, talking to someone with experience of dealing with this type of situation might help you feel clearer about how you can move forward. Good luck xx

wandering are you still there?
I had to write to you, have been in your awful situations 4 years ago, I did report it and was let down continually by the police and others. I felt that i had to make them 'pay' and pursued the legal route, looking back i didn't need revenge, i needed help. See a counsellor, the law didn't back me uo when i reported the next day, can't see you will get what you want after all this time. don't mean to be harsh, just wish i'd known that then, my recovery would have been so much faster. x

A friend of mine was in a bar one night and a guy she knew in the group she was with handed her a glass of wine, it was her second or third, next thing she knew she was up an alleyway completely out of it and he was trying to rape her. She managed to get away but didn't report it or anything. She believes he put something in her glass.

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Glad things are much better for you JT

You've come so very far.

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Good on you. He's long overdue a lesson.