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Original poster

If you were probably drugged and raped, would you do something about it?

65 replies

WonderingWhatIfAnything · 07/11/2007 20:53

I've changed my name for this, and I'm just looking for an outside perspective on this.

It's all a bit difficult. About 5 years ago I was working in Europe with a friend. We met a man at a work thing who was over for a few days from England and he hung around in a bar where we all went. He made a drunken effort to kiss me one night but I told him no way (he was about 10 years older than me and a bit of a smarmy hooray henry type).

Anyway, I came back to England and went to college several months later. We'd all stayed loosely in touch via email mainly just as a contact thing really. One day this man called me and said he was in town with work and did I want to go out for a drink. I agreed, but arranged for my friend to come and meet us as well as I didn't want him getting the wrong idea.

I had maybe 2 glasses of wine over about an hour or so, then my friend came out and we went to the club next door. I have a very hazy recollection of what happened but I remember in the club going to walk to the loo and almost collapsing as I was so drunk I couldn't walk, which was ridiculous as I'd had 2 glasses of wine. I remember messing around with my friend and telling the bloke we were going out with each other so he'd leave me alone (he must have been flirting with me again at this point.)

Next thing I remember was leaving, my friend went home, I said I was going home, and the next thing I know I woke up in some hotel room with this bloke having sex with me.

In the morning I was really sick and just got up and went home, where I spent the rest of the day in bed feeling hideous. I couldn't remember what had happened and at the time wrote it off as a very dodgy one night stand.

Thing is, the more I look back (which I try not to do really) the more I am convinced I was drugged - I must have been. I've never been that drunk before or since. And either way, he should not have been having sex with me when I was in that state.

I've tried to forget but sometimes it pops up in my mind. But it was 5 years ago now, I can't prove anything, and I woudn't really want to upset my family by making a fuss about this.

Then again, I wouldn't want the bastard to do this to anyone else. So what do I do? It seems almost pointless now but it still bothers me sometimes and I need to draw some sort of line under the whole hideous experience.

OP posts:
NappiesShnappiesPANTSgalore · 07/11/2007 21:22

littlebella, you are so right.

im going to try and track them down and do that.
at the very least i will get to tell them what shits they are.

Original poster
WonderingWhatIfAnything · 07/11/2007 21:23

Thanks Turquoise. I'll call them and see what they suggest.

LittleBella - interesting idea, I'll think about that as well!

Olsmum - I don't remember consenting because I never did. I do know that much. I was unconscious when I left the club, I was unconscious when I was taken to his, and when he decided to undress me and have his jollies. There's no way I consented, pissed or otherwise.

OP posts:
NappiesShnappiesPANTSgalore · 07/11/2007 21:23

yes desi, youre right.

will ponder if i could have any effect as im not in touch at all with any of mine.

olsmum · 07/11/2007 21:24

that is what i was told on a course i was on lately (it was about protecting vulnerable adults). its not my opinion. i was told that was the stance police take.

NappiesShnappiesPANTSgalore · 07/11/2007 21:27

wondering, your case sounds as clear cut as they get.

and its a total bitch that your utterly normal and expected reaction - to have gotten on with your life - means that he is v unlikely to face any legal action. but lets face it, with rape conviction rates so low, he prob wouldve anyway [scowl]

you sound positive. and thats great. he hasnt 'won' anything if youre not a broken woman iyswim. mind you, thats dangerous logic for the times it maybe does get to you more

ignore me

NappiesShnappiesPANTSgalore · 07/11/2007 21:28

olsmum is indeed just telling it like it is.

the police cannot automatically assume you are telling the whole truth. which sucks.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 07/11/2007 21:28

Wondering - I'm sorry you have had to go through this.

Rape can take so many forms, and when carried out in this manner can seem more cruel. You couldnt defend yourself, you werent just let down by him, you were let down by your friend.

This was how I 'lost' my virginity. Although I was aware I was partaking in 'substances', I didnt realise how much, and therefore didnt realise that he wasnt smoking any AT ALL. He had no clue that he'd done anything remotely wrong. I think that he thought that he was "relaxing" me. My being 15 and him being 19 would probably be the reason for him thinking that.

You could go to the police. They might be able to give you some practical advice. They are also the only ones who can decide whether or not they can pursue this for you.

My own personal feelings on your experience tells me that what you really need is counselling, and that something in your life at the moment is dredging up these things for you and it might be worth thinking about why that is too. I should say that at this point in time - you are NOT responsible for preventing this man from doing this again. He is responsible for his actions. It could be the case though that he is already known to police - so going to speak to them as I said before may help?

If you want to talk off board - please CAT me. I'm more than happy to go through things with you. I know that talking about it is sometimes the biggest obstacle. I've helped one or two others on here in the same way. Us girls have got to stick together

Desiderata · 07/11/2007 21:29

Find a way.

You know the great films you settle down to watch of an evening? Well, I don't recall one where the woman became the empowered heroine by going to see a counselor.

She became the empowered heroine by means of vengeance.

Original poster
WonderingWhatIfAnything · 07/11/2007 21:30

Nappies - how do I email you?!

OP posts:
olsmum · 07/11/2007 21:31

have to go. dd has woken up. obviously this "man" is a total wanker for even having sex with someone so out of it. i really do wish you the best of luck, i hope you can come to terms with your situation in some way

Original poster
WonderingWhatIfAnything · 07/11/2007 21:32

Actually, how do I email anyone?!

OP posts:
NappiesShnappiesPANTSgalore · 07/11/2007 21:33

[email protected]

NappiesShnappiesPANTSgalore · 07/11/2007 21:34

lol. CAT - contact another talker. or CAM another mumsnetter it is now. click the thing at the top.

Original poster
WonderingWhatIfAnything · 07/11/2007 21:34

Thanks Olsmum. Appreciate the input.

Still no idea about the finer workings of mumsnet and CAT, and I've been posting here all year!

OP posts:
NappiesShnappiesPANTSgalore · 07/11/2007 21:34

in the blue line under MUMSNET at top of page.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 07/11/2007 21:35

And can I just say - suggesting that Wandering might get in trouble with the police is just scaremongering horseshit - to be blunt.

The police take EVERY accusation of rape seriously. They may not be able to take action on the information presented, but they'll be able to assist in many ways - even if it is to direct you to Rape Crisis etc.

To suggest that going to the police could be detrimental to the victim is to give rapists out there another weapon in their armoury.

They positively rely on women not going to the police. Lets us ladies not perpetuate this crap as well, eh?

Original poster
WonderingWhatIfAnything · 07/11/2007 21:35

Aha - thanks. I will, and you too, VeniVidiVickiQV.

I'm really sorry for everyone who's had a similar experience. It makes me so bloody angry that certain people think they can go around behaving like this and getting away with it - and obviously there's a few of them about.

OP posts:
VeniVidiVickiQV · 07/11/2007 21:37

Wondering - email me on cheesy_pooff at hotmail dot com

Desiderata - counselling can be a very effective tool in assisting recovery, regaining self-respect, confidence and overcoming fears. Please dont dismiss it out of hand just because it didnt work for you and it doesnt happen in the movies.

Desiderata · 07/11/2007 21:38

My final word, because I'm having a early night with a good book.

A man who fucks a woman when she's passed out is a necrophiliac, surely?

NappiesShnappiesPANTSgalore · 07/11/2007 21:38

olsmum said that in response to the idea of setting up a website about him. she thought she may be done for slander, and she is sadly, probably right.

but not for going to the police.

Desiderata · 07/11/2007 21:40

VVVQV, I am perfectly free to dismiss it out of hand if I so please. Sometimes, you're so PC, you're a nause.

Now, that book ...

VeniVidiVickiQV · 07/11/2007 21:40

unfortunately wondering, its a pretty common problem. I started a thread on MN many moons ago about rapes being under-reported which got such a huge response because it seems so many people have been through similar things.

I think it was commonly established that there seemed to be a culture amongst young men that it was acceptable to 'ply' young women with drink to make them 'easy', and that it wasnt deemed wrong by them. Just normal, laddish behaviour. MNers at the time vowed to ensure that they educated their boys to respect girls, that alcohol etc WASNT an acceptable form of foreplay, and that no means no means no (and not maybe).

whomovedmychocolate · 07/11/2007 21:40

I personally would report it - simply because you don't know that the police haven't had multiple complaints, or that later on in time, there will be another complaint for which you could be a witness.

I would also contact a rape crisis centre. Incidentally there is no chance of your family being told or involved here - this is a private matter between you and the police. Your past will not be raked over and while it's too late to collect evidence, it's not too late for you to talk about it and find your own way to deal with it long term. You must be so angry and horrified.

Of course if you want to hit him in the goolies, find his friends and forward that email to them with a note to the effect that the only way he gets laid is to drug women and that they should watch out for their girlfriends.

Elizabetth · 07/11/2007 21:40

The guy isn't just a wanker he's a rapist and the law was recently changed that if a woman is too drunk to consent there is no consent.

I think talking to Rape Crisis might help. Going to the law isn't necessarily empowering either as rape victims are still treated appallingly and disbelieved.

You could always start by e-mailing him back "Leave me alone you rapist" if he gets in touch again. He probably contacts you to reassure himself that he did nothing wrong when he knows that he did.

NappiesShnappiesPANTSgalore · 07/11/2007 21:41

ew des, what a skanky thought!

but yes, maybe thats what theyre practicing for? bleeeueuuurghh.