how often do you tell your kids you love them?

[nightowl]

idly wondering...for me its every day. did your parents say it often and does that affect how often you say it to your own? do you have any special little "sayings"?

My eldest DS is 8 and I always tell him I love him but not in front of his mates, this morning I went into his bedroom and he'd written on the condensation on the window I love my mum...aahh. But then last week I found a note saying I hate my Mum. I think it's important to be honest about all emotions, love and anger, I try to tell him when he annoys me and why as often as how much I love him or am proud of him. Hopefully its teaching him to be emotionally intelligent. Its not just being lovey dovey that matters they also need to be able to talk about what annoys them as well otherwise they'll end up like most of the DH's in this world and not able to talk rationally about issues.

TEENAGERS!! now that is a scary thought, two spotty moody teenage boys in the living room and their dad!

Sobernow, no, I don't think so. I think we are probably the first generation to act like this in general - at least in Britain.
As for giving equal time to telling my kids what I don't like about them, I would hate it if my husband spent lots of time telling me what annoys me about him and why! I'd probably leave him! It would not built trust, love or emotional intelligence IMO.

I agree with Welshmum about those horrible other pressures on girls, especially. So I tell my girls I love them and that they are lovely because I want them to be strong and confident...but also because they are so utterly adorable that I just can't resist.

ok saying equal time to telling your kids what annoys you is probably the wrong way of putting it. But if we bring our kids up to be all lovey and not able to discuss all feelings then where does that leave us? Maybe leaving your husband because he's being honest is a bit extreme. But if there is something that really bugs him then he should be able to tell you without you getting all hurt and defensive, maybe thats why so many relationships go pear shaped because everybody is constantly trying to be patient, kind and nice. who knows? nobodys right its whatever works for your kids and partner. All I know is that I'm 100% honest with my family about how I feel and my son tells me how he loves me and scribbles messages of love to me so I can't be going too wrong!

I know what being told my mother hated about me did to me, and I don't want my dd to ever feel the way I feel. I am insecure, have no self-confidence, no self-worth, hate everything about me and the way I am, and a lot of that is because of the way my mother made me feel about myself. My dd knows that I love her even if I don't like what she's doing as I can separate the two. If I, as a mother who loves my child, ever make my daughter feel the way my mother made (and still makes) me feel then I am not the parent my daughter deserves.

What else are children for if not to be loved and made feel valued?

I didn't say that I tell DS what I hate about him. I guess I'm trying to just say that love and honesty are hugely important and if within a household you pee one another off then you should be able to discuss it. But like I say every family is different, everyone of us whether we like it or not will get something wrong as a parent.

Every day, as many times as I can. Especially at night time though, even if we've had a bit of a bedtime strop! I tell dd1 that she is "my most favourite ... in the whole wide world", and that dd2 is my "gorgeous girl". But words are never enough to express how I really feel for them - I love them so much it makes me cry sometimes!!

My mum has only ever once told me she loves me, and that was when I was 20!

The trouble is that young children are very literal, and can't separate your feelings about them from your feelings about their behaviour. If it works for your family then I'm pleased for you. My dd knows that there are things she does which displease me and that I don't like, but I couldn't tell her if there were things about her personally that I didn't like. With dh the honesty policy is fine as it can be discussed in a loving and caring way, but certainly my daughter would be unlikely to see it as anything other than me not liking her.

TraceyP - yes your right. my DS is 8 and a half and I tell him what I dislike about his behaviour or that he suffers from verbal diahorrea (spelling mistake I'm sure) or that he needs to improve his personal hygeine etc; but in a nice way, I constantly talk to him about anything and everything, he has a mature outlook and therefore it works for us. He looks to me for honesty and I can't count how many times he gets kissed or told how much I love him.I think it's also the way that your told things, if I was shouting at him that he breath smells or his armpits stink after he's done his karate then I agree that would seriously damage him or if I put him down and never praised him or told him I loved him. As long as we are all aware as parents that what and how we say things to our kids can seriously affect them then we're going the right way.

just time for a quickie! I'm all for giving children unconditional love and find it surprising that people here don't see targeted praise as one way of showing it. Saying I love you is another, it's true. So is a cuddle IMO.

If, after a hellish day, bad behaviour, tellings off, I say to my son at bedtime, 'today was a mess but I'm really looking forward to being with you when we see Lord of the Rings tomorrow, because I fall about at the way you can mimic smeagal' that's showing unconditional love in my book - finding a good thing to say whatever the circumstances. And then I'd say 'I love you' etc. It's the first comment will make his eyes light up the most. It's something I have thought about. 'I love you' confirms what he already knows.

I have a friend who's self confidence and sense of self worth I truly admire. I once asked her what her secret was. She told me that no matter how bad things were during her childhood, no matter what arguments she had with her mother (who is a VERY difficult woman) she was told every day that she was loved. She used the same technique with her two children who, despite living on a different continent from their father, and in a lesbian household, have grown up to be the most secure, mature, charming and loving adults. How secure does a 16 year old boy have to be to spot a friend of his mother's while out on his bicycle with a gang of his mates, drop his bike and come over and give her a big hug and kiss in full view of them? I've seen that technique work over two generations. How could I not try it on my own child?

As for DH, I've known a few people who died suddenly. I can't bear the concept of one of us dying and leaving the other with the last memory of an argument. I make sure he gets a kiss and an 'I love you' before we part company every day, even if it's only down to the shops.

that's quite inspirational slug and everyone would be proud to have kids who were that secure in your love for them. We have tons of kisses and cuddles in bed in the morning (me and the kids - old man grumpy bum just hurrumps and turns over), then me and dd have long meaningful chats on the way to school - bit tiring that time in the morning, but she seems to have chosen it as her time, which is good.DS (3) has decided that I can't call him matey and must call him Beauty, which is fun. They all get i love yous at bedtime.

I very, very much doubt that being too loving, thoughtful and kind to each other is a reason why relationships break up! I think being critical of each other is a much bigger reason (in fact, from interviewing divorce lawyers and marriage guidance counsellors for many years, I know it is). Most experts say that learning to live with each other's imperfections is a strong predictor of marital happiness.
Of course there are things about my husband that arent' absolutely to my taste, but IMO relationships rarely benefit from personal criticism. At least, that might work for other people, but I wouldn't tolerate constant or even frequent criticism and I think it would make my kids shrivel up inside.
Love isn't something that can run out, so I don't see any need to ration it, or the expression of it. Or to 'balance it out' with criticism. I think you love your kids full stop, no conditions, no barriers. You might not love everything they do, for sure, but you do have to IMO love them for who they are, and not what they do. And I've certainly never said it and not meant it, because I've never not loved my son even for a minute, even when he has irritated me.

And it's clear everyone here loves their kids to bits, so I am surprised that there is still this vague feeling that it's damaging to express that feeling too much. It seems very British too me (as a totally British person!).

I tell my girls I love them when they wake up, when I drop them at school/nursery, when I pick them up, and they are my last words to them when I kiss them goodnight -and possibly at other times during the day too...
the sad thing for me is that I often get what i would interpret as funny looks from other parents at the "school gates" - and no, they are not teenagers just 7 and 3!!

I tell my two DS's that i love them many times each day.
When i was growing up, i KNEW my parents loved me a lot - still do. My Dad used to tell me and my Sister that he loved us quiet a lot, but my Mum never did, until..
One day i was about 13, and we were walking to the shop, we got talking about something that was in the newspaper that day, it was about a girl who was my age who had had a baby.
She told me that day "no matter what you EVER do in life, it doesn't matter how bad it is, i will always love you, ALWAYS."
She has never said it since that day, but it doesn't matter to me.
You know i remember everything about that moment - where we were, what the weather was like, it is one of the most vivid memories i have.
Funnily though, she tells my DS's ALL the time that she loves them...

I think this is a really interesting thread. I tell my DS I love him all the time because it's what I feel and I can't help it! My mom tells me occasionally and my dad rarely but I know that's because he, in particular, is not very comfortable expressing emotions. I blame his mother! But seriously I think that certainly for my family it is a generational thing and that we are just more comfortable saying this stuff not that we feel it any more or less.

I do have a question that I hope you won't think is too weird...my DS is 12 months so doesn't respond when I tell him but I was wondering whether those of you with older children had needed to explain to them what it meant before they responded or do they somehow instinctively know what you mean?

A 12month old won't react but no, IME you don't have to 'explain' it, they learn it in the same way they learn the meaning of other words, from context and tone of voice etc. Ie if you cuddle them and make them feel loved and say 'I love you' then they learn what it means.

I probably tell mine about 20 times a day!!!!!(at least!)

I tell my children I love every day and loads of times at that. I tell my husband I love him every day when he goes to work and before we go to bed. I can never remember my parents saying they love me. Perhaps they did when I was little. The first time may Dad told me he loved me was on my brothers wedding day when I was 26! I think its just something my parents were not used to, I never kiss my parents or cuddle them but love them dearly, I am completely the opposite with my children.

I tell my kids I love them at least once a day accompanied by a big hug, a slobbery kiss and a "awww muuuummm - get off!". My mum used to say "Mummy and Daddy love (my name)and (my sister's name)" every bed time. My dad now always tells me he loves me just before putting the phone down. We are not that close but I think he likes to tell me so I remember that he loves me in spite of everything!

Well, I have been well and truly caught out. The other day ds and I were snuggling on the sofa and I told him I loved him. "Don't say that!" was the response. He repeated this several times for good measure and then told me why: "It's not bedtime yet".
I think I'm guilty of saying it just before I leave him at night-time and not enough at other times ...

Every day without fail, if not through the day then always at bedtime. Strangely though, my parents, though the best in the world, never ever ever said it. Infact even now they would be completely horrified and embarassed if I gave them a hug and told them I loved them! (Very scottish - very reserved). It doesn't mean we love each other less though as we are a very close family. I married a South African, who is more demonstrative and I suppose it must have rubbed off, which I am rather pleased about.

I tell my kids all the time, and they tell me frequently too, usually completely unprompted. Often they will call out to me "Mummy, I love you" while we are out.

We play games too, like Ghosty, trying to 'oudo' each other with how much we love each other ("I love you to the moon and back" "Well, I love you to the moon and stars and all the planets" "Well, I love you to the end of the universe and back" "well, I love you..." you get the idea!) Today dd (3) came in to the kitchen while I was washing up and yelled that she loved me and we stood there for several minutes yelling that we loved each other at the tops of our voices!

Like others have said, I say it because I feel it, I am overwhelmed with love for them. Ds is having lots of tantrums at the moment, and I nearly always tell him after the tantrums how I don't appreciate the behaviour, but I will always love him no matter what.

I tell them when I put them to bed, and when I go in to give them a kiss when I go to bed, as well as many times each day.