how often do you tell your kids you love them?

[nightowl]

idly wondering...for me its every day. did your parents say it often and does that affect how often you say it to your own? do you have any special little "sayings"?

I tell them all the time. DD1 (age 4) once said to me "Mum, you don't need to tell me that all the time, I already know"

Our really really soppy thing is to say it alternating teh words. I say "I" she says "love"; I say "you. then she says "I" etc. is that daft enough for you?

so many posts! it is really interesting how many of us never heard it when we were young, shows how much things have changed. one thing ive always made sure of is that i never say an empty "i love you" to anyone. i agree that unless its shown..those words dont really mean a lot..even if they are true. i think im a lot more of a huggy cuddly mum than anyone in my family aswell.

MeanBean, the touching thing is so true. My dh comes from a real tough working class northern background and has really had to do a lot of adjusting to all the touching that happens in italy (where we go a lot)...the best is watching him overcome 40 years of conditioning when he gets KISSED hello by a man. He was telling me the other day how he was helping an african guy at school on the computer and the guy leaned over and put his hand on my dh's knee to get a closer look at the screen. My dh said it took every ounce of control to remember that it was a different culture and he didn't need to slug the guy for making a pass at him.

I tell my children everyday how much I love them and how clever and beautiful i think they are, because I REALLY DO. I'm sorry you think that way Tigermoth, but I have to disagree, I don't think the word is devalued in my family. I truly LOVE my family and don't see why I shouldn't tell them so. I certainly don't go around saying the same thing to strangers.

I don't say it enough to my ds (6 mths), but he is smothered in kisses and hugged to death every day - by the time he can understand what I'm saying, hopefully I'll have loosened up...

My brother and mum only started to say it when I moved to another country 9 years ago - maybe we just took each other for granted until then. And then my dad had a heart attack (he survived) and we all became very demonstrative, I can often wring an 'I love you' out of him at the end of a phone conversation, then he quickly says 'Here's your muther...'

I agree with sallystrawberry in that it is FREE ... !!!
I grew up in a lovey dovey, touchy feely, kissy family ... in fact my brothers still kiss my dad on the lips when they see eachother ... even in public ... and they are pushing 40! All of us end any conversation we have with 'I love you' ...
When I lived near my sister I would end every conversation with 'love you' even if I was seeing 20 minutes later ...
I tell my children I love them all the time ... I tell my husband I love him all the time (unless he is in the doghouse ... )
A friend of mine recently told me that she has never told her toddler she loves him because she a) says he is too young to understand the words and b) says that 'surely he knows I do instinctively' ...
Well clearly from those posters whose parents never told them they love them that isn't the case is it?
My DS and I have a game. We play it every day ... he says something like, "Mummy I love you as many ants there are in the whole world!" And I come back with something like "Well, I love you as high as the sky" and he comes back with "I love you as many leaves as there are on all the trees in all the world" ...
We love that game ... He told me the other day that I was in his heart ... aaaaaahhhhh ... bless ....

As a child I felt sorry for some of my friends who seemed to me to have a more unloving, 'harder' relationship with their parents. I'd listen to the way they talked to each other, parents putting thier children down, not really interested in their lives, too busy to listen to them properly, and feel so glad my parents weren't like that. Of course this was through the eyes of a child and may have been far from the truth. But I certainly had my opinions and did not feel deprived because my parents didn't actually say they loved me - though we had lots of loving sayings. Had I not felt my parents loved me, perhaps I would have set more value on saying these three words to my sons.

Don't get me wrong, I do feel it's important to say 'I love you' to my sons and I love to cuddle them. I say 'I love you' at least once a day and praise them in all sorts of way in between. I think meanbean has a good point about English people not being demonstrative enough,
and agree that the sort of parents who say 'I love you' are generally (big generalisation) going to be loving parents.

But I also think children can spot insincerity a mile off, even if they do not understand exactly what they are spotting. That's why I think it's even more important that children feel they are loved. And that extends to choosing your moment to say those words. No good saying I'm too busy to play with you right now, but you know I love you to bits. I think it's a bad idea to confuse children like this.

I think my children would rather have specific praise that shows I have noticed them eg 'you were so kind and thoughful to mend your brother's car and it was really clever of you to work out how to put the wheels back on the axel' rather than lots of 'I love yous'. I'm not saying anyone here does this btw! Interestingly, my oldest son, who has had about 20 different teachers so far, really likes the nice but strict ones, the ones who never let anything slip past them, the ones who are always interested.

I could be wrong but I feel my sons will remember the actions that show I love them far better than the endless repetitions of the words themselves. Even now they place more value on the actions, not the words. They never ever ask me to tell them 'I love you'. They will instead endlessly ask me to watch them do this, look at that, sit with them, see their drawings, read to them, stop what I am doing, concentrate on them.

I hope they grow up to know what love really is, to not be the sort of men who say 'I love you' without meaning it.

Interesting that in teacher training we are told to be very specific in our praise. So not just 'good work' but 'Good work, this shows that you have an excellent understanding of the topic', coupled with guidance on how to improve further, so, 'take extra care when you copy down new words, and read over your notes when you have finished them'.

I find that blanket, gushing, praise is very counter productive and that some kids expect to be praised for work that falls well below their ability. One quite NT y7 kid expected to be praised for spending 10 minutes pratting around cutting out a wavy line! He was sadly disapointed!

hmb, targeted praise definitely works for my sons. And I really appreciate it when my husband flings some thoughtful praise my way. After 20 years or so together, it shows he is still noticing me!

Targeted praise is obviously the right thing in a situation where praise is called for, but love is unconditional. I love my daughter even when I don't like her behaviour, and I feel it is important to tell her that I love her. How else will she know? Even when I don't like her bahaviour I feel it's important to distinguish between my feelings about her and my feelings about her behaviour.

I don't think I have ever been insincere or just said it for the sake of it, and I'm sure that most of us would never expect the words "I love you" to mean anything where a child obviously is not being treated with love. There have been a lot of posts that say that parental love should be taken as a given, but I don't believe you should have to guess whether your parents love you or not. Perhaps my parents loved me, but they never said it, they never showed it, so how can I believe that they felt it?

I feel it's sad that so many people think that saying "I love you" too often devalues the emotion. I tell my husband I love him often because it is true, so why wouldn't I tell my daughter? It's sad that people think these are "just words". I would hope that I show my daughter that I love her in as many ways as I tell her that I do, and I hope that she will always feel secure knowing that I love her.

Constantly! I tell ds I love him and am proud of him all the time. He seems very confident that he is loved and liked and that makes me feel proud and happy too!

And I'm not sure that people have always loved their children in the same way whatever they said. As some of these posts show. I know my dh bitterly regrets that his father never showed affection in word or deed, until he had a stroke lat in life which changed his personality and made him very sentimental, which was too strange and too late. My dh is a very, very different father to his children because of this, and because he never felt close to his father.
I don't think it remotely devalues love to express it often and extravagantly. And I agree with those who say it is more important to feel loved just because you are than to be praised grudgingly for what you do.

I think alot about the outside pressures that will be brought to bear on dd when she's older, whether she's too fat, not pretty enough, not clever enough etc I want her to have a really strong conviction of how loved, worthwhile and splendid she is from the outset. I hope it'll then be easier for her not to set too much store by what the outside world values and to realise she's loved for herself.
So when I feel a sudden surge of love for her I tell her....so that's pretty often

my parents weren't demonstrative and I don't remember being told that they loved me, but I knew that they did. My mum was the kind of mum who would do anything for anyone, cooked us lovely meals and looked after us really well, so I had a very happy childhood.

With my owm kids I cuddle them a lot - ds2 who is 3 loves to sit on me whenever possible and when he does I just can't help hugging and kissing him and telling him I love him. ds1 is also very snuggly - especially at bed time and we both say I love you a lot.

Sometimes I also manage to fit in a few cuddles and I love yous for dh

.......and I have to find time to give the cat lots of 1-to-1 attention as well - but he usually settles for lots of head-rubbing

TraceyP - I really agree with you. Telling someone you love them is not the same thing as praising them. I also agree that ott non-specific praise is not particularly constructive. But love is always there. You've reminded me that I make a particular point of telling dd that I ALWAYS love her - especially at the end of a day when I've had to tell her off. I tell her that even when I'm cross I love her and that very often it's because I love her that I am cross. I do this because it was the one thing I never understood as a child. To an adult it's kind of obvious but even though I had a fantastic mum whose love I never ever doubted for a second, I didn't make the connection between being told off and being loved. I also agree, that if it's sincere, and backed by actions, you can't devalue it by saying it. You devalue it by failing to back it up with actions.

sallystrawberry, nice post!

Totally agree with everything you said.

All the time, at least 6 times a day, and it's always the last thing I say to ds at bed-time.

He says it to me quite often now too.

All the time. I don't ever remeber my parents saying it to me as I grew up. Whenever I tell ds I love him he then tells me 'I love you THIS much mummy' and swings his arms open as wide as he can. When I tell dd she tells me she 'uves me'. It's all very sweet. I know alot of people feel embarrasde telling their kids that they love them but I'm not at all. I'd tell the whole world, I don't care who hears me tell them I love them.

Everyday, at breakfast, on the way to school, when they go into class, all the time. They say it back and sometimes they say it first. I don't think I remember my mum and dad saying it, but they say it to my boys.

sobernow, for me there is no cycle or ulterior motive.
My parents didn't (well they probably did but i can't remember), i do ALL THE TIME.
The only reason i do though is because i can't help saying it. I just adore her and have to tell her all the time! I've never looked any deeper and for me at least, it's purely natural, no thought goes with it, just love

interesting thought Sobernow. I hate the thought of my 2 sweet little darlings who love their mum and dad turning into moody teenagers who hate us.

I want to keep them as my babies (they're 5 and 3)

Far too much and not enough.

I tell her she is beautiful, I am proud of her, she is clever and as many things as I can to try and make her have more belief and self worth than I was brought up with!!

(She is cleverer and more beutiful than any of your kids though so I think I have every right to!! )